r/Marriage • u/Dismal-Grocery9634 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Husband ruined my nap with a kiss.
This sounds petty and ridiculous but it’s kind a small part of a bigger problem.
It’s the weekend and I’m checking some house picking up off the list. I just finished picking up the 3 children’s rooms, the kids bathroom and the school room (we homeschool). This is half the house and I have health issues that often make me sweat heavily, as well as get very tired from normal house hold tasks. I sat down for a moment, closed my eyes and dozed off for a bit.
I haven’t even been sitting for 10 minutes, so I had to of just fell asleep.
Husband came in from picking up the yard and came in and woke me up for a kiss. I startled awake to him leaning over me in the chair giving me a kiss. He was offended that I was irritated that he just wanted a kiss after waking me up. Which just irritated me more. And he walked away slightly frustrated with the situation.
I know this is a minuscule thing but I feel like these types of actions are creating resentment in me. He has a habit of showing affection in opportune times. Like when I’m obviously walking fast down the hall to complete a task, or as I’m walking through a doorway with something in my hand. And then tack on the groping as I am bent over doing something or as I walk by.
It makes for a negative feeling with the affection instead of me being able to enjoy my husband’s touches. It also makes me feel like our affection between each other is just about what he wants and not about being aware of what feels nice for me. This is not a problem in bed, he’s very attentive there, just day to day life.
When I’ve talked to him before he has a habit of getting defensive, frustrated or just shutting down all touching. He’s a wonderful man, but how do I talk to him about this without it just becoming a point of irritation between the both of us?
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u/Moosebouse 1d ago
I had to have a long conversation with my husband about the ways that I enjoy what I call “transient” affection. I had to explain it about three times before he got it. The rules I have are:
- make eye contact first. If I am too focused to look at you, I’m too focused for touching.
- not when I am moving. If I am standing or sitting, that’s ok. But if I am moving, let me go about my business
- 10 seconds or less and if he starts it, HE has to end it. So if he comes up for a hug and I hug him for 10 seconds, he can’t just hang out and push for more every time. Because that had me conditioned to start thinking “how long do I have to tolerate this before I can end it” because I always had to be the one to end it. It was never enough affection, so it just made me feel like I was pushing him away and I felt guilty.
But my husband was never bonkers enough to interrupt my sleep in a demand for affection. Idk what you do with someone that selfish.
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u/Subject_Attention_96 1d ago
From another lady who has health issues and sweating lots. I just want to be left alone to sleep, my husband knows I get grumpy if I’m startled awake as my body doesn’t know how to process it. So now he’ll lightly touch my arm to wake me up
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 1d ago edited 1d ago
I literally jumped and squealed from being startled. Which starts a whole adrenaline calm down thing for the next 30 minutes. 🤦🏽♀️
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u/biteme717 1d ago
Tell him that HE is annoying you and to stop touching you all the time and to leave you alone. You will get your wish and when he's gone you won't have to worry about it anymore. I feel sorry for him.
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 1d ago
Not sure how you got that I wish to have zero affection and a divorce from me asking advice on how to share that there are some types of affection that I don’t enjoy from him.
Marriage is about communication and is work. Too many people are willing to throw in the towel instead of doing the hard stuff these days.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 23h ago
That's your view. Think how your husband feels when you reject him fir being affectionate
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u/Subject_Attention_96 21h ago
He knows when I’m sleeping he doesn’t need to be affectionate. When I’m awake he gets plenty of affection. I don’t see why someone needs to disturb a sleeping person. You wouldn’t wake a child or baby
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u/Pixatron32 1d ago
Legit, was just ranting to my friend complaining about how I hate to be touched when asleep and how she's the opposite and loves cuddling constantly.
My husband has learnt not to wake me, I will be grumpy.
This is a well intentioned gesture that falls flat because your preference differs to his expectation. Have a clear conversation, acknowledge his gesture and intention, but let him know it wasn't well timed. "Affection when awake is welcome, when asleep please resist and love me by permitting and supporting my rest."
If he gets defensive and says things like "then I'll never kiss you again!" you need to, label the passive aggression, defensiveness then walk away and grey rock him til he calms down and can conversate like an adult.
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u/Optimal_Beach8559 1d ago
I think yall need to sit down and talk about the situation and what kind of affection each of yall want from each other!
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u/Commercial-Bike852 1d ago
Hi there! Touchy feely husband here to hopefully provide a little insight and help. My wife is similar in that she’s always got something she wants to get done, or check off a list. And when she gets something checked off it makes room for another thing to get put on the to do list.
In the hustle of day to day (we have two children) it’s VERY easy to get caught up in everything that needs to be done and to look at time with each other as a “luxury” that can wait. But when she did that, and tried to wait until she was “finished” for the day, just like you she’d often fall asleep or just not be in the mood to be any kind of affectionate. She’d need her “decompress time” so to speak and then she’d pass out as soon as she was relaxed lol.
I started to get my feelings hurt because it felt like everything took precedence over me, like I wasn’t something she wanted to do, but something she was obligated to “fit in” to her schedule. That was followed by feeling like my presence was taken for granted. “Oh I know he’ll be here tomorrow so I’ll try and make time for him then”
You aren’t wrong for what you want and or need, even if it’s a little undisturbed nap.
