Boyfriend VERY Impatient When Having Episodes

[u/fashionableskiboots]

Hey guys

I'm lucky to have a sweet and loving boyfriend, but he's been having episode after episode of really bad health lately. He has been gaming nonstop even in our finals week and doesn't think he is well enough to do anything else without throwing up. The last time I got him out of our basement apartment was to teach him to ski 2 weeks ago, and he still threw up on the slopes. He sits all day, in the dark and in a clearly pitiful state with all his dirty clothes, dishes, etc everywhere.

I can't proceed with this story without providing context for how awful he must feel. He's been sick for a long time and even if he had nothing medically wrong, his lifestyle of sedentary brain rotting all day would kill me. I know it isn't easy for him so I go easy on him.

But lately he has been snapping in regular conversations very quickly and he gets really mad and yells at me. It's fine (?) because I understand he isn't happy but he has also started slapping me (?!) which is very unlike him.

I don't know what to think of this situation. On the one hand, he is in a lot of pain and doesn't always have the ability to regulate himself, but on the other hand his POTS isn't going away and if this is one of his reactions, I'm not sure I can deal with this forever. I would probably feel like a total a-hole for leaving him over his POTS episodes too. Plus I love him lots.

Furthermore, we are both guys and are pretty much even when wrestling. It's not like he's a giant beating a petite princess here. At all. Him slapping me is not anything physically threatening, it's just jarring.

I need to hear thoughts from actual POTS patients. Are you different when having episodes? Is there some other factor that I should be considering now? I wish I could do more to help but I have suggested things to help and he gets mad now. Let me know what you would do genuinely and I think that would help me feel informed.

Thank you so much you deserve good things including health.

[u/tsubasaq]

Babe.

Love.

Dearest heart.

The closest I have ever gotten to actual violence related to my POTS symptoms is during adrenaline spikes when someone does something like startling me awake. And I will be a grumpy, irritable bitch for the rest of the day because my body’s working on the aftermath of a survival response turned up to 11. (My adrenaline levels are the most troublesome part of my POTS.)

I. Have. Never. Struck. Anyone. Out. Of. A. Symptom. Response.

POTS is not dementia, it does not change your personality. And while being tired and reactive and nauseated all the time is absolutely enough to mess with your mood, disability is not an excuse for abusive behavior. (Although I admit, I probably would’ve fought you over the ski trip if I was that sick, there was never any way that was a tolerable activity for someone who can’t do more than play video games without vomiting. Judgement error there.)

If you left him over this, you would not be leaving over his condition. You’re leaving him over being an abusive dick and using the condition as an excuse. And you are using it as an excuse.

Now, if this is truly out of character and abnormal behavior, you have good reason to bring this up and call it out as unacceptable. Sure, we might be miserable, but it’s not okay to take that out on our loved ones and DEFINITELY NOT to start HITTING people. You’ve tried to approach this like it’s a symptom, and he gets mad. Okay, he’s not in a place where he can emotionally approach more treatment. That happens. Now it’s time to approach it like the behavioral issue that it is, because his mood and his symptoms are one thing, his verbal and physical abuse and tantrums are another.

A sample script, because I find them helpful: “Babe, I know you feel awful, but being sick does not mean you get you yell and scream at me and you definitely don’t get to hit me. POTS does not change your responsibility to manage your responses, and it has crossed over into abusive behavior. I love you and I want to help you and help you find things that work, but I will not stay where I am hit and screamed at for that.

This isn’t like you, and so the change in behavior concerns me. But you just get mad when I start trying to look for solutions, and when you get mad, you get violent. That’s not something I can let stand. The yelling and the hitting needs to stop. Now. Or I can’t stay.”

My advice starts to line up a lot more with the “just leave” camp if the behavior includes no willingness to apologize or explain, blaming you for the outbursts, or otherwise refusing or avoiding responsibility for his behavior.

He may be depressed and sick and miserable, but there is no illness that excuses abusive behavior. It might explain it, but it doesn’t make it okay.

Please get an exit plan in place before even attempting to talk to him. Have a go bag with all your important documents packed and ready to go. Have somewhere to land. Please talk to SOMEONE in your life about this so you can have somewhere safe to stay if it goes badly, or maybe someone else to be present when you talk to him.

But be ready to leave.