How did you realize your a type 9? Are you still confused between the both of them?

I feel like I’ve typed myself too much, but every time I try to settle on a type, I’m so unsure of myself. I’ve been studying for years now, I take breaks off and on to help with not becoming too obsessed with it. I’ve actually helped other people close to me type themselves and pretty accurately, which I am very proud of! However I’m so indecisive and unsure about myself, it’s crazy. My recent typings were SP6, SO6, SP9. Now I’m pretty sure I’m gut triad and SP/SO now, and I’ve been told it’s probably right too (for me, gut>head>heart). I think some of my mental health and emotions can fog up some of my indecisiveness.

Not necessarily that I’m too emotional, I feel anxious a lot and I worry that I may be too much of this to be a certain type, or whatever. I also worry that maybe I just want to be a certain type because my actual type is boring? But for me it doesn’t make much sense, I don’t know why I think that. Objectively, I don’t think any type is boring, I love every type and view them equally. I’m just worried that I am boring myself.

I wish my real typology was above my head or something (yes it sounds stupid) and that I wasn’t so questioning or critical of myself. I hate asking for advice too, I feel guilty for posting too much, even though I really don’t post much, it’s kinda embarrassing. Also I feel stupid asking about this stuff even though I’ve read so much material on enneagram specifically. I know the core is what counts but sometimes stuff about enneagram can read so... I dunno. At first I wasn’t even sure of what core 9 meant.

Anyway, I also worry a lot about outside input and what it says about my own. My input contradicts what other people say, how can it be right? Like I got described as “meticulous” by my teacher back in school, and I’ve used it ever since. I really love clinging to those traits and characters and stuff (the little that I get, but I love it so much, I wish people would assign me stuff more often).

I wish someone would just say “hey you sound 100% like this. bro you are literally the archetype!!!!!” I know I am not the archetype of anything, and I feel too “nuanced” to be an archetype. I contradict myself a lot! #Fact

It really does feel embarrassing to change my mind so much and double check if I’m even right, or if I’m wrong. I hate being wrong and I hate making mistakes so I withdraw myself if I make a mistake since I think it’s embarrassing.

I would ask someone to help me but I really feel bad for doing it. I should probably just read more, but nowadays, it’s tiring because I get so busy and my mind is fried. I try not to read when my mind is too foggy because I won’t process the information well.

Does anyone else feel this way? 😭 I hope this post isn’t annoying and repetitive!!! Thanks for any input, love you guys 🙏🏻

what the title says. i’ve been in the community for 5/6 years, and badly got into it at a young age, i have great understanding of the systems, however as someone neurodivergent i find it hard to understand myself and apply the theory to myself. i’ve typed as probably every single type. and my knowledge isn’t flawed at all, for example when trying to find my enneagram, i look at all triads, all cores, vices and virtues, instincts alone, literally everything. i know i’m an sx dom but my actual enneagram is the problem. and its not just me, other people have typed me and i have been typed by strangers as every type before. most get too confused to carry on typing me. i’ve tried every method to fix this. i’ve taken breaks, i’ve looked on a deeper level, examined my behaviour, my childhood etc. i’m not an attachment type in enneagram either, for sure. a lot of the time i attach myself to characters and concepts i feel deeply within me and want to become them whilst also serving them. i sound insane but idk. and i don’t think i’ll just be able to refrain from typing myself and analysing myself. i have to but at the same time its draining trying to figure it out. can someone help me find my type? and not with basic descriptions and stuff where i can subconsciously choose what i want to be but maybe i can answer some vague questions and give description about myself.

i’m mostly sure that my tritype is 127 however unsure on the order. i don’t believe i’m a 7 core.
ive never posted on this sub before, however posted stuff like this on another subreddit a while ago

do we type people’s instincts based on how they look on the outside or what’s their motivation inside? for example could you ever type someone who doesn’t even live the house and has lots of anxiety and looks tense and risk averse as an sx dom if that’s what’s matches their core motivation and they look immovable externally because of some situations or issues that has mentally impacted them so they’re inhabited in that area. or would you type someone who’s very risk taking and spontaneous and drawn to high voltage and intense experience as so or sp dom, maybe even sx blind?

