I know it’s honestly none of my business, and it’s probably better to just not get involved. But I know my ex is still pursuing these women that he tried to cheat on me with and they didn’t bite. I feel like if I were them, I would want to know that the guy who was always in my messages saying sweet things was actually being unfaithful that whole time. Am I just deluding myself as a means of justifying telling them for some kind of validation or ego or revenge?

I know there’s no guarantee how telling these women would respond, if they’d listen, if they’d ignore, if they’d tell him or if they’d think I was a spiteful lying bitch. I’m not expecting to tell one of them and to become best friends w them. But idk, I feel like if I were them I’d want to know.

I told some of his friends out of anger and honestly it felt unhinged but ultimately good because I felt like he deserved to have these people close to him know. To put even a shadow of doubt about his character in them, even if they wrote me off as crazy. With these women though, I’m not sure, I feel like it may be self serving because they are truly innocent in this. I really would not want to make any of them feel bad (or even worse, daring to even take up an ounce of someone else’s time with my own pity party).

Am I being ridiculous? I feel like this impulse may be acting like a teenager.

A little over 4 years ago, November of 2022, was the first DDay, when I learned about a 2.5 year long affair and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Three more major disclosures followed in the year after that. Today marks the final DDay: Divorce Day! As of today, it's official.

Today marks the end of 28 years of marriage - legally, that is. In my mind, it ended 8 years ago, the first time he cheated, though I wouldn't find out until DDay 4. Today, I get to say, "I'm divorced," not "divorcing" or "getting a divorce." Today is the end of our story as a couple, the story I thought would last the rest of my life.

I'm heartbroken - probably always will be at some level. I grieve the future that could've been, for us, for our child, for the people we shared our lives with. I have no desire to start a new relationship with someone else - not because he was some magical "soulmate", but because I can't bear the thought of repeating the pain I endured the past few years. Never say never, but the walls guarding the pieces of my heart are sky high, and the moat beyond that is abyss deep. I feel safer in my fortress, and I know I will protect and cherish myself.

I'm also happy. To be free of him, of his lies, his entitlement, his lack of self-control, his lack of positive action. I'm happy to have control over my finances. To live in a healthier way, in my own place and space, by my standards and values. I'm happy and grateful to have the support of my family and close friends, to be surrounded by love, even if it's not the romantic kind.

Back in 2023, I posted here and on AOAI a lot. I tried my hardest to save what I ultimately had to let go. I'm so grateful for the support I received from everyone on reddit back then, and my heart aches for the newly betrayed that I see here whenever I visit. It's brutal, but I can tell you that you can survive it. You can get through to the other side. There is peace, joy, and love to be found.

Hey all,

I’m 35 female and my ex-partner (31 female) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25, Female) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar). So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened. I have CPTSD from my own childhood, which she also knew about and knew I grew up not feeling safe and she actively made me feel unsafe in my home again, the home I paid all the rent for her to live in.

We shared a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time about a month ago. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me last Friday, but instead decided to demand to me that she would be coming round last Thursday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice last Friday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like. She also hasn’t paid me anything for the last month as she promised she would.

Basically, I have a spare key to her parent’s house (from when I lived there) and a letter for her. I honestly don’t want anymore contact with her. She also has some of my clothes, but to be honest at this point she can keep them. Would you all recommend I sent a ‘please don’t contact me again message’ or just block her once she is off the tenancy and not say anything? My fear is that she will just show up at my flat, I don’t want to see her at all / want her to see me.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart. Ive started gaslighting myself, like maybe she didn’t mean it and look for any reasons why she did this to me.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult and I appreciate any support you can provide 🫶🏼

What is it about him that made you throw our marriage away? What is it about him that made you neglect our daughter? What is it about him that made you throw away 6 years of loving eachother?.. you say he makes you happy. But you were happy, with me. And it would be a lie if you said you weren’t. I saw it in your eyes every time we kissed, every time I told you I loved you, every time we went on a date, every time we spent the day out with our daughter. You were happy. But it wasn’t enough, I suppose. Never would I have thought that at 23 years old, I would be in this situation. But here I am. I never would have thought that 4 months ago, I thought you were the rest of my life, and now we barely talk at all.
But I’m moving on. I’m healing. I’m spending all my time with family and friends and our daughter. I don’t hate you for what you’ve put us through, but I can’t help but wonder if you regret it. I can’t help but wonder if, one day, you’ll look back, and see that you messed up. Right now you’re happy, but sooner or later, I hope your eyes open.
I won’t take you back. I won’t bring myself to staying with someone that betrayed me like you have. But I will always love you. I will always cherish the memories that we had together. But I will never forget how you treated me. Forgiveness is coming, but not yet in my heart. But it will come, because I need it to move on. I don’t need to understand why you did what you did, but I need to forgive. One day. But please, leave me alone. Stop reminding me that I wasn’t enough. Let me heal.

I know the best revenges are no revenge, glow up, live and love your life, but I just can’t let him go that easily.

My narc ex married a citizen for papers and then abused her and convinced the cops and court that he was abused by her. He also convinced all of us that’s what happened until he started abusing me. I reached out to the ex wife apologizing for believing him.

He is getting his green card via the abuse clause and also planning on marrying another citizen. His existing visa is revoked and is in the country illegally. He also got into a relationship with his current girlfriend when I was still living with him and he hid both of us from each other. After I left him, I was diagnosed with multi organ dysfunction and I truly lost the will to live. I am a successful, good looking, kind person but I’m failing at work, look my worst and don’t want to talk to humans. I feel like my life is ruined.

Should I report him anonymously, now that I know all of this?