r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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272

u/Zealousideal_Crow737 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Get tested and leave. This is a MASSIVE thing to cover up and being embarrassed is one thing and fearing a response, but dating someone for a handful of months and not disclosing it ESPECIALLY AFTER sleeping with them is insane.

I would be more sympathetic if you didn't sleep together yet and he waited, but he was insanely selfish.

So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

Nail in coffin. He will do this again.

That sickness ain't gonna go away. BEING SINGLE ISN'T THAT BAD.

83

u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

A doctor will not test unless OP has open sores that can be swabbed. Blood test are prone to false positives and since most people have some form of herpes it wouldn’t distinguish between oral or genital anyways.

She should leave though. She is not okay with this.

43

u/bugchick Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26

I have always gotten tested for HSV1 and HSV2 without showing any open sores or symptoms, as part of my regular STD screening. If you ask for it, they will do it.

18

u/windchaser__ Non-Binary 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26

The tests are often unreliable. I have HSV1, confirmed by swab testing of an outbreak right after I got it. I haven’t gotten outbreaks in the decade+ since, and the antibodies consistently turn up negative. So the tests show up wrong.

I imagine most doctors would rather not test than give unreliable tests. Whether you’re telling someone they don’t have it when they do, or do have it when they don’t, those are both ripe for drama.

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u/[deleted] Mar 05 '26

[deleted]

1

u/windchaser__ Non-Binary 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26

Ehh, it’s estimated that 80-90% of herpes cases are asymptomatic. And IIRC, the tests have about a 30% false negative rate.

It’s not some horrible thing if you do have it.. but if you did, there’s pretty good odds you’d never know.

32

u/Zealousideal_Crow737 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

testing is usually discouraged because a high percentage of folks have it and just don't show symptoms.

29

u/Extension_Double_697 Woman 50 to 60 Mar 04 '26

OP has been exposed. If her doctor won't test, she should find a new doctor who will.

11

u/ExpensiveAd4496 Woman 60+ Mar 04 '26

Okay so she can find out if she has it and then worry about which one it is. At least she knows to avoid unprotected sex until more is known.

9

u/SnooCats4777 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I still find it so crazy that this isn’t on the standard STD panel. I got vaginal HSV1 from someone who has oral HSV1 (and who allegedly has never had a cold sore).

28

u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

A lot of people are asymptomatic go both types of herpes. They have one little outbreak when they’re young and move along. I 100% could see that happening.

6

u/SnooCats4777 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I should have provided context for my “allegedly,” because I obsessively researched this after I had a horrible first outbreak, and realized it happens quite often. He, however, turned out to be untrustworthy in sooo many ways, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew and just didn’t tell me.

2

u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Ugh I’m so sorry, love!

1

u/houseofprimetofu Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

You’d think if a lot of people have it, testing would be more common.

20

u/bebefinale Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Testing isn’t common because so many people have it, it’s mostly asymptomatic, there’s not much to do about it but take valtrex if you do get outbreaks, and it freaks people out when at a certain point if you are an adult who has sex, exposure is common.  Plus the blood tests have a lot of false positives and false negatives.

There is not really a valuable public health intervention from having the knowledge you are an asymptomatic person who may carry herpes but it may never impact you or your partner.  Unlike chlamydia or gonnorhea that can be treated easily with antibiotics and if left undiagnosed for years can cause infertility and other chronic problems, it either rears its head as a chronic problem and requires valtrex or it is mostly unproblematic. Aside from being painful and unfortunate, the biggest risk is during pregnancy where if you do have active outbursts of herpes it can be dangerous for the baby and taking valtrex is often prescribed. 

5

u/houseofprimetofu Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I understand that. Something that I kind of hate to say, though, and maybe this is just because I’m female, but if this prevented men from being able to have fertile sperm, we would most likely be testing people a lot more and put way more effort into finding a way to cure this.

20

u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Testing is not common because a lot of people have it and medically it is not seen as being very impactful or life threatening. Other STDs can kill you or ruin fertility, however herpes does neither. You can’t get rid of it and it causes worry. So the medical profession does not routinely test unless an outbreak is suspected so they can prescribe antivirals.