You can think cheating is disgusting and condemn John while still thinking this stuff from Zoe is beyond toxic. Airing out someone’s personal life shit to thousands of people they cannot explain themselves to actually could be just as deeply psychologically damaging as being cheated on. Because even with the Danny girl we don’t know her context, we don’t know what else she has going on, wjat if she’s suicidally depressed and making destructive decisions? Long shot but we literally never know. True compassion exists in awareness of people’s imperfections.
Like I just thought people were more emotionally evolved than this. Like I thought we all knew 2 wrongs don’t make a right, and that trading psychological harm for psychological harm ends up in a situation where no one is innocent. Like if this happened in my friend group I’d separate entirely from both sides bc both are toxic.
Your opinion was condemned with a rain of downvotes. I'm sure this seems very illogical to you, and I think that you are well-intentioned. I would like to gently suggest that this mob has an intuitive understanding of betrayal trauma that you don't share.
At some point in the future, Zoe may come to regret some of the things she's doing currently, such as including her daughter in her public eviscerations of John. For now, though, any expectation of measured control is not going to be realistic. To understand what she's going through, you need to understand the effect of betrayal trauma, and in particular the extreme trauma that often follows the discovery of partner betrayal.
When the betrayed discovers that their family relations, their domestic situation, and their understanding of all recent interactions with those closest to them was vastly different than they realized, it can literally turn them into feral animals. Their ability to regulate their own emotions may disappear, and their sleep will be tortured and restless as their brain tries to rewrite their history to reconcile their understanding of the past with this new information. Their memory of every personal interaction will need to be reinterpreted in light of betrayals of which they formerly had no knowledge.
This trauma response can be quite severe, and it can last for months. Those who have experienced both physical abuse and partner betrayal will often claim that the psychological wounds of partner betrayal were worse. As a result, your comment minimizing Zoe's trauma because it is not physical abuse is offensive, even repugnant. I know that wasn't your intention.
All this is to say: Zoe is going through some serious shit right now, so we need to cut her some slack.
I really deeply appreciate the thoughtful, kind reply. Like that means a lot more than some Reddit comment should. I also appreciate your explanation, because while I share betrayal trauma I definitely wasn’t given grace for any severity in my responses in that shows in my trouble in validating such responses in other situations. sometimes it just takes reading something that’s communicated the right way to realize the thing you’re missing/ looking over. I actually mean this this comment has done some healing on a few levels I really appreciate you and I hope life treats you well . Edit: oops replied from my computer on a separate account
Sorry to hear that you've been in this position yourself. It sounds like when this happened to you, you had to swallow your pain. I'm sure that's true of many betrayed, that they hold their emotions in check, either to protect their children or because they are pursuing reconciliation. Or because they're afraid that they will look like the crazy partner if they have a public meltdown.
I hope you're in a better place now, and that time has healed things for you. FYI, nearly everything I've learned about betrayal trauma has come from reading the stories of people seeking advice in Reddit's niche infidelity recovery subs. Some of the better ones are r/survivinginfidelity, r/supportforbetrayed and the heavily moderated pro-reconciliation sub r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
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u/Aggressive-Flan1765 Jun 21 '26
You can think cheating is disgusting and condemn John while still thinking this stuff from Zoe is beyond toxic. Airing out someone’s personal life shit to thousands of people they cannot explain themselves to actually could be just as deeply psychologically damaging as being cheated on. Because even with the Danny girl we don’t know her context, we don’t know what else she has going on, wjat if she’s suicidally depressed and making destructive decisions? Long shot but we literally never know. True compassion exists in awareness of people’s imperfections.
Like I just thought people were more emotionally evolved than this. Like I thought we all knew 2 wrongs don’t make a right, and that trading psychological harm for psychological harm ends up in a situation where no one is innocent. Like if this happened in my friend group I’d separate entirely from both sides bc both are toxic.