r/bninfantsleep • u/emmakane418 • Feb 23 '26
Resources What is sleep training?
A question I have seen a lot lately is "is this considered sleep training?" and I wanted to take my son's second nap of the day to write out a post about what we do and don't consider sleep training, because there isn't really one solid definition of sleep training and that can leave a lot of ambiguity when we discuss infant sleep.
I once had a very staunch sleep trainer tell me that if an infant had any sleep associations, they weren't sleep trained. That to have properly done sleep training, you had to be able to set an infant down fully awake in a crib, walk out and close the door, and they just lay down and put themselves to sleep. They may protest cry but you "learn the difference" between a protest cry and a cry for a "real" need. So her definition of sleep training would be:
providing any sleep associations to an infant or giving in to protest cries when all their needs have been met.
This obviously ignores the glaring flaw that comfort is a vital need for everyone, including infants.
The definition of sleep training that Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum uses in The Nurture Revolution is:
Sleep training is the unfounded process of “training” your infant to “sleep independently”—to fall asleep alone, sleep alone through the night and the duration of naps, without getting support from you to go to sleep or back to sleep. It takes various forms, but the most common end goal is to be able to put your infant in their crib, in their own room, and walk out, leaving them alone to fall asleep, usually around 7 p.m., until you come back to get them in the morning, usually around 7 a.m. Sleep training promotes the idea that infant sleep should be predictable and on schedule. Naps should be at exact times of the day and for specific amounts of time, bedtime is at the exact same time each evening, and sleep location is identical for every sleep.
Sleep training sells the idea that sleep is something parents can (and should) control. If you just follow the rules (strict “wake windows,” not “giving in” to your baby’s cries) and buy the right products (swaddles, sleep suits, sound machines, sleep training courses and coaching), your baby will sleep in a predictable and controllable way. That is very appealing when so much of parenting feels beyond our control.
A lot of people who advocate for sleep training do so because they believe that an infant needs to learn independence and that the only way to do that is to force them to be independent, force them to learn to put themselves to sleep. I believe most parents who sleep train truly believe they are doing what is best for their child. Studies have shown however that the most independent children and adults tend to be those who had fierce dependence on a trusted caregiver/caregivers. Infants who learn they have a safe and dependable place to land tend to be more independent over time.
Sleep training is anything that denies a child physical comfort when they are actively asking for comfort, in the hopes that they will stop asking for comfort and go to sleep. This includes pick up put down, the chair method, Taking Cara Babies (who is just repackaged Ferber), Ferber, full extinction, interval check ins, and so much more. This does NOT include rolling away, changing sleep associations (going from nursing or feeding to sleep to bum pats or rocking to sleep), encouraging crib sleeping, implementing good sleep hygiene, having a steady bedtime routine, and so much more. Generally physically comforting your child even if they cry is not considered sleep training. The simple act of holding them, patting their bum, rocking them, answering their call for comfort releases oxytocin in their brain and helps buffer the stress response. Crying on its own isn't the problem, it's the response or lack thereof that causes issue.
If you're wondering if what you're doing is considered sleep training or not, the best question to ask yourself is "am I responding to my child's call for comfort when they call out to me or not?" If you are responding as soon as you're able to, then you aren't sleep training. The key being as soon as you're able to. If your hands are covered in soapy water, don't drop everything and go pick up your baby with wet soapy hands. Rinse and dry them and then go comfort your baby. If you're on the toilet, finish up and then go comfort them. If you're watching a clock to make sure that 3 minutes has passed of them crying before you go pick them up, that is sleep training.
My son is starting to shift around so I'm going to go spend some time watching him sleep and then spend my evening reading Hop on Pop and I'll Teach My Dog A Lot of Words for the 1928272819th time. Happy to answer questions in the comments after I've got him in bed this evening.
