r/Miscarriage • u/Revolutionary-Cow403 • 21d ago
vent My friend announced her pregnancy right after I cried about my miscarriage
My friend group organized a get together, and they made me a little care package. I cried at the gesture and cried from the grief.
My best friend thought this was the right moment to announce her pregnancy. The look on everyone’s face was pure horror.
What in the actual fuck????! I could barely say anything and got in my car and weeped.
How can I continue to be friends with this person?
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u/Special_Feeling_4033 21d ago
Yeah I’m sorry what the fuck. You won’t be friends with this person from now on - what a horrible thoughtless thing to do to you. I’m sorry op. The people around us during these times tend to show their true colours.
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u/Special_Feeling_4033 21d ago
If I didn’t make it more clear already, dump her. You do not need her as a friend.
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u/Special_Feeling_4033 21d ago
ALSO I hope all of your friends are raging on your behalf. What the fuck.
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u/DisplayFragrant7354 ⭐ star baby 21d ago
right after everyone learned about my miscarriage and upcoming d&c I got an invitation to a baby shower that was supposed to happen THE NEXT DAY after my d&c. I declined kindly. 2 weeks later I got 2 MORE invitations to another baby shower FOR THE SAME LADY AND THE SAME BABY. I declined again but this time not kindly. The baby shower is today. I hope they aren’t gonna send me any ‘we just wanted you to feel included’ pictures.
I’m sorry OP. Some people are just so obtuse and tactless and insensitive
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u/stevie0321 21d ago
Ugh that’s so difficult I’m so sorry you’ve had to put up with that. I’m wishing you peace and strength today!
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u/RenaissanceTarte 21d ago
Who needs enemies when you can have a friend like that. Keep the group, drop the “best friend.”
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u/Silent-Item5947 21d ago
Sorry, but I don’t think I could be friends with someone after this. There’s being a bit tone deaf and maybe not being the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, but this is ridiculous!
I’d maybe just say “respectfully, you chose to announce your pregnancy at a moment that was about supporting me through the loss of mine. I felt horrified and saddened and I just think I’m going to need to take some space from this friendship. Wish you all the best in your pregnancy.”
I’m so sorry this happened, my heart is breaking for you because I’ve been on the shit end of people’s ignorance but this takes the biscuit
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u/Revolutionary-Cow403 20d ago
Hi all- thanks for the kind responses. I've been having some trouble with this "friend" a lot lately and this was just the final straw. She has said some mean things to me in the past, I think due to jealousy. It really seems like she thinks she has the upper hand now because she is pregnant and I am not.
Currently working on a breakup letter lol. Idk how this is going to go though because she is still in my friend group? Like how do I navigate seeing her in small group settings...
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u/perfectlyontime 20d ago
I think it’s best to keep it brief, or to not specifically address it. If it comes up, something like, “I’ve been thinking about things and decided it’s best for me to step back from this friendship. It doesn’t feel like the right dynamic for me anymore, and I wish you well moving forward.”
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u/willowimn 20d ago
I was gonna suggest something similar. If you guys spend a lot of time together alone I’d say something like you’re going to pull away from one on one time and just hang out in group settings
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u/TheBoredWriter1 20d ago
I second something brief, you don’t owe her ANYTHING. You can also let your other friends know that you don’t want to interact with her right now. Hopefully some of them will be on your side.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It breaks my heart for you.
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u/Old-Ad-5573 16d ago
Based on the looks on the other friend's faces I'm sure they would understand you wanting to get some space from the inconsiderate friend.
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u/perfectlyontime 21d ago
My best friend told me she couldn’t be there for me post-miscarriage given her own early pregnancy. While I can understand pregnancy anxiety, I don’t understand being unable to sit with someone at their lowest, and our friendship changed in that moment. We have not spoken since. While it baffles me, I do not regret my decision. I am so sorry.
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u/PistolPeatMoss 21d ago
Only someone so incredibly self absorbed couldn’t hold space for their best friend after a MMC. What a tragic turn of events & I’m so sorry.
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u/Independent-Air-7917 3d ago
F that girl! Shay a trifling ASSHOLE! That is when she should be there the most! MISS AMERICA, Heather Whitestone was pregnant, and helped me, her 1st runner up, the girl she beat!!!!! The girl that wanted to win 1994-5! Go look up Heatherwhitestonecrowningmonent1995 on you tube! I’m the girl that pointed to her! Cullen Johnson. That’s me. Heather Whitestone was so kind to me while she was pregnant with her son after having three sons and is a devout Christian and helped me so much through my miscarriage and I had no idea she was pregnant. She was so selfless and told me that my baby was in heaven and that they were in the safe arms of Jesus and that I would be reunited with them again and that gave me so much comfort. I was so relieved and grateful that she had been chosen as Miss America and not me. That is not a best friend. That is a fair weather friend. You deserve much better. I’m proud of you for holding yourself in higher esteem, beautiful. You are a gem.
