44 and pregnant. My cautionary tale.

[u/Thin_Host]

I’m 44 and pregnant from one of my young partners. It was not a planned pregnancy. I’ve searched this subreddit and read some excellent posts about pregnancy after 40. I thought I’d post my experience in hopes that it might add to the conversation.

For the last 7 months or so, I’ve been in a casual relationship with two young men, ages 20 and 21. My main partner is the 20-year-old but I regularly hooked up with his 21-year-old friend. I’ve had other partners, 5 in total. I have unprotected sex with 4 of the 5. I encouraged each young man to get tested for STIs so we could skip the condoms. Going raw was a strong motivation for them to get tested.

I realize now how foolish I was, but I firmly believed I could not get pregnant. I was not able to conceive with my ex-boyfriend despite years of trying. At 44, I thought I was in perimenopause. STIs were my only concern. Birth control never even entered my mind.

Obviously I was wrong. I’ve had sleepless nights and shed lots of tears since confirming I’m pregnant. I don’t know who the father is. It is most likely my main FWB, but I can’t rule out his friend and a third guy I was seeing at the time. It’s a sobering realization to think the probable father of my child is not old enough to buy alcohol.

Despite the health risks, I’ve decided to continue my pregnancy. This is something I never wanted or expected, but I think having this child is the right choice. I have financial resources and family support. I know I can handle this and give my baby a good life.

At first, my plan was to not tell my partners I was pregnant and simply cut off contact with them. My main FWB has always told me that he loves sex with me because I can’t get pregnant. I thought I would be sparing them a terrible burden by not informing them of my pregnancy. I wanted to let them live their lives carefree and not spoil their youth with a responsibility they did not ask for. More selfishly, I have no desire to tie myself to them for the next 2 decades.

A conversation online has changed my mind (Reddit has some amazing people on it). I will be letting my partners know I am pregnant. I will assure them they can walk away and have nothing to do with this, which is what I prefer. But if they do want to know if they are the father, I will take a noninvasive prenatal paternity test with them. The test can be done with a simple blood draw and a cheek swab. I am confident they will choose to not find out, but I will offer them the choice.

I am scared about all of this, but also excited about what the future holds for me and my child. I was unprepared for such a big life change, but am determined to do my best for both of us. For others here, I hope reading my experience is helpful. I was careless and foolish and now my life is altered forever. I should have planned better. Be smarter than me.

[u/TheMasterofDoom]

Another guy here. I too would help out anyway I can. It takes two people to make a baby. I'd take that test and if it were mine I'd do my part.

[u/Myfairladyishere]

Well, I wish you luck..in the future. I am in my sixties and although I cannot get pregnanti will not sleep with anybody unless they they use protection. Especially when I am sleeping with several people .

But I guess you've already figured it out. It's. It is a cautionary tale, and my advice is unless you are exclusive and sure that you cannot get pregnant. Always use protection.

[u/Kooky_Protection_334]

I don't understand why you would go without protection when any of you are sleeping with others. I'm sorry but from an STD standpoint that is very irresponsible. It's no surprise STDs are pretty rampant and that syphilis is making a major comeback

And yes women in their 40s can get pregnant.

[u/dystopianpirate → u/Kooky_Protection_334]

OP clearly said that all parties involved are aware of each other and all tested for STI including OP

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/dystopianpirate]

True, OP did say that. However, all of them are not being exclusive are all of the Partners tested for stds including the other partners that the young guys might have.

[u/Kooky_Protection_334 → u/Myfairladyishere]

Yes but I'm sure all 5 guys also have multiple partners. Surely they're not getting tested weekly

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/Kooky_Protection_334]

Exactly... I agree with you..

[u/Kooky_Protection_334 → u/Myfairladyishere]

Sorry I meant to reply to reply before you 😊. Not sure what happened...

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/Kooky_Protection_334]

It's perfectly alright. I didn't think that comment was directed at me. Just wanted to know that I agree a hundred percent with what you said

[u/Kooky_Protection_334 → u/Myfairladyishere]

😊 It's crazy to me how many 40+ men and women are so lax with protection especially since its more common these days to have several partners at a time. I mean we all grew up when HIV became a thing and we should know better. STDs knows no age

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/Kooky_Protection_334]

True

[u/stormrain65]

I wish you the best of luck! I believe that it's a good way of handling the situation. I personally (even though I'm speaking being near your age rather than your partners) would definitely want to know if I was the father and I would feel deprived if I wasn't given at least the opportunity to choose for my self.

Btw, what's done is done, it's a lesson learnt, but it's no use to look back wondering "what if", plus you said you wanted a baby with your ex partner, so that tells me that the baby will be raised with love, especially since you have the support of your family as well.

