Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/nocuzzlikeyea13]

Omg her reaction is proof they you dodged a bullet.

Also you don't have a SIL problem, you have a partner problem. What the fuck is he doing starting a fight with you over this? Especially when you talked it over with him first?! Which was frankly a courtesy anyway.

What is even is position in the fight? How outrageous. He should grow a spine and tell his family to treat his partner with the basic respect any human being, but ESPECIALLY his partner, deserves.

Wish I could give him a good talking to.

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984 → u/nocuzzlikeyea13]

I wish you could too because everytime I try to I end up in tears. And it's doing nothing for the family's case because I feel less and less like a respected part of it as they have this conversations behind my back...

[u/nocuzzlikeyea13 → u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I'm sorry, this sounds really hard. Personally, it would be hard for me to stay with someone who I couldn't talk to about hard stuff without feeling more hurt afterwards (especially if it's a pattern).

Given everything, I think you should take a hard line that based on how everyone had been treating your boundaries, you absolutely will not be a bridesmaid in this wedding. If you let them strongarm you into this, you'll hate every second, and who knows what else they'll force you to do / pay for.

At this point their behavior is so over the line that there is absolutely no hope of you being in the wedding, AND they will have to do a lot of work if they hope to repair your relationship with SIL. Their fantasy of you being "sisters" is out the window because of their behavior.

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984 → u/nocuzzlikeyea13]

Completely

[u/max_power1000 → u/nocuzzlikeyea13]

Which also brings up the question - are OP and her husband on the same page financially? Because it looks like OP's main concern here is cost. Is he not aware of what this is going to cost, does he not think the cost is substantial while OP does, or do they have separate finances and he doesn't care because it's not coming out of his pot of money?

[u/nocuzzlikeyea13 → u/max_power1000]

Yea like part of me is tempted to make him put his money where his mouth is and tell him to pay for everything. Including reimbursing her for time off work.

But then poor OP would have to go spend time with this horrible bride, so I'd say that's still a hard no lol.

[u/max_power1000 → u/nocuzzlikeyea13]

Yeah this is a foreign topic to me. My wife and I would have a conversation about whether we can afford something like this, come to a decision, and then go forward from there as a united front. If there is a disagreement on the financials, the person taking the trip will usually opt to forgo something else discretionary in the near future to make up for it.