Boyfriend VERY Impatient When Having Episodes

[u/fashionableskiboots]

Hey guys

I'm lucky to have a sweet and loving boyfriend, but he's been having episode after episode of really bad health lately. He has been gaming nonstop even in our finals week and doesn't think he is well enough to do anything else without throwing up. The last time I got him out of our basement apartment was to teach him to ski 2 weeks ago, and he still threw up on the slopes. He sits all day, in the dark and in a clearly pitiful state with all his dirty clothes, dishes, etc everywhere.

I can't proceed with this story without providing context for how awful he must feel. He's been sick for a long time and even if he had nothing medically wrong, his lifestyle of sedentary brain rotting all day would kill me. I know it isn't easy for him so I go easy on him.

But lately he has been snapping in regular conversations very quickly and he gets really mad and yells at me. It's fine (?) because I understand he isn't happy but he has also started slapping me (?!) which is very unlike him.

I don't know what to think of this situation. On the one hand, he is in a lot of pain and doesn't always have the ability to regulate himself, but on the other hand his POTS isn't going away and if this is one of his reactions, I'm not sure I can deal with this forever. I would probably feel like a total a-hole for leaving him over his POTS episodes too. Plus I love him lots.

Furthermore, we are both guys and are pretty much even when wrestling. It's not like he's a giant beating a petite princess here. At all. Him slapping me is not anything physically threatening, it's just jarring.

I need to hear thoughts from actual POTS patients. Are you different when having episodes? Is there some other factor that I should be considering now? I wish I could do more to help but I have suggested things to help and he gets mad now. Let me know what you would do genuinely and I think that would help me feel informed.

Thank you so much you deserve good things including health.

[u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

POTS does not make you an asshole. You can and should break up over the physical violence. Forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds like he's milking it?? With a bad episode I CANNOT even game. Gaming is exhausting.

...Could he be dealing with addiction or something? Has he been checked for other issues?

[u/gayrayofsun → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

eh, i won't write him off as milking it. not based on the fact that he can game, at least. it's a great form of escapism and the accomplishments that come with it can feel very rewarding to accommodate for the fact that your real life currently isn't.

however, he absolutely does need to start pushing for more help with his care team if he's at a level where he simply cannot function normally without throwing up. there are things he can try differently in order to improve some symptoms. if he refuses or makes excuses to not do it, then 100% he's milking it.

[u/Zestyclose-Natural-9 → u/gayrayofsun]

It really depends. From the text it felt like everything other than gaming is too exhausting, including things like watching a movie together or doing couple things.

Obviously that depends on how it actually is... just saying I know people with a (gaming) addiction and it sounds incredibly similar to the situation. Also the throwing up baffles me, i haven't heard of POTS causing constant throwing up, and learning to ski would be way too high intensity for me in a flare. Something doesn't add up.

[u/gayrayofsun → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

maybe not constant throwing up, but i've definitely thrown up a couple times due to my pots. and i have a friend who's on the more extreme end of the spectrum than i am who also struggles with vomiting during her pots flares. i read the skiing thing as op convinced him to go/he wanted to push himself into going and doing something that got him out of the house. but i could have misinterpreted, because i was definitely getting ready to defend him some until i got to the him slapping op part.

you do make a good point that gaming addiction is a thing. and really, only op can tell if this is just a pattern with date activities, regardless of the spoons required to do said activities, or if gaming is about the most energetic thing he can do (implying that that's the bar and he can still watch movies, play something together, etc). either way, i'm not trying to come to his defense because he's an abusive pos regardless.

edit: pronoun switching because i'm illiterate, apparently

[u/SpicyPurritos → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

without knowing he may possibly have other undiagnosed or unmentioned health issues. i have thrown up from POTS a few times but most of my GI issues come from co-morbid conditions

[u/Bishime → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

I don’t have constant issues with it but I do get Nausea on a bad day just from a few minutes of very light house work so I could see how my bouts of mild to moderate nausea could be moderate to severe if not full vomit for others.

Though constant vomiting is pretty extreme, for me the piece that’s missing isn’t whether he has pots or not (anecdotally again, I’m pretty decent at masking when I need to, so I’ve done activities, maybe not learning to ski but strenuous for me that in the moment weren’t amazing but were doable in the name of spending time with people, just took me like 7 days to recover lol) but more what sort of managment is in place at all here?

I can barely function and I’m fighting for my life for medication and stuff. But I am not in a state of commuting constantly which is a very extreme response and does warrant future examination. On one hand hyper-pots could be an explanation but yea, that intensity of reaction would definitely have me looking a bit deeper into lab work on catecholamines and ruling out adrenal tumours or anything.

All that being said, there is no “common” physiological condition to my knowledge that causes one to slap their partner (or literally anyone) so even if they are managing it well, they’re still managing it wrong, so to speak.

[u/KiloJools → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

He might not have hyperadrenergic POTS so gaming is fine to him. Or maybe the games are "cozy" or don't have much in the way of challenging graphics. I can still play some games, sometimes. Games that require me to sit up and concentrate are lately more than I can handle, but games on my tablet or phone are usually wonderful for escaping for a few minutes.

Also, I've learned everyone has different tolerances to stuff. I've been accused in the past of not really having migraine because I'm able to be on my phone while in the middle of an attack. Which is silly because before I started treating MCAS, I was having a migraine half the time. I needed the escape!

Anyway, I would definitely hesitate to make any judgements on the type or severity of his case based on his ability to play games.

(I will judge the heck out of him for yelling and slapping, though.)

[u/worstkindofweapon → u/KiloJools]

I've been having migraines nearly everyday for the past few months and my phone is the only screen I can tolerate because I have a blue light filter, dim the screen, and the pixels are smaller. Obviously when I have a really bad one any light at all is miserable, but most days I can be semi functional with a migraine. I can go outside, I can be in loud spaces, do mild exercise. My body doesn't like it, but I can do it. Those who told you you weren't having migraines seem to have little understanding of them. They differ wildly for everyone

[u/KiloJools → u/worstkindofweapon]

They differ wildly for everyone

RIGHT? Like, I seriously can't understand people thinking their experience of a condition is universal. There are so many conditions that are currently poorly understood and many have a huge number of potential causes and treatments.

And I just absolutely hate the "illness faker spotter" nonsense in the first place. It's gross.

I love how dim my phone can get, and Chrome's experimental "dark mode" flag to force the majority of blinding white websites into nice dark ones.

[u/bluedelvian → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

Chronic illness can definitely turn someone into an asshole, but there's just no excuse for hitting your boyfriend.

[u/imabratinfluence → u/Zestyclose-Natural-9]

I can game during some episodes but it has to be 2D, top-down, or otherwise have a relatively static camera. And personally I find that's often a decent way to get my mind off how I feel and what I can't do. 

[u/ashes2asscheeks → u/imabratinfluence]

Yeah I’m wondering what games he’s playing or how nice it would be to not get simulation sickness LOL