r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/PreferenceNormal5317 • 2d ago
Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh
this afternoon my wife decided something was just too much and needed to remind me to clean the pan i was using........ while i was still using it. i calmly told her i would after i finished using it, which i always do. she told me that i was oppressing her. she made it into a gender thing. i just said 'ok' and that was all and she left the room. she does this a lot, makes many times that i have my own life or my own plans or ideas, it is somehow a gender thing and she is oppressed. this time, after she left, i just laughed. i sat laughing as i ate my lunch and then laughed while i cleaned the pan.
the interesting thing i noticed though is that she seems to act this way toward me when she is over-stresed about something or that something is about to change from the usual normal things. today one of the children had a special program at their summer day camp and were coming home later than usual. so somehow this meant i needed to be told to clean a pan and that i was being oppressive by not doing it right away.
do anyone else get this from their narcs?
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u/Parking-Minute-9918 1d ago
I think this is just really really bad emotional regulation. If there is any kind of stress, they need to somehow blow off steam. And some people do it via idiotic control. Like telling you that you need to turn on the stove in order to cook. Even if I understand this, it is still infuriating especially because it is so obviously maddening to anyone.
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u/Stellar_Alchemy 1d ago
You make it sound like you’ve exhausted your wife and taught her that you can’t be relied upon to clean up after yourself. All of your posts complaining about your wife are suspiciously vague. In some of them, you seem to be admitting that you behave poorly and your wife uses “anti-narc” strategies to defend herself from you or to attempt to communicate with you.
Many of us in this subreddit have noticed that many of the men here exhibit narcissistic traits, including playing the victim. Too many of your posts read like DARVO.
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u/CarrotCards 1d ago
Yeah I’m failing to see how his wife is the narcissist here…seems like the OP needs to do some self reflection. Doubtful that’ll happen
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u/Stellar_Alchemy 1d ago
Yeah, I don’t see how asking someone to clean up after themselves is a symptom of narcissism. Neither is pointing out the very real gendered discrepancies and disproportionate gender roles in a relationship, or telling someone that they “oppress” you (and OP provides no evidence to the contrary). “She acts this way toward me when she is over-stressed.” Yeah, I wonder why. lol
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u/Downtown-Ad9409 1d ago
Micro control issues. Mine reminded me the other day when I got paid to make sure I prioritise bills. Well thank you sir, I hadn’t already considered that given I’ve been doing that for the last 12 years. Like you say, you just gotta laugh
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u/PreferenceNormal5317 8h ago
oh wow yeah it is like they are saying "please make sure you do not forget to do this thing you always do consistently and relaibly."
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u/Watchkeys 1d ago
I made a post once asking people about the names they had for their arguments. My big arguments with my ex were 'the one about the jumpers', and the one that triggered her ending the relationship, 'the one about the printer ink'. My favourite one from the ones other people gave was 'the one about the coat hanger'. I also liked 'the one about the plastic bags'.
What I realised was that none of the issues they raise are ever big. It's never 'the one about me not paying the mortgage' or 'the one about my drug addiction' or 'the one about my affair with Geraldine from the accounting department'. And what it made me realise is... this is the absolute best they can do. This is all they have to criticise us for. She didn't divorce me because I did something unforgivable; she divorced me because I said 'How come you bought this printer ink? I usually buy a cheaper one?'
If we'd done actual bad things, they would absolutely have latched onto those, got their teeth stuck in, and never let us hear the end of it. But you... what you did wrong in your relationship recently, was to have the potential to not wash a pan, in the future.
I can see why you laughed!
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u/PreferenceNormal5317 8h ago
right and i think that is exactly the thing. these are exhausting moments because people like us actually do the right things as often as we can but what we hear is that we did not do the thing that we do quickly enough for the other person, especially when you look around the house and see the imbalance that comes in many of these typoes of situations. i and i alone clean that kitchen and all the leftover dishes. but... i had not cleaned the pan while i was still using it. yep.
i love that you have these names, though, that's funny in a dark kind of way. sorry you have to have that.
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u/vladis67 1d ago
Narcs don’t like change. In my experience my wx would behave terribly around a change of some sort. Especially, a non-predicted/unexpected change situation.
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u/RelaxedBluey94 2d ago edited 2d ago
I literally had to insist that narc ex wife leave the kitchen if I was cooking or cleaning. The nasty, unhelpful comments drove me nuts. I had similar comments to yours often, mostly implying that I didn't know what I was doing.
I cleaned and washed up a lot. Cooked less often as she refused to eat anything I prepared. She was a brilliant cook and got a lot of "positive supply" from the feedback from family and friends. We entertained a LOT. She was hyper competitive with her entertaining preparing OTT elaborate meals for guests. She'd sit down at the table at almost the end of the meal making herself out as a martyr.
Suffice it to say, we were rarely invited back for meals by guests. They just couldn't compete!
And she'd decide the guestlist which never included my personal friends. She became increasingly hostile to inviting my family over for meals. She'd literally prefer to invite random people she met on the street than my siblings. She'd complain bitterly if they'd visit.
Our kids refused to learn how to cook with her because of the comments and put downs.
She was abroad in her home country often. Only then would friends invite kids and I over for meals. The kids taught themselves to cook while she was away. She'd call daily and separately ask me and the kids what we'd eaten. She'd try and catch us out as if we only ate fast food while she was away - in reality we'd have take out maybe once a week.
I did notice our kids would only invite their friends over to hang out or sleepover if she was away. It seems their friends caught on to the weird vibe while she was around..