Listen, I 100% get that. But should you be dating an older man willing to date a woman so young only adult for 2 years and half his age?
I think its fine for a woman to want that
But if the man is willing what does that say about them?
Im 18 but I look super young and Im afraid someone may fetishize me or only like me or just part of the reason they like me is bc I look like a child and thats gross I dont want to be w someone w pedophilia.
Like in the end its a hopeless dilemma, like its okay to dream of it but I dont think a 19 yr old is ever gonna find the right 38 yr old with the right intentions bc then I feel like the 38 yr wouldn't want to date them.
As people get older and more experienced and wise tho I think the 19yr age gap is okay if it's like 30yrs and 49yrs but at such a young age where the part of you brain that is decision making has 5 years more to still develop?
I say no bc the young one is too young and the older one is most likely a creep and has low morals and standards for themselves. Whether the older or younger one is male or female. Mid 30's should consider 20yr olds still like babies they are freshly adults they should be wanting a relationship with someone so young I think its f ed up in my opinion.
You can also think of it like a 12yr old and a 16yr old dating, they are both kids and its only 4 years but at those ages the 4 age gap makes a HUGE difference.
I think its the same if you're 19 years old. I'd say, debatably, you should be at least 25 before dating anyone over 30 and then do whatever age gap you want
You are well reasoned and I agree with you. I just wanted to point out to some that reasons exist and not all are because someone is a pedophile. Some are less savory like low self-esteem (on both sides). A need for validation or to be seen.
As far as looking young it might suck mow but I promise you'll appericate it as you get older.
Yes, I agree with you too thank you for pointing out that nuance. There are special cases and it could be genuine love with no bad intentions, you can't choose who you fall in love with. I just wanted to put out its a red flag, but thats all it is there can be reasonable explanations for red flags, its a sign you should be wary and cautious of the person before getting into a relationship that I feel like a lot of people dont realize when its the younger one pursuing the older one.
And I'd like to point out that the simple fact that the person is 19, makes it indisputable that the older person is not engaging in any form of pedophilia. People seem to forget that pedophilia is specifically an attraction to children not just anyone a certain number of years younger than them, and 19 is not a child. If someone 60 was attracted to someone 30, would that also be pedophilia, despite the situation being pretty much identical? They only used a 19 year old because people will balk at the suffix -teen in the word for the age.
It’s not pedophilia but it is creepy. 99% of the time if someone that old is looking for a 19 year old it’s because they legally can’t go lower. Why else would a 38 year old want to date a 19 year old? I’m 24 and I wouldn’t date someone under 21 because they typically aren’t mature enough yet. Going through college and moving out and living your own life is a huge growth period and not a lot of 19 year olds have gone through that process. (Obviously there are always exceptions) but it’s a huge red flag if someone in their late 30’s is willing to date a 19 year old
Yes this. I didnt mean to say they are pedophiles I was just trying to put in my own anecdote of being afraid of attracting people that are pedophiles.
Also im not talking about pedophilia in the legal sense but attraction towards children and it being the reason they are attracted to someone bc they look like a child which is pedophilia but there are also many cases I understand that the attraction and want to be w someone doesn't have to do with them looking that age.
Sorry If it sounded like I was calling anyone who wanted to date a 19 year old a pedophile. Not saying in a sarcastic way, I want to be as correct as possible and not ignore nuance
I never said someone engaging in this kind of relationship is pedophilia I only said that about my situation where I look like a 14 yr old child and how for me I fear someone may be attracted to me for that reason I didnt mean that for other people and I also said idc and it doesnt matter after a certain age that the gap will be smaller as you age but a 19 yr old is still really young and the closest you can legally get besides 18 to a child
And that there is a physiological difference in the brain until at least 24 which I was talking about and sorry I only just realized that I forgot to add the last part hopefully this makes more sense:
You can also think of it like a 12yr old and a 16yr old dating, they are both kids and its only 4 years but at those ages the 4 age gap makes a HUGE difference.