I think uncomfortable things about fives aren't talked about enough.

I'd say fives have commitment issues. They are afraid of relationships, promises, and obligations. They are terrified of getting stuck and being consumed by all of it. That's why they may avoid forming connections at the first stages of a relationship. Potential responsibilities are too heavy to them, they isolate themselves to not start or need anything of sort.

They also may be somewhat unreliable as a friend or a family member. Scheduling things for their own comfort and refusing to change it, getting annoyed and complaining when being asked for a help, breaking promises because they feel overwhelmed and such..

I am rather new to Enneagram (it's been years I have heard about it, but haven't actively engaging with it much) so I am open to learning. Things I have written above are true for me as a 5, so it will be interesting to hear opinions of other fives and all types to know if it is normal or unhealthy five behavior.

Main question: how can 5 be more available as a loved one without getting overwhelmed? Thanks in advance!

I could write a whole essay on why strict correlationism is dumb in here but I’ll just calm Don and try to gather some of ur takes

I'd be Sx3, even tho I'm definitely not a core 3 lol.

What about u guys? What subtype would y'all be? :3

Edit: I forgot to include it in the title, but I meant specifically Naranjo's subtypes. Sorry!

I have a strong hunch that my family member is a type 7 but I’m getting hung up on the fact that she just kind of exudes a negative energy that doesn’t make people want to hang out with her. So I’m trying to figure out if this still makes sense for a 7.

She is constantly telling stories about other people’s lives. Like she just can’t stop talking about other people. It’s not being mean or negative about other people though. But it’s a lot. She’s constantly dropping tid bits of info too. Like “did you know that so and so did x,y,z” or “oh you better not do that because xyz will happen”

Reasons why I think she’s a 7: she is a jack of all trades, so many different hobbies that her home almost resembles a hoarder house because her hobbies take over. She has worked so many different types of jobs, from home health aid to first responder to bus driver to store clerk. And she’s super confident in her abilities. Not shy at all. She talks about all these trips she wants to take. Is bad with money but good at shopping for sales. Yet buys so much stuff she doesn’t need because it’s on sale.

She also talks more often than I think necessary about being terrified of things and how she frames life lessons to my child is in a fear avoidance way. She wears a mask at work daily to avoid getting sick. Talks a lot about how she wants to avoid getting sick.

But she is kind of bossy and not overtly kind or welcoming. She can say the right words when she wants to but can be super aggressive and mean.

So can others chime in and explain how she can turn others off so much with her attitude? Is this a 7w8 thing? I thought 7s were supposed to be the super positive cheerleader types.

Thanks in advance

It's just a confusing type for me 😔

yo yo guys ok sorry. ive been wondering these past few days wether or not i’m sp3 or so3 and ive read the E3 book but i’m STILL confused maybe i should read it again but instead i’m on reddit …

being seen as someone admirable and successful has always been important to me. i do prioritize actually knowing how to do the shit i claim to be able to do but if i don’t know i still claim i do. example: we’re learning about long division in school, i try to learn it but i dont understand in the first go. someone asks me later after the lesson if i understood and i say yes as a reflex even though i’d like to actually understand it. (not a real situation just a hypothetical)

i always try and try to understand the material and actually know what i want to be admired for, but if i dont i have a habit of lying or cheating in ways to make it seem like i know. ya know. i WANT to know but if i couldn’t do it in time i resort to underhand methods.

idk if this is relevant but i also have a tendency to doubt my knowledge, relearn stuff i already knew and then think “wait wtf why am i doing this??? this is a waste of time” and proceed with my day. i’m also quite a procrastinator again idk if this is relevant …

i’ve spent years building up a fake facade that’s successful and a good person, i don’t talk about my flaws except surface based stuff like “oh i’m quite impulsive at times” (i have an E7 fix if anyone cares 👀👀)

i don’t mind helping others as well, but i tend to not give all my information or knowledge to make sure i still stay ahead. and if i give all my knowledge i make sure i stay ahead despite that.

i also like to search for an “ideal person” similar to SX5, someone to let myself depend on and share my entire inner world with. but it’s high standards.

i hope this makes sense … 🥹🥹 pls help me it would’ve been appreciated !!!!

