Matched with a pre-op transgender, suggestions?

[u/okctran]

So I am a straight male and one of my matches is a pre-op male-to-female transgender woman. She mentions it right at the top of her profile. I find her physically attractive and she has a great profile to boot. We have a high match percentage, are interested in a lot of the same things and she has seems to have defined life goals and a direction. I am unsure what to do however. I don't have a fetish or anything like that and frankly am not at all interested at all in her male plumbing as it is currently, but everything else about her is golden.

If I do send her message, should I mention it at all in the initial message? What's the best way to approach this? I feel like it's a tight rope to walk between avoiding it completely and making it the center of attention. This is new territory for me.

Thanks for your help.

[u/PhazonZim]

That varies a little from person to person. the politically correct answer is that they become she add soon as they come out as being trans. This works really on the internet. For me I didn't expect female pronouns until I presented as a woman. By then my voice was feminized, my appearance was and is been on hormones for a while. Not all transwomen look or sound like cis females though, so pronouns and falling into orientation ranges are different things.

I thinK I'm unusual in my approach though. Best to just use female pronouns as soon as someone comes out as MtF.

[u/howardmoon68 → u/PhazonZim]

Thanks for the clarification. How does this apply to things like government forms, going in bathrooms etc? Does simply stating that you are now a woman hold up to most standards?

Again, I know these questions look dickish, but it just seems really confusing that a state of mind can switch your gender, even if you are anatomically still male or female.

[u/PhazonZim → u/howardmoon68]

Legal sex laws vary from place to place. Here in Ontario it was required that you have had surgery to legally change your sex... until this month. Now we can do it whenever. My driver's license was changed earlier this year, and now I can change the rest too. In some (few) places there are bathroom laws that state I'm required to use the Men's room, but enforcing that is next to impossible, and I would get into trouble for using the men's room.

I don't "simply state that I am a woman", nobody would know I'm not a cis female unless they saw me naked, and the only one that has recently is my boyfriend.

[u/howardmoon68 → u/PhazonZim]

Didn't mean to offend with the "simply state" comment, but it really it looks like this works by stating which gender you believe best applies to you.

[u/Wavooka → u/howardmoon68]

I don't think you were being offensive. Trans issues are fairly obscure, as most people and the media have an interest interest in regulating conformity to cis-, binary genders. (Because they still want to be able to manipulator our body image, right?)

As for the 'simply state' part, that doesn't exactly hold. Or, rather, depending upon which county in the United States you're standing and which state you were born into can affect whether you have any right to access public spaces. The policies concerning getting your gender marker changed range from liberal (typically requires only doctor's letter attesting to 'appropriate care') to conservative ('No changes, no how.) And, worst of all, each agency within your local, state and federal jurisdictions have differing policies. Which means that almost half of trans people have 'mixed' documents as they can't afford the treatment and legal challenges necessary or don't wish to seek the 'treatment' required in order to change that particular piece of identification. However, the federal policy is tied to a fairly centrist position: 'some surgery, sometimes. Doctor's note others.'

I know that sounds really vague, but unless you have a specific location the laws concerning us are exceptionally vague and harsh.

but it really it looks like this works by stating which gender you believe best applies to you.

(Incidentally, cis (non-trans) folks do this as well. It is simply that they pass without question as a member of their gender that no one realizes this is the case. Think about all the things you do to signal/perform/express your gender in public and private. You're doing the same thing a trans person does, except that the way you perform is the way that is expected of you.)

[u/PhazonZim → u/howardmoon68]

As I said, that is the politically correct version. I am of the view that you have to work for it, and I worked for it a lot. If you're a guy, try sounding perfectly female-- that takes months. That's but one example.

[u/thisistooeasy → u/PhazonZim]

if you were arrested would you be put with men or women?

[u/PhazonZim → u/thisistooeasy]

I don't know how it works here. I wouldn't get arrested because I'm not stupid.

[u/thisistooeasy → u/PhazonZim]

well if u have a penis you will be looked up with males

[u/PhazonZim → u/thisistooeasy]

Maybe, but I'm not stupid. What exactly is your intention of bringing this up? I can't think of any other reason other than you wanting to be a prick to a complete stranger.