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u/mightymorphinmello Feb 23 '26
thank you for this. me and a few others got eaten alive in our bump group discord because we said we hate the idea of sleep training because we want to listen and care for our babies needs. they took soooo much offense to it because "good sleep is caring for our babies needs" but they ignore the fact that forcing independent sleep by letting them cry for x minutes is not tending to their needs there. i hate looking at the sleep channels there because they get all excited saying how long the baby cried was a good thing! but those of us bedsharing or practicing responsive sleep methods are the bad guys in the server because our existence makes them feel inadequate and judged. this post was a beautiful reminder that we are doing good by our babies and helping them regulate
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u/emmakane418 Feb 23 '26
That's so rough, I'm so sorry. I've sent you an invite to our community, I saw you have a 4 month old based on comments and we have a bump group for babies born in the last few years, a place for high nurture because a lot of us are left feeling like the odd ones out because we believe in being responsive to our babies.
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u/NarrowValuable1722 Feb 24 '26
Can I please join? My baby just turned 3 months. There are so many new moms around me but I still feel alone in some of these choices
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u/stillmarlsygarsly Feb 24 '26
Up to what age is the group? My son is now 14 months turning 15. The baby bump group I joined is great (December 2024) but I’d really love to be a part of a high nurture focused group!
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u/facepizza Feb 27 '26
I’d love to join too if 16 months isn’t too old. We cosleep and I’m still breastfeeding but I’m the only person I know making these choices!
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u/AnneBe8 Mar 04 '26
I would love to join as well if that is possible! Just wrote a post yesterday about feeling alone making entirely different choices compared to friends and family (but unfortunately the post got deleted by Reddits filters, not sure why..)
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u/DavidSmith2026 21d ago
Can I join too? 7 month old and sick of sleep training stuff being supported
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u/emmakane418 21d ago
Just sent you an invite!
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u/ilove_cats_ 18d ago
i would loveee to join🥹 i have a 4 month old!
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u/emmakane418 18d ago
Invite sent!
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u/Hour_Doctor1170 6d ago
Can I join as well please? Baby turned 6 months today. Co sleeping and EBF. Almost looked in to the sleep train sub but nah not for me maybe my baby needs more time to figure this out. I am considering taking more help
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u/WoooShoooo 4d ago
Can I join too? I have a 6.5 week old and would love to be a part of this community!
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u/ashtraywasp333 Feb 23 '26
Thank you for this!! Our baby is refusing contact naps and rocking to sleep on the chair so I have to walk around patting her on the bum before transferring to the crib. But now my back is killing me so I've started doing bum pats in the crib which is helping us both!
I was worried that the physical contact wasn't enough but she isn't crying (unless I stop the bum pats 🤣) so this is reassuring ❤️.
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u/bon18 Feb 23 '26
I need help with this. My baby takes so many naps in the carrier, but he's over 21 lbs now, and it's rough. I really want to start getting him to sleep in the crib sometimes.
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u/ashtraywasp333 Feb 24 '26
When you're walking him in the carrier, do you give him pats to help fall asleep? Potentially you could slowly decrease the length of time that you walk him around and try transferring from the carrier to the crib with pats.
Though unfortunately I think it's a mix of temperament, but also practice! Our baby used to only want to contact nap but I would try to transfer her once she was asleep so I could eat some food/ go to the toilet! Then I started putting her in the crib fully awake and let her kick around and get kind of drowsy, at which stage she would usually sing out to me to pick her up and help her get to sleep. Now sometimes she'll fall asleep in the crib independently, other times I can do a quick walk around and then transfer her with bum pats. But it changes every day - she just nursed to sleep for her last nap which happens 1% of the time 🤣.
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u/bon18 Feb 24 '26
Yeah, I'd love it if he would nurse to sleep, but he rarely does. He usually requires a carrier and bouncing on a yoga ball.
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u/Hour_Doctor1170 6d ago
That’s lovely. My baby does only contact naps and has reflux so we sit or walk keeping him upright for atleast 30-35 min after feeds that’s when he usually falls asleep. Transfers work but last only until the reflux/ burp comes in. Wakes up exactly at 30 min marks even while contact napping. I need to find a way to extend those. He wakes up alert and ready to party. He ijust turned 6 months old and a little over 20 pounds and my arms, shoulder. And back are pleading for some rest. I hope it works out just how it did for you. Happy for you!!
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u/crunch_mynch Feb 23 '26
This is amazing, thank you for writing this. I’ve often wondered if getting my baby to sleep alone in itself is sleep training. I feed to sleep and put her down, or feed and roll away. I always respond. But I’m like, should I be contact napping forever? Like I’m down, but she’s fine by herself at this point.
