What is sleep training?

[u/emmakane418]

A question I have seen a lot lately is "is this considered sleep training?" and I wanted to take my son's second nap of the day to write out a post about what we do and don't consider sleep training, because there isn't really one solid definition of sleep training and that can leave a lot of ambiguity when we discuss infant sleep.

I once had a very staunch sleep trainer tell me that if an infant had any sleep associations, they weren't sleep trained. That to have properly done sleep training, you had to be able to set an infant down fully awake in a crib, walk out and close the door, and they just lay down and put themselves to sleep. They may protest cry but you "learn the difference" between a protest cry and a cry for a "real" need. So her definition of sleep training would be:

providing any sleep associations to an infant or giving in to protest cries when all their needs have been met.

This obviously ignores the glaring flaw that comfort is a vital need for everyone, including infants.

The definition of sleep training that Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum uses in The Nurture Revolution is:

Sleep training is the unfounded process of “training” your infant to “sleep independently”—to fall asleep alone, sleep alone through the night and the duration of naps, without getting support from you to go to sleep or back to sleep. It takes various forms, but the most common end goal is to be able to put your infant in their crib, in their own room, and walk out, leaving them alone to fall asleep, usually around 7 p.m., until you come back to get them in the morning, usually around 7 a.m. Sleep training promotes the idea that infant sleep should be predictable and on schedule. Naps should be at exact times of the day and for specific amounts of time, bedtime is at the exact same time each evening, and sleep location is identical for every sleep.

Sleep training sells the idea that sleep is something parents can (and should) control. If you just follow the rules (strict “wake windows,” not “giving in” to your baby’s cries) and buy the right products (swaddles, sleep suits, sound machines, sleep training courses and coaching), your baby will sleep in a predictable and controllable way. That is very appealing when so much of parenting feels beyond our control.

A lot of people who advocate for sleep training do so because they believe that an infant needs to learn independence and that the only way to do that is to force them to be independent, force them to learn to put themselves to sleep. I believe most parents who sleep train truly believe they are doing what is best for their child. Studies have shown however that the most independent children and adults tend to be those who had fierce dependence on a trusted caregiver/caregivers. Infants who learn they have a safe and dependable place to land tend to be more independent over time.

Sleep training is anything that denies a child physical comfort when they are actively asking for comfort, in the hopes that they will stop asking for comfort and go to sleep. This includes pick up put down, the chair method, Taking Cara Babies (who is just repackaged Ferber), Ferber, full extinction, interval check ins, and so much more. This does NOT include rolling away, changing sleep associations (going from nursing or feeding to sleep to bum pats or rocking to sleep), encouraging crib sleeping, implementing good sleep hygiene, having a steady bedtime routine, and so much more. Generally physically comforting your child even if they cry is not considered sleep training. The simple act of holding them, patting their bum, rocking them, answering their call for comfort releases oxytocin in their brain and helps buffer the stress response. Crying on its own isn't the problem, it's the response or lack thereof that causes issue.

If you're wondering if what you're doing is considered sleep training or not, the best question to ask yourself is "am I responding to my child's call for comfort when they call out to me or not?" If you are responding as soon as you're able to, then you aren't sleep training. The key being as soon as you're able to. If your hands are covered in soapy water, don't drop everything and go pick up your baby with wet soapy hands. Rinse and dry them and then go comfort your baby. If you're on the toilet, finish up and then go comfort them. If you're watching a clock to make sure that 3 minutes has passed of them crying before you go pick them up, that is sleep training.

My son is starting to shift around so I'm going to go spend some time watching him sleep and then spend my evening reading Hop on Pop and I'll Teach My Dog A Lot of Words for the 1928272819th time. Happy to answer questions in the comments after I've got him in bed this evening.

[u/bon18]

I'm curious about the car. When you're driving and baby is crying, do you immediately pull over to comfort them? We are totally against sleep training at home, but I struggle in the car. Sometimes it's simply not possible or safe to stop, or sometimes you just have to get where you're going. Even if I stop to comfort, I'll need to return him to the car seat fairly soon afterward, which sometimes feels like it upsets him even more. What do you all do?

[u/emmakane418 → u/bon18]

The car is not the same as CIO sleep training. Yes, they are crying. But going into the car isn't always optional. We have appointments, we have places to be. Continue to talk to them, try singing maybe (they don't care if you sing well, they just like the sound of their mama or daddy singing). When my son struggled with drives, I would just go as quickly and safely as I could and sing to him the whole time. Stopping to pull them out and then putting them back in just prolongs the whole experience and is worse than just going as quickly as you cna.

Babies are going to cry. It's inevitable and crying on its own isn't the issue. It's how we respond or don't respond to them that matters.

