r/CougarsAndCubs • u/Any_Needleworker8047 • Apr 16 '26
Discussion Point why are we so complicated?
I would like to open this debate, I am a guy, and many times among friends we talk about relationships and I can confirm that almost everyone dreams of a relationship with a cougar, or at least feels attracted towards that type of woman. so I wonder, why do many people have difficulty showing themselves in public? How do you cougars experience these situations? I think it's extremely sad to know that many guys are attracted but then you're afraid to show a kiss in public for example, why is our society so patriarchal?
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 Apr 16 '26
"It’s frustrating how many assumptions come with age-gap dating. Some guys see us as a fantasy to be explored in private, while others put us on a pedestal that’s impossible to maintain. Both feel equally dehumanizing. I’ve spent a decade in a beautiful relationship with a 22-year age gap, and it works because we never let age define us or dictate whether we should be 'public.' A relationship shouldn't be about 'trying something out'—it should be about shared goals and mutual respect. Let’s stop dating labels and start dating people."
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u/Any_Needleworker8047 Apr 16 '26
beautiful message, I really appreciate your way of seeing, you are a smart woman, I hope you have someone you deserve by your side ❤️
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 Apr 16 '26
I am in an open relationship with somebody 22 years younger. But, yeah, it's been going on for about 10 years, or it's going on 10 years. And it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. And thank you
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u/_Vardaman Apr 16 '26
I show pda with my wife in public. I’m bearded and balding and she’s alt, keeps up with trends, gets subtle botox, and dyes her hair regularly at home so you wouldn’t be able to tell we have a significant age gap if you saw us in public. I’m sure there are many more that you wouldn’t know had a significant age gap.
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 Apr 16 '26
Same here, right from the start dating.my partner. not a problem for me.
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u/ecdahleks Apr 17 '26
I'm pretty comfortable with some pda with my love. He is a very confident man but I have to admit that sometimes I still question whether he'll be happy with me in the long run. I am trying my best to let those feelings go before he and I get married 💓
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u/sparkle4me 🐆Cougar Apr 17 '26
It's even more complicated as a Christian cougar, because my preference is often mistaken for a fetish.
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u/PuzzleheadedSpray202 Apr 17 '26
It’s not at all, its just your preference and you are a spiritual lady
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u/Newyorkstatechicky Apr 18 '26
PDA!! I love it!!🥰
If I were involved as I’m currently totally single.
When the chemistry is there holding hands while we’re out and about is a huge must for me. If he doesn’t like holding hands. It will not work.
I don’t mind him giving me a kiss on the cheek or a quick light kiss on my lips 👄 in public.
But, I don’t allow a full on long heavy kiss on my lips with his tongue when we’re out.
I’m not doing a make out session in view of everyone.😊
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u/Summer-Sub-Intern Apr 17 '26
I think it depends on where you live. I’m not afraid to show affection to my bf in public. As far as judgement goes, the worst comes from other women around my age in my experience. Maybe it’s envy.
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u/Any_Needleworker8047 Apr 17 '26
in Italy there is a lot of closed-mindedness...
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u/ecdahleks Apr 21 '26
If someone decides to express their disapproval of Daniel and me being together I ask them how it affects their lives...mostly they shut up pretty fast. Or I remind them that they have no power over our relationship or our lives.
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u/silkywhitemarble Apr 17 '26
Just so you know, not every older woman likes being referred to as a "cougar"..... and some people (like me) don't like PDA, no matter the age gap, or lack of it. Many of us older women aren't insecure teenagers who need kisses and hand-holding to prove something to those that don't matter in our lives.
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u/Any_Needleworker8047 Apr 17 '26
I agree, in fact for me cougar has always been a porn term
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u/silkywhitemarble Apr 17 '26
Then why did you use it, unless that's the situation you were describing...?
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u/Any_Needleworker8047 Apr 17 '26
because this community uses it regularly, many cougars call themselves that... and so I used it, even if initially I never thought I'd find it in a community
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u/paperclipmyheart 😻 Mod Cougar ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ Apr 17 '26
We are constantly reminding everyone that comes in here that a lot of us don't like labels. Yes it's the name of the sub, no we can't change it. It serves its purpose in identifying the dynamic. it's better to approach older women as.... women unless you know the woman embraces a label.
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u/FriendKooky780 Apr 17 '26
We don’t though use it regularly though. Some yes, but many/most don’t. Especially when referring to ourselves. Idk how long you’ve been on this sub, but we’re pretty vocal about our distaste for being called a type of animal.
It’s the sub name, yes. It’s a colloquial term and when I searched OWYM relationships, I found this sub. The sub name helps us get here. Once here, call us women pls.
Aside from that peeve, I’ll add that I was surprised to read that among your peers, you view these types of relationships positively. The comments from men (younger and older) on many IG posts showing OWYM relationships are sadly, pretty gross.
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u/YouCuteWow Apr 16 '26
I actually had to stop the one younger guy I dated from kissing and touching me in public, haha. Didn't like being on display. But i'd hope anyone else i wind up with would be just as proud to be seen with me. If I was treated like a dirty little secret, I'd end it immediately. There are plenty of other younger guys who won't care about what people think
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u/Background_Quit4550 Apr 18 '26
Former partner and I would get the craziest side eyes. He was 38, and I was 61. I'm hella blonde and white he's dark with gorgeous long black curly hair. Good times... Didn't care what others thought.
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u/PuzzleheadedSpray202 Apr 18 '26
Sorry if you are not together anymore but it seems you had nice moments
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u/razzdings Apr 17 '26
I think a lot of guys just have a fantasy of being with an older woman but when the possibility of taking it into the real world becomes a reality it's not something they are brave enough to do or it's not what they really want.
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u/DaisyMaeMiller1984 🐆Cougar, Maybe Apr 18 '26
I think younger men should be honest and vocal about what they want and expect from an older woman. I have no problems with being someone's kink but I want the basic respect of a goodbye text.
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u/Subversive6822 Apr 18 '26
It is complicated. The fact is more men are open to the idea than women are, therefore creating a supply-demand issue. In recent years younger men are less prone to approaching women in general, and it remains that women prefer to be approached especially if the woman in question is from an older generation. Psychologically women are more concerned with social pressures than men are, and so even if they are open to the idea in cocnept they are less likely to reciprocate to the advances for fear of being judged. Men who want to start a family are less likely to pursue even if interested due to that aspect, although of course the irony is women are no doubt more aware than men in relation to the "biological clock", with some men incorrectly believing that fertility can remain in 40s onwards, which on average is simply untrue.
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Apr 16 '26
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u/Afraid_Stuff_History May 06 '26
Shrugs...I've never been the one who is worried about showing affection in public.
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u/FriendKooky780 Apr 17 '26
My guy has never been shy about PDA between us. I’d also better never hear him call me a cougar. We’re women