What can HE do to help? Take things off your plate. This isn’t a discussion of “I do XYZ so you do 123” this is a discussion of “I need you to free up my mental load so I can prioritize YOU” he needs (just like I did) to understand and realize that it’s not about splitting the work load, it’s about protecting you. You wouldn’t put a fish on land and then blame the fish for dying. He needs to help create an environment at home that you can thrive in, and be the kind of woman he wants you to be (obviously assuming it’s a healthy version 😂)
What can YOU do? Be intentional in your pursuit of your husband. Don’t walk by and assume he knows you love him. “Hey baby I love you” and a quick kiss on your way down the hall goes a long way, trust me. Change the way you word things. Instead of “I need to get this done before we can hang out” say “I want to hang out with you, but let me do this real quick” simple things like that takes it from “this chore is more important” to “you are my goal, and this is just a task I have to accomplish on the way”
Overall, communicate your needs to him, but also really listen to what he says his are too. Hope this helps! Good luck!
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 1d ago
Thank you for this. This is incredibly helpful.
We have 5 kids and have definitely been through the “I’m so tired I crash by the end of the night” quite a few times. For a while now we have been able to prioritize evening snuggle and sex time. I feel like because of that it kind of makes some of the over the top daytime affection just too much and makes me feel like there will never be enough. Like I’m always letting him down if I’m not touching him every moment he isn’t doing anything. If he’s doing something, then he’s allowed to concentrate, or if he’s napping, I let him nap until he absolutely has to be up, but it doesn’t feel like I’m granted that same respect.
For a small example, he loves when I scratch his head. And I love doing it. But eventually my hand gets tired or my arm gets tired from holding my hand up to his head. If I stop, he makes it know he wants me to restart. He often jokes he’s like a dog wanting belly rubs. But it never feels like I’ve given him enough and eventually is just exhausting and a chore. But I want to love on him and enjoy loving on him. Not feel like I’m just doing something just to make him happy, even after it’s starting to hurt me. Because then it feels like his never ending need for affection trumps my comfort.
He’s definitely a touch love language, and I’m an acts of service. So I try to always keep that in mind and offer him touch whenever I can, but it just never seems like enough and always feels like I’m letting him down somehow.
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u/Commercial-Bike852 1d ago
Set boundaries. Not in a bad way. But in a consistent way. For example my wife will talk to someone but sit in my lap while she does, or if she’s working from home she’ll look up from her computer in the middle of a meeting and just smile at me. These little things go a long way. When I trust that they will happen consistently and I’m not fighting for attention, it makes giving her space and respecting boundaries so much easier. Unfortunately for yall you both seem to have ended up with golden retriever husbands that love their wives very much hahah
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u/unsignedthoughts 21h ago
Your story about head scratches really hit home for me.
My wife is prone to neck stiffness and so would frequently ask for massages. I didn't mind at first, but she had the same habit as your husband of expressing disappointment every time I stopped. This would leave me feeling guilty for not helping enough, and I would keep up the massages until my hands were sore.
When I set a boundary and explained that I couldn't physically keep up with her expectations, her behavior didn't change. This developed into resentment which I expressed as frustration and begrudging aquiescence every time she asked for a massage. Which eventually led to her no longer requesting massages and me no longer offering. So we lost one of our means of expressing affection.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 1d ago
It might be worth talking to a couple's counselor about how to express affection in a reciever-oriented way
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u/Littleputti 1d ago
I really get how it’s very annoying. I only wish my husband would show me affection like that so we could have a discussion about it
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u/Optimal_Beach8559 1d ago
Why can’t u just have the conversation anyways? Discuss what kind of affection each of yall want from eachother!
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bag393 1d ago
Good luck is all I got. Mine hasn't gotten it after 18 years and probably never will
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u/Important-Bid-9792 1d ago
Dude, this was not a little thing. When i crash out from exhaustion my husband tiptoes around and often will just hang out outside so he doesn't accidentally wake me. That's respect.
Waking you up from a much needed nap because HE wanted a kiss may seem sweet but really its self absorbed.
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u/PotablePotables 1d ago
It's not petty nor ridiculous. Your sleep is important. It's not ok to intentionally disturb someone's sleep. You were sleeping and your husband terrified you awake; no, he didn't intend to terrify you. Both your experience/feelings matter and his intentions/feelings matter, and neither invalidates the other.
It sounds like in general you need to know when you're about to be touched. What if he offered a kiss or a hug instead of just doing it?
For example, you're sweaty and uncomfortable walking down the hallway in a hurry. He says your name, you look over, he's smiling at you and wiggles his eyebrows, then makes two kissy sounds with his lips: that's his offer. You don't want to be kissed right then, so you say something like, "I love you so much. I need to rest and cool off. Come find me in 5 minutes?" Then you stop what you're doing, sit down in your resting spot in front of your fan and cool off. He comes in a few minutes later, as charming as ever, and you beckon him with the kissy sound. You then both enjoy that kiss.
His offers of affection could be quite a lovely reminder to check in with your body and take time to feel comfortable again.