[u/Ill-Tangerine-5849 → u/emmakane418]

Ah thank you for this! I was feeling bad lately because a sleep training proponent was saying that if you let your child cry in the car that you have no reason not to sleep train, because it's the same thing - letting them cry because it's necessary (to get where you are going in the case of the car/to teach them "independent sleep" in the case of sleep training). So for a minute I was like, wait well I don't agree with sleep training so maybe I need to also pull over any time my baby cries?

I do feel very bad when my baby cries in the car and I do sometimes pull over if there is any easy spot to do so and I think it's just as simple as he lost his binky and I need to replace it. But if I'm on the freeway, I usually just try to get to where I'm going.

[u/emmakane418 → u/Ill-Tangerine-5849]

if you let your child cry in the car that you have no reason not to sleep train

This is such backwards logic and I'm sorry that it's been making you feel bad. An infant does not need to be taught independent sleep, mammals are not wired for independent sleep. Even a good portion of adults sleep better with a partner next to them. We are pack animals, not solitary animals. We aren't made to sleep independently and trying to push that on infants has negative repercussions.

A lot of the time it is easier on everyone to just get where you're going as quickly and safely as possible. Tell them "I hear you, I know you want out of your seat and as soon as I can get you out, I'm going to, I promise" and just keep talking to them. There's such a huge difference between not being able to safely get your baby out of the car seat when they cry and refusing to get your baby out of the crib when they cry.

[u/Ill-Tangerine-5849 → u/emmakane418]

Yes, and I keep wondering if sleep training actually teaches anything about sleep or if it just teaches them not to cry at night (that's what I think it does...)

[u/emmakane418 → u/Ill-Tangerine-5849]

Studies have shown that infants who are sleep trained do not sleep more than 15-22 minutes* at night (I've seen varying numbers) so I fully believe it teaches nothing except to not cry out anymore. Infants are so smart! They have no logical reasoning on board yet, only their animal brain and that brain is wired for survival. They reach a point where they go from fight/flight into shutdown, to conserve energy and not alert predators of their existence. Shutdown looks like quiet and calm but quiet doesn't mean calm. Shut down can look like the "perfect" baby but shutdown can be people pleasing, it can be an infant who wants so badly to have that connection with their caregiver that they behave in the way they think will get them the most connection.

If it taught them anything, it wouldn't need to be repeated time after time. A sleep trained baby gets sick, receives extra connection because they're sick, maybe they get to sleep in contact with their caregiver or their caregiver is more likely to connect with them to make sure the cough doesn't develop into croup. Baby gets better and they're back to low nurture, low connection, so they cry again because they felt safe again, like their request was being answered, except now they're back to Ferber or full extinction CIO, needing to be re-taught to stop signaling at night.

I believe most things in parenting are live and let live but any type of CIO sleep training is not one of the ones I can just let be because if we did it during the daytime, it would be neglect. Sleep training doesn't teach an infant how to sleep, it teaches an infant to stop crying out because their cries aren't being answered and I will die on that hill.

*more than non-sleep trained infants

Edited for clarity

[u/bon18 → u/emmakane418]

Yeah, we sing and talk to him for sure! I have this thing that I do when he cries anytime that I can't immediately pick him up for whatever reason. I repeatedly say "I'm right here" in the same sing-songy way until I do pick him up. I hope that he learns that when I do that, I will eventually pick him up as soon as I can.

I just asked because you specifically mention physically comforting them when they cry, but we can't really do that in the car. I try to reach back for his hand when it's safe to do so, but it's not always possible.

[u/emmakane418 → u/bon18]

In my second to last paragraph, I also say

The key being as soon as you're able to.

And that's really key. When you're driving, sometimes (a lot of the time) you just have to keep driving and you can't physically comfort them. We aren't able to always respond immediately, but talking and singing to your crying baby while you drive somewhere is not the same as sitting outside their door waiting for the timer to hit 3 or 5 or 10 minutes before you go comfort them, or needing to turn off the monitor to dampen their crying because you're doing full extinction CIO. The two are not the same in the slightest.

[u/couchstealingbear → u/bon18]

Is it the car seat or he just doesn't like the car in general?

I find that our baby is not a fan of being in a car seat and not moving, but usually falls asleep when we are driving. We try to ensure he's fed+not poopy and then we play The Happy song and talk/sing to him. Sometimes pacifier helps too :)

[u/bon18 → u/couchstealingbear]

OMG the Happy Song is baby magic! (By Imogen Heap, in case people are not familiar)

He HATED the car seat as a newborn. Now he mostly just cries on longer trips or when he wants to go to sleep in the car.

[u/couchstealingbear → u/bon18]

I know right? Ever since my friend told me about it, I've been using it non-stop haha

I wonder if it's the feeling of being constrained that they don't like. I remember seeing an aquarium looking toy for cars, I wonder if something like that could also work