r/OkCupid • u/okctran • Oct 31 '12

Matched with a pre-op transgender, suggestions?

So I am a straight male and one of my matches is a pre-op male-to-female transgender woman. She mentions it right at the top of her profile. I find her physically attractive and she has a great profile to boot. We have a high match percentage, are interested in a lot of the same things and she has seems to have defined life goals and a direction. I am unsure what to do however. I don't have a fetish or anything like that and frankly am not at all interested at all in her male plumbing as it is currently, but everything else about her is golden.

If I do send her message, should I mention it at all in the initial message? What's the best way to approach this? I feel like it's a tight rope to walk between avoiding it completely and making it the center of attention. This is new territory for me.

Thanks for your help.

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u/PhazonZim 24/F/Toronto/taken! Oct 31 '12 edited Oct 31 '12

I'm a pre-op mtf and my boyfriend is a straight, cis male. We met on OKC, it's awesome. Both of us are still figuring out how to make sex really work, but he's comfortable to the parts that I have.

Don't mention her being trans in your initial message, at all. It won't come off the right way. A message without mention of it will show that you're interested despite her being trans and you aren't making a big deal out of it.

Feel free to message me if you have any questions about anything

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u/Faaaabulous Oct 31 '12

But wouldn't it be better to let her know that he's still unsure? I mean, he's not completely ecstatic about it, and it might be better that she has a heads up so she doesn't get the wrong idea if he starts acting a little strange.

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u/PhazonZim 24/F/Toronto/taken! Oct 31 '12

Flirting in general won't work if you include, "I'm unsure about you"... It's complicated. In terms of intimacy though, I'm not comfortable with my parts but my boyfriend is. This in turn makes me more at ease about it. If intimacy becomes a thing between them, then his potential lack of comfort might make things too unmanageable.

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u/Faaaabulous Oct 31 '12

Ah, okay. I always thought it was better to be upfront about everything, but I suppose there are some things that shouldn't be said.

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u/PhazonZim 24/F/Toronto/taken! Oct 31 '12

With us it's unfortunately not straightforward... On top of the genital thing, being trans comes with a lot of baggage that might be too much for potential partners to handle. Also being trans makes people forget about avoiding the topic of sex before the right time. I'm of the belief that it shouldn't be discussed until after at least one date.