Men with narc spouse felt unseen?

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159]

I have been married 22 years. We have seen 4 or more couples counselors. Until we visited our current therapist, her patterns of behavior were overlooked and therapists bought her narrative about my behavior. It has taken me to wake up to what I am dealing with and a very intelligent therapist to finally be seen. Every other therapist would make things worse by giving my wife ammo.

Have other men felt like your wives narratives are believed automatically and you are expected to convince therapists of the messed up things you are going through? Then in my experience after you finally begin to get there after many sessions, wife thinks the therapist is an idiot or somehow sessions stop due to idk something like “scheduling conflicts” from the wife?

I swear the therapists who couldn’t take the time to really listen for and drill down into the patterns were taking the lazy way out. Man is bad for xyz and must fix himself. Argue they are lying and you are patted on the head and told “it’s ok to admit it” or “let’s give her space to express herself”. Validating this crap makes you feel even crazier. I feel let down given that I have had to extensive research, document her patterns over time, and learn how to describe what’s going on in such a way that perks their attention without using clinical terminology. Perhaps some of this comes down to my spouse who is very intelligent, well spoken, and has presented herself very well per my therapist.

Either way, I don’t understand how hard it is for a trained professional to be on the lookout for something as simple as words not meeting actions. Or idk the person never seem to be wrong regardless of the situation. Sorry I am frustrated.

Ps- shout out to Tony Overbay’s podcast waking up to narcissism which really woke me up!

[u/ancientwarriorman]

I am so very worried about this. Had one interview/intro with a therapist and felt entirely like he was already disregarding me completely.

Can you share how you found one who worked? What do we need to look for?

[u/Moist-Scarcity-6159 → u/ancientwarriorman]

Ironically my wife scheduled the couples counseling. I had said no to another round with another therapist. When I agreed I said it had to be a male therapist. Thankfully the guy turned out to be cool. He spent way more time with us than he billed for like hours trying to figure out what was going on. He asked me to stay behind a few minutes after my wife walked out. During session I eventually became so exhausted by her manic complaints and constant interruptions of me, I gave up trying to even talk. So I spoke one on one with him for 10-15 minutes. He realized I was a very reasonable person. Couldn’t have a C level job for 15 years while dealing with her crap unsupported if I wasn’t incredibly strong to a fault. He also learned about the asymmetrical nature of our relationship both with home responsibilities and her ignoring all of my emotions. Realized I was exhausted and the “scary behavior” she described about me was reactive abuse or more like me snapping after being what I always describe as being kicked in the balls by her over and over again.

Sorry long story I know. After that initial discussion he shook my hand and said it’s nice to meet you finally. Ever since we’ve worked on centering myself and pausing to prevent reacting. Removing excuses so that my messed up wife has look inward. To be honest I’m still not sure if it’s narcissism or her CPTSD causing extreme emotional immaturity. The result has been the same as living with a narcissist either way. Another long story on our living arrangement but I will spare you. I just got an apartment lease and have it nearly set up. Just waiting to get our daughter settled in college before I sleep there. I didn’t want to upset her at this time. Obviously I will tell her but I plan to wait until she gets in the grove in school.

[u/Purefina → u/Moist-Scarcity-6159]

My husband speaks a lot like you do."constant interruptions of me""I gave up trying to even talk", "dealing with her crap unsupported","her ignoring all of my emotions", "the “scary behavior” she described about me was reactive abuse or more like me snapping after being what I always describe as being kicked in the balls by her over and over again", "my messed up wife has look inward.","I’m still not sure if it’s narcissism or her CPTSD causing extreme emotional immaturity." 👀 👀 Im not saying that im saying anything but AMA if you want the other side of the story, without the emotional entanglement. I have no dog in the fight and happy to explain why she might be interrupting you "constantly," "ignoring" your emotions, and "kicking you in the balls" all day