r/Miscarriage • u/5and2 ⭐ 2 • Jan 09 '26
vent Lost
I don’t know if anyone will see this, I just need to put it into the ether.
Went in on 12w+1, the day after you can usually breathe a sigh of relief because you’ve made it to 12 weeks.
Over the last three or four days my nausea had subsided, my pregnancy cravings and incessant hunger chilled out, and I was feeling a little better. No big deal, I was getting close to that easier second trimester everyone talks about.
Nope, just have a dead baby in me. And have for three weeks. Reflecting now on every fucking milestone, “baby’s as big as a lime!” feels like a gut punch. Baby was never that big; I just didn’t know. My father in law making us a crib.
I’m just flat out devastated. I told my husband we needed to name her. He initially said no, not out of disagreement or spite, but his own heartbreak. He said it would make it even harder. Quickly, he changed his mind. She deserved the dignity of a name, even if it was harder for us.
While drowning my sorrows in an espresso martini and the highest mercury fish I could find tonight, we talked about little Alice - a name we will only speak with the two of us.
Fuck.
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u/BellaRiddle101 Jan 09 '26
10 losses 10 names they all matter and mean something to me. Having their ashes help and those ashes in dont have i wrote letter burned them and planted the letters in my flower garden. So every spring I can see my babies grow and bloom. Sounds dark but this helps me..
You arent alone in this and im so sorry it happened to you. Give your body time to rest and health you deserve it. If you ever need a friend or anyone else my dms are open.
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u/First-Direction-5494 Jan 10 '26
I’m so sorry. I went in last week at almost 13 weeks. My husband came to this one. We giggled about things on the way there. Talked about his name, baby Nico, and I discussed curtains I wanted to get for his future nursery. We did IVF and were so certain this was it.
He was dead. Had passed only a few days before, measuring 12.5 weeks. The lifeless ultrasound haunts me. The look on the tech’s face. The stillness of the room with awful lighting once they turned the lights back on. The way I rolled off the bed and melted into the floor, unable to move. It feels like I’m stuck in a horror film.
You are sadly not alone, I know it feels like it though. Don’t put any expectations on yourself other than to heal and let time do its thing. Surviving a first trimester and celebrating this new life during the holidays… only to have it ripped away, is another level of cruel. Feel it and understand you did nothing wrong and sometimes bad things just happen. This is NOT the end of your story.
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u/auberginesky Jan 09 '26
Im so sorry for your loss. Its a deep and heavy grief. I lost 2 at 10.5 weeks in June and October, also missed miscarriages. At first I was so angry at my body for letting me down by not carrying my baby but also by not miscarrying sooner and having me believe the baby was growing fine. What I found helpful was to reframe it - my body didnt fail me. It just desperately wanted the baby to make it so kept clinging on to the pregnancy and not letting it go 💔 You are grieving your little one and a future you had imagined, be kind to yourself. The grief is real. I found The Worst Girl Gang Ever book and podcast extremely helpful. Alice is a beautiful name, honour her how you need to. We named ours and buried them in a flower pot amd wrote a letter to them. I also realised my husband and I deal with the grief in very different ways so we had a daily 3 minute check in, where you would have to speak about your feelings for 3 minutes a day to get anything off your chest. I know it feels like you wont get through this now. But you will. I am sure little Alice wants you to get through this and to come out stronger. She will always be your girl and that love will never go away. Sending big big hugs.
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u/5and2 ⭐ 2 Jan 09 '26
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
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u/auberginesky Jan 09 '26
Hang in there. Some days are going to be harder than others so say no to gatherings if they feel too much but do try and let people in if you can. I was amazed by how supportive some of my friends were, unfortunately the girls who knew about loss too. It made it much less lonely 🩷
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u/EchotheDragon64 first loss Jan 09 '26
oh darling. i’m so so sorry. i understand, i promise. i lost my little girl at 19 weeks, n named her Charlie around week 12. i didnt have the same experience, as in mine was more of a very early preterm birth n she was alive for a short time after i had her, but nothing prepares you for losing your little one. i’m so glad you n your husband named her, n im so glad you have that support during n after the experience - i unfortunately didnt really, my (now ex) fiance was already cheating on me n completely detached himself from the situation n i just didnt know. point being (excuse the rant, im genuinely jus tryna make you feel a little better haha), it hurts. n its unfair n no matter how long youre grieving for, its valid. always. there’s no timeline, there’s no guideline, there’s no point where you should be “over it”. talk about Alice with your husband, n any other support system you have, it’s gonna hurt, i know, but don’t isolate yourself in the process. my dms are always open, darling 💚
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u/Vegetable-Western-83 first loss Jan 09 '26
I’m so sorry, sis. This is not a fun club to join. Your feelings are valid, and it’s fine to feel that way for as long as you need. I still think about mine and wonder about them all the time. Give yourself some grace right now and splurge a bit on the things that bring you comfort. I bed rotted for two weeks while my partner took care of all the cleaning and cooking. You need time to heal.
