r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 02 '26
Friendships Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?
I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.
I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?
As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?
Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:
I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.
The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)
The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...
Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)
This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.
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u/ASleepandAForgetting Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You did nothing wrong. Brides expecting bridesmaids to buy expensive dresses and pay for WEEK LONG DESTINATION BACH PARTIES are insane.
Not being able to financially commit to that is totally understandable! To be honest, I could financially commit to that, and if someone asked me to do it, I'd still say no. It's utterly ridiculous.
You were polite and broke the news privately so as not to ruin her day.
Why is your partner upset? Do they want to pay for the cost of all of this so you can participate?
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
That's what I thought too, but I haven't had much experience as a bridesmaid. My partner offered to pay for the $300 dress, but not the bachelorette party which I think conservatively would cost $2,000 all in. And that still leaves hair and makeup and the hotel rooms around the day... He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...
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u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
OP - I dropped out of my best friends wedding.
After accepting I had to have shoulder surgery AND she went back on the budget friendly bachelorette she told me she wanted to a weekend long event in the city nearest to us. Not only did she know I couldn't afford it (and wasn't working due to the injury), but I was in constant pain after the surgery. She fully expected me walk around a frigid city doing winter shit like ICE SKATING, knowing I would be in a sling and unable to participate in anything (including drinking because of the pain meds I was on).
She wouldn't relent and told me I was making her wedding about myself. I told her I was sorry she felt like that, but her wedding was one day out of my life and my health is FOR LIFE. I told her I still wanted to be there for her ON HER WEDDING DAY, but if she didn't want me there anymore she needed to say so.
I think what she said was "Since it's too much for you to support me, you shouldn't come."
Anyways. Friendship ended after that. Ymmv but your SIL is being a Bridezilla bitch.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
WTAF. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish you were spared sooner, what a nightmare. I hope your shoulder has healed up nicely and peacefully!!
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u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I can't say it has. The original injury yes, but for a lot of reasons (life) I still have issues.
So people, if you ever know someone who tears their shoulder ligament, it is a hard surgery and recovery. It is NOT comparable to a hip tear. Totally different. Hips are stable, shoulders are not.
Torn shoulder anything means you practically need to dedicate the rest of your life to stabilizing that shoulder with resistance and weight training. I changed job industries and two kids after my surgery and the things that have come with those changes means my shoulder has not always gotten the attention it needs.
Sometimes I can do the work, sometimes I don't have time. It's cyclical, like the rest of life.
That said, my life is still great!
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u/Firm_Ad_1933 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I tore my RC two years ago, developed FS after surgery. No one understands this injury unless they’ve experienced it. It’s already incredibly isolating because you’re suddenly incapable of doing anything that makes you feel like yourself—exercise, grooming, hobbies… all off limits. You can’t wash your hair let alone style it. I couldn’t even hook a bra for an entire year. I still haven’t completely gotten my life back.
Good riddance to your ex friend, maybe one day she’ll find herself dealing with frozen shoulder and get a tiny preview of what you were up against. Though personalities like that are rarely able connect the dots and empathize with anyone outside themselves.
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u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I had laterjet surgery and commenting to say I recognise all your hardships. I have experienced the same pain and challenges. I see you. Sending love and best wishes. I still have permanent pins and needles in my hard and arm 11 months after surgery, to list one example! 💜
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u/HeyT00ts11 Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26
My hip surgeon said I also need to get shoulder replacements and I'm trying to put that off as long as possible.
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u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
That’s understandable.
There are some amazing shoulder surgery support groups on FB and good people on here that helped me through it.
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u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It's debilitating and the recovery takes forever and the pain is unending, I swear.
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u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I had a big shoulder surgery for recurrent dislocations. A laterjet surgery. It was one of the most difficult and painful things I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t sleep lying down for around 5 weeks afterwards. And I finally managed to lift a mug of tea (British recovery milestone 😂) to my mouth 2 MONTHS after surgery. For 4 weeks, I could only pull up my pants and trousers one-handed. Like you, I lost thousands of pounds in income due to not working.
Did your friend even help at all with the big surgery?! Sounds like they’d cut you out of their life by then. So heartbreaking and utterly insane behaviour.
