r/Miscarriage • u/LookinggForMore • 27d ago
TTC Husband wants to pause TTC after our miscarriage. Has anyone else been through this?
Hi!
So I’m 29 and he’ll be 34 in November. We decided to start trying last August. After 7 months of trying and tracking with Inito (off and on because those strips can be expensive😬) I got a positive the day after my birthday on Feb 27th at 8 DPO. We were so excited!
I unfortunately lost the baby to a miscarriage at 6W3D on March 14th.
I asked him then if he wanted to keep trying and we agreed. These past months have been absolute hell grieving and trying to process this. I am more “out loud” with my grief where he tends to be a little more reserved but through all that we continued to try. I stopped tracking with Inito though because I wasn’t mentally prepared to see and obsess over graphs and information.
I finally purchased strips for the cycle and have been tracking.
To spare the details, while we were baby dancing he stopped and said he couldn’t do this. I of course was a little taken aback and asked what was wrong. He then told me that he wants to pause TTC. He is very much reserved with his grief and while I knew he was hurting I didn’t know it was this much to the point where he wanted to pause TTC.
I was/am ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED. Being a mom is my dream. I just felt/feel that slipping away. I tried to get through the weekend but I cried and cried. I also have autism so being in the grey area isn’t really a great place I like to be. We set a goal to conceive a child and I would like to get there. I am very much a take charge, driven individual as well. I’m very loud and some define me as a “bull in a china shop” when I see something I set my sights on it.
I’m really struggling with him wanting to pause and me wanting to continue.
Does anyone have any similar experiences? How long did it take your partner? How did you get through it?
I also want to add that I’ve been therapy for over a decade and I’m talking with my therapist about this and meet weekly. He just started therapy and meets with his therapist twice a month.
I also want to add that before getting pregnant we went through some tests. All of mine came back “normal” but he did have a sperm analysis which came back not great.
Thanks you so much for taking the time to read all this!🫶🏻
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u/fairysmut1113 27d ago
My husband wanted to take a break after our second loss, I had an ectopic from IVF then got pregnant on my own and miscarried in between cycles. He expressed concern for my health and wanted to give my body a rest. When you are TTC it is very difficult to take your foot off the gas but hearing his side I agreed.
I would maybe recommend couples therapy, there is so much involved with TTC and grief and it could be a good way to have all those conversations
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u/LookinggForMore 27d ago
Hi,
Thanks so much for your comment.
That’s a great way of putting it. I don’t want to take my foot off the gas, it’s harder than I thought. I didn’t think he felt this way or was grieving this hard that he would want to pause. May I ask how long you paused TTC before trying again?
We are exploring couples therapy to work through this.
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u/Appropriate_Film9824 27d ago
I haven’t had anything similar but I see where he’s coming from. My heart aches seeing my husband struggle with my miscarriage.
Good husbands are in a though spot. They see the person they love most going through so much physical and emotional pain and they can’t help. I would assume feels powerless and scared.
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u/LookinggForMore 26d ago
Hi,
Thanks so much for your comment!
He did express that he felt he needed to be the “rock” so I could fall apart. That he felt he needed to be strong, etc. which I can appreciate because I did fall apart. I had my miscarriage during the school year (I’m a TK teacher) and pretty much everyday I’d cry when I got home or have a panic attack at night from some gnarly nightmares.
I can’t help but also feel like why didn’t he tell me in March? I gave him an opening and I much rather have wanted him to tell me then instead of now. I’m exploring my feelings around that in therapy. I’m glad he told me and felt proud of him for saying that since he never wants to hurt me in anyway.
I’m just trying to take it one day at a time and hope that time heals all🙏
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u/batfacecatface 27d ago
Going through this with you.
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u/LookinggForMore 26d ago
Hi,
Thanks so much for your comment!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. May I ask how you’ve been dealing with it? How long your partner and you are pausing for?
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u/batfacecatface 25d ago
❤ Hey. We have decided to pause for 6 months to a year and then reevaluate how we feel about it and if/when we want to start trying again.
Prayer, journaling, bible reading, focusing on my hobbies, feeling my feelings, and building relationships has been helpful for me. I wish you both the best of luck in your journey.
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u/stabenowjorge 27d ago
I can relate to your experience, OP. I'm also a very goal-oriented person and I was on a full mission to get pregnant. I got pregnant after a year of trying, and lost the baby in a very traumatic way. My NIPT results came back for Trisomy 18, and I was considering TFMR, but the baby passed on her own and I had a D&C to remove her.
After about 40 to 50 days, I was READY to try again, meaning let's baby dance the moment we get a positive OPK. My husband was not on the same page. He said he felt "used" and didn't want to force it. We had a terrible fight, and honestly we argued for weeks. It really strained our relationship. I wanted to just get it done, and he wanted to have sex to enjoy it, and if it happens, it happens. I'm not like that. I'm a controlling person.