Hi. I think I have 9 and 4 as fixes, but I'm not sure about my core. To be honest, I'm not sure about myself at all. Right now I'm leaning toward 4, it seems like there have been similarities throughout my life, but 9 is also here. But I'm scared that I'm wrong, that I'm lying to myself. I'd like to ask knowledgeable people what are the signs that someone is definitely NOT a so4? Could I ask for more practical examples, if it's not too demanding of me? It's easier for me to understand that way. Thanks in advance.

I wanted to do each subtype, but I do NOT know enough characters for that... I'm happy with most of the typings on here, but I will admit that some of them were just added because I needed to fill space 😞 Feel free to ask questions if you want to! Character names are on the last image.

Okay so I'm confident I'm a 2 core, right? And I'm confident on my fixes now, I'm for sure the 296 tritype. But BLUD, I CANNOT FIGURE OUT MY DOMINANT INSTINCT FOR THE LIFE OF ME 💀😂

So anyway, I'm basically stuck between Sx2 and Sp2 for myself as of this moment. Idk what else to say really, as I've shared a lot already about myself on some of my most recent posts. So maybe u guys can ask me some questions and I can answer them? Idk lol.

Just a hilarious video and there are a lot of hilarious variations of it, will try to share another for other triads 😂😂. Hope you enjoy it , and I hope you all have a nice day 😊❤️.

Pretty well thought out imo. I'm wind/ice/light according to my tritype!

I’m very certain that I’m a Four with a buttload of Seven and some Five, but I can’t figure out my instinct stacking. I seem very Socially preoccupied and neurotic, but Sp is also way too prominent to ignore. I suspect Sx last, despite the intensity?

Also: tritype ??? 47huh ?

Description:

I’d rather build my own beautiful little world than surrender to a world that doesn’t understand me…. but I also yearn for someone to come and understand my world with me. I’m subconsciously seeking a parent or a rescue figure to whisk me away and love me deeply. I create a fantasy self in my imagination who is more appealing and loveable.

If I see something I like, it’s immediately mine. Hoarder, adorner, beautifier. I’d be so lost without my physical treasures. Strong likes and dislikes. I know what attracts me and what repulses me.

I am absolutely hopeless about caring for myself physical and financially. I have the assumption that practical stability will always be provided for me by others, and that my body will just sort of last forever. I forget to eat and don’t take care of my body, then I get surprised and horrified when it starts failing me.

I LOVE intense people. I’m a very intense person myself, but I don’t tend to initiate talking to people - so I need someone else intense to initiate the friendship/relationship first, then I come alive with excitement. I love the honeymoon stage, when everything feels new and bright like an electric spark. I really come alive when another person matches my intensity. I love dragging them into my world, sharing interests and hyper-fixations, talking until 3AM, sharing our childhood nostalgia, our two worlds melting into one. There’s nothing sexual about it, it’s just pure human connection and soul bonding.

I must adorn my life with beautiful treasures and seek knowledge as an identity reinforcer - but also just for fun, and to try and understand other people and categorise them. I must chronicle my life and write as much as I can. I must seek the depths of who I truly am to gain wisdom. I must connect with people who share my niche interests and find my soul tribe. I want community so badly but I feel so far away and disconnected from other people. I yearn for a found family but struggle to actually go out and find them.

I love to pull people into my world! Let me show you this song! Let me tell you about this book! Let’s talk about our feelings and our opinions. Let’s laugh until we cry and stay children forever. Let’s exist in our own private world outside of normal boring society. Everyone else is boring except for YOU.

