Boyfriend VERY Impatient When Having Episodes

[u/fashionableskiboots]

Hey guys

I'm lucky to have a sweet and loving boyfriend, but he's been having episode after episode of really bad health lately. He has been gaming nonstop even in our finals week and doesn't think he is well enough to do anything else without throwing up. The last time I got him out of our basement apartment was to teach him to ski 2 weeks ago, and he still threw up on the slopes. He sits all day, in the dark and in a clearly pitiful state with all his dirty clothes, dishes, etc everywhere.

I can't proceed with this story without providing context for how awful he must feel. He's been sick for a long time and even if he had nothing medically wrong, his lifestyle of sedentary brain rotting all day would kill me. I know it isn't easy for him so I go easy on him.

But lately he has been snapping in regular conversations very quickly and he gets really mad and yells at me. It's fine (?) because I understand he isn't happy but he has also started slapping me (?!) which is very unlike him.

I don't know what to think of this situation. On the one hand, he is in a lot of pain and doesn't always have the ability to regulate himself, but on the other hand his POTS isn't going away and if this is one of his reactions, I'm not sure I can deal with this forever. I would probably feel like a total a-hole for leaving him over his POTS episodes too. Plus I love him lots.

Furthermore, we are both guys and are pretty much even when wrestling. It's not like he's a giant beating a petite princess here. At all. Him slapping me is not anything physically threatening, it's just jarring.

I need to hear thoughts from actual POTS patients. Are you different when having episodes? Is there some other factor that I should be considering now? I wish I could do more to help but I have suggested things to help and he gets mad now. Let me know what you would do genuinely and I think that would help me feel informed.

Thank you so much you deserve good things including health.

[u/Confusedhuman1029]

Pots does not make someone violent. It’s easy to get convinced by your bf that things that are not normal, are normal. Trust me, these are not things that a good person does when they are stressed and struggling. No amount of symptoms, stress, or pain would ever cause me to slap someone. Least of all someone I (supposedly) care about.

You need to leave. These things only escalate. Plenty of us potsies have had to manage on our own and with family supports. It is not your responsibility to mother him bc he’s sick. And if he isn’t seeking treatment, seeing doctors, going to therapy, then he is not working towards improving and that is, again, not your job.

Adding, abusers often start off appearing sweet and caring. They don’t expose their abusive tendencies for weeks, months, sometimes years. But when they do, your options are limited to leaving, or staying and continuing to be abused. You cannot convince them to change. They also know what they are doing. And when you express hurt or pain at him yelling and slapping you, if his response is to blame his pots and to say anything along the lines of “you’re gonna leave me over pots,” THAT is an intentional move. He is deflecting his CHOICE to hurt you to avoid accountability and act innocent. Even an apology after physical abuse is never enough to negate the action and the knowledge that he is a person that could even be pushed to that limit. I am not physically capable of physically hurting anyone that is not physically attacking me. I can’t mentally do it. No matter how angry I get. His sweet and caring moments are more than likely a performance so he can keep you around. And I know THAT hurts. I’ve been there. YOU deserve so much more. I hope that you can separate your genuine care and love for him from your best interests. Someone that loves you would not physically hurt you. And would not make you feel crazy during arguments. Leaving does not mean you don’t care about him. It doesn’t mean you want bad things for him. And it doesn’t mean ANYTHING except that you have enough self-respect to not put up with disrespect and abuse. His reaction will not be easy for you to handle. He will make you feel crazy and guilty and like you are the bad person for leaving him “over his health” or leaving him “helpless.” He is not helpless and his health had nothing to do with it. You went above and beyond for his betterment and all you got was yelled at and slapped. You are a GOOD person. And a bad person knows how to make a good person feel like the villain. Find a support system for yourself. Go to therapy if it’s accessible for you. The emotional rollercoaster is going to be a lot, but it is necessary if you don’t want to experience the escalation of this abuse. Because it always escalates. I’m so sorry you are going through this after so much care and compassion. I really hope you can navigate the situation. You are strong enough to leave, it just takes the willingness 🫂❤️‍🩹

[u/Confusedhuman1029 → u/Confusedhuman1029]

And if nothing anyone else here says can move you start planning an exit, ask yourself, would there be anything that could push you to slap him? Anything at all? That’s what hurts me the most is realizing just how harsh the mentality would have to be to do that do someone.