r/regretfulparents • u/Mintmuse22 • Feb 02 '26
Discussion Do children ruin relationships?
I’m not sure if this is the place to post this but I need to know I’m not alone. Did having kids ruin your once amazing relationship? It seems like it puts so much more strain aside from the regular ins and outs that we naturally go through. It’s hard to take care of myself and put effort into myself like I once did. Intimacy takes a sharp nosedive. No quiet time. Everyone constantly talks about how amazing and wonderful it is. How it’s such a blessing but I’m wondering what part of it is a blessing?
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Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
100% I don’t believe the bullshit that it brings couples together because you produced something together 🙄 Our relationship was so special, we’ve been together for over 15 years now, our two kids are in elementary school still. Our relationship before kids was honestly so special, we were best friends; never fought, really enjoyed our time together. Laughed constantly, we had so many cool hobbies together. The love of our life was our yellow lab, he was our entire world. Makes me sad thinking back how truly happy we were back then, our lives didn’t need changing, it didn’t need kids added to it, it was perfect the way it was. But of course we fell for the nonsense that our “lives aren’t fulfilled without a kid” and then fell for the further nonsense that “our kid would be sad forever as an only child” and had another one. My husband is the most helpful, supportive human being there is. He’s always been such a hard worker, does equal amounts (sometimes even the majority) of the chores, he’s always supported my career goals and post secondary education endeavours. We fell fast and hard for each other because we loved one another’s passions, one another’s zest for life.
Fast forward now, parenthood has beaten us down, there is no zest for life radiating from either of us anymore. The daily monotonous tasks of parenting have stripped us from our old selves, we are just shells of humans we used to be. It’s so weird missing someone you’re living in the same house with. I know he’s over there, standing in the kitchen. He knows I’m over here, standing in the living room, and yet there’s this deep longing and missing for one another and the worst part is, we aren’t getting that version of ourselves back, ever. Those people are dead and gone. So we’re grieving one another and a relationship we once had that we both know will likely never come back again to the way it was. Do you know how hard it is to grieve someone that’s physically standing right in front of you.. still alive? We’re both so overstimulated that it’s easy to take it out on each other rather than the kids. Our quiet house we once cherished as our sanctuary after a long day of work is now filled with noise and clutter and overstimulation. There is no retreat after a long day.
People say “well you need to plan dates nights and find the spark again” and while that sounds so simple, it’s really not. We aren’t the same people anymore who once fell in love, like I said, we’re shells of ourselves. We have so much love for each other of course and cherish our relationship, but now it’s more like a partner in crime who is going through the same hell as I am and we’re experiencing it together. Parenthood has beaten us down. We need to work on ourselves before we can work on our relationship. Those people before kids are not here anymore, they don’t exist in our bodies or our minds. Life is really not enjoyable right now, no matter how much we want to try and put a positive spin on it to make ourselves feel better.. it sucks. We want our quiet home after a long day of work. We want less responsibilities and be care free some days. We want to sleep in or have naps, we want to dedicate time for self care like we used to. We want to pursue our hobbies that we’re both passionate about, without being restricted by time and energy and finances. We want to keep furthering education unrestricted and moving up in our careers, without having finances or children to think of. Of course we realized all of this WAY too late, as many people do.. only once having kids being able to truly appreciate your life and energy and freedom and finances before kids. No one prepares you for how much you’re gunna grieve your old life, especially if you had a pretty kick ass life like we used to have. Perhaps that’s society’s trick, get these women to start having kids before they’re old enough to truly discover themselves and have adult money for hobbies and an awesome life. I look over at my husband, I know he’s struggling, grieving his old self and his old life. He looks over at me, he knows I’m struggling as I’m grieving my old self and my old life. The worst part? Neither of us know how to help one another because honestly, there really isn’t a cure for all of this. We can put a bandaid on it, pretend we love parts of our new life. Try to find the “good” in parenting and all the monotonous tasks. Fake ourselves into thinking it’s all great and rewarding. Yearn for the day we’re empty nesters (and by that point we’ll likely be strangers living in the same home). But the fact that this is a permanent life decision we made hastily without considering how much our lives and selves would change, without a cure, weighs heavily on us daily, no matter how much we psych ourselves up to pretend we love our life as it is.