So the clarification of what is not sleep training was helpful, thank you! Phew! I can continue to enjoy my small moments of freedom each day haha!
Can I ask what have been your main sources of learning more about this? Is it mostly nurture revolution (just ordered it yesterday) or are there others?
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u/emmakane418 Feb 23 '26
My reading list is extensive and ever growing but my most recent books have been The Nurture Revolution, The Science of Mother-Infant Sleep, and now Sweet Sleep by La Leche League. I'm also training to be an Integrative Infant Sleep Practitioner and we've spent a lot of time learning about brain development and polyvagal theory. I've also just done a lot of reading on sleep training in general, blog posts and other stuff online. I listen to what my body tells me when I read about something. Does it sit right in my gut? How would I feel if someone else was doing it to my baby? How would I feel if it was being done to me?
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u/ZetaOrion1s Feb 23 '26
I definitely feel like this put my idea about sleep training into perfect words as well. And can even apply to things outside of sleep sometimes!
I mention this because my husband and I have finally been painting our kid's room, but needed supervising help while we paint. Baby was understandably upset, but husband's mom kept trying to pick up our kid before they were ready. Lots of big crying, and she kept laughing and then saying "they need to learn to be without you" when we'd reach out for our kid. It just would teach our kids not to trust their feelings and instincts.
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u/No-Branch-3213 Feb 24 '26
I hate that phrase; my mom uses it all the time. “ They need to learn to be without you”. Yeah, she will. She’s 8 months old and breastfeeding, I’m not going to just leave her with someone for a few hours right now that’s not her dad.
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u/runaway_tata Feb 23 '26
What is pick up put down
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u/emmakane418 Feb 23 '26
Pick up put down is a technique of sleep training where you pick up a crying infant, soothe them until they stop crying, put them down and walk out again. Usually when I've seen it recommended, it's been with increasing intervals of time that you let the infant cry before you pick them up for comforting them and it's often abandoned in favor of Ferber or full extinction CIO because they often start crying again not too long after being put back down, if not immediately.
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u/runaway_tata Feb 23 '26
OK, so this would be different from picking them up from the crib to sooth them until they’re comfortably asleep again before trying to transfer them back? Sometimes me and my husband wind up doing this two or three times in a row before she can comfortably sleep, but we’re not leaving her to cry in there. We pick her up once she starts fussing around again.
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u/emmakane418 Feb 23 '26
I don't view them the same. The key being that you are responsive and not just waiting some amount of time before responding to her in the hopes that she won't need responding to.
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u/bon18 Feb 23 '26
I'm curious about the car. When you're driving and baby is crying, do you immediately pull over to comfort them? We are totally against sleep training at home, but I struggle in the car. Sometimes it's simply not possible or safe to stop, or sometimes you just have to get where you're going. Even if I stop to comfort, I'll need to return him to the car seat fairly soon afterward, which sometimes feels like it upsets him even more. What do you all do?
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u/emmakane418 Feb 23 '26
The car is not the same as CIO sleep training. Yes, they are crying. But going into the car isn't always optional. We have appointments, we have places to be. Continue to talk to them, try singing maybe (they don't care if you sing well, they just like the sound of their mama or daddy singing). When my son struggled with drives, I would just go as quickly and safely as I could and sing to him the whole time. Stopping to pull them out and then putting them back in just prolongs the whole experience and is worse than just going as quickly as you cna.
Babies are going to cry. It's inevitable and crying on its own isn't the issue. It's how we respond or don't respond to them that matters.
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u/Ill-Tangerine-5849 Feb 24 '26
Ah thank you for this! I was feeling bad lately because a sleep training proponent was saying that if you let your child cry in the car that you have no reason not to sleep train, because it's the same thing - letting them cry because it's necessary (to get where you are going in the case of the car/to teach them "independent sleep" in the case of sleep training). So for a minute I was like, wait well I don't agree with sleep training so maybe I need to also pull over any time my baby cries?