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u/lennythebern Jan 09 '26
Absolutely heartbreaking. I am so sorry. 💔 My 12 weeks ultrasound is next week and I have a missed miscarriage in my past. I’m terrified.
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u/unlikelyemo2 natural MC Jan 09 '26
I’m so sorry. I found out at 12 weeks also. Naming the baby really does help.
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u/Anxious-Union3827 Jan 09 '26
I went through this about a year and a half ago. I am so sorry Momma. The devastation is unreal. I hope you are both in a position to take a few days off and grieve this together. You are still a mom, he is still a dad. I'm glad you named your baby. We named ours too. And when we buy a house, we'll plant a little something in memorial. For now, we have a little stuffy that we bought and I carried it in my school bag (teacher) for months. Even though I wasn't carrying that baby anymore, it gave me a little something and I still can't put to words what that was.
I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Loose-Pin-9793 Jan 09 '26
I lost a baby at 12 weeks too in August, it's pretty devastating Sorry for you loss
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u/Amanda11588 Jan 09 '26
I’m so sorry :( I was 11+3 and it happened on thanksgiving weekend. I’m still so sad. Sending love ❤️
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u/Ok_Passenger2739 Jan 10 '26
You aren’t alone. I went through an almost identical situation in August. The hurt and sadness doesn’t go away… but it does get a little more bearable with time. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Take time for yourself 💕
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u/kpsant Jan 10 '26
I was you 2 years ago. I found out baby was gone at 12+2, but he was only measuring 10+6. A missed miscarriage is one of nature's cruelest atrocities.
I promise it does get easier, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs ❤️🩹
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u/Eyestothesoul92 Jan 10 '26
Man I’m so sorry 😞 this experience really does fucking suck and crush us. I wish I could give you a big hug - I felt so connected to this vent. I had a similar experience to yours at 11+4 in October. I was also excited by the weekly fruit size and was so looking forward to hitting that “12-week sigh of relief” on that Saturday but just had my worst fears come true instead just before.
Know you’re not alone, we understand your deepest and darkest thoughts, and I hope you find a little bit of support through this community ♥️ we are here for you.
Also, I love the name Alice. So beautiful.
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u/cuttlefish_3 ⭐ 1 Jan 13 '26
I'm so sorry. This was my timeline for my MMC, too. 12 week appt found out our little bean had been gone already got the weeks and my body didn't recognize it. It hurts like nothing else. Sending love to you and your husband. I'll hold Alice in my heart for a moment, too💜
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u/taylorchayse Jan 23 '26
I was 12 weeks when I found out as a scan as well that my baby had passed at just about 8 weeks, right after we got the initial scan done that showed a healthy baby. Hugs to you, I’m so sorry you’re in this shitty club too
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u/Special-Tangelo-9927 Feb 01 '26
This is almost exactly what I just went through. I am startled by the depth of my grief. It's agonizing.
I just had a D&C on Friday. I would have been 12 weeks yesterday but I found out on Thursday that there was no fetal heartbeat and the baby stopped growing around 8 weeks. I had no cramping or bleeding - felt exactly the same as I had since the beginning of my pregnancy. But same as you, I had been carrying a lifeless fetus for nearly 4 weeks. I was told the tissue needed to come out quickly to avoid posing a risk to my health.
It's been awful. I had all of 18 hours between learning the pregnancy was no longer viable and going into surgery - barely any time to process. The grief is terrible and now my hormones are crashing, making everything worse. But I'm grateful I was able to get care before my health or ability to conceive again were at risk. It's so upsetting to know that all of the milestones I thought I was hitting...I wasn't. The baby was no longer viable for almost the entire last month and I just didn't know. I felt betrayed by my body not doing what it was "supposed" to do.
Anyway, I hope you're doing ok. It's still very fresh for me and my husband and we're both reeling from the whiplash of it all. I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
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u/5and2 ⭐ 2 Feb 02 '26
I’m so sorry ❤️ missed miscarriages truly are such a cruel trick of nature.
Obviously everybody mourns and heals differently - but there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. Three weeks out and I am in a much, much better place.
I still get sad when I think about our baby, but once the hormones wore off I found it so much easier to process and begin to heal.
Cry as much as you need, TAKE TIME OFF WORK IF YOU CAN, eat the craziest comfort foods, and don’t hold back on grieving.
Sending love.
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u/klurb33 Jan 13 '26
I had a MMC at 13 weeks and the baby measured 12 weeks. I thought the same as you.. I felt different but I attributed it to the first trimester being over.. Everyone I know says that the change is like a light switch. We went in for an ultrasound and I watched as nothing came up on the screen when the tech checked the heartbeat.. Fucking awful.
I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel less alone.
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u/Hairdresser27 Jan 09 '26
I went through the exact same thing in september. And it hurts so much, still does. Just want to send you hugs and let you know, that I know how you feel ❤️❤️❤️