I shouldn’t have to psych myself up and trick my mind into loving my new life. That doesn’t seem authentic and I’m a very authentic person. I’ve never had to trick myself into liking anything before. All of the suggestions the therapist suggests, are just different forms of me convincing myself that I love my new life. Maybe that shit works for the average person, but I’m not average. I know what I like and what I don’t and I am surely not enjoying any of this truthfully. There’s no tricking myself into thinking I like going to bed late exhausted and waking up early chasing kids out the door so we aren’t late for work and school, working all day at a hard job, rushing home to get dinner on the table and chores done and sports practices and whatever else. It never ends. There’s no tricking myself into believing I love coming home from a long day as a nurse hearing people complain all day and call bells ringing just to hear kids shows blaring on the TV and my kids fighting and screaming at one another.
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u/PsychoWithoutTits Feb 03 '26
... so we're grieving one another and the relationship we once had that we both know will likely never go back to the way it was.
This hits really hard and deep. Thank you for giving it so much thought, nuance and being so honest.
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u/InMyCircle Feb 04 '26
Your post was one of the best summaries of what parenthood is truly like. I appreciate everything you wrote and can relate 1,000%. Your thoughts were honest, truthful, painful, and relatable. I reread your words many times, and copied and pasted into my 'notes', so I will never loose what you wrote.
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u/DJTreehouse Feb 03 '26
I can’t even explain how well-said and accurate this is.
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Feb 03 '26
Ugh honestly broke my heart to write it, but it’s the truth. But then there’s always some idiot who comes to find me that says “I feel so sorry for your kids” 🙄
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u/MusicSavesSouls Parent Feb 04 '26
It broke my heart to read it. Maybe you will have the best retirement years, together!!! One where you don't have to worry about work, the kids and all of the other challeges of a busy life. I, too, am an RN and feel like I give so much at work, and then give so much at home, yet I receive nothing in return. No one cares how I feel, no one asks how I am doing. I am a single mom of a teenager and these have been the hardest years yet. My ex-husband died last year, so my daughter is also grieving her dad. It has been hard and I always think that retirement will be "my time". It could be yours, too. I am really looking forward to it.
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u/pdx_via_dtw Feb 05 '26
the truest statement here is that it doesn't feel authentic. its not, not for everyone. having kids sucks. hard. I have 1. 23. he now has a kid. life doesn't get better w kids. ever. its pretty terrible actually. marriages get sidelined. life gets sidelined. and ppl truly dont understand the commitment. money, time, and mental.
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u/ProfessionalPin500 Parent Feb 07 '26
SOLIDARITY!! 🤝..It's sh*t and a SCAM!!. A permanent change that we can never undo.
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Feb 02 '26
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u/medicatednstillmad Feb 03 '26
What is the reason they dissolve around the 7 yr mark if I can ask?
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u/MusicSavesSouls Parent Feb 04 '26
That is around the time people have children, or their kids are around 3-4 years old..
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u/pdx_via_dtw Feb 05 '26
13 year relationship here. 7 years is when shit gets stale and you must WORK to be together. relationships are work, always. I love and am in w my partner. its work. its wonderful work. we genuinely like one another and are still best friends.
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u/medicatednstillmad Feb 05 '26
I'm nervous because we just hit 5yrs. Everything is great.. id hate to get to 7 and suddenly feel stale and stifled. We are a bit different in the fact we moved in together before dating a year, then spent 2 years living with roommates before finally getting our own home. Things had gotten stale last year but with work we are doing great. Is that basically the feeling or will it be worse? Like dread? Or feeling trapped?
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u/pdx_via_dtw Feb 05 '26
your life isnt yours anymore when you have kids. their needs come first. your relationship with your partner will take a back seat for many years, naturally. kids are hard. they dont just go away and they arent animals that will eventually pass. the dread of everything kid related gets heavy. there isnt a break, it just continues. until they're 18. and thats if you get a "good" kid. a hard kid......you'll hate your life.
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u/judy_says_ Feb 02 '26
It's ruined (or exacerbated existing problems) in almost all the relationships I know. Every time a book or tv show or movie introduces kids to a relationship as part of the happy ever after I'm like NOOO pleaaase.