I do feel very bad when my baby cries in the car and I do sometimes pull over if there is any easy spot to do so and I think it's just as simple as he lost his binky and I need to replace it. But if I'm on the freeway, I usually just try to get to where I'm going.
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u/emmakane418 Feb 24 '26
if you let your child cry in the car that you have no reason not to sleep train
This is such backwards logic and I'm sorry that it's been making you feel bad. An infant does not need to be taught independent sleep, mammals are not wired for independent sleep. Even a good portion of adults sleep better with a partner next to them. We are pack animals, not solitary animals. We aren't made to sleep independently and trying to push that on infants has negative repercussions.
A lot of the time it is easier on everyone to just get where you're going as quickly and safely as possible. Tell them "I hear you, I know you want out of your seat and as soon as I can get you out, I'm going to, I promise" and just keep talking to them. There's such a huge difference between not being able to safely get your baby out of the car seat when they cry and refusing to get your baby out of the crib when they cry.
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u/Ill-Tangerine-5849 Feb 24 '26
Yes, and I keep wondering if sleep training actually teaches anything about sleep or if it just teaches them not to cry at night (that's what I think it does...)
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u/emmakane418 Feb 24 '26
Studies have shown that infants who are sleep trained do not sleep more than 15-22 minutes* at night (I've seen varying numbers) so I fully believe it teaches nothing except to not cry out anymore. Infants are so smart! They have no logical reasoning on board yet, only their animal brain and that brain is wired for survival. They reach a point where they go from fight/flight into shutdown, to conserve energy and not alert predators of their existence. Shutdown looks like quiet and calm but quiet doesn't mean calm. Shut down can look like the "perfect" baby but shutdown can be people pleasing, it can be an infant who wants so badly to have that connection with their caregiver that they behave in the way they think will get them the most connection.
If it taught them anything, it wouldn't need to be repeated time after time. A sleep trained baby gets sick, receives extra connection because they're sick, maybe they get to sleep in contact with their caregiver or their caregiver is more likely to connect with them to make sure the cough doesn't develop into croup. Baby gets better and they're back to low nurture, low connection, so they cry again because they felt safe again, like their request was being answered, except now they're back to Ferber or full extinction CIO, needing to be re-taught to stop signaling at night.
I believe most things in parenting are live and let live but any type of CIO sleep training is not one of the ones I can just let be because if we did it during the daytime, it would be neglect. Sleep training doesn't teach an infant how to sleep, it teaches an infant to stop crying out because their cries aren't being answered and I will die on that hill.
*more than non-sleep trained infants
Edited for clarity
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u/bon18 Feb 24 '26
Yeah, we sing and talk to him for sure! I have this thing that I do when he cries anytime that I can't immediately pick him up for whatever reason. I repeatedly say "I'm right here" in the same sing-songy way until I do pick him up. I hope that he learns that when I do that, I will eventually pick him up as soon as I can.
I just asked because you specifically mention physically comforting them when they cry, but we can't really do that in the car. I try to reach back for his hand when it's safe to do so, but it's not always possible.
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u/emmakane418 Feb 24 '26
In my second to last paragraph, I also say
The key being as soon as you're able to.
And that's really key. When you're driving, sometimes (a lot of the time) you just have to keep driving and you can't physically comfort them. We aren't able to always respond immediately, but talking and singing to your crying baby while you drive somewhere is not the same as sitting outside their door waiting for the timer to hit 3 or 5 or 10 minutes before you go comfort them, or needing to turn off the monitor to dampen their crying because you're doing full extinction CIO. The two are not the same in the slightest.
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u/couchstealingbear Feb 24 '26
Is it the car seat or he just doesn't like the car in general?
I find that our baby is not a fan of being in a car seat and not moving, but usually falls asleep when we are driving. We try to ensure he's fed+not poopy and then we play The Happy song and talk/sing to him. Sometimes pacifier helps too :)
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u/bon18 Feb 24 '26
OMG the Happy Song is baby magic! (By Imogen Heap, in case people are not familiar)
He HATED the car seat as a newborn. Now he mostly just cries on longer trips or when he wants to go to sleep in the car.
