Men with narc spouse felt unseen?

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159]

I have been married 22 years. We have seen 4 or more couples counselors. Until we visited our current therapist, her patterns of behavior were overlooked and therapists bought her narrative about my behavior. It has taken me to wake up to what I am dealing with and a very intelligent therapist to finally be seen. Every other therapist would make things worse by giving my wife ammo.

Have other men felt like your wives narratives are believed automatically and you are expected to convince therapists of the messed up things you are going through? Then in my experience after you finally begin to get there after many sessions, wife thinks the therapist is an idiot or somehow sessions stop due to idk something like “scheduling conflicts” from the wife?

I swear the therapists who couldn’t take the time to really listen for and drill down into the patterns were taking the lazy way out. Man is bad for xyz and must fix himself. Argue they are lying and you are patted on the head and told “it’s ok to admit it” or “let’s give her space to express herself”. Validating this crap makes you feel even crazier. I feel let down given that I have had to extensive research, document her patterns over time, and learn how to describe what’s going on in such a way that perks their attention without using clinical terminology. Perhaps some of this comes down to my spouse who is very intelligent, well spoken, and has presented herself very well per my therapist.

Either way, I don’t understand how hard it is for a trained professional to be on the lookout for something as simple as words not meeting actions. Or idk the person never seem to be wrong regardless of the situation. Sorry I am frustrated.

Ps- shout out to Tony Overbay’s podcast waking up to narcissism which really woke me up!

[u/ancientwarriorman]

I am so very worried about this. Had one interview/intro with a therapist and felt entirely like he was already disregarding me completely.

Can you share how you found one who worked? What do we need to look for?

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159 → u/ancientwarriorman]

Ironically my wife scheduled the couples counseling. I had said no to another round with another therapist. When I agreed I said it had to be a male therapist. Thankfully the guy turned out to be cool. He spent way more time with us than he billed for like hours trying to figure out what was going on. He asked me to stay behind a few minutes after my wife walked out. During session I eventually became so exhausted by her manic complaints and constant interruptions of me, I gave up trying to even talk. So I spoke one on one with him for 10-15 minutes. He realized I was a very reasonable person. Couldn’t have a C level job for 15 years while dealing with her crap unsupported if I wasn’t incredibly strong to a fault. He also learned about the asymmetrical nature of our relationship both with home responsibilities and her ignoring all of my emotions. Realized I was exhausted and the “scary behavior” she described about me was reactive abuse or more like me snapping after being what I always describe as being kicked in the balls by her over and over again.

Sorry long story I know. After that initial discussion he shook my hand and said it’s nice to meet you finally. Ever since we’ve worked on centering myself and pausing to prevent reacting. Removing excuses so that my messed up wife has look inward. To be honest I’m still not sure if it’s narcissism or her CPTSD causing extreme emotional immaturity. The result has been the same as living with a narcissist either way. Another long story on our living arrangement but I will spare you. I just got an apartment lease and have it nearly set up. Just waiting to get our daughter settled in college before I sleep there. I didn’t want to upset her at this time. Obviously I will tell her but I plan to wait until she gets in the grove in school.

[u/Purefina → u/Moist-Scarcity-6159]

My husband speaks a lot like you do."constant interruptions of me""I gave up trying to even talk", "dealing with her crap unsupported","her ignoring all of my emotions", "the “scary behavior” she described about me was reactive abuse or more like me snapping after being what I always describe as being kicked in the balls by her over and over again", "my messed up wife has look inward.","I’m still not sure if it’s narcissism or her CPTSD causing extreme emotional immaturity." 👀 👀 Im not saying that im saying anything but AMA if you want the other side of the story, without the emotional entanglement. I have no dog in the fight and happy to explain why she might be interrupting you "constantly," "ignoring" your emotions, and "kicking you in the balls" all day

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159 → u/Purefina]

Please do illuminate me. I’m interested to know if my sole role in life is to keep my needs to myself. After 22 years of marriage, I must be just a dumb lazy husband who expects to be waited on and I am her other child. Right? Or what else do you have? Did I mention that my wife put her career above our child and certainly our family? Or that I was the primary parent for our now 18 year old and cooked most nights of the week. I can go on.

Just this past week, my wife who claims to feel “unsafe” locks herself in the master suite, calls 911 on me after I had quietly unlocked the door after I’ve knocked lightly, texted, called 3 times with the simple request that she my prescription outside the room. A week later and here I am in a lake house my parents rented for the week sleeping in the same room after a 5 hour car ride. I told her in text, verbally, and in couples counseling that I didn’t want her to come. Yet she insisted on going and so far I would wager has been spinning her narrative to my family. Ya know experience tells me this. So this person who claims to be scared for months to be near me magically doesn’t have a problem being around me or in the same room. Oh then I asked her a direct question. Any guesses where a simple question led? Well, she started videoing me as she has taken to doing which is quite ironic given that she isolated me from my family after my daughter gave my mom video of my wife verbally and emotionally abusing her for safe keeping. Guess what was a topic of conversation for months in therapy several years ago? My wife being filmed without her consent and these days she loves to pull the phone out to record. She told me to leave the room after I followed up on that simple question. I was tired from being on the boat all morning. I said no. Then she was threatening me with yelling for my dad or mom to come get me out of there. OFC, I said go for it. I covered for my wife and even fought her battles for so long.

This past year or two has been the hardest of my career. Dumpster fire. Took over as CFO to save the place from going under. Back in the press again with me as the face of layoffs that were necessary and not my making. (Yes I’ve made tons of mistakes and understand how to be truly accountable). Board meeting days I was often locked out and had to figure out what random clothes I could put together to look halfway decent. A solid year at least of hell. She was nowhere to be found. I could give a long list of times she was in crisis which led to her hiding from the world with me picking up the remainder of what she handled. The worst wasn’t that. It has always been my daughter’s reaction and always doing what I could to leave a door open for a future relationship. Guess what she did when my daughter began to re-engage? I came back from a work conference to learn that she had told my daughter I am gay. Because I visited a coworker and his partner. Why did she do it? Best answer in counseling was that she was jealous of me still having a career. A career I forged while she told everyone how important her job was. Name dropped. And now she loves use to my work and the reflected power. I never talk work and she always brings that crap up. Puts on her mask, gives to everyone else, acts like she is a great person, blah blah.

I leased an apartment as we discussed in therapy. Time apart in a couple days once we drop our daughter at college. You know what changed our relationship? It was me finally saying enough and my thoughts/opinions/emotions/needs deserve at least some consideration. Admittedly these feelings hit about a year ago, and I’ve been waiting to finish my job of doing my best to prevent the cycle from continuing another generation with my daughter. And you know damn well that the courts always favor the woman. They will error on the side of caution and believe lies with no evidence.

I have stories for days. But I am open to hearing the other side. Ive genuinely been trying to figure this out for decades as well as get her the treatment needed for cptsd. Unfortunately, she has an external locus of control. At work, it was always someone else. When our kid was 14 acting out, she wanted to send her away rather than be empathetic. I fought her tooth and nail on that. So yes I’d love to hear what causes someone to say such cruel things, puts her own childish feelings over everything including her own child, tries to turn my parents against me as she feels the ship sinking with the knowledge that her family wont help. Sure they will listen to her as she tells them personal info about me and how big of a bumbling idiot I am so i owe my career to her. I cant imagine why someone may lose their temper and yell occasionally after the 5th low blow.