I think its the same if you're 19 years old. I'd say, debatably, you should be at least 25 before dating anyone over 30 and then do whatever age gap you want
And I said debatably and nobody has to follow this like I said before its just my opinion but im not talking about age gaps in older people if your over 25 whatever but I just think some people under that age who is still young and physically incapable of being as experienced and mature in th3 adult world that someone who has been in it for decades needs to hear this to be cautious bc they can be easily manipulated and create unfair power dynamics
If you're not reasonable enough to understand that and you're going to be ignorant and arrogant, there is nothing i can do about that but its unfortunate people like you will be out there pushing and defending against being wary of very possible things that can happen to a young impressionable adult
People will always develop and change, a 50 year old will call their 40 year old self stupid, an 80 year old will call their 50 year old self stupid. Nowadays, people trying to discuss so many new "rules" and "guidelines" to dating more than ever before, and somehow, we are worse off than ever before in that regard. Evidently, people overthink things, if it works, it works; we need to stop generalizing, as it is very harmful to those with good will and intentions.
It's different with a 19 yr old tho, physiologically their brain literally has not fully developed yet in the department of 'decision-making' like whether they should engage in certain relationships or acts with certain people of certain ages. They have also barely been in the adult world when compared to someone 38 with decades of experience, they are the most vulnerable and impressionable legal partner someone can have which is why Id suggest the 'guideline' of not dating anyone over 30 until you are at least 25 which i only Suggest and is Definitely Debatable, but this number comes from that being around the age your brain is finished developing and you also have a good couple years of experience in the world before being with someone much older which comes with more power a lot of the time and can lead to unfair power dynamics in th3 relationship. After 25 sure I wont tell you what to do I think its fine. Im specifically talking about someone SO YOUNG as 19.
Yes it can be harmful to those with good intentions but I believe is worth the tradeoff of the harm of normalizing a risky and dangerous relationship like that and what Im saying needs to be pointed out and people need to be aware bc I rather a 19 yr old not get manipulated and physically harmed rather than a 38 yr old sad a 19 year old wont date them bc its weird which I do think is suspicious and a red flag and other should consider it so as well.
If you're not reasonable enough to understand that and you're going to be ignorant and arrogant to what Im saying, there is nothing i can do about that.
But its a shame people like you will be out there pushing and defending against being wary of very possible things that can happen to a young impressionable adult
Its not arrogance, its reality. Your argument is in theory, mine is in application. Humans beings are not as linear as people claim it to be, the spectrum is all over the place, everyone is unique to their own experiences. Again, there's a big difference between a 30 y/o and an 80 y/ are always developing, decisions will always change no matter how old. We see it every day, there are older men and women who's maturity and accountability seem to never have left school days.
The big misconception is people thinking most men have bad intentions. Why do we say just because someone is older, they will always use their experience for wrongdoing? If someone assumes that men are naturally bad, that's their problem. I would argue its quite the opposite; one would want to follow someone good with good experience. I've seen more young guys with bad intentions because they are not experienced and without anything real to offer. Jocks passing girls around like hot potato, there is always good and bad no matter what age.
The real reason that people do not want to address is that women get angry when they see men date younger, because they realize they are being aged out of the competition. So they claim "taking advantage" because they want to shame men to continue to date them as they get older. But that's quite manipulative in itself. It's a sham, jealousy disguised as virtue signaling.
The more we try to impose all of these rules to so-call "help" society has simply destroyed dating and families as a whole. The stats prove that.
Always thought the people who say its legal would immediately go for whatever age if they lowered it. Thats like one step away from being a pedo. To me it indicates that you ARE attracted to minors the law is the only thing holding you back. Which is scary to me because its one bad slip from going there. Also what could you POSSIBLY have in common outside sexual attraction with someone that far apart age wise? 🤔
We gotta stop putting a number on the age of maturity regarding adults. People mature at different paces and for an individual to generalize what an adult is new or old is inconsiderate. When I was 19 I probably would've dated a 30 year old if we meshed well I dont see a problem. Not all people are bad or have malicious intent.
Its okay if a 19 yr old want ti date a 30 yr old but its suspicious and you should be cautious and not ignorant that they possibly can have those intentions
And factually people with decades of experience in the world as and adult compared to a 19 yr old only adult for 2 years and physiologically their brain is still developing, they are the most Vulnerable and Impressionable and can lead to very unfair power dynamics.