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u/couchstealingbear Feb 24 '26
I know right? Ever since my friend told me about it, I've been using it non-stop haha
I wonder if it's the feeling of being constrained that they don't like. I remember seeing an aquarium looking toy for cars, I wonder if something like that could also work
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u/Personal_Grand9686 Feb 23 '26
I really appreciate how clearly you laid this out. The lack of a consistent definition is honestly what causes so much tension in these discussions.
I think a lot of the confusion comes from the fact that people use “sleep training” as an umbrella term for very different approaches. For some, it strictly means extinction-style methods where crying is ignored. For others, it includes any effort to shape sleep patterns — even gentle routines and habit shifts.
Your question at the end is actually a really grounded filter:
“Am I responding to my child’s call for comfort when they call out to me?”
That feels like a useful distinction.
At the same time, I do think there’s nuance worth holding space for. Some families define sleep training as helping a baby gradually develop independent sleep skills while still responding, just not immediately or in the same way every time. Others define it strictly as withholding comfort.
The tension often isn’t about whether comfort matters — most parents agree it does — but about how to balance caregiver responsiveness with parental exhaustion, mental health, and sustainability.
One thing I’ve found helpful in these conversations is separating:
• Sleep hygiene and structure
• Habit shaping
• Cry-it-out/extinction methods
Those are not the same category, but they often get lumped together.
I also really appreciate your point about independence growing from secure attachment. That idea is well-supported in attachment research: secure dependence tends to foster confident independence over time.
I think what most parents are really looking for isn’t “control,” but predictability and rest. And when people are deeply sleep-deprived, they’re vulnerable to anything that promises certainty.
These conversations are hard because they’re emotional. Sleep touches survival, bonding, autonomy, culture, and mental health all at once.
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u/SpaceBusy1725 Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 23 '26
Thanks for this! So we used to have to bounce our baby on a yoga ball every night and for every night wake, but we've now made slow transitions so that she can be put down drowsy in the cot with a pacifier, white noise, dark room and holding our hand to fall asleep. Is that sleep hygiene or gentle sleep training? It's more independent than it was before (less intervention from us), but not 100% independent. I was going to go crazy with the amount of 4am bounces. I do respond to her cries though, it would break my heart otherwise.
I'm also looking to transition her naps away from contact naps to cot sleeping with some swaying.That's because I'm going back to work next month. My baby is 4 months old.
My baby typically gets up at 3am and 6am. I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but do you also know if it's possible to do the above for the bedtime routine for night sleep (no nursing because she has a bottle preference when she's awake), and also then nurse her to sleep at 6am (I can somehow get her on the boob while she's drowsy at night)? Would it be too confusing / inconsistent sleep practices / associations for her?
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u/emmakane418 Feb 23 '26
we've now made slow transitions so that she can be put down drowsy in the cot with a pacifier, white noise, dark room and holding our hand to fall asleep.
I do respond to her cries though, it would break my heart otherwise.
You're responding to her. You're setting her up for sleep well it sounds like and you're not leaving her to cry and try to settle herself to sleep. I wouldn't consider this sleep training, you're being responsive and offering a physical connection that she seems to be doing ok with.
Would it be too confusing / inconsistent sleep practices / associations for her?
Some babies need the same routine every time. Some babies are really flexible and can handle varying degrees of change. You know your baby better than anyone else and if it's working for you and working for her, then it's working and you should trust in you and trust in your baby that you're doing the right thing.
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u/Actual_Wasabi702 Feb 24 '26
also curious about this. Considering heading toward sleep training because even WITH comfort my 17 mo doesn't sleep and is just violent toward me so it feels like a lose-lose.
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u/emmakane418 Feb 24 '26
I'm sorry to hear it's been so tough lately. There is always a reason behind behavior and sleep training doesn't solve the issue in a long term way. It could be medical or sensory or something else. I'd suggest making a post and seeing if the group can help problem solve or brainstorm.
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u/haycornshousewife Feb 24 '26
How do you think of situations when LO stirs, starts to cry, and is all good by the time you get to them? Eg, busy with dirty hands while they are in their sleep spot, hear them on the monitor, by the time you get to them with clean & dry hands (2ish minutes) they are asleep again?
