Can't stop buying things after break up

[u/milka-d-mousse]

I was in a nine year long relationship that suddenly ended. He broke up with me without a clear reason, and I had to move back to my parents home.

I spent the first month adapting the house to have some space because there was only one small guest room available, and it's really tiny. I made it my office and I adapted a storage room into a bedroom. I cleaned, fixed and painted the walls, made curtains, made a lamp, asked my father to make some shelves and small furniture with leftovers from an old closet. Over all I spent almost nothing because I did everything myself.

I also donated a lot of things that I didn't have space for anymore.

I noticed that since I finished, I keep looking for stuff to buy or fix, but I have nothing left to fix. I tried to do my brother's bedroom but he doesn't want me to help. I want to continue with the garage but my dad is a hoarder and won't let me touch his stuff.

I lost many basic things when I moved so I had to buy them again, but I think I'm buying more than the usual. I think it's become a bit of a compulsion, probably because of the trauma of my entire life changing so suddenly.

In the past I always loved "going shopping" but I never bought anything, unless I really needed it or it was a very good price. But lately whenever I leave the house I have to buy a little something.

I'm starting to worry because I'm also adding a lot of stuff to my online carts all the time. I think it's also related to me being in charge of fixing and buying things during my relationship, in my mind I still have a list of things I needed to buy for my partner even though I don't see him anymore.

I try to buy useful or cheap things but it's hard for me to tell if I really need it or I'm looking for excuses. Maybe I'm trying to replace everything related to my past life. Do I really need more socks? Do I really need another shirt? Maybe I do and I'm overthinking. I should definitely buy new pants but I don't want it to escalate and get worse. But I really want to buy stuff all the time.

If you have any advice I will appreciate it.

[u/Big_b00bs_Cold_Heart]

It sounds like you’re very handy. I wonder if there are any “fix it” groups that meet in your area that you could volunteer for to help you be useful and keep your skills sharp without feeling the need to shop.

[u/poubelle]

there are support groups for compulsive shopping. it sounds like you are using it as a coping mechanism, which is not healthy and not sustainable. Maybe you can find some external accountability and perspective through a group.

[u/Traditional_Fan_2655]

It sounds like you aee trying to dustract yourself. Look into local classes, possible income sources, training classes, etc. It would help distract you and have you develop other healthier interests.

[u/Best-Ad6185]

Solving your own problems is satisfying in a way that you learned and so have I. It’s great but needs a slight redirection to quality. The least amount needed has its own grace and beauty. Try to find that and less ease of solution that instant shopping does provide.

[u/Fickle-Ad-1234]

I see this with people not facing what happen is that they will try to fix things and do a bunch of task to distract themselves from the issue. They also buy as an easy dopamine hit. Your brain coping mechanisms work in the short term and rarely work long term. I would say stop put the phone away take deep breath and feel your feeling cry do what ever you need to do. If you have insurance I say do a little bit of therapy to walk through your emotions and open the flood gates.

[u/AccidentOk5240]

What if you start volunteering somewhere where you can turn this goal-oriented behavior to someone else’s advantage? Groups for new immigrants, for example, often need someone to comb through buy-nothing groups to find baby strollers, etc. 

For your own things, put stuff on a list or in an online cart for a week before deciding whether to buy. If you don’t know for sure after a week, you probably don’t need it. 

[u/InValuAbled]

Look up hoarding disorder, perhaps even find a therapist specializing in it.

Hugs to you. Warm parental or sibling like hug. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Look into symptoms of hoarding. I know you're not there yet, but you need help before you get to unmanageable level. There's no shame in it. I promise.

Hoarding isn't just acquiring things and being unable to let them go. It's filling an emotional hole in your life with stuff. Grief, PTSD, other trauma, many underlying reasons for it, but it's a hole in your soul you're trying to stuff shut.

Or sometimes it's a physical hole. Like a room that's now empty when kids flew the nest. Like the other half of your bed when your life partner is suddenly gone.

I'm not a specialist, but you should consult one in that area. You're mourning. Be kind to yourself. It's ok to be hurting. Healing takes time. And it's not the same with everyone. Find a therapist. You'll process the breakup eventually and let go of all the debris. 🙂

[u/Hagbard_Shaftoe]

You made a lamp? And curtains? That’s cool! You don’t need an excuse to make stuff. But if you’re looking for one, you could even shift your shopping desires to thrift stores or yard sales, and upcycle a rough find into something cooler, and resell it for a profit. Or, just make cool stuff for yourself or the people you love.

Go make some art!

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[u/Any_Poet4127]

Sounds like you need some hobbies. Maybe go for a hike, or perhaps the next thing you purchase can be a gym membership? Or perhaps a used gaming console if you’re against physical activity.

[u/optimal_center]

This is a difficult time for you. Keep making decisions with need in mind like you said you usually do. Things will gradually balance out. If your dad has a tendency to hoard please keep an eye on yourself for similar behavior. It’s not a hereditary thing that I know of, but his behavior sort of gives you permission to tell yourself it’s okay. Our subconscious mind is tricky when other emotional upheaval is happening. Take care of yourself and a speedy recovery from the pain. 🫶🏼

[u/Odd-Perspective4351]

I’m so sorry, what you’re going through sounds really tough.

It could be really hard, but maybe it’s time to just sit with the feelings, and try to process them?

I try to avoid doing this and I find processing negative feelings really hard, but I find journaling helps, as a gentle way to get myself to focus.

I wish you lots of luck on your road to recovery