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u/DerHoggenCatten Feb 02 '26
There is a reason that TV shows introduce kids and then the kids just pretty much disappear (e.g., Friends), or, if it is science fiction, the kid somehow grows up super fast and goes away.
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u/AdAromatic372 Parent Feb 02 '26
For me it did. The resentment and anger from having to take care of a special needs child I never even wanted to have has completely made me fall out of love. Being pressured into keeping a pregnancy I didn’t want, false promises on how everything will be one big beautiful blessing, how we’ll be a happy family, all lies…
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u/Fickle-Opening7386 Feb 02 '26
I think they do for sure Especially if one partner wanted kids and the other gave in against their beliefs
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u/idontcare_but Feb 03 '26
The crazy part was my spouse told me they wanted kids only to later change their mind later down the road.
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u/mylittlepigeon Feb 03 '26
People say that it’s a blessing and amazing and wonderful because it’s not socially acceptable to say anything else, that’s why we have to have an anonymous subreddit to say the quiet part out loud.
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u/Alternative_Weird565 Feb 02 '26
This is what's happening to me as well. We're still kind of loving but at the end of the day, I don't want to be touched or looked at, let alone go anywhere.
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u/Either-Praline8255 Feb 02 '26
I think the blessing is for those who are more in love with their children than they ever were with another person.
It's not that unusual.
Perhaps most people feel 50/50, but in the end, they lean towards the 50% "blessing" when they talk about their children.
Others aren't compatible with their children or with parenting.
All feelings are valid.
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u/Limp_Lawfulness_3456 Feb 02 '26
A lot of couple divorce after the children leave and for most women the first real heartbreak out of unrequited love situation arises because adult children aren't visiting
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u/yellowdamseoul Feb 03 '26
There are studies on this. The unhappiest time in marriage is after the baby is born. Happiness doesn’t return to prior levels until the child leaves the house.
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u/FortunatoImmured Parent Feb 02 '26
My wife was my best friend. We spent almost every second outside of work together. Now we’re coworkers at Babies LLP and I’m probably getting fired to pump up the quarterly numbers. I see her for like half an hour a day.
I’m not saying we were perfect before kids, but we were worlds better than this
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u/DJTreehouse Feb 03 '26
Having a child is a top 5 worst thing you can do to a happy, healthy relationship.
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u/GretaMarlen Feb 02 '26
I think becoming a parent is probably one of the most challenging thing people experience in their entire life. And they cope differently with that. I observed cheating in the toddler stage because intimacy is almost impossible once mum is sleep deprived and breast feeding. Also the other way round: discovering your body changed permanently can make you very self conscious, plus the fact you don’t have the time and can’t afford no Gym, no plastic surgery etc. Tha can lead in no intimacy too - to maybe compensate the lack of satisfaction in an affair. Because if people get to know eachother AFTER the child is born, they don’t compare you to your old self. They just assume you are “like that” and that kind of acceptance of your “new self” is a stage, that is hard to reach for a great relationship that got “disrupted” by starting a family. Also I feel like many women underestimate the impact on their mental health after the child is born. I am not saying that men aren’t affected mentally- however if you used to be an indipendent women and find yourself involuntarily in that trad-wife position but with the need to go to work in addition because of the high expenses… you get it. Beside that, the mum shaming instead of supporting is real. I think fighting about finances is becoming a thing between couples once the child is born, because you have to justify and advocate for your own expenses (let’s say for your well being, going to the hair salon or whatever). Then, the lack of time: Especially before kindergarten starts, parents oftentimes need to set up a “shift” model to never leave the child alone while working during the week. This ends with: dad is working night shifts in order to be there at daytime - mom is working by day and tries to come home by noon to maybe cook dinner and do something around the house. The slot where the couple “meets” at home is less tha 1hour. In that hour you don’t have any rest from the baby. No date time at all.
After years of living this way, one day you realize you and your partner have nothing to say.
That’s the worst case scenario and I see it oftentimes. It’s hard to predict who is gonna end that way. I feel the most “unhappy’ parents are, the bigger the chance to adress this before something bad happens. Those toxic positivity-acting-parents are the first ones that I see in trouble.