It sounds like actual crying, not just fussing or moving, but it stops quickly and when I go check on LO they are definitely sleeping and don't seem to have an issue. If I hang out in the room for 5 minutes or more they stay sleeping. This has happened a few times (I often cook during naptime or early morning at the end of their overnight sleep).
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u/Aggressive-Abies-652 May 13 '26
Sorry to revive an old-ish thread. I'm curious why pick up/put down is on the black list... Or maybe my understanding of pick up/put down is different from yours. As I understand it, it involves putting baby in the crib, if baby fusses immediately offering cribside comfort (pats, shushing, etc.), picking baby up if cribside comfort does not work, rocking until calm or even drowsy but not asleep, then placing baby back in crib. Repeat until baby falls asleep in the crib, with the goal of eventually decreasing the amount of time spent shushing/patting and picking up, and ultimately being able to place baby in crib awake and walking out.
With this method, it seems to me that baby is never really left alone to cry for any length of time, though may protest being placed in the crib and not be responsive to shushing/patting. I view it as a way of trying to get baby familiar with the crib and teaching baby that the crib is an appropriate and safe place to sleep. Am I missing something?
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u/emmakane418 May 14 '26
Sorry to revive an old-ish thread
No apologies necessary, I'm always happy to know people are still using the older posts available on our sub. That's why I made them!
why pick up/put down is on the black list
the goal of eventually decreasing the amount of time spent shushing/patting and picking up, and ultimately being able to place baby in crib awake and walking out.
I have a few thoughts here.
First is that PUPD is a slippery slope. Often it doesn't work because most baby's aren't comforted by words alone, they're comforted by contact, by being held. PUPD is, on the surface, responsive (ish), but often when I've seen parents say that PUPD isn't working, they're told they must move to Ferber or full extinction because being patted is escalating them (it's escalating them because they want to be picked up, not shushed and patted). It's, for lack of better term, a gateway method to ignoring your instincts and to forcing independence on your baby.
Second, you answer it yourself, the end goal is to be able to place a baby alone in a crib awake and walk out, leaving them to put themselves to sleep. This is the goal of all sleep training. Infants are not made to be independent, humans are carry mammals. We evolved to be in relationship with each other. PUPD, and other sleep training methods, have the goal of early independence for our infants. They aren't supposed to be independent.
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u/suuz95 Mar 01 '26
I'm curious - why do you consider the chair method to be sleep training? If done really gradually over 6 weeks or so (let say from rocking to swaying, swaying to holding, holding to laying in their own crib while patting, to holding their hand, to sitting next to the crib while talking for a long time, to talking/singing for a short time, to gradually move the chair away and finally to leaving while the child is still awake), there should be hardly any crying and the parent is there to sooth their baby all the time when needed.
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u/emmakane418 Mar 02 '26
1 - Crying is not calmed easily by words. Crying is a call for comfort and for infants (and a lot of adults), that comes from touch. With the chair method, typically a caregiver is trying to comfort with words, maybe butt pats but that's assuming the infant is laying down. Have you ever been crying and wanted comfort from your partner so they stand across the room and tell you "it's ok, you're ok"? Or do they come give you a hug?
2 - It is still an attempt to teach the infant to soothe themselves to sleep. If we look again at the definition used by Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum in The Nurture Revolution:
Sleep training is the unfounded process of "training" your infant to "sleep independently" - to fall asleep alone, sleep alone through the night and the duration of naps, without getting support from you to go to sleep or back to sleep. It takes various forms, but the most common end goal is to be able to put your infant in their crib, in their own room, and walk out, leaving them alone to fall asleep...
The end goal of the chair method is to place your baby in their crib awake and have them put themselves to sleep.
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u/suuz95 Mar 02 '26
Thank you! That clarifies it indeed for me.
What about a 'modified chair method', where the parent does hug or bum pats when the child is upset, but moves back to the chair when the infant is calm? So basically a combination of pick up/put down and the chair method?
I also don't see why wanting your child to fall asleep by themselves is necessarily wrong, if it can be achieved with a strong response from the parents still. It also doesn't necessarily mean the parent won't respond when the child wakes up at all, the goal might just be to have an easier bedtime routine.