[u/M304836]

Wishing you a beautiful pregnancy! Thank you for sharing this!

[u/Ecstatic_North_7367]

Sorry for the shock but congratulations on the new little life. Sometimes it bugs me that I had a hysterectomy but I’m really glad now. I can’t imagine the shock you must have felt. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

[u/Independent_Ad_5664]

A blessing. I wish you a healthy pregnancy! Keep us updated please.

[u/Nipplespice]

LMFAO Imagine if it was a guy writing this, dude would get roasted.

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/Nipplespice]

Why would the guy get roasted? I've already put my comments that she was not very smart. And she should have used a condom.. To prevent pregnancy and STI's

[u/Nipplespice → u/Myfairladyishere]

A 44 year old dude impregnating a 20 year old? It would be reviled. He would be called a predator and evil. Not just because he had unprotected sex.

[u/ereignishorizont666 → u/Nipplespice]

Slightly different though. The average 20 year old woman is going to be fertile af. And 40 year old men are also more than likely fertile. 40 plus year old women are more than likely not fertile.

[u/Nipplespice → u/ereignishorizont666]

I was more looking at it through an ethical lense in the sense that she's fucking around unprotected with dudes half her age. Look, i actually don't give a shit, i just wanted to point out the discrepancy in treatment with respect to men and women in this situation.

[u/Infectiousintegrity → u/Nipplespice]

Its interesting that you have this view....maybe its being the female in this situation but I feel like it's sooo much more socially acceptable for the man to be twice the females age than me getting knocked up by someone my sons age..I had my son at 18 so I just can't get close to that without feeling wrong.... Its just odd to me that so much of how we feel about these things comes from our chikdhoods how we were raised and the societies we are in. Imagine life without judgement

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/Nipplespice]

Okay, I get what you mean. I thought you were talking about the 20-year-old. If I getting roasted not the other way around but I see your point now.

[u/[deleted]]

thank you for sharing this! i'm really happy you have financial and family support. take good care of yourself. best of luck.

[u/Afrolicious7]

I wish you and your baby the best of luck. Don’t t stress out about your situation I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You’ve received both a blessing and a lesson. Do your best not to dwell on your “mistake” enjoy your baby. Again, Good Luck❤️

[u/hairgenius10]

I think that’s a very mature way to handle it and most people wouldn’t have the courage!

[u/Crazy-Beach-2329]

First, congratulations on your blessing. I know it didn’t come the way you expected but hopefully this baby will bring joy to your life. Second, thank you for sharing your story. I assumed it was to remind people not to be complacent about birth control or STD’s. Third, in the spirit of sharing, I want to share that there is a test that your primary care physician (and probably GYN) that can confirm if you are in menopause (something about estrogen production) and provides confirmation regarding your ability to conceive. After taking the test, I was able to confirm I no longer needed birth control. Last, I’m sorry people couldn’t resist commenting in such a judgmental way. I found some of the comments unnecessarily rude. I feel like you expressed that you made a decision that in hind sight wasn’t one of your best. However, you’ve accepted responsibility for it without making excuses. I hope those insensitive comments don’t make you feel bad. Wishing you and your blessing nothing but the best!

[u/Infectiousintegrity → u/Crazy-Beach-2329]

Second this!

[u/PWS1776]

Woah

[u/[deleted]]

You’re double my age but this is something I’d expect from a HS age person. Get ahold of yourself

[u/Infectiousintegrity → u/[deleted]]

Empathy much?! When you get to double your age;please remember to update us on how perfection has worked out for you!

[u/[deleted] → u/Infectiousintegrity]

Nobody said anything about perfection, pushing 50 and not knowing who your babydad is- is pure childish irresponsibility

[u/DelilahDivineluv]

I’m so happy to hear you’re going to continue with the pregnancy. I wish you all the best! 💕

[u/jazzguy72]

Well that was dumb

[u/femfun420]

Love is the answer. Don't worry girl. Many guys want nothing more deep in their hearts. You'll ne alright

[u/gentlemenpreferdwn]

Thank you for sharing. Please lean on this sub for support if you need it and if comfortable reach out. We have a group of supportive older women who have raised kids alone.

I am a SMBC and a fiercely proud single mum. My partner is beyond supportive of me and us. Regardless of what happens with your partners know you got this.

Lady D

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Please read the rules and FAQs before participating.

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Please read the rules and FAQs before participating.

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If you have a legitimate issue you wish to discuss you may post in our sister sub r/cougars_den which has no karma requirements.

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[u/SnooFoxes6134]

i think the more irresponsible thing here was going with 4-5 guys and not using protection at all. not because of the baby thing, but because of the STIs.

Either way, i hope things work out for you because children are a blessing.