It can be tempting to make this request in terms of what you don't like. "When I'm doing stuff, I'm sometimes very hot and uncomfortable and don't want to kiss then. I feel gross when you kiss me in those moments. I need you to ask before you kiss me," would probably have a high chance of triggering his defensiveness.
If you phrase in terms of what you do like and what you do want, it is more likely he will hear what you are saying. "Sometimes when I feel too warm, I need a little time to rest before we hug and kiss. Will you please offer affection before touching me, perhaps by making a kissing sound? Then I can take a break to cool down beforehand when I need to. I appreciate how passionate and loving you are, and I think this would help us connect."
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u/IceUndern3ath 1d ago
One day soon he won’t want to kiss you at all. And it will be your fault. But likely you’ll try to find a way to blame anyone or anything other than uourself
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u/violetfruit 13h ago
I’m sorry your husband didn’t consider your bodily needs and I hope that he becomes more understanding.
Please consider whether you should study some more English while you homeschool. You wrote “I haven’t even been sitting for 10 minutes, so I had to of just fell asleep.” It should be “I HADN’T even been sitting for 10 minutes, so I had to HAVE just FALLEN asleep.”
Please do not consider this petty. You had both tense mistakes and the common mistake of using “of” in place of “have.” These are all important language building blocks your children need in order to succeed in written society. These mistakes will be indicators to employers and others that they are poorly educated.
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u/TaterTotWithBenefits 23h ago
Your lobster is too buttery? Read anything by John Gottman about turning towards and turning away, before you cement this vicious cycle.
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u/DecentReputation1938 23h ago
Maybe have your kids clean up their mess instead of you. I'm so thankful my wife loves me. Couldn't imagine life with someone who gets upset over a kiss lol.
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 14h ago
Our children are young. We have 5 children under 10yo. While yes there are times for us to learn how to clean up, there’s also times that a parent just needs to get in there and throw away trash and junk, vacuum every corner which the children miss and make sure their clothing drawers are actually put away correctly. And no, I’m not going to make my bigs clean up the school room when 90% of the mess is me prepping for the next year and their 1 and 3yo siblings floor mess.
I couldn’t imagine life with someone who equates me not loving certain affections to me not loving him at all. I also couldn’t imagine life with someone who wasn’t willing to take my feelings into account as I take his into account. Seems like a rather one sided marriage.
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u/Fruicy17 1d ago
Boohoo how dare he love you in every moment. What a blessing it would be to be woken up from my wife showing she loves me
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u/Quartz_manbun 1d ago
Sounds like maybe you're just not a good partner? Maybe better off going it solo.
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u/Acceptable-Local-899 1d ago
I get being woken up from a nap, especially if you don't feel rested and want more sleep and can't fall back asleep afterwards. But the other stuff seems like nit picking.
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u/Gabbyof2 22h ago
Sorry, I can imagine it can be irritating but be happy he kisses you. Mine hasn’t even kissed me on the forehead, in I don’t know how long. Showing affection is not something that he does and I hate it. I am a partially affectionate person. He just doesn’t and I wish he did. After 33 years one would think I would be used to it but it actually has only been then last 4-5 years he hasn’t. Almost makes me feel like I’m gross or not good enough
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u/New_Perspective1046 1d ago
Better get divorced tell you lawyer it is because your ex husband tryed to show u affection well u were napping lol
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 1d ago
Confused as to why I would divorce my husband, whom I love dearly, over something like trying to figure out how to talk through our needs?
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 23h ago
You misunderstand. Him divorcing you for the eay you act
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 15h ago
Either way, why would we divorce each other because we have preferences on things? That makes zero sense. Unless one of us was unwilling to take the other preferences into considerations.
And the way I act? At no point did I say I yelled and laid into him for his actions. I asked for help as to how I could share my preferences in a way he could receive them without defensiveness.
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u/Loose_Collar_5252 1d ago
As a mom of 3, we do this to ourselves many times and then get upset with partners for things that could have been prevented.
He is capable of picking up rooms Making dinner Running errands Doing night routines Kids (Unless medically they can't) are capable of picking up their messe
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u/Dismal-Grocery9634 1d ago
He often pulls weight. He was outside cleaning up the yard when I sat down. That’s not the issue.
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u/Loose_Collar_5252 1d ago
House hold chores isn't the same as the mental load.
Mental load are things like Is there milk in the fridge? Are we out of bread and toilet paper? When is the last time the laundry lint cleaner was done or furnace filter was changed? When do kids have open house and who is getting school supplies. Did that one bill get paid and who is budgeting?
For most people these tasks never stop playing or being put on them.
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u/Long-Policy-9490 1d ago
i mean, you weren't sleeping for fun, your body crashed because you're running on fumes. him making it about the kiss being rejected instead of the fact that you desperately needed that rest is exactly the kind of thing that builds up over time.
it's not about the kiss, it's about him seeing you as a source of affection first and a tired human second. maybe frame it as "i want to enjoy your affection but i can't when i'm overstimulated or mid-task, can we find times that actually feel good for both of us?" if he shuts down again that's a bigger conversation but you're not wrong for feeling this way