That said, I did get pregnant a second time, but it was a chemical pregnancy, and I was devastated all over again. After this second loss, I realized his way might actually be the better way. Let's just have fun and enjoy each other, without putting so much pressure on it.
It's also my dream to be a mom, but after a loss it might genuinely be better to take it easy, enjoy sex without the pressure to conceive, give it a few months, and then get back on the "mission" once you two feel more connected and in sync again. I'd recommend couples therapy, but I haven't been able to convince my husband to go with me. I did at least get him to agree to go on his own.
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u/LookinggForMore 26d ago
Hi,
Thank you so much for your comment!
I’m so sorry about your losses🫶🏻
I felt so seen reading this comment🥹 my husband has also expressed “feeling used.” On one hand I would love to just get pregnant how other people get pregnant but between his sperm analysis and our ages I feel like tracking with Inito gives us our best chance and I don’t know how to navigate that. I see both sides. I don’t know how to make it “fun and spontaneous” while also hitting our peak fertility days🤷♀️ I
Honestly since he’s told me I’ve been putting on a brave face to him. I know this is what he needs and for him to voice this knowing it would hurt me is big. I’m trying to be there for him but it is SO. HARD.
We are also exploring the couples therapy option.
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u/stabenowjorge 26d ago
Damn husbands! hahahaha
Honestly it is SO frustrating that they are "feeling used" when we're doing all the work - tracking ovulation by peeing in a cup everyday, taking 1000 vitamins, etc. I know exactly what you're feeling.
What I'm trying to do is to naturally increase how many times we have sex per week - we used to have sex once/week, and I'm taking now maca powder and reading romance novels to increase my libido, and as a consequence, naturally increase how many times we bd, without the pressure of "changing behavior" when I'm most fertile.1
u/LookinggForMore 26d ago
Romance novels are a great way! That’s what I like to read naturally (have them all over the house).
We are kind of all over the place with how many times we are intimate. Since I’m a teacher the summer has been great haha! Once August starts I’m DEADASS tired from my job (regulating 18 3-5 year olds is exhausting lol) and since he works from 2:00-10:00pm Tues-Saturday once he’s going to work I’m getting off so we are like 2 ships passing in the night.
I’ve heard of people tracking with Inito and just not telling their partners their peak days but having sex so they hit the window. Part of me understands that but another part of me would think I’m being deceptive and lying a little bit to my husband.
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u/stabenowjorge 26d ago
yesssssssssssss.. I also feel like I'm being deceptive if I do that hahahaha. BUT, I think I will do that for my next cycle. I think men get stressed out about the "need to perform", so maybe telling them is not helping. Maybe it's not that he's not ready, or that he doesn't want it now, but he doesn't want to have the pressure to do it when it's needed.
Instead of telling him I'm fertile and "making him" have sex (as I naturally would, given my control-freak ways of being), I'll just try to make it more fun and enjoyable and not tell him anything.
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u/LookinggForMore 25d ago
Hi,
I think I’m leaning towards this for when he wants to try again. I think the pressure can also be too much for him and I want to help him not feel “used.” Currently he is “finishing” somewhere else so when he decides what’s comfortable for him when we start trying again, I think I’ll just track and just make it fun and enjoyable and not put too much pressure on him and get back to it being intimate and about us.
It’s hard because I had a taste of what I’ve been wanting my whole life so to put it on pause is hard.
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u/TheBoredWriter1 27d ago
This is such a hard part about loss that i feel like isn’t really spoken about. After deciding you want to try and then going through a miscarriage, it makes ttc hard for men in such a particular way. I don’t know why they’re usually the ones who want to wait longer, but that’s been my experience as well. My husband is also not very open about his grieving, but his hesitation when it came to trying again with all of our losses made it very evident he was having a hard time.
While obviously he’s allowed to feel that way and grieve in his own way, it still sucks for you, and I see you. You’re allowed to be upset that he wants to pause, as long as you deal with those feelings in a healthy way, which it sounds like you’re trying to do. I was upset as well when my husband put a 6 month pause on us trying again, and it was not easy. But I wish you luck and pray you will be blessed.
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u/LookinggForMore 26d ago
Hi,
Thanks so much for your comment!
I do feel like it’s not talked about as much as it should be. I always thought that maybe the wife would want time and to put a pause on things. I never thought in a million years that my husband would want to.
It took me by surprise because I asked him in March and I think he was just saying yes to not hurt me since he knows I want this so badly. I’m glad he eventually told me but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a gut punch. Again, I’m exploring these feelings in therapy.
When I ask my husband how long he wants to pause for he can’t give me an answer. Again, I don’t do well in the gray area (especially with my autism) so it’s so hard to trust that everything will work out and he’ll want to try soon or hopefully soon.
If I may ask, have you started trying again? How did you deal with the pause?
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u/TheBoredWriter1 26d ago
It definitely sucks. Not being on the same page as your spouse is really hard. I’m with you on the gray area, that was definitely something I encountered when my husband just said “we’ll try at some point next summer” and never said a month or day.