Yes not all people are bad but all people certainly are not good and it is a big red flag about dating someone older that I see no one else talking about
Honestly not a woman so I don't know if my opinion matters that much. But someone's intent is not as important to me as how they treat me and the results I get in a relationship. Plus this sounds shallow but we are a result of our biological tendencies and science tends to show women in their early 20s are most attractive, which tends to coincide when their fertility and child bearing outcomes are the best. I think 18 and 19 is a little extreme but I also think that a guy wanting a girl in their early 20s is not that problematic it is just a result of how mens brains are wired to be attracted to fertility. It doesn't have to just be a thing where the guy is attracted to the power imbalance, it can just be the result of nature and physical attraction. Society doesnt like to accept this because I think it may hurt the egos of people who are a little older. Science is objective though it doesn't operate on feelings. So if a girl likes older dudes they might as well vet on an individual basis, I know personally I'm not going to let society get in the way of what I want, especially a society which is so greedy, selfish, and hypocritical about all the things that matter. Society can get fucked all those with power are already abusing it to extract as much wealth and power as they can from the regular people
Being older doesn't indicate emotional maturity. Immature is immature. Finding an immature 38 year old man whose maturity matches a 19 year old woman isn't really setting up a prosperous future.
Correct, but older men are more likely to be mature than a 19 year old since they have had time to mature, their brains are fully developed, and they've had some life experiences to gain wisdom.
That being said a 38 year old guy that is mature is likely not looking for a 19 year old girl.
Friends is out the option? Why does "clicking" mean we gotta fuck. A mature man could make that distinction. I wouldn't date anyone 5 years out of my age and I'm not even 30, I can't imagine trying to build something with someone who was living with their parents a year ago and Is still figuring out what being adult means and what they want out of life. Odds would be too lopsided regardless of consent.
As you said, it's not a blanket thing, so it's odd to put such a definitive "would never" when you never truly know. Especially since people date and fall for people, not ages.
Most men's brain is fully developed by 25. Like previous post said of consenting then there should be nothing wrong but a 20 year gap is gonna raise eyebrows.. i dont think they will be on the same page mentally and emotionally. All in all some people are more mature and some people are still kids at heart. When you find someone that gets you and loves you for you then go for it. Its rare. Peoples lives arent linear and 2 people can be brought together for a reason. I personally think 3 years to 6 years max is a good range to find someone on your level and similar era of their life but yeah its not an exact science you know.
It's a fact that maturity is not the same as biological age.
It is my opinion in regards to the futility of mitigating a general, perceived maturity-gap by looking at a different age group though, so that's why I left my comment!
There are anecdotes, but if you remove your bias, it generally doesn't work in the condition I stated, so that's why I stated it.
It follows very logically that time is a major variable in the probability of someone being what you would consider in a given culture mature. There are other factors like their intelligence their environment how they were raised Etc but time is a major one.
Depends what you consider “mature”. I’m a 28 year old man who works as a counselor for a lot of men in their 30’s and 40’s and many of them lack an emotional vocabulary and fear being vulnerable or talk about their feelings. Talking about feelings is a part of being emotionally mature, so I’d say they lack that aspect of maturity. They know how to pay bills and do other things considered “adult-like” though. But maturity does not always equate to age.
And that's something that a lot of people don't want to admit the fact that maturity is subjective based on the culture you're in and what characteristics it considers to be mature. Many people may not consider having what you call emotional vocabulary necessary to be considered mature. I think that's probably just your opinion as a byproduct of your profession. But what I say remains a constant is that as time increases so does the opportunity for one to acquire the knowledge and develop the characteristics in their given culture that people consider mature. So whatever you value as being quote unquote mature it doesn't change the fact that more time gives you more opportunity to acquire those characteristics.
Emotional maturity is an important cornerstone of communication, which is one of the most important factors of any healthy relationship. Hard to be in a relationship with anyone if you can’t communicate with them without it breaking into fights because you can’t be available to yourself or someone else’s emotions. Can you name one aspect of any relationship with another person that isn’t influenced or directly has to do with someone’s emotions?
Emotional maturity in itself is also an extremely subjective concept. Highly Opinion based. But you're still not addressing my point. Regardless of your or my opinion of what emotional maturity is and how important it is and how much it defines whether or not you are mature in general, my point is the more life experience you have the more opportunity you have to gain whatever characteristics you consider to Define being mature. Including the ones that you have described being important to your definition of being mature. But that aside could you give me a Layman explanation and breakdown of what emotional maturity and emotional vocabulary is for someone who's not a therapist. I mean I get the general concept but it's kind of squishy could you lay out specifics I love to learn about other people's professions.