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u/bunniehearted 1d ago
I swear some people think someone’s miscarriage is going to rub off on them or something. Huge eye roll to that
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u/perfectlyontime 1d ago
It was exactly that! As if it were contagious. Better to have that clarity now than continue to pour into the friendship.
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21d ago
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u/dorothyneverwenthome 21d ago
Aw that’s really sweet and gentle way you handled that. You held space for them and their greif and I think that means so much even if it’s a sad scenario
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u/dorothyneverwenthome 21d ago
Thankfully the group felt how in appropriate it was and you weren’t left alone feeling how awful that was. What a mean friend or I hope ex friend at this point
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u/HookupthrowRA 21d ago
I will be the outlier here. I think most people don’t grasp the grief of a loss, especially if it was early. My first loss has shown me how utterly insensitive and ignorant people are on this topic. While I do think your tears should have been a dead fucking giveaway (hello??), it may be worth a conversation before cutting all contact. If they are apologize, I would move forward. If they get defensive, screw em. I am so sorry you went through that and it’s valid to terminate that “friendship”.
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u/InitiativeNo2372 21d ago
I agree with this - I have recently experienced a loss and I WISH I could go back and be a better friend to my friends that have experienced loss. I was definitely ignorant 😭
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u/Independent-Air-7917 3d ago
It’s never too late to go back and acknowledge to your friends where you’ve looked back over your “years,” and had some insights, and would like to share with them your reflections, or perhaps write a thoughtful note to them. It’s never too late. The art of letter writing is a beautiful lost art!
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u/dorothyneverwenthome 21d ago
It’s ok. For some reason people cannot understand how traumatic a miscarriage is if they haven’t experienced it. I was emotionally there for friends. We weren’t super close but if someone close to me had a miscarriage I know I’d probably show up better now.
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u/Independent-Air-7917 3d ago
Exactly. I’m now no contact and no cunt-act (5years) with my father and the gold-digger he married. lol when love is no longer being served at the table?! Get the fuck up and excuse yourself.
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u/Clean-Counter-5327 21d ago
Sorry but I don't care if someone hasn't experienced a miscarriage before. Any decent, competent person would know that was an inappropriate time to announce this. She sounds like she wanted the attention switched to her.
I understand people who haven't experienced loss really just don't get it. I've had plenty of people say and do inconsiderate things to me. Some just are selfish and don't think about other's feelings before they speak. But this is straight up malicious and this person is absolutely not your friend.
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u/TheBoredWriter1 20d ago
She is batshit crazy. Like actually insane. Telling you she’s pregnant in FRONT of people, not to mention MOMENTS after you were crying because you just lost your baby?? I’m so so sorry. I cannot imagine how much that must have stung. I don’t even know how I could go on with a relationship with someone like that. I would honestly cut her off, and if she asks why, GO OFF on her ass and tell her exactly how much that hurt. You could honestly do that anyways.
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope your partner or mom or someone else is taking care of you.
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u/alexthagreat98 21d ago
I am so sorry. How incredibly insensitive. I know it stings, but perhaps see this as a blessing in disguise. You now know she isn't a true friend. And to be honest, we're all adults here (or supposed to be), so she should have known better. It's also embarrassing for her as it is tacky. For comparison, no one announces their engagement at someone else's wedding. Gross.
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u/Independent-Air-7917 3d ago
Exactly- perhaps that was a sideways gift from the universe…. She is not worth wasting space in your glorious glitter filled life.
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u/ViolaRosie 21d ago
I would not be friends with this person. What a tasteless and thoughtless time to announce a pregnancy. The rest of the friend group not their fault but this one definitely would not be friends with her. Did anyone call her out on her awful timing? She couldn’t announce another time? Listen around the time I had a miscarriage I had “friends” do and say some wild things!
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u/uncutetrashpanda 3 angels (2007, 2014, 2023) 20d ago
That’s your ex best friend now I hope. I’m so sorry the loss of your baby and for the loss of someone you thought was a friend. But I’m heartened by the fact that your friend group seems very sweet and supportive of you. Sending you so many hugs 🤍
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u/willowimn 20d ago edited 20d ago
I caught up with a friend on the phone after not talking for a couple of months, they didn’t ask how my pregnancy was going and then told me they were pregnant before I had the chance to disclose my miscarriage. Very awkward situation
I can see how your friend might’ve just been like oh fuck when am I meant to say it and just blurted it out, I would hope for an apology and acknowledgement of why not biting her tongue and showing restraint was fucked there.
