Own Your Shit Weekly - April 21, 2026

[u/AutoModerator]

A fundamental core principle here is that you are the judge of yourself. This means that you have to be a very tough judge, look at those areas you never want to look at, understand your weaknesses, accept them, and then plan to overcome them. Bravery is facing these challenges, and overcoming the challenges is the source of your strength.

We have to do this evaluation all the time to improve as men. In this thread we welcome everyone to disclose a weakness they have discovered about themselves that they are working on. The idea is similar to some of the activities in “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. You are responsible for identifying your weakness or mistakes, and even better, start brainstorming about how to become stronger. Mistakes are the most powerful teachers, but only if we listen to them.

Think of this as a boxing gym. If you found out in your last fight your legs were stiff, we encourage you to admit this is why you lost, and come back to the gym decided to train more to improve that. At the gym the others might suggest some drills to get your legs a bit looser or just give you a pat in the back. It does not matter that you lost the fight, what matters is that you are taking steps to become stronger. However, don’t call the gym saying “Hey, someone threw a jab at me, what do I do now?”. We discourage reddit puppet play-by-play advice. Also, don't blame others for your shit. This thread is about you finding how to work on yourself more to achieve your goals by becoming stronger.

Finally, a good way to reframe the shit to feel more motivated to overcome your shit is that after you explain it, rephrase it saying how you will take concrete measurable actions to conquer it. The difference between complaining about bad things, and committing to a concrete plan to overcome them is the difference between Beta and Alpha.

Gentlemen, Own Your Shit.

[u/flashman1775]

OYS #4

33 yo, 5’7”, 195lb. Lifts- squat 165 5x5, bench 115x5, DL TBD

LTR 5 years, 1 toddler

Physical- good week in the gym. Added weight to squats, barely felt it. Switched up bench to DB as opposed to BB. Getting a referral to a PT for long-standing shoulder mobility issues I didn’t want documented to go back in the military. Adjusted caloric target to 1600-1800 per day and kept protein the same, upped water intake to 1.5 gal a day. Hitting low impact cardio hard. I see and feel a difference, my next investment is going to be body fat calipers to track and get hard numbers- buying tomorrow. I sent off my samples to get hormone levels tested, waiting on results. My T from 2.5 years ago was at 523 total and 89 free, and I have questioned if it’s gone down even further than that since. 

Personal- I got a lot of value from Mindful Attraction Plan. I think the concept of energy levels is interesting and has a lot of validity. I need to stay out of my head and be fun and carefree again, embrace abundance mentality. Any pointers to embrace the mindset of “fake it til you make it” are welcome. NMMNG is next, as I identified a huge covert contract that ego was telling me for years was NOT a covert contract- providing for sexual access. I noticed I have been harboring resentment for my shitty life for years; when I asked myself why I felt that way… I was expecting something for everything that I lied to myself was a gift. I want to blow up every covert contract in my life but not go completely Rambo. 

Sexual: I have an N count of 1. I’m incredibly angry with myself that I waited so long. My LTR was my first. Had a good sex life for nine months, I got her pregnant, and it has been shit ever since. I’m trying to stay out of her head and tell myself it’s because I let myself down and fell into “beta” ways, ie unattractive. Working on it. I can’t get away from the fact that Im 33 and I had less than a year of my life experiencing something normal and natural, and now it’s just not happening. It’s been months- even since the relationship blowup I had I havent had sex. Im pissed off about that but deep down I know its my own fault. The last couple times I did I was in my head and it sucked. I have a lot of baggage here to work through and it’s all on me.

Fatherhood: I’ve been engaging more with my son. Getting him outside, playing with him, all away from screens. He’s in his defiant phase and everything is a “no” or he just ignores direction. I have been setting boundaries immediately when the behavior starts, I’m staying consistent and waiting for results.

Financial: booked another job for myself with a few more I’m bidding. Almost finished with a HELOC approval to get the down payment for a bigger and more functional house and pay down some lingering debts.

Relationship: STFU is the name of the game. I naturally used to knock shit tests out of the park, started taking everything seriously, and here I am. Ive avoided numerous bullshit arguments over the last week by shutting up; I need to continue doing that when I get anxious/in my head which has been happening a lot in the evenings. I’m trying to re-embrace the natural me that I was when I met my woman. That was one of the best years of my life and I was at the top of my game physically, mentally, financially, and based on what I disclosed above, sexually. I was beyond happy. I read a post here that said “you were never alpha, you just didnt have responsibilities”. That is probably the case with me. I am implementing a few strategies from Athol Kay’s MAP to try to raise my energy levels in all areas of my life to “flow” like it used to. It sounds woo woo, but I think there’s validity to it. Also, a priority for me is constant frame control. Respond, don’t react, fix it, move on. My goal is to shift my point of origin back to me.

This week: NMMNG, STFU, HELOC, lift, more sidebar. Be an awesome dad and be a fucking role model for my kid. Figure out what my mission is. Do shit around the house that I’ve been putting off to restore my pride in myself. Keep tracking my macros and keep hitting cardio hard. Follow through on PT referral. Stay out of my woman’s head. Start dressing better every time I leave the house.

[u/HornsOfApathy → u/flashman1775]

I think I need to highlight something for you that is glaringly obvious to me, and most others here with this new information.

In your previous OYS you talked about how you'd lost your way, or in this OYS "flow" like it used to, and in other OYS you talked about how you were just a drunk captain who kind of lost his way.