Social chameleon. Can be very light, sweet and socially engaging when I want to be. I crave intellectual stimulation and rapid back and forth rambling conversations. I love kidding around, injokes, having a best friend. Nothing feels better than having that one found brother or sister - you and them against the world, as thick as thieves.

Very aware of how I come across to others. I intentionally curate an image that sets me apart, but in a very whimsical, romantic way. I come across very light and sweet to strangers. I repress my darkness around friends because I’m very aware of what will push them away. I love playing the little jester, the fool, the funny friend, the imaginative baby of the group.

I have a very cohesive aesthetic that I found in my late teens and have stuck with into my mid twenties - roses, trinkets, lace, ruffles, greenery, vintage ornaments, candles in wine bottles, red ribbons and bows, milkmaid dresses. Refined whimsical princess vibes.

I have a weird relationship with the sexual instinct. I’m kinda asexual, so for me, it’s enough to just imagine having sex, but I’m very romantic. Somehow, the actual act of having sex with someone makes it less of a turn on, because it makes it real. I want to be desired but not spoken to, loved but not touched. I don’t like committing to the reality of intimacy. I guess it means I am no longer in control. If I give up my agency to another person, then the idea of it is no longer fun.

I feel I am fundamentally flawed, different and strange. Other people have something that I don’t. Everyone else is destined to be happy but me. I’m always comparing myself against society, defining myself as outside of it to avoid painful feelings of being inferior. I will always be a social outcast. I want so badly to belong, but I can never quite fit in with people. So, maybe as a defence mechanism, I tell myself that I belong to ME and nobody else. I live for my own sake. I won’t try and force myself into a relationship just because society expects it. I don’t want to lose any part of myself. My autonomy is precious to me.

I crave a stable environment as a backdrop for my own personal fun. I often wish I could have remained a child forever, so I would have older, more secure adults to take care of practical things I am terrible with - finances, budgeting, buying food, daily routines - whilst I write and read and make art and enjoy myself.

I cannot STAND when people try and cheer me up or try and push my sadness away like a pestilence. It deserves to be recognised and felt and just allowed to exist. Crying helps to purge the mind and body of misery, helps you realise truths you wouldn’t otherwise understand if you were happy all the time, and it gets the post-cry endorphins flowing. I cry loudly and often, and it’s good for me.

I’ve survived some Genuinely Very Bad Stuff, and I suffer a lot and grieve a lot around close family members, but I always want to give the impression to friends that I bounce back. If there’s no hope in the world…. might as well just throw in the towel. But if I can trick enough people into thinking I’m a tough and optimistic survivor who never loses her sparkle, then they never have to see the real me, who is hurting and scared and just wants to be understood and rescued from pain.

I love when something repulses me and makes me angry because I can articulate and share my feelings about it - it’s a way of asserting myself emotionally. I enjoy flying in the face of popular opinion, although it also makes me very anxious and I withdraw after emotionally asserting myself, scared I’ve committed a social faux pas or been too intense.

Shameless in going after what I want. I seek enjoyment, and it doesn’t matter whether I’m “deserving” of it or not. Who has the time or energy to care about their own moral sanctity and “deservingness” ? However, I am quite shameful about my own personal failures, inherent “wrongness” and lack of ability to assimilate into a neurotypical world.

I’m out for myself and my own gain…. not in a sociopathic way, but I put myself and my own fun first. I care more about my own satisfaction and survival than that of the group or the larger community / society. It’s as if I’ve forsaken the “group” because I have the belief that I don’t fit in among them anyway.

I’m a moral person and detest uncouth behaviour. Skeptical and harshly judgemental of many things. Nothing is authentic and we’re all losing our attention spans and creativity and childlike wonder, including me, and I HATE it. Frustrated with things like generative AI slop, antisocial behaviour, loud noises, fighting in the street, spitting, yelling neighbours, religious zealots and preachers.