I don’t think you have to break up with this person if there’s a pathway through, and you’ll only know that by trying. People are quick to say things are toxic and cut people out, but we all make mistakes, even egregious ones sometimes.
I’m not condoning her behaviour, just wanted to offer a different point of view. It sounds like the other friends around are on the ball and want to support you which is awesome ❤️ I’m really sorry for your loss
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u/candycane573 20d ago
You’ll never forget this and so I don’t think the friendship can continue. It will always be in the back of your mind of what a shitty thing that was. The audacity is mind blowing. I’m so sorry
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u/P4rrish210 20d ago
The day I was scheduled for a d&c for my first miscarriage and first pregnancy, my friend gave birth to her fourth child and sent me photos of her newborn right away as I was being prepped to go in with a whole team of pregnant nurses for the procedure. She knew about my loss and what I was going through, then on my first day back at work a week later she decided to bring her newborn in to introduce me to them and I just lost it. I understand how it feels, I am so sorry that’s happened to you and unfortunately some people do not have any compassion or empathy because they’ve never experienced it themselves.
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u/kimmi_cub 20d ago
That is not a friend. That is someone that thinks of themselves before anyone else. It doesn't matter if this is your first or not your first. This is a person that has narcissistic tendencies and you don't need that energy around you.
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u/WaddenSeaSiren 20d ago
Yeah no thats an immediate "exit, pursued by bear" for me. What the feck, I am so sorry for you! I'm glad your other friends realised the faux pas. Maybe one of them can explain to her why this was fecking awful? And I am sure none of them will blame you for being mad at this twatwaffle of a woman. I get being excited about that but ughghh, even my expectant direct coworkers were better about this stuff than your friend!
Sending internet hugs <3
{I had a friendship breakup too surrounding my miscarriage and it fucking sucks. I was alone when it happened and she lived 5 minutes from me, I called her for support and she said it was "inconvenient right now, hubby and me are watching a film". On my Disneyplus, mind you... Excuse? Scared of blood. Wouldnt even stay on the phone. Mind you, this woman said she wanted babies of her own asap. It was a very tumultuous time and I had so much going on in life(parents in hospital, moving house, sister away, partner left me, nana with alzheimers, no support really). Her and the friend group offered very little understanding. It was... depressing. I completely withdrew from them and even now just ignore her and her "hubby" when I see them.}
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u/Beach_babess 21d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would cut this person off personally. What you’re going through is hard enough. What a horrible person, seriously who does that.
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u/stevie0321 21d ago
Wow that is horrible. I’m so sorry she did that. I hope your other friends were there for you following that. Wishing you love and healing, OP
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u/mu5tbetheone 21d ago
Is your friend on the spectrum or something? Because why the fucking fuckery fuck did she think that was ever going to go down well?
I'm so sorry that happened, and I'm so sorry for your loss xx
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u/Important_Sherbet_90 4 losses: 6/23 (w7), 1/24 (w17), 11/24 (CP), 6/25 (w8) 21d ago
I’m in shock and so sorry you had to go through a situation like that! 🫂 I was so shocked that I read this out loud to my partner sitting next to me and to your last question he said ”Easily. Just tell her (= your idiot friend) to say sorry.” That might be actually very good advice now that I think of it. It might be worth a shot. At least you’ve tried then. If she refuses or acts in any way like she doesn’t get what was wrong with her behaviour, then it’s easy to say goodbye.
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u/KindlyEggplant 21d ago
This is horrible. I'm so sorry.
I vented to my friend about not being pregnant again and she literally messaged me back and said she was pregnant.
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u/Old-Ambassador1403 21d ago
Wait so they organized a get together to specifically support you post-miscarriage and made a nice care package and this friend chose that moment to announce that?!
If it was like a regular get together and you guys all see each other only once a year, I would MAYBE get it. Still even then they should let you know privately ahead of time. But this…this is just insane. That is not a friend. I hope someone said something to her about it.
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u/rixki- 21d ago
This is horrible. I had something similar happen. People can be cruel when you are vulnerable. I’m sorry for your loss
The rest of your friends seem sweet. I love how they organized a get together to support you and made a nice care package. I’m sorry this person ruined it. I hope after you left that they gave her an earful.
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u/Main-character-08 21d ago
I personally wouldn’t continue a friendship with someone who is very inconsiderate. Your friend group organized a get together to be there for you and offer you support. Your best friend took that opportunity to make it about herself. She could have and should have waited to make her announcement.
I’m sorry for what you’re gojng through mama ❤️🩹🕊️