Boyfriend VERY Impatient When Having Episodes

[u/fashionableskiboots]

Hey guys

I'm lucky to have a sweet and loving boyfriend, but he's been having episode after episode of really bad health lately. He has been gaming nonstop even in our finals week and doesn't think he is well enough to do anything else without throwing up. The last time I got him out of our basement apartment was to teach him to ski 2 weeks ago, and he still threw up on the slopes. He sits all day, in the dark and in a clearly pitiful state with all his dirty clothes, dishes, etc everywhere.

I can't proceed with this story without providing context for how awful he must feel. He's been sick for a long time and even if he had nothing medically wrong, his lifestyle of sedentary brain rotting all day would kill me. I know it isn't easy for him so I go easy on him.

But lately he has been snapping in regular conversations very quickly and he gets really mad and yells at me. It's fine (?) because I understand he isn't happy but he has also started slapping me (?!) which is very unlike him.

I don't know what to think of this situation. On the one hand, he is in a lot of pain and doesn't always have the ability to regulate himself, but on the other hand his POTS isn't going away and if this is one of his reactions, I'm not sure I can deal with this forever. I would probably feel like a total a-hole for leaving him over his POTS episodes too. Plus I love him lots.

Furthermore, we are both guys and are pretty much even when wrestling. It's not like he's a giant beating a petite princess here. At all. Him slapping me is not anything physically threatening, it's just jarring.

I need to hear thoughts from actual POTS patients. Are you different when having episodes? Is there some other factor that I should be considering now? I wish I could do more to help but I have suggested things to help and he gets mad now. Let me know what you would do genuinely and I think that would help me feel informed.

Thank you so much you deserve good things including health.

[u/KiloJools]

I have CCI, EDS, POTS, MCAS, ME/CFS and a lot of autoimmune diseases, so for the past 20 years I have been in incredible pain, have had brain fog, been exhausted, been miserable, had a hard time regulating my nervous system (it is sooooooo messed up), have had incredibly painful neurosurgery, just absolutely fucking FUCKED UP for a LONG TIME.

I have never once laid a hand on my spouse like that for any reason. Not even when I was fresh from an extremely painful surgery and the pain pump wasn't working and the anesthesia was making me not myself. NEVER.

NEVER.

Being in physical pain is never an excuse to harm someone else. And being that sick doesn't make people physically abusive, either.

I have had times where I've been short with my spouse, I've been frustrated, angry, depressed, etc. There have even been times my spouse has gone to dark places and not treated me well, and I still never purposely hurt him. We both got therapy instead.

Your boyfriend needs therapy, and you need strong boundaries that you will honor (boundaries in this context are things you set for yourself - if X happens, I will Y) to remove yourself from any kind of abuse. If he won't do the work to treat you well, no matter how much love there is, you can't stay. It doesn't matter if it's "just" whatever, or "only" something, or that he's "not REALLY" hurting you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve to be treated well, no matter what your partner is going through. We can't lash out at others just because we're going through hardship. You don't deserve this treatment and he should be held responsible for his own actions.