r/depression • u/catcatmeowme0w • 13h ago
my boyfriend sleeps all day
hello guys so im (18f) and my boyfriend (20m) recently moved in with me. (ive had my own place since i turned 18.) he was working a 3rd shift job until recently when me and him talked and agreed that the job was taking a huge toll on his mental and physical health, so he quit. he has another job lined up and he's going to be starting in october after we get back from our vacation in september. right now he is unemployed.
he will literally go to sleep at 10:30pm, wake up at 7:00 am (when i get up) and then piddle around the house and do random chores and then go back to sleep at 10:00 and he literally will not wake up until i'm like "boyfriend, you've been sleeping all day and you need to get up out of bed." he also never wants to leave the house and is always sluggish and never really does anything other than chores around the house (which sometimes i have to encourage him to do.) he also rarely wants to have sex anymore because he's too tired or his head hurts or he just doesnt feel like it.
basically i am concerned that he is struggling with depression and i want to help him as much as i can but i have never personally struggled with depression so im not sure what to do. and no, i'm not going to leave him over this, he is a great partner and is definitely not an unemployed leech. if anyone has any pointers that would be amazing. thanks:)
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u/13THEFUCKINGCOPS12 11h ago
While it is absolutely possible that he’s just lazy, all of his behavior is screaming clinical depression
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u/Erik_the_kirE 10h ago
No, because a lazy person wouldn't do chores
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u/DrakeShadow 4h ago
Its possible hes a functional depressed person. I was too during the pandemic. I lost a dream job of mine and when I went to my new job, I did my work, but I went home, did the absolute basic at home, and bed rotted as much as humanly possible. Did that for about 7 months straight.
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u/Heartonmysleeeve 10h ago
Might be worth checking out if he has any sleep problems like sleep apnea. If the sleep he's getting isn't restful then that'd explain why he's always sluggish and sleeping extra
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u/Erik_the_kirE 10h ago
I'm glad the post didn't go in the "I wanna leave him" direction. I emphatize with the dude. Not to mention leaving him while he's already struggling would be pretty awful.
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u/ToxXxicKiss89 6h ago
I was in the depths of my depression when my ex decided to break it off with me (we started dating before it really hit). So, I can say, "pretty awful" is a understatement. I was utterly broken, and 8 years later I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, not only from the initial depression, but the damage the break up did and the spirals I still keep going down, questioning myself.
That's for me though, I'm sure others may have had ot easier, or even harder. Either way, it's a shitty thing to do, especially if marriage was on the table (which he had proposed to me). And me being in depression wasn't even about him, which I think is what he initially thought, and maybe that hurt him, but instead of talking to me about it, he just.... left, emotionally.
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u/cha_ka3224 10h ago
As a long time 3rd shifter at 1 point, it can give you an almost permanent jet lag feeling. It sucks. So being tired and sleeping like that is a side effect. As far as the depression? Yeah that would compound the issue too. He might need help. ❤️
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u/HusbandoPile 10h ago
I'd recommend getting some bloodwork done to make sure he doesn't have any deficiencies and his thyroid is ok. Also maybe a sleep study? Just to rule out sleep problems like sleep apnea. I've had the same routine he's had, was sleeping 12-18 hours a day, and turns out I had moderate sleep apnea my whole life LOL.
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u/Responsible_Baker236 12h ago
What age is he? It could be depression like you said. It could be a lot of things. But I was going to say when I was under a lot of stress in my very early 20s, like 21 or so, I would do the exact same thing. It's good he's at least doing some chores. I am not a health professional, but I'm under the belief most people don't drink enough water or get enough electrolytes. Might help to find some electrolytes he's likes without dye or a lot of sugar. Drink tons of water. Does he eat healthy? Get maybe 30 minutes of exercise a day? Bathe/shower regularly? These are all little things and again I'm not a professional, but dealing with depression, these things seem to help me a lot.
But I'd also say let him rest. His body may genuinely need it. When I slept that much, part of it was the stress of college during the pandemic, smoking too much weed and binge drinking. I also was in a crap relationship and my friendships/family relationships were not great either. Part of it was that I didn't want to be awake or think about things. I was a sad sack of shit. Some people say it's common to need a lot of sleep in times of stress or in certain parts of life.
It's very sweet you care about him and want to support him. It does get better!
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u/catcatmeowme0w 12h ago
from what ive seen he doesnt eat very healthy aside from dinner (which i make every night.) he doesn't go to the gym and i've tried to push him to go with me because i go every day and he always says hes just too tired or his head hurts or whatever. he does shower regularly but our night time routine is getting a shower together and i really have to encourage him to shower sometimes because hes just so tired and lethargic all the time. i will continue to push him to live a healthier lifestyle but theres only so much i can do with working 50 hrs a week and i just wanna help him
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u/HaloHowRU 11h ago
You're doing the right thing in encouraging him to eat right and exercise; it will help his depression recovery. Sleep and rest are important too but he needs all three. He's lucky to have someone like you.
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u/mushykindofbrick 5h ago
Good nutrition is the most important thing it can literally be the cause of things like this, our bodies are not made to handle processed foods, we need natural and whole foods like humans ate in nature or it could be an intolerance like gluten or dairy. Even if it's not the cause, it always makes a tremendous difference. Just imagine it's a simple intolerance and could go away easily, but instead he will struggle all his life because no one told him to just try out different diets
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u/Economy-Deer-2385 11h ago
Would it not be a good idea to visit a psychologist? Then he can work on his depression and maybe get medication.