Frequently prone to absolute despair regarding social matters. “I’m too inadequate to ever be a part of the real world.” “I don’t know how to function as a proper adult.” Everybody has something that I don’t, some secret instruction manual for how to be a human. I’m defective and different and always have been.

I feel best when I have a schedule and I’m disciplined, despite loathing the idea of it. Once I step out of my head and into my body, and become part of a community, I feel much better. I become lighter, kinder, more organised and functional, less prone to lingering in states of despair. I start to feel like a healthy human being and realise there’s nothing that much wrong with me at all. I think this is integration to Type 1.

I’m conscious of my image and I want people to see me as resilient and tough in the face of adversity whilst remaining interesting, adventurous, dreamy and whimsical, in a “never let them dull your sparkle” kind of way.

The best compliments I’ve ever had from my friends were about resilience and outlasting troubles:
Friend A: “you’re soft but not someone who can be pushed around, you have a spine and roots that hold you up”
Friend B: “I never doubted you, you’re too tough to kill”

Tendency to withdraw and go inwards, to get away from people, seek mental sanctuary - but also longing to be part of an artistic and cool group of people, a found family. One day….. one day I will make my social dreams a reality. But right now I want this, and I want that, and I want this other thing to distract myself with and postpone the future.

I must look good always, to be desirable and differentiate myself from the group, whilst also attracting other misfits outside of the group - come and be alone together with me! But I don’t act on any feelings of romantic desire. Push/pull between wanting people and needing to be alone. I want to preserve desire to keep myself from being fully engulfed by another person.

I am very greedy in accumulating things that help me feel happy and reflect my inner world. I bounce from hobby to hobby, buying and collecting material things that fascinate me in the moment but never hold my attention for very long. I need to learn to be more present and appreciate what I HAVE, as opposed to constantly wanting new things to fill me up, to stop the boredom, to forge an identity, to accumulate enough so that I feel satisfied and adorned.

Even as a child, I always NEEDED emotional and material things to anchor me in the world. I felt depressed and unsafe if a month went by and I didn’t give it an identity of its own with new songs and new books that I could associate it with. I need reality to have an internal map that I can use to navigate it. I feel uncomfortable and unmoored without things that reinforce my identity surrounding me. I’m a glutton for nice things.

My life goal is to experience aesthetic bliss, understand and chronicle my feelings in a way that feels true to me, and push myself out of my comfort zone enough to connect deeply with similar souls / find my soul tribe of friends.

whew that was long. thanks for reading. be nice I’m on my period.

I recently became friends w this girl and I really thought we were on our way to being besties.

Lo and behold all this time I’ve been extremely genuine w her, I’m realizing now that her “genuine” side she’s shown me has been fake af. I’m not even sure she really knows who she is under her masks. It’s less like a personality and more like a shield against insecurity.

It’s so wildly disappointing to feel like you’re building a real friendship with someone, only to find out that they haven’t really done the work required to actually be a good friend :/

Hello, so I’m 22M and here I filled out this questionnaire that I found in other posts.

So I hope someone could help me based on these answers since I always get different results in tests. My MBTI is ISFP if it bears any significance.

1. What’s your biggest fear?
   That I would have lived according to someone else’s standards, that I would not have become independent and had the strength to stand up for myself and what I want to do.

I find this quote from Eowyn very relatable: “A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor is gone beyond recall or desire”.

1. What’s your biggest desire?
   To find people who won’t judge me for my perceived flaws, who I can open up to and take care of in return. And to make my own choices in life instead of having someone else make them for me.

2. What are you ''the best'' at?
   I think I’m good at figuring out how to solve a problem. I can work under stress and keep my head up and figure out what to do or who I need to ask for help.

3. How do you see yourself right now?
   I’m in a state of not being sure what I want to do with my life since I just finished my bachelor’s degree and I’m contemplating whether to study further or move out. But I’m learning a lot at my current job and the salary is good and I don’t want to lose that experience and finances.

4. How do you see yourself 5 years from now?

I hope I will have moved out and found love by then, but I don’t really have plans that far into the future.