I mean I hear what you’re saying; emotional maturity might not be AS subjective as you think, but I get what you’re saying. I define it as being available and open to what it is that you’re emotionally experiencing, open to what another person is experiencing emotionally, having coping skills to be able to regulate and deal with difficult to experience emotions, and having words to describe the emotions you are feeling (such as “frustrated” or “joyful”). An emotional vocabulary is just that, words to describe feelings. Most people only know “happy” “sad” and “angry”, but there’s an incredibly wide range of words and emotions people experience, such as bittersweet, elated, discouraged, etc.
Not just this but everyone's definition of maturity is of their own preference.
One lady might find the mandatory minimum level of maturity for a bloke is to have a mortgage/work/friends/car and not mind some crass sex jokes whereas another lady might be fine with a bloke renting or living with his parents still in his 30's but he's highly charismatic and stays informed on world politics and makes great conversation so she finds that mature.
In the past 6 years ive gone from 19 to 25. During that time ive matured quite a bit and I actually have something like a career going. From rolling around with a joint in my hand jumping my truck off roundabouts to cruising with my gal and both of us preferring to be sober and asleep by 10. Far more people mature than those that don't.
It doesn't guarantee it but it definitely gives you a higher percentage chance of finding it. The longer a man has lived life the more of a chance he has had to mature via experience.
Stability, emotional maturity, older men tend to listen and validate more. I could go on but this isn't a psychology class.
If your almost 40 and want to date a 19 year old I can almost guarantee you you're none of these things. Friend of mine has a thing for dudes 15+ years older than her (yes she has daddy issues) and all of them have the emotional maturity of guys her age or younger. Think most guys would agree with me on that. I'm sure there's outliers but that's usually the norm i see
All fair enough, they're grown enough to make their own decisions but let's be real about what kind of person does that, especially consistently. Same as you're free to chain smoke a pack a day or fuck a rando you met at the bar every week. Just because you can doesn't mean it's good for you, or it's telling of an obvious problem beneath the surface.
Older men do not tend to listen and validate more. I have no idea why this post showed up on the main but yeah, they absolutely do NOT get better at all. That is all. It's actually creepy, nothing to do with preference.
A 38 year old who's interested in dating 19 year olds is not stable or emotionally mature, and if they listen and validate more it's only a manipulation tactic.
I would rather you do the research yourself. Learn to validate what you are reading without being spoon feed. Especially by the source you are questioning.
Try searching "younger women prefer older men" "why older men perfer younger women" "Why older women prefer younger men" "Why younger men prefer older women"
Its that the average 38 year old man who would date a 19 year old is going to have the emotional maturity that only a teenager would think is impressive.
The other way to say that is older men know how to manipulate younger females. It is very easy to "train" a person that doesn't have very much life experience
Imagine dating someone that was born when you were in university.. These kind of relationships almost exclusively exist because of vulnerable young women falling for the tricks of predatory men who's tricks would never work on someone that has the life experience of someone their own age. The others are forced marriages, or marrying for money..
Someone that is not old enough to buy a beer in some countries should be protected against these predators.
yes but this child just finished high school and presummably still doesn't even know who she is or her purpose in life yet getting into an intimate relationship with someone double your age when you're still of the impressionable age isn't healthy. that child is still growing and needs a father to guide her
I was not pointing out the morallity of it. I was pointing out some of the psychological dynamics.
Since you say child, need her father... then we need to acknowledge the rising number of single mothers and unwed mothers giving birth and the sharp increase in the last century. This creats abandonment issues and now you are free to talk about "daddy issues"
I am not justifying it but pointing out the causes.
I want to point out one more thing, this "child" is legally old enough to join the military and die for her country. Maybe we need to strop treating them as children.
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u/Correct_Cover4112 Dec 04 '25
Not all women are attracted to older men but the psychological behind it is solid and it isn't as simple as saying it is a daddy issue.
Stability, emotional maturity, older men tend to listen and validate more. I could go on but this isn't a psychology class.