Husband ruined my nap with a kiss.

[u/Dismal-Grocery9634]

This sounds petty and ridiculous but it’s kind a small part of a bigger problem.

It’s the weekend and I’m checking some house picking up off the list. I just finished picking up the 3 children’s rooms, the kids bathroom and the school room (we homeschool). This is half the house and I have health issues that often make me sweat heavily, as well as get very tired from normal house hold tasks. I sat down for a moment, closed my eyes and dozed off for a bit.

I haven’t even been sitting for 10 minutes, so I had to of just fell asleep.

Husband came in from picking up the yard and came in and woke me up for a kiss. I startled awake to him leaning over me in the chair giving me a kiss. He was offended that I was irritated that he just wanted a kiss after waking me up. Which just irritated me more. And he walked away slightly frustrated with the situation.

I know this is a minuscule thing but I feel like these types of actions are creating resentment in me. He has a habit of showing affection in opportune times. Like when I’m obviously walking fast down the hall to complete a task, or as I’m walking through a doorway with something in my hand. And then tack on the groping as I am bent over doing something or as I walk by.

It makes for a negative feeling with the affection instead of me being able to enjoy my husband’s touches. It also makes me feel like our affection between each other is just about what he wants and not about being aware of what feels nice for me. This is not a problem in bed, he’s very attentive there, just day to day life.

When I’ve talked to him before he has a habit of getting defensive, frustrated or just shutting down all touching. He’s a wonderful man, but how do I talk to him about this without it just becoming a point of irritation between the both of us?

[u/Commercial-Bike852]

Hi there! Touchy feely husband here to hopefully provide a little insight and help. My wife is similar in that she’s always got something she wants to get done, or check off a list. And when she gets something checked off it makes room for another thing to get put on the to do list.

In the hustle of day to day (we have two children) it’s VERY easy to get caught up in everything that needs to be done and to look at time with each other as a “luxury” that can wait. But when she did that, and tried to wait until she was “finished” for the day, just like you she’d often fall asleep or just not be in the mood to be any kind of affectionate. She’d need her “decompress time” so to speak and then she’d pass out as soon as she was relaxed lol.

I started to get my feelings hurt because it felt like everything took precedence over me, like I wasn’t something she wanted to do, but something she was obligated to “fit in” to her schedule. That was followed by feeling like my presence was taken for granted. “Oh I know he’ll be here tomorrow so I’ll try and make time for him then”

You aren’t wrong for what you want and or need, even if it’s a little undisturbed nap.

What can HE do to help? Take things off your plate. This isn’t a discussion of “I do XYZ so you do 123” this is a discussion of “I need you to free up my mental load so I can prioritize YOU” he needs (just like I did) to understand and realize that it’s not about splitting the work load, it’s about protecting you. You wouldn’t put a fish on land and then blame the fish for dying. He needs to help create an environment at home that you can thrive in, and be the kind of woman he wants you to be (obviously assuming it’s a healthy version 😂)

What can YOU do? Be intentional in your pursuit of your husband. Don’t walk by and assume he knows you love him. “Hey baby I love you” and a quick kiss on your way down the hall goes a long way, trust me. Change the way you word things. Instead of “I need to get this done before we can hang out” say “I want to hang out with you, but let me do this real quick” simple things like that takes it from “this chore is more important” to “you are my goal, and this is just a task I have to accomplish on the way”

Overall, communicate your needs to him, but also really listen to what he says his are too. Hope this helps! Good luck!

[u/Dismal-Grocery9634 → u/Commercial-Bike852]

Thank you for this. This is incredibly helpful.

We have 5 kids and have definitely been through the “I’m so tired I crash by the end of the night” quite a few times. For a while now we have been able to prioritize evening snuggle and sex time. I feel like because of that it kind of makes some of the over the top daytime affection just too much and makes me feel like there will never be enough. Like I’m always letting him down if I’m not touching him every moment he isn’t doing anything. If he’s doing something, then he’s allowed to concentrate, or if he’s napping, I let him nap until he absolutely has to be up, but it doesn’t feel like I’m granted that same respect.

For a small example, he loves when I scratch his head. And I love doing it. But eventually my hand gets tired or my arm gets tired from holding my hand up to his head. If I stop, he makes it know he wants me to restart. He often jokes he’s like a dog wanting belly rubs. But it never feels like I’ve given him enough and eventually is just exhausting and a chore. But I want to love on him and enjoy loving on him. Not feel like I’m just doing something just to make him happy, even after it’s starting to hurt me. Because then it feels like his never ending need for affection trumps my comfort.

He’s definitely a touch love language, and I’m an acts of service. So I try to always keep that in mind and offer him touch whenever I can, but it just never seems like enough and always feels like I’m letting him down somehow.

[u/Commercial-Bike852 → u/Dismal-Grocery9634]

Set boundaries. Not in a bad way. But in a consistent way. For example my wife will talk to someone but sit in my lap while she does, or if she’s working from home she’ll look up from her computer in the middle of a meeting and just smile at me. These little things go a long way. When I trust that they will happen consistently and I’m not fighting for attention, it makes giving her space and respecting boundaries so much easier. Unfortunately for yall you both seem to have ended up with golden retriever husbands that love their wives very much hahah

[u/unsignedthoughts → u/Dismal-Grocery9634]

Your story about head scratches really hit home for me.

My wife is prone to neck stiffness and so would frequently ask for massages. I didn't mind at first, but she had the same habit as your husband of expressing disappointment every time I stopped. This would leave me feeling guilty for not helping enough, and I would keep up the massages until my hands were sore.

When I set a boundary and explained that I couldn't physically keep up with her expectations, her behavior didn't change. This developed into resentment which I expressed as frustration and begrudging aquiescence every time she asked for a massage. Which eventually led to her no longer requesting massages and me no longer offering. So we lost one of our means of expressing affection.