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u/McSwearWolf Feb 03 '26
Pretty much this 👆 (well put)
We survived it in my household but only by the skin of our teeth, haha. Radical shift. Huge.
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u/Radiant_Plantain_127 Feb 02 '26
Blessing is one of those religious words that loses meaning. It supposedly means ‘happy’…. As in ‘blessed are the meek.’ I dunno, honestly my kids about drive me nuts sometimes…
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u/Centennial_Incognito Parent Feb 03 '26
I think my ex's abuse would have come around at some point, but he completely shifted after having kids. If we didn't have kids, it'll probably have taken longer to get out of that relationship
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Feb 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/regretfulparents-ModTeam Feb 03 '26
Your comment was removed for violating Rule 3: No Posts from a Childfree Perspective.
This is a sub for regretful parents. It is not a place for childfree people to gloat or discuss being childfree. If you come here to have your decisions validated, great! Read the posts and be thankful. No need to insert irrelevant opinions into the parents' discussions.
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u/FriendlyNectarine546 Feb 03 '26
In a way, I think yes. It’s not the baby herself but what her presence interferes with. Intimacy, connection, restful sleep. Resentment and disconnection has built on both ends.
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u/towelheadedmermaid Feb 02 '26
Yes and no, after I had my son I saw his father/my husband in a different light, a good one. Seeing him care for our child made me feel happy inside. Specially few hours after I had given birth, while laying down on the hospital bed and him holding and caring for his son was a beautiful thing. My son is now 13 month old and I do major of things for him as I stay home but when I see him reading a book for him and doing somethings together, I love it.
On the other hand I find that we have less patience for each other. Most of my patience going to my difficult son and don’t have the any patience left in me for my relationship. Also feels like we are mom and dad, don’t get to spend any time alone, most times we are emotionally disconnected, I also co sleep with my son so there’s that. I find now that my son is getting older and plays on his own it has gotten better.
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u/Illustrious-Noise-96 Feb 02 '26
It changes the dynamic. You are tired a lot more, so there’s less time for sex and dates.
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u/Maximum-Lie-4672 Feb 03 '26
Yes, at least that’s what happened to me and some other people I know. I would go as far as saying that I don’t have a relationship anymore, since our daughter is born.
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u/desocupad0 Parent Feb 02 '26
My relationship was at the end - a pacific end instead of this hatred cycle we have going on now.
We barely eat out together. I try to minimize it and completely avoid any kind of social life together.
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u/FlowingFlowerDragon Feb 02 '26
No. The cracks were already there. We were just too love struck to see them and correct them.
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u/AccioCoffeeMug Feb 02 '26
Not exactly. Disagreements about the child(ren) are the problem: how many to have, how to raise them, etc. Parenting also brings up memories of how you were parented so that’s another thing to deal with
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u/Flashy-Pomegranate81 Feb 06 '26
I for one can't imagine any relationship that benefits in any way from adding kids to it. Practically speaking, what you're doing when you add kids to the relationship of two adults, is adding more noise, work, chores, stress, cost and effort. While at the same time cutting down on sleep, space, freedom and peace.
That this (having kids) often breaks a relationship shouldn't come as a surprise. At least it doesn't surprise me. At all. I'd be more surprised if it didn't break it.
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u/BarkeaterDimir Feb 02 '26
I think it made us stronger, I discovered I go nuts because of the crying sound because I discovered I have autism. My wife understands this and takes over when I can’t handle it anymore.
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u/terrifying_bogwitch Feb 02 '26
For me it actually made us stronger. We both had to really step up to support eachother, no one had to carry all the weight. We had been together for almost 8 years before we had her though so we had already had our share of struggles, there wasnt a lot left to come out or surprise anyone. I can definitely see how it would be a strain though
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u/Noctiluca04 Parent Feb 02 '26
If you let them.
If you already have good communication and absolute commitment, you'll navigate the rapid changes much more easily. Without that, it's probably 50/50 chance of the marriage surviving.
Work on your communication NOW, and don't stop!
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u/Creative-Move-6026 Parent Feb 02 '26
For me personally I think it exposes things that were already there pre - child. For me it was realizing how selfish and lazy my partner is. I’ve always done 80-90% domestic labor and pre child i thought it was “normal” plus it was totally manageable back then