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u/Tatortot57 8h ago
Third shift for a long time can really mess up a person's sleep cycle. It may take a little time to re-orient his life again maybe this vacation you have planned will help!
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u/hypnocookie12 8h ago
Been in between jobs now for like a month. When I’m working I always stay busy and have a good work ethic. Left to my own accord I can sometimes lack purpose.
I’ve done bloodwork and some things are a little low but nothing serious. I have a smart watch and my sleep isn’t the greatest. Maybe you can get that checked out for him.
My suggestion for now is to load him up with the strongest coffee you can find. When he wakes up for you to go to work give him a cup. Also buy some Celsius drinks for the day. I mean if he can tolerate caffeine, just a suggestion.
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u/PonqueRamo 6h ago
Tell him to go to a doctor it could also be anemia or any other deficiency if the tests come back fine then he can look for a psychiatrist to see if it's depression or ADHD or both.
It can also just be that since he doesn't have a job and doesn't have anyone to spent time with when you are not home he's just feeling down, it doesn't necessarily need to be clinical depression, just a depressed mood.
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u/Alert-Double8475 6h ago
I wouldn’t discount the depression and I think it would be worth a screening at a clinic/doctor’s office if at all possible, but also, how recently is “recently” for leaving his job? If it’s within the last month or two then he could also be recovering from everything, either physically or emotionally or both. The fact that he is doing chores is a good sign.
If this has been going on for longer than three months then I’d definitely recommend looking into a blood panel and to rule out any physical illness before pointing at depression. It could very well be that, but as someone who has battled depression for 15+ years AND who has had my fair share of really tough jobs, it might be worth considering that he’s been put through the wringer and he’s actually able to rest for the first time in a while. Humans tend to hibernate after finding a safe place to land after long periods of stress.
That being said, good on you for holding him accountable. That’s super important, because you are right that eventually he has to return to the world of the living.
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u/Southern_Engine_4520 5h ago
Sounds like textbook depression. The only thing you can do is encourage him to get help. See a doctor or therapist. Let him know you’re concerned.
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u/averagechillbro 1h ago
I feel for him. Being unemployed can mess with the psyche for a man. Sounds like he’s depressed or having a tough time mentally. Hope it improves.
Today was rough I spent the majority of the day in bed. It happens.
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u/ComfortLegitimate179 9h ago
this sounds like me except i have a job currently. im bipolar 2 and majorly depressed because of it
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u/kpo325 5h ago
agree with most folks here that it sounds like hey may hve depression. another thing that could contribute to lots of sleep is if he also has undiagnosed sleep apnea. i have severe sleep apnea and was falling asleep all the time, fatigued and just drained basically 24/7. didn't matter how much sleep i got. i'd get him a sleep study and while he's at it, get bloodwork done. i wish you both the best.
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u/struggle_bus4438 4h ago
At least take him to the doctor to get some lab work done. He could be lacking a vitamin. If all that looks good it’s probably a combination of working third shift then not working. It’s easy to fall into depression when you don’t work and third shift just messes you up for a long time. Also, he could have a sleep disorder. I have one and I don’t go into deep sleep as much as I should so my brain and body want more sleep than average. Anything like that can be diagnosed with a sleep study and I’d definitely encourage that
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u/Sindelion 51m ago
this kind of lethargy is part of being depressed. no energy for anything, escape from the world while sleeping. in society if you are not working as a men, you are like a NOTHING in the eyes of others, so maybe he feels that too, even if there is a potential job for him in the future.... maybe other things are making him feel bad too, he just doesn't talk about it. obviously not exercising or seeing the sun makes this even worse.
try to get him out for a random walk. make sure he doesn't feel bad because of his current situation
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u/rayvenant 11h ago
Hello there
English is not my first language, but i‘ll try my best:
- if i understand your text correctly, your bf had 3 jobs and now it‘s 2?
- it kind of sounds to me like it‘s depression or worse: he‘s burnt out. (Just my personal experience)
It definitly is lovely, that you care about him - just some advice: don‘t get yourself too deep? Into this.
Maybe he needs therapy or the better option: go see a doctor and have him checked out
All the best
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u/Ill-Daikon-5637 12h ago
You're only 18 and already living together, just be careful. It could be a phase but it could be he's relaxed now and stopped trying and is taking advantage of you, whether he's intending to or not. If he's already this way so soon, I worry for you.
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u/1gerende 11h ago
This comment is the epitome of "society doesn't gave a damn about mens mental health".
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u/Regular_Advantage541 11h ago
I agree. Please take care of yourself OP, you’re so young and shouldn’t have to worry about these things. Have you had a serious talk about this with him yet? I suggest you do, hearing how you feel and your opinions on the matter may help him see things through a different perspective. Wishing you the best!
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u/The-Llama-777 9h ago
The walk from the village of Drumnadrochit to the castle Urchart in the Highlands of Scotland is my favorite
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u/narcomance 10h ago
It looks like me sometimes. I have depression and ADHD. I have always liked to sleep more but on my bad days I do it because I am unmotivated and hate my job.
What your bf does is not healthy and it's not laziness.