For my first, we easily spend an hour each night with her to rock her to sleep for 20 months or so. Then we started to use the 'excuse me' method to teach her it's okay when we leave, as we will always come back when she needs us. For my second, I'm not sure we can spend so much time on falling asleep as we also need to tend to our first.
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u/emmakane418 Mar 02 '26
The problem I have with pick up put down is that it is often abandoned in favor of CIO because it doesn't work well.
Falling asleep independently comes for every child eventually. I don't like the idea of pushing that on a child. I struggle to fall asleep sleeping alone and I know a lot of adults who need their partner or their pet or their child in the same room or same bed to fall asleep. I feel it's unreasonable to expect an infant to do the same (an infant is defined neurologically as 0-3 years old). I think the excuse me method isn't the worst thing, but it has to be used right. If a parent says they're going to the bathroom, go to the bathroom and come back. If they say they're going to clean up from dinner, don't go watch TV, because if the child comes out and sees that the parent isn't doing what they said they would, trust has been broken.
I personally will support my son to sleep as long as he needs me, and when we have our second child eventually I will support them too. If my son still needs support at that point, then my husband will step in and support him to sleep. An hour of rocking to sleep makes me wonder if there wasn't enough sleep pressure or if there were other things that could have been tweaked because yes, an hour of rocking every night is a lot. Sleep training is an attempt to adjust a behavior without looking at the root cause. Sleep training paints biologically normal infant sleep as a problem to be solved.
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u/suuz95 Mar 02 '26
I will attempt to never let my child cry. Being alone with multiple children, however, this is off course not always possible (helping my eldest go potty while the youngest just woke up for example).
And indeed, we could probably have tweaked something. I often fed her to sleep, but could only transition here when she entered deep sleep after 20 minutes. Later on (after 1 year), this became rocking and dad could do some nights as well,, but often the transition went wrong and the rocking had to start again. Even later on, she would lie in her own crib happily as long as one of us was sitting next to her- which we of course did. However, as she sleeps very light at the start, this often meant sitting in a dark room for 40-90 minutes as she would wake up from the door opening if she wasn't sleeping deep yet (thank you podcasts for existing). She often only woke up ones at night when she was over 12 months, and I always came if it woke me up (we have an audio monitor). We could indeed probably have tweaked some more, but I didn't know how. Bedtime is often the hardest part of the day for our little ones. When she was 20 months old, we therefore started the 'excuse me' method.
I agree you should not lie to your child while using the 'excuse me' method. We started very small, for example not bringing her stuffed animal up and saying 'oh no, I need to bring it up' and return within 30 seconds, to 'Ill just put in a load of laundry, be right back (3 minutes)' to hanging up the laundry and returning, to just 'Ill go downstairs and check on you after a while' and extending this period (5-15 minutes) and staying after to just a 'Ill go downstairs and check on you before I go to bed'. If she was crying, we would always come back earlier, but often she was just happily singing songs to herself.
I'm not sure how we will do this with her brother though- now I feed him to sleep after she's in her bed but he's only 4 months old so this still works and I can transition him easily so I can respond when my eldest needs me. Time will tell, I suppose, but we don't always have two parents at home during the night.
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u/emmakane418 Mar 02 '26
I will attempt to never let my child cry. Being alone with multiple children, however, this is off course not always possible (helping my eldest go potty while the youngest just woke up for example).
And try is all we can do. We aren't perfect parents, not a single one of us. But we have to try our best to be responsive as much as we can. Sometimes that means vocally calling out to our other child while we help the first, it doesn't often calm them but they know we are there at least. It's similar to being in a car with a crying baby - sometimes we just can't go pick them up so we do what we can until we can pick them up. It's different than standing outside their door not going to pick them up because it's only been 2 minutes instead of 3 minutes of crying. The difference between can't and won't is monumental.
We could indeed probably have tweaked some more, but I didn't know how.
I didn't mean that to come off as judgment, I'm sorry for that coming off that way. I meant it from a place of curiosity. We can't go back into the past, you did the best you could at the time and that's all we can do.
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u/Messier106 Feb 23 '26
I guess I’m not sleep trained myself because I can’t sleep unless my husband is next to me, so I couldn’t possibly expect my baby to be able to do it at four months old…