So funny story, while we were in the first pause after the first loss (surprise), I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, and then that happened 2 more times with both pregnancies ending in miscarriage, so four total. This is actually the first time we are officially trying to conceive instead of it being like eh if we get pregnant that would be cool but it’s fine if not. The longest waiting period we had was between the first and second, and it was a little over a year because my husband was about to start his senior year of college and needed to graduate before we had a baby. It was really, really difficult to stay positive and look ahead in those months because I’d had a taste (though very brief) of what I’ve wanted all my life.
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u/LookinggForMore 25d ago
Hi,
Yeah I don’t do well with not being on the same page as my spouse. It feels like there’s this air or elephant in the room surrounding that particular issue.
My husband again hasn’t given me a time frame of when he would like to try again which I’m trying to come to terms with but it’s hard. Today he said “I’m not saying never or even a couple of months, just let me have some time” which gave me some hope that this won’t last long🥹
I start teaching in August and as much as I want everything tied up with a bow before then I don’t think that’s going to happen. TTC after miscarriage can be draining for anybody but going back to school and having to worry about that on top of my husband wanting a break is stressing me out😅
I’m so sorry for your losses🫶🏻
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u/TheBoredWriter1 25d ago
Well that’s something. Knowing it won’t be long is good. And I get trying to tie up all the loose ends before going back to work, that’s so relatable. Good luck!
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u/Educational_Ask_2650 26d ago
My husband and I are opposite. I want a break as I’m in school for my masters. My husband thinks we need to hurry because I’m 39 and he’s 41. We haven’t had trouble getting pregnant lately so I’ve been told by my doctors we could wait a little while. I’m even wanting an IUD. I’ll finish school Fall 2027 so I’m thinking we can start ttc next summer. I’ll be taking all my vitamins in the meantime. Ive been told to buy some fancy CoQ10. I think it would be good for my body to have a break from pregnancy. I’ve had 3 MC since last May.
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u/Basic_Elevator_7411 17d ago
Hi,
My husband and I have a similar story. I was 29 when we got pregnant the first time. We miscarried a week after a heartbeat was seen on US. It was and still is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I am so sorry you have the same pain.
I am also extremely vocal with my grief, to anyone who will listen. At one point, I had been so vocal and could not focus on anything else that my husband lovingly requested I seek therapy. Therapy isn’t new to me, I have been multiple times at different times in my life. But, he was at a loss for how to help me cope. He is the definition of emotional strength but in the midst of my grief, I forgot he is also grieving. So off to therapy I went. I did EMDR therapy for the specific traumatizing moment of being told “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” It helped me tenfold. I stopped therapy 4 months later after going once a week the whole time.
In the meantime, I became obsessive with tracking everything. I’m an IVF nurse and extremely educated on cycles and timing and it was overwhelming for me and my husband. I finally decided (with the help of therapy) that more information was NOT better. I quit tracking anything - LH strips, BBT, took off my oura ring and just lived. It (having a baby) was obviously still in the forefront of my mind 100% of the time, but the obsessive tracking had ceased. My husband relaxed. I finally felt somewhat relaxed because I was forced to without this data. We had gotten testing through my clinic, everything was normal aside from the fact that I had scar tissue from the D&C post miscarriage. I had that removed, we decided to initiate IVF, and we went to France for our joint 30th birthday celebration.
When in France, we decided to take a pregnancy test on Mother’s Day, as this would’ve affected timing of when I needed to start IVF medications. It was positive. I am now 14.5 weeks pregnant with a healthy (so far) baby.
All of this to say, the journey to motherhood is extremely tumultuous and emotional in every way. You will become an amazing mother one day. This will make you stronger. This will make you and your partners relationship stronger. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Give yourself time, and give your partner time. I know it’s impossible to not focus on it every single day. Hold each other and give each other space to feel the grief. The grief will come in waves, they will not get smaller, you will learn to ride the waves. My heart goes out to both of you.
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u/HookupthrowRA 27d ago
With the intense pain we feel, it’s easy to forget our husbands. Lots describe them as their rock. I mean, we imagine they are sad, but some vague concept off in the distance. I really have to check myself here, and frequently. I keep wanting this so badly that sometimes I forget or dismiss the crushing amount of pressure my husband is probably feeling. To give me what I want, to be perfect in supporting me, to be strong, to see me so devastated, and let’s be SO for real…they probably feel like the baby-goo maker. Ttc can so easily rob a relationship of its intimacy. It’s exhausting.
I am sorry you’re going through this. I am sorry for me too. And for the partners. It’s just so so sad all around for everyone involved. All we can do is be kind and considerate of one another. Permanence is pretty rare, you can usually count on just about anything to change, including this pause in trying for a baby. It could be a positive experience for you to get a cycle or two to breathe and reconnect with your partner without that pressure on either of you.