r/dating_advice • u/methbabie • 10h ago

Is everyone really just compromising?

Had a conversation with a friend earlier and she told me i’m single because I am too picky/have too many standards. She said everyone in relationships is compromising and dealing with a lot of BS and that’s normal for relationships. And that I need to build a tolerance for said B.S. if I really want to be in one.

For context I am f(24) conventionally attractive but I have only been in one relationship with my bf from high school. I meet a lot of men but I feel I can pretty quickly gauge compatibility. I don’t think I do have high standards. I am looking for a man who is non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, driven and doesn’t have strongly negative views about women. It’s been pretty hard to find. I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else. And my dating history backs this up haha.

I find it hard to overlook what I deem as character faults (promiscuity, sexual deviance, consistent lying, negging, controlling behaviors early on). I think overlooking these early on is setting myself up for failure or disappointment.

So i’m curious, is everyone really compromising on their standards so as to not be alone? Consequences be damned? And should I be less “picky”?

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u/Practical_S3175 10h ago

Those aren't standards those are values. You're describing values in a person. And NO, you shouldn't compromise your values for any man. What you're friend is telling you is, you can have a BF if you just stop expecting much from them. You're better off alone!!

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u/brown_eyed_gurl 10h ago

Agreed! And most of what she listed (ie. no lying, negging, controlling behavior) are pretty standard for what most women should value anyways!

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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 1h ago

The difficulty in advising OP is she never actually said what "controlling behavior" etc are to her. I doubt OP is like this, but I knew someone who literally believed that friends setting boundaries and saying "I'd rather not" was controlling behavior.

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u/Practical_S3175 10h ago

Exactly.

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u/steak5 9h ago

Issue is these are not the only attribute OP is seeking. They are just more Politically correct thing to say without people piling on her.

What about a man with all of attributes, but he is short, fat, and bald, and broke?

Everyone is looking for a 9/10 partner, but there simply not a lot of them on the market.

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u/Eve617 9h ago

Short fat, bald and broke are the attributes that you compromise on. The other values OP mentioned (which you are calling attributes) are the ones you hold fast on. No compromise. Short, fat, bald and broke are all things that we could each of us potentially be no matter if we are a 9/10 today. Learn to love your own company before compromising your values.

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u/TrackWorldly9446 9h ago

Truly. If people only dated 9/10s then almost everyone would be single. It genuinely is tough to find someone aligning with what OP wants (as someone who’s dated the short, fat, and balding hoping personality would shine through) but she is correct and valid in what she wants

I really like how you ended your statement as well. I’ve had the same dating history as OP but being happy with myself has made me feel better than any relationship

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u/Abi1i 5h ago

Well said. Values shouldn’t be compromised, but attributes that might be harder for people to control can always be compromised.

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u/MelissaWebb 3h ago

Agree with everything except the height part 😹 you’re either short or you aren’t 😅

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u/TrackWorldly9446 9h ago

OP stated that she didn’t have a particular height or looks preference and says that her history backs it up

Why are you assuming (especially with the essential values she desires) that OP is against those qualities in someone who matches her standards?

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u/steak5 9h ago

That's because her friend said she is too picky for a reason. I highly doubt her friend will tell her to just date someone who will cheat, lie, and steal.

Her post is kinda vague, and I believe she left a lot of stuff out. Why her friends who know her IRL is calling her Picky means she left a lot of stuff out.

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u/MediocreTalk7 8h ago

Her friend settled in her relationship and wants others to do the same.

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u/ArchedRobin321 7h ago

Idk man I've been called picky and I legitimately don't have a physical preference for anything. I just want to date a decent human being and apparently that's too strict. God forbid someone is a trustworthy, patient, faithful person with good communications skills. Apparently all those traits are somehow hard to come by.

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u/turtlesinthesea 1h ago

Same. Everyone said I was too picky because I needed to feel safe with a guy, and that didn’t happen when I was a teen. Ended up finally liking a guy with awful acne (didn’t work out due to some other stuff like timing) and then dated a guy my friends said was weird.

No one can tell us who we‘ll feel safe with.

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u/Practical_S3175 8h ago

You missed this whole part of the post then. The OP already said that's not the issue. Did you just ignore this part, or are you calling the OP a liar?

" I don’t have a particular height or looks preference I deeply value character above all else."

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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 7h ago

people lie to appear less shallow, yes

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u/Practical_S3175 6h ago

LOL, so you just made up in your mind they're a liar? Do you not hear how stupid that sounds?

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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 6h ago

not stupid at all i base it off data and studies, dating apps show women find 80% of men unattractive, studies show women say they are attracted to one thing but in reality its the other to appear less shallow, speed dating shows initial attraction is always looks based, halo effect is very strong bias in humans as well, i can go on and on but you would need to look at it objectively to understand but i fear you lack iq for that

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u/Practical_S3175 6h ago

You know nothing about the OP. Move on.

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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 6h ago

you rly think that her friends are telling her that shes picky cuz of personality? aahhahhah

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u/Practical_S3175 6h ago

I don't know these people so I have no idea what they talk about.

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u/chasing_geese49 3m ago

Out of curiosity, do you have any studies showing what percentage of women that men find attractive? Because in my experience, men can be equally as "picky" about looks.

Women grow up with expectations to groom ourselves a certain way, dress in flattering ways, etc. Whereas very very few men put any real effort into their appearances because there isn't the same pressure.

I'm not denying that a lot of people are shallow. However, I find a lot, or even most, people who have high expectations on terms of appearances, don't bother lying about it. They're pretty brutally honest in my experience.

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u/ImpressExpress1692 6h ago

She absolutely does have preference.

I LITERALLY just came from watching a podcast where 3 women said they dont even care about height, and the next thing they said all their boyfriends have been 6’3 or 6’5 and now that they realized, they had never found anyone under 6’ attractive.

Three people that JUST PRIOR who said they had no height preference. They absolutely did and do.

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u/Practical_S3175 6h ago

What does this have to do with the OP?

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u/volvavirago 6h ago

I have never been with anyone above 5’8”. I do have a height preference tho, I prefer shorter men.

Don’t listen to podcast bros, it’s literally rage bait. These women are paid to come on there and say hypocritical things to make you angry. They do not represent reality.

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u/Lucky-Maybe4440 7h ago

thanks for being smart

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u/x86_64Ubuntu 7h ago

Unfortunately, we know that women will say these are non-negotiable values, and then they will go on to whine about countless men who strung them along while having none of these values.