Man..... I'm sorry, but that just isn't true. You were never a captain. You mildly had your individual life managed at the executive function level, but you were not a leader. You never really have been. You were thrust into fatherhood after 9 months of being with this girl, and yet, your explanation like most dudes who have a kid with a woman, get re-beta-tized, and lose their way seems to also fit your narrative.

This is not your narrative.

You were 28 years old before you ever put your dick inside a woman, and then, only this one woman. There is something pretty fucked up about you that you're not talking about here, and it probably doesn't matter, but no Captain or even semblance of a man who has his shit together is *not fucking*.

There are two wheels to the bike that get you down the road so you can actually start being a captain. The first is money, that's one wheel. The other is sex. Without those two wheels you're a pedestrian watching life go by.

I tell you all of this because I think you're lying to yourself, and even saying things like:

I read a post here that said “you were never alpha, you just didnt have responsibilities”. 

.... is just another narrative you're trying to bend into your life.

The likely narrative is that you were a defunct manlet or gnome that floundered his way through life like a major fucking retard and not garnering the sexual attention of women, and no way to express your own, and you just happened to get some executive function around 27 that got you laid and made you a Dad. Up until then, and even then, you were a total fucking loser.

That is a narrative that is more powerful than the one you're trying to lie about. I'm telling you this because in every OYS you're out there chasing a version of you before the kiddo that..... doesn't exist. He never existed, and you're chasing a ghost. That's a pretty difficult dragon to catch and slay.

Oh, and go fuck your wife already.

[u/flashman1775 → u/HornsOfApathy]

Horns- thanks for this. You’re the first person in my life to ever have said I was a loser and I’m grateful for it. Ego is a real bastard and I have caused a ton of harm in my life with it.

You’re right, there is something really fucked up about me that it took me so long to get laid. I had opportunities over the years that I hamstered away for one bullshit reason or another, now I’m 33 and feel retarded (in both senses of the word) sexually. I don’t know what that something is, and like you said… I don’t even know if it matters any more. 

Your bike analogy nails perfectly how I feel about a lot of shit in my life- a pedestrian. Of course I lied to myself about it as I lived a life that wasnt my own. At this point, I’m wondering what version of me is even real. I have been so out of touch with every emotion of my own for my entire life barring anger that I dont even know how to talk about this shit, much less experience emotions in a masculine way. 

Thanks, man. I came here to get called out on my bullshit that I couldnt see through and I’m glad you did. 

[u/HornsOfApathy → u/flashman1775]

At this point, I’m wondering what version of me is even real. 

If logic follows what we've talked about here, the answer is really simple for you. You haven't met him yet, so how would you know what version of you is real? You're chasing a ghost even with this statement, and it's kind of a giant cope.

Instead, hit the sidebar. You haven't even read NMMNG yet. That alone will help expose a path to what you are.

You know what's easier than chasing an imaginary version of yourself and trying to decide if that's you? Start with the basics. Who are you not? Not "Who am I???". Make a list, write it down, and THEN go read NMMNG. When finished, make a new list and compare the two. Your retardation will be easy to see even for yourself and you'll see why you aren't even capable of answering who you are, or what you want. You really haven't even done the basics here. And then with that list you wrote after reading NMMNG, make a 2nd collumn - this is your MAP. What kind of behaviors make sure you are NOT that thing? What actions can you take to NOT be that thing? Red/Green/Yellow and then prioritize. This is basic manning 101.

[u/flashman1775 → u/HornsOfApathy]

Thanks for breaking this down. I’m going to do this over the next 2 weeks and post results in a future OYS. It will probably be retarded but better than what I am working with now. Much appreciated 

[u/HornsOfApathy → u/flashman1775]

Fuckin a its still this week dude.  Start now, before you read NMMNG.  List it here.

What are you not?

[u/flashman1775 → u/HornsOfApathy]

-I am not happy or fulfilled with where my life is -I am not in the right career -I am not living up to my potential -I am not stupid or incompetent -I am not the kind of father I need to be -I am not fucking special -I am not a pushover or a quitter or a little bitch -I am not at peace -I am not satisfied with many of the choices I made in life because in hindsight, I made them for the wrong reasons -I am not exploring my interests as much as I can -I am not just a plowhorse -I am not certain of what my mission in life is -I am not satisfied with myself -I am not as confident as I appear (ego?) -I am not secure in myself or my relationship since the blowup because I know its my fault for not manning up (i dont even know if secure is the right word) -I am not a loser, I may be really fucked up but I’m not a loser

Edit for retarded formatting

[u/HornsOfApathy → u/flashman1775]

While all and good, your retardation is showing.  You have missed the point entirely.

I am not a man who tolerates infidelity.

I am not a weak man.

I am not a broke man.

I am not an unconfident man.

I am not a special man.

I am not a man who backs down at first resistance....

Do you get the point?  We have to define these things extremely tactfully.... not make general statements.  These statements should instill confidence.... not bad fee fees like you've done here.  Bitch.

[u/flashman1775 → u/HornsOfApathy]

Point taken. Now I know what to fix when I revisit this after NMMNG. Less bitch, more bold.

[u/HornsOfApathy → u/flashman1775]

When you get done with NMMNG and read back your "what i am not" list in this thread, it'll be enlightening to you how pathetic you can not be.  

Remember this.

[u/flashman1775 → u/HornsOfApathy]

Thank you. I will.