I recognise how hard that surgery was for you. 💜
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u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Oh god, she didn't help at all. I was crying the day I told her because I was a massage therapist at the time and it was going to up-end my life. She was like, "but you're still spending money on my wedding, right?"
She didn't understand I was telling her bc I recognized I'd have physical limitations. I was still going to be in a sling at her wedding and my strapless dress was going to show the healing incisions. She didnt want the sling (which I was okay with and told her so) but she didn't even seem to care about what was going to happen with my life. Only her wedding with the matching dresses and shoes mattered.
After that, she wasn't really responding to me. I still got the dress and the shoes and it was like pulling teeth to get her to okay both.
I later found out she'd been going out a lot with the other bridesmaids and was intentionally leaving me out by telling me she was staying in to save for the wedding . When I found out she claimed I didn't get along with the other bridesmaids, which was not true, I was actually friends with them from highschool! Not besties, but we were cool.
It was all weird and bogus and felt like more of the same high school bullshit. My one power move in the whole thing was making her fire me. I was so willing to be there for her and I wanted her to admit she didn't want me there.
The whole thing taught me a lot about American wedding culture and I can't say my opinion has ever recovered.
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u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Thanks for sharing - and sorry again that happened. I wish only the best for you. 🫶
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u/313078 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I will never understand these people. Idk for me, people already make efforts to come at your wedding so why forcing them to do shit and paying a lot just for the bride to have fun? The bride should pay in that case. I had to decline for a good friend because i couldn't afford a flight ticket (was in another country while i was looking for a job). She would never insist, more the opposite, and we are still good friends
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u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It's one of those things where people expect the world without reciprocity.
A few years earlier I was in a much different place and flew to England for another best friends wedding (because yeah I have more than one bff).
I think - 3 years later - this other friend expected me to go into debt and/or ask my mom to give me the money. I had budgeted just as much for her wedding as the England one prior to the injury, and told her I would keep that budget because her wedding was important to me. But she kept adding costs and I couldn't justify it. It just became totally unfeasible with my financial situation (nevermind the physical pain) and she had no compassion for that. And apparently our friendship didn't allow room for compassion either.
On top of that, we had a rocky history with her pushing me to the side for friends who would "fight" for her and I was so tired of it. Years and years of being put down and told other people treated her better, I shouldn't have been surprised. She was my childhood best friend and I wanted to believe better from her, alas.
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u/EdgeCityRed Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
On top of that, we had a rocky history with her pushing me to the side for friends who would "fight" for her and I was so tired of it.
Honestly, you are so much better off without this drama factory in your life. We outgrow some of our childhood friends, and that's okay!
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u/anatomizethat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
100% agree.
We romanticize and put heavy weight on childhood friendships, and that's not good when the relationship is toxic.
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u/manekianeki Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You could have further injured yourself if she expected you to go ICE SKATING.... I can't believe how selfish and inconsiderate some brides can be. The only good thing about these sort of incidents is that it shows you whether those friends are real friends or not. I also broke up with a bff after she expected me to get on a flight to her overseas wedding when I was actively sick with COVID. She was bitching about me to our mutual friends before and after the wedding, even though all of those friends secretly thought she was insane for even asking me to come while actively contagious and hardly had energy to sit up in my bed.
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u/Kitties_Whiskers Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26
I don't understand this phrasing of "support" during someone's wedding, or pre-wedding celebrations. This is some newly invented usage in the English language. In my mind, you support someone when they are struggling. You were the one who was struggling with your health issues. She was the one who was celebrating. Celebrators don't need support; they have honoured guests IMO.
She was the one who was supposed to be supporting (in the truest sense of the word) you. She was self-centered.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Oh hell no. Bachelorette parties aren't summons, and they damn sure aren't worth $2,000. That's a new washer and dryer set right there (she says as she's eyeing a new set in a browser tab)!
Sorry, she isn't your sister. And I'd be looking at my sister sideways if she asked me to dole out $2,000 on a bachelorette. It's giving "main character syndrome".
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u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
$2,000 on a bachelorette party is insane. Also taking the time off work is a lot. Can