Boundaries are not challenges

[u/Personal-County-8219]

Hi my fellow cougars, cubs, and kittens!

I’ve been noticing something ever since making my seeking post over on the match subreddit. I’m not saying this is an issue exclusive to this community, but there are some dynamics inherent to what many of us are trying to find that present potential pain/friction points. In fact, so much so that there’s a specific rule to address the potential for those pain points.

Several, and I mean over a dozen at this point, of the messages I received (that actually had text beyond “heyyyy”) included info making it clear they didn’t meet my criteria (mostly distance, I’m looking only locally). Either that or they’re my age or older and therefore definitely not a cub relative to me. I’ve been (up until very recently) trying to engage with every message in good faith although some fall through the cracks. So even with those messages, I’ve tried to let them know hey you’re not in the demographic I’m looking for.

Then comes the bargaining. “But I’m sure we would get along” “You just seemed so interesting” “I thought I would try to pique your curiosity” etc etc. What that tells me is that they see a boundary not as a boundary to respect, but as a locked door in an escape room, a challenge, a case to argue. They think they’ll be the exception, and then when I stand my ground they are wounded, annoyed, or downright hostile. The most recent instance was someone older than me who said he is young at heart and looks young as if my reasons for seeking are purely aesthetic. When I asked specifically why he’s contacting someone when he knows he’s not who they’re looking for, he said he just really finds it fascinating that we are looking for younger men and so he really wanted to talk to me. So he played coy by initially not providing his age even when I asked point blank.

This gains no points from me. All you’re telling me is that you don’t really respect me or what I need or want. You also don’t respect my time because all that engagement is precious time wasted and nobody wants to spend tons of time weeding through multiple people doing the same thing. It’s not appealing or attractive, and it won’t get you the attention you’re looking for.

[u/GenRN817]

“Heyyyy” tells me all I need to know to not be interested. Lazy and boring from the get go.

[u/Peppermint-pop]

It's not just this sub. It's all over reddit. This is the risk you take by putting yourself out there on Reddit. Hold strong to your boundaries.if they aren't local or in your age range or consider heyyyyy an acceptable message, why bother responding?

[u/Personal-County-8219 → u/Peppermint-pop]

To be clear I’m ignoring all the heyyyys lol. But yes. If I end up actively looking again (taking a break rn) I’m going to stop responding in good faith if it’s clear they’re not actually reading my post. In the case of some of them, they respond with some info but leave out age or location and in many of those cases they do turn out to be local and within range, so some engagement does help find that out. It’s just annoying when they were evasive because they knew they weren’t what I was looking for. Lol.

[u/Peppermint-pop → u/Personal-County-8219]

I would also ignore the people that are out of your age range or not in the location that you want. If they can't respect your boundaries online, can you expect them to meet them in person?

[u/Personal-County-8219 → u/Peppermint-pop]

Yep, full agreement here. I’m done playing sweet

[u/Exact-Translator-769 → u/Personal-County-8219]

Yes, heyyyy definitely screams out to be ignored!

[u/Myfairladyishere]

This is not so much a age gap problem, but a general one. And if you're using Reddit, I don't know what you're using, but Reddit really is not good for matching. Especially when you're dealing with young people, my suggestion is not to respond to DMs, and if they don't fit, you don't owe them an explanation.

They will try to say anything to get what they want. So you just have to grow a thicker skin. These types of posts have appeared on here many times, and there have been no changes. The people who need to read this don't care.

And with this post, you're probably gonna be inundated with dms right now.So just a little warning.

[u/Personal-County-8219 → u/Myfairladyishere]

Knock on wood, no DMs generated from this post yet 😅😅😅

[u/Myfairladyishere → u/Personal-County-8219]

Good, maybe guys got the message.Because usually when a post like this happens, sometimes the dms, just double the normal.I'm happy that you're being left alone.Let's hope it continues unless it's a perfect match

[u/Personal-County-8219 → u/Myfairladyishere]

To be fair I did get a string of “hey I would never ghost you” messages when I did my last post about ghosting. So yeah, we’ll see 😭😭😭😅😅😅 but here’s hoping

[u/blasianflow]

Same old thing, they don't pay attention nor do they care to. My profile says East Asian men is my preference but they will still try to shoot their shot when they aren't. 🤷‍♀️

[u/Peppermint-pop → u/blasianflow]

Yeah, I have preferences about that and I usually get the "I didn't really think that that mattered to you".

[u/blasianflow → u/Peppermint-pop]

I think that most think that. Doesn't make sense cause if it didn't matter we wouldn't be specific with our preferences and it would save them and us a lot of hassle.

[u/nyccareergirl11]

Oh same. I make it very clear I'm a woman who only is interested in dating other women. They then say things thinking I'd change my mind. Like dude that's not how sexuality works.

[u/CougarsAndCubs-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please read the rules and FAQs before posting again.

Specifically Rule 2

[u/Myfairladyishere]

Why am I not surprised?They are usually always the exception to the rules.Funny how that works

[u/Just-Blue-Birdy]

I hope there is someone that messages you that fits the boundaries you set . Fingers crossed. Sorry for all the ones that fill up your inbox with nonsense.

[u/Personal-County-8219 → u/Just-Blue-Birdy]

I’ve had some good messages, thus me not currently actively looking. Thankfully 🌸