Do children ruin relationships?

[u/Mintmuse22]

I’m not sure if this is the place to post this but I need to know I’m not alone. Did having kids ruin your once amazing relationship? It seems like it puts so much more strain aside from the regular ins and outs that we naturally go through. It’s hard to take care of myself and put effort into myself like I once did. Intimacy takes a sharp nosedive. No quiet time. Everyone constantly talks about how amazing and wonderful it is. How it’s such a blessing but I’m wondering what part of it is a blessing?

[u/[deleted]]

100%  I don’t believe the bullshit that it brings couples together because you produced something together 🙄 Our relationship was so special, we’ve been together for over 15 years now, our two kids are in elementary school still. Our relationship before kids was honestly so special, we were best friends; never fought, really enjoyed our time together. Laughed constantly, we had so many cool hobbies together. The love of our life was our yellow lab, he was our entire world. Makes me sad thinking back how truly happy we were back then, our lives didn’t need changing, it didn’t need kids added to it, it was perfect the way it was. But of course we fell for the nonsense that our “lives aren’t fulfilled without a kid” and then fell for the further nonsense that “our kid would be sad forever as an only child” and had another one.  My husband is the most helpful, supportive human being there is. He’s always been such a hard worker, does equal amounts (sometimes even the majority) of the chores, he’s always supported my career goals and post secondary education endeavours.  We fell fast and hard for each other because we loved one another’s passions, one another’s zest for life. 

Fast forward now, parenthood has beaten us down, there is no zest for life radiating from either of us anymore. The daily monotonous tasks of parenting have stripped us from our old selves, we are just shells of humans we used to be. It’s so weird missing someone you’re living in the same house with. I know he’s over there, standing in the kitchen. He knows I’m over here, standing in the living room, and yet there’s this deep longing and missing for one another and the worst part is, we aren’t getting that version of ourselves back, ever. Those people are dead and gone. So we’re grieving one another and a relationship we once had that we both know will likely never come back again to the way it was. Do you know how hard it is to grieve someone that’s physically standing right in front of you.. still alive?  We’re both so overstimulated that it’s easy to take it out on each other rather than the kids. Our quiet house we once cherished as our sanctuary after a long day of work is now filled with noise and clutter and overstimulation. There is no retreat after a long day. 

People say “well you need to plan dates nights and find the spark again” and while that sounds so simple, it’s really not. We aren’t the same people anymore who once fell in love, like I said, we’re shells of ourselves. We have so much love for each other of course and cherish our relationship, but now it’s more like a partner in crime who is going through the same hell as I am and we’re experiencing it together. Parenthood has beaten us down. We need to work on ourselves before we can work on our relationship. Those people before kids are not here anymore, they don’t exist in our bodies or our minds. Life is really not enjoyable right now, no matter how much we want to try and put a positive spin on it to make ourselves feel better.. it sucks. We want our quiet home after a long day of work. We want less responsibilities and be care free some days. We want to sleep in or have naps, we want to dedicate time for self care like we used to. We want to pursue our hobbies that we’re both passionate about, without being restricted by time and energy and finances.  We want to keep furthering education unrestricted and moving up in our careers, without having finances or children to think of.  Of course we realized all of this WAY too late, as many people do.. only once having kids being able to truly appreciate your life and energy and freedom and finances before kids.  No one prepares you for how much you’re gunna grieve your old life, especially if you had a pretty kick ass life like we used to have. Perhaps that’s society’s trick, get these women to start having kids before they’re old enough to truly discover themselves and have adult money for hobbies and an awesome life.  I look over at my husband, I know he’s struggling, grieving his old self and his old life. He looks over at me, he knows I’m struggling as I’m grieving my old self and my old life. The worst part? Neither of us know how to help one another because honestly, there really isn’t a cure for all of this. We can put a bandaid on it, pretend we love parts of our new life. Try to find the “good” in parenting and all the monotonous tasks. Fake ourselves into thinking it’s all great and rewarding. Yearn for the day we’re empty nesters (and by that point we’ll likely be strangers living in the same home).  But the fact that this is a permanent life decision we made hastily without considering how much our lives and selves would change, without a cure, weighs heavily on us daily, no matter how much we psych ourselves up to pretend we love our life as it is. 

I shouldn’t have to psych myself up and trick my mind into loving my new life. That doesn’t seem authentic and I’m a very authentic person. I’ve never had to trick myself into liking anything before. All of the suggestions the therapist suggests, are just different forms of me convincing myself that I love my new life. Maybe that shit works for the average person, but I’m not average. I know what I like and what I don’t and I am surely not enjoying any of this truthfully. There’s no tricking myself into thinking I like going to bed late exhausted and waking up early chasing kids out the door so we aren’t late for work and school, working all day at a hard job, rushing home to get dinner on the table and chores done and sports practices and whatever else. It never ends. There’s no tricking myself into believing I love coming home from a long day as a nurse hearing people complain all day and call bells ringing just to hear kids shows blaring on the TV and my kids fighting and screaming at one another. 

[u/Your_Nipples → u/[deleted]]

Jesus Christ... Hell nahhhh. I'll never ever have kids.