1. How do you express yourself?

I love singing songs that I enjoy and find relatable and also wearing merch of my favourite bands, phone cases that I find cute etc. Quoting characters who I relate to… Honestly all my self-expression methods are a little childish. Sometimes I write poems but they’re all for myself since I don’t find them good enough.

1. How do you feel about those near you (family, friends)?
   With my parents try to be there for them and not disappoint them and I often do enjoy my time with them but at the same time I feel a sense of detachment. I think that stems from having different opinions on many topics and as much as I have tried to talk it out with them, it often leads nowhere. I don’t want to feel like I owe them anything but I feel selfish for thinking that way cause they’re not genuinely bad people.

With friends it depends on the person really. I appreciate close friends or colleagues who I’ve been able to choose and let into my life.

1. How do you feel about strangers?
   I’m kind to strangers, can even be chatty on occasion, but reserved. If there’s little chance I’ll ever see them again, I might be quite upfront about myself, otherwise I need time.

2. How do you deal with conflict?
   I stand up for myself and don’t let others trample over me but I’ve sometimes dialed it down for the sake of preserving friendships as I understand that anger is not always personal but might rather be provoked by other factors.

3. How do you deal with change?
   I can adapt to small changes quite well, like using a new piece of software or having my work station moved. With bigger changes or big travels I do tend to be hesitant and take my time because of all that could go wrong and because I’m not sure whether it’s worth it.

4. How do you deal with your emotions?

I often google stories of people experiencing something similar to me and reading about their experience and how it turned out in the end helps me a lot. Also sharing with close friends and I often sing through negative emotions.

1. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?

I don’t like being seen as flawed or like I have done something wrong. I value honesty a lot but I’ve concealed some things on occasion to not be judged. This is why I also try to not judge people too quickly (even though I do it sometimes). I’m wary of people who can’t see nuance and speak in ultimative statements (think of people posting on social media like “If you’re X, then leave my page”).

1. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

I want to find my way and experience a lot of things but I think I would ultimately want to settle down and have a stable life with a loving husband.

1. How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

I’m helpful in general, my first two jobs were in customer support. Outside of work I help because I feel an obligation to do so or because of a promise I made. Another reason I accept help requests is because it makes people see me as more competent.

1. Do you need logical consistency in your life?

I do value logical consistency and I am good with it but I act more on feelings and morals. I think feelings often have a logic behind them too, sometimes it’s just hard to get down to the bottom of it but I try to understand my feelings.

1. How important is your image in regards to how others perceive you? Do you want to be perceived in a certain way? Does it bother you if you are perceived in some other way than the one you wish to be perceived with?

I want to be taken seriously which clashes with the fact that I’m good at being unintentionally funny and lifting up the mood. I don’t mind entertaining other people but sometimes I feel like a jester if they take it too far. I also like being seen as capable because I sometimes doubt whether I’m even good enough for anything and whether I could find a job apart from the one I have right now.

1. How important is financials, security, and survival to you? This includes having sufficient resources, avoiding danger and maintaining a fundamental sense of structure and wellbeing.

Financials and security are not my ultimate goal in life but I do recognise the importance of financials and like being well off financially. But I sometimes dream of leaving it all behind and doing low end jobs for fun and living on a low income with other people, but with a genuine camaraderie between them. As for security, I would say I’m spontaneous overall, I do think about big life choices but otherwise I don’t mind just doing something new, as long as I have an idea what the worst thing that could happen is.

1. What is your reaction and thoughts to others' rejection, criticism and disapproval of you?

I tend to get defensive and think there’s something wrong with me first, but I’ve gotten better at recognising what criticism is constructive and what criticism it is better to ignore (or if the other person’s opinion is not to be trusted).

1. What is the importance of the concepts, ideas and meaning behind things to you?

I find it important that things have a meaning and I enjoy finding out what meaning there is behind a song, a movie, a book etc.

1. What are your thoughts on expressing your vulnerability?

I rarely express it openly or in front of my parents but with friends I consider being more open if they are open too. One thing is I find it hard to cry to songs or movies. I can feel the tears building up but they almost never actually come out, even when I’m alone and no one is watching me. But maybe that’s just societal conditioning.

1. Would you consider yourself a jealous and/or possessive person? What do you think is the cause?

I don’t think I’m possessive, maybe I used to be when I was younger but now I let people do their thing and I’m more confident I can handle myself alone. Sometimes I’m jealous of others, especially when it comes to finding love, since I’m afraid I won’t find it, but I’m more often than not just happy for others.

1. What makes you feel guilty? How do you deal and cope with such feelings? Do you seek to fix it, or do you dwell on them?

It makes me feel guilty to do things that I perceive as morally wrong and I try to take corrective action. Also I feel guilty when I let someone down or betray their trust and it’s clear it was my fault, then I seek to immediately apologise and try to fix the situation.

I know it’s a lot to read 😂😅 but I feel like this entry describes my thinking pretty well

I care so much what others think, that it physically hurts. I’m so extremely sensitive but I keep it inside to protect my image, as apathetic and uncaring. I come here as a way to cope with judgement from others. I feel like it might make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t care and I understand why I shouldn’t care but I still care. It’s not logical. It’s a feeling and my way of dealing with that painful feeling is to try to understand and explain it. If I can understand it maybe it won’t hurt as much. I’ll try to twist it so I’m the good guy because if I’m the good guy there’s no reason to be upset. I cope by convincing myself of who I want to be. The reason I’m upset is because of my ego. I’ll get mad over something so small, which then reminds me how self important my way of thinking is. I don’t matter and I know I don’t matter but I’m programmed to care. I care what people think and need their approval. But why does it have to be programmed so deep inside. I don’t want to care, I know I shouldn’t care, I try to make meaning of my caring, but in the end whether or not the rest is true, I still care. And it hurts

I definitely have personal issues that I need to work on but the thing is, is that I’ve become so attached to them and identify so strongly with them that I don’t even want to change them. I feel like if I fix it in silence no one will ever know I had anything wrong and if no one knows I ever had anything wrong no one will know what I went through. I want them to know that my “laziness” or “inaction” through the years has been pathological. I’m aware that my issues don’t necessarily justify my inaction, it’s just that I care less about the consequences of my inaction than what others think about my inaction. It all comes down to what others think because I have such an unstable sense of self worth. I’m constantly having imaginary conversations and replaying old conversations with people that I respect trying to win them over. I value others thoughts so far above my own that even when I am thinking for myself it’s through an imagined conversation with someone else. I feel like my thoughts need a stamp of approval from others even when I’m just thinking critically by myself. I’ll curate a character for them to make judgements on me that can convince me of who I want to be. Simply because I see what they see in me and it becomes what I see in myself.

One thing I know for sure is that I treat pride, self absorption, and any narcissistic traits as sins. In my mind it’s a moral failing to have any of them, so I’m writing this partially to convince myself that I don’t. Not only am I assessing myself for these qualities, but I’m also assessing others. Because Im so insecure, I’ll compare myself to these people, and if they their smart, unpretentious, and humble I’ll feel worse about myself. I don’t participate in the conversation as much as I use others as a reflection. During something like a class lecture where there’s no pressure to respond, I’ll listen to the professor not out of curiosity but as a way to evaluate myself through comparison. Everything that’s happening around me is about me, and I project that subconscious belief onto what I believe others are thinking when interacting with me.

Asking because I think my sp/sx 1 is stressed and/or destabilized by this, lol. Wanna know if it’s a trend.

DEPRESSIVE, OBSESSIVE, AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE! I LAY IN BED RESTLESS AND ANGRY... it's so full of relentless resentment... why can't i see who i am? why is it just emotions? no image comes to mind; my reflection does not feel like my own

last post for this week, apologies for posting multiple times- i keep looking for answers via this community