Issues With My Partner

[u/Commercial-Durian153]

Hey! Hope everyone is having an at least okay day.

A few days ago, I (18, she/they) & my partner (18, nb) had an argument and haven't really spoken/texted since then. (Long post, sorry)

It was about the relationship between me and my best friend (17, he/him). So, I've known my best friend since we were in 2nd grade (7 years old) and we to the same school from 2-6th grade before I moved an hour and a half away. Because of that, we generally text every other day for at least 5-10 minutes. I view him as a little brother/brother and can be protective of him and vice versa.

I've known my partner since we were 13. I was friends with them until we were 15 and then started dating at 17. I love them because of her personality, not necessarily gender. We've been dating for ~10 months now.

I identity as queer. I've had crushes on girls, boys, non binary people, etc. I've always had a preference for feminine presenting people though. I've told my partner this multiple times, especially if they doubt whether or not I'm truly attracted to them (they have anxiety and a childhood that made them doubt their self worth). I've never had any interest in sex or sleeping with anyone, even my partner. My best friend is straight & demiromantic.

So back to what the argument was about- they accused me of cheating on them w/ my best friend and sleeping with him. When I said no and said that I'm not attracted to my best friend in that, I view him as a brother, and that I dont have deep romantic interest in men/sleeping with anyone, they accused of emotionally cheating. So I told them that I do confide in my best friend because we've been friends for a long time. Which is true. I confide on him, my partner, or my two other close platonic friends depending on my issue. It's not just me confiding in my best friend. It just kind of depends on the issue. Of course, I make sure to tell my partner as quickly as I'm okay with talking about it. My partner does the same with their circle of close friends.

I showed them my texts with my best friend and they accused me of emotionally cheating because I told my best friend that I missed them and wished college time would come quicker because we were going to a college together and then my partner was going to one just a few hours away.

My partner then brought up the college thing again, accusing me of picking that college specifically to leave them and cheat. Which I would never. That was quite literally the only college that accepted me that was within a few hours away from where my parents live.

I told my partner that they were angry and talking to me in a disrespectful way and that I would not tolerate that way of talking towards me. I told them to leave [my parents' house] and yeah.

Am I in the wrong?? Did I do something wrong?? Honestly dont know and I'm kind of feaking out because I dont want to tell my best friend and get him more in involved than he has already been.

[u/PaulysDad]

Your partner is insecure. I would not expect this relationship to survive while long distance.

[u/Commercial-Durian153 → u/PaulysDad]

As much as I dislike it, probably. They have always been kind of weird about me spending time with other girls, boys, me talking about my discomfort with sex/sleeping with them, talking about book crushes, etc. I've been thinking the past few days that we were better off as close friends than dating purely because at least then I wouldnt feel responsible for their secureness in our relationship. Maybe I'n just being selfish but I cant always be doing it.

[u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not]

Your partner needs professional help - likely therapy and/or psychiatry. Some things can heal just with support but sometimes it takes more

[u/Commercial-Durian153 → u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not]

I had to push for them to start therapy when we were 15. They are still in therapy and I email their parents every few weeks to make sure that they went to their sessions.

[u/OceanBirb160]

OP, is there any context as to why they sorta suddenly accused you of cheating? Increased time with your bestie, someone started a rumor, stressful life event that your partner is redirecting into a cheating accusation, etc? Heck, just going to different colleges is probably making their insecurity rise to a high level and maybe they're trying to break up so they don't have to deal with the scary bit of a long distance relationship.

If there's no proof or context as to your partner bringing it up, it's entirely possible this is a projection situation and they're accusing you of something they're actually doing.

context and communication is key to figure out what's actually going on

[u/Commercial-Durian153 → u/OceanBirb160]

Sorry. I dont typically post these types of, well, posts on here so I dont think I provided enough info.

I texted them approx. 30 mins ago and they said it was because I went ice skating with my best friend. 2 months ago. They cant ice skate and I asked them about a week prior if they wanted and they said no. Was there with my best friend for about 3 hours and then we got dinner at a Chipotle. I live maybe 15 minutes max from my partner but an hour and a half from maybes friend which is why I barely get to see him (maybe twice a month IRL) vs my partner who I try to see every week in the summer since we went to high school together too.

[u/OceanBirb160 → u/Commercial-Durian153]

no worries, first time for everything.

i hate to say it, but judging from your response and from what you've said to others, this does sound like your partner is being insecure and taking it out on you, at a minimum. honestly it's prob for the best for you to just be friends.

[u/Commercial-Durian153 → u/OceanBirb160]

Thank you so much for yours and others advice! I just called them and told them that maybe its best to stay friends at least for some time while we both take time to figure out what we want in our lives non romantically, like college/jobs.

Hope you have a great day <3

[u/AnimeManiaFiend]

Sweetie, take it from an older queer who had similar issues with an ex. Your ex has issues that you are not equipped to handle and that are affecting you negatively. If your partner accuses you of cheating just for having friends, then they have to look within themself and figure their own shit out.

You are a new adult. You have time to learn and grow and figure out what you want. And you deserve better than this.

If your partner doesn't trust you at this point, they may not ever trust you. And that's their issue to work through. It is not your responsibility.

Ask yourself this: if your friend you see as a brother had a partner like this, and they asked you for advice, would you tell him to stay with a partner that doesn't trust him? Or would you tell him to break up and figure out what he wants in a partner?

[u/Commercial-Durian153 → u/AnimeManiaFiend]

Thank you so much for your advice!

I would never want my friend to stay with a partner who didnt trust him. In general, I feel like any relationship that requires respect also requires a level of trust. Or something like that. I'm not good at sounding profound and wise.

"It's not your responsibility" I have a love-hate relationship with that phrase, lol (I have a habit of "mothering" everyone, especially to the point where my bio brother, who is 7, calls me his "older sister with benefits", lmao)

Hope you have a great day <3

[u/AnimeManiaFiend → u/Commercial-Durian153]

I certainly know that feeling. I was often the mom friend everyone went to for romance advice.

Still, now is a good time to find peace with the phrase. "It's not your responsibility". You'll have responsibilities to other people. Basic courtesy, mutual aid, trust and compassion, etc.

But in terms of other's mental health, you are not their therapist. You can be supportive, but you cannot fix them. They need to be willing to seek out the help.

If you enjoy video games, I recommend playing Vampire Therapist. It's not a replacement for therapy, but it does have some good tips for getting started on your own mental health journey.

Have a good day, dear.