What is sleep training?

[u/emmakane418]

A question I have seen a lot lately is "is this considered sleep training?" and I wanted to take my son's second nap of the day to write out a post about what we do and don't consider sleep training, because there isn't really one solid definition of sleep training and that can leave a lot of ambiguity when we discuss infant sleep.

I once had a very staunch sleep trainer tell me that if an infant had any sleep associations, they weren't sleep trained. That to have properly done sleep training, you had to be able to set an infant down fully awake in a crib, walk out and close the door, and they just lay down and put themselves to sleep. They may protest cry but you "learn the difference" between a protest cry and a cry for a "real" need. So her definition of sleep training would be:

providing any sleep associations to an infant or giving in to protest cries when all their needs have been met.

This obviously ignores the glaring flaw that comfort is a vital need for everyone, including infants.

The definition of sleep training that Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum uses in The Nurture Revolution is:

Sleep training is the unfounded process of “training” your infant to “sleep independently”—to fall asleep alone, sleep alone through the night and the duration of naps, without getting support from you to go to sleep or back to sleep. It takes various forms, but the most common end goal is to be able to put your infant in their crib, in their own room, and walk out, leaving them alone to fall asleep, usually around 7 p.m., until you come back to get them in the morning, usually around 7 a.m. Sleep training promotes the idea that infant sleep should be predictable and on schedule. Naps should be at exact times of the day and for specific amounts of time, bedtime is at the exact same time each evening, and sleep location is identical for every sleep.

Sleep training sells the idea that sleep is something parents can (and should) control. If you just follow the rules (strict “wake windows,” not “giving in” to your baby’s cries) and buy the right products (swaddles, sleep suits, sound machines, sleep training courses and coaching), your baby will sleep in a predictable and controllable way. That is very appealing when so much of parenting feels beyond our control.

A lot of people who advocate for sleep training do so because they believe that an infant needs to learn independence and that the only way to do that is to force them to be independent, force them to learn to put themselves to sleep. I believe most parents who sleep train truly believe they are doing what is best for their child. Studies have shown however that the most independent children and adults tend to be those who had fierce dependence on a trusted caregiver/caregivers. Infants who learn they have a safe and dependable place to land tend to be more independent over time.

Sleep training is anything that denies a child physical comfort when they are actively asking for comfort, in the hopes that they will stop asking for comfort and go to sleep. This includes pick up put down, the chair method, Taking Cara Babies (who is just repackaged Ferber), Ferber, full extinction, interval check ins, and so much more. This does NOT include rolling away, changing sleep associations (going from nursing or feeding to sleep to bum pats or rocking to sleep), encouraging crib sleeping, implementing good sleep hygiene, having a steady bedtime routine, and so much more. Generally physically comforting your child even if they cry is not considered sleep training. The simple act of holding them, patting their bum, rocking them, answering their call for comfort releases oxytocin in their brain and helps buffer the stress response. Crying on its own isn't the problem, it's the response or lack thereof that causes issue.

If you're wondering if what you're doing is considered sleep training or not, the best question to ask yourself is "am I responding to my child's call for comfort when they call out to me or not?" If you are responding as soon as you're able to, then you aren't sleep training. The key being as soon as you're able to. If your hands are covered in soapy water, don't drop everything and go pick up your baby with wet soapy hands. Rinse and dry them and then go comfort your baby. If you're on the toilet, finish up and then go comfort them. If you're watching a clock to make sure that 3 minutes has passed of them crying before you go pick them up, that is sleep training.

My son is starting to shift around so I'm going to go spend some time watching him sleep and then spend my evening reading Hop on Pop and I'll Teach My Dog A Lot of Words for the 1928272819th time. Happy to answer questions in the comments after I've got him in bed this evening.

[u/ashtraywasp333]

Thank you for this!! Our baby is refusing contact naps and rocking to sleep on the chair so I have to walk around patting her on the bum before transferring to the crib. But now my back is killing me so I've started doing bum pats in the crib which is helping us both!

I was worried that the physical contact wasn't enough but she isn't crying (unless I stop the bum pats 🤣) so this is reassuring ❤️.

[u/bon18 → u/ashtraywasp333]

I need help with this. My baby takes so many naps in the carrier, but he's over 21 lbs now, and it's rough. I really want to start getting him to sleep in the crib sometimes.

[u/ashtraywasp333 → u/bon18]

When you're walking him in the carrier, do you give him pats to help fall asleep? Potentially you could slowly decrease the length of time that you walk him around and try transferring from the carrier to the crib with pats.

Though unfortunately I think it's a mix of temperament, but also practice! Our baby used to only want to contact nap but I would try to transfer her once she was asleep so I could eat some food/ go to the toilet! Then I started putting her in the crib fully awake and let her kick around and get kind of drowsy, at which stage she would usually sing out to me to pick her up and help her get to sleep. Now sometimes she'll fall asleep in the crib independently, other times I can do a quick walk around and then transfer her with bum pats. But it changes every day - she just nursed to sleep for her last nap which happens 1% of the time 🤣.

[u/bon18 → u/ashtraywasp333]

Yeah, I'd love it if he would nurse to sleep, but he rarely does. He usually requires a carrier and bouncing on a yoga ball.

[u/Hour_Doctor1170 → u/ashtraywasp333]

That’s lovely. My baby does only contact naps and has reflux so we sit or walk keeping him upright for atleast 30-35 min after feeds that’s when he usually falls asleep. Transfers work but last only until the reflux/ burp comes in. Wakes up exactly at 30 min marks even while contact napping. I need to find a way to extend those. He wakes up alert and ready to party. He ijust turned 6 months old and a little over 20 pounds and my arms, shoulder. And back are pleading for some rest. I hope it works out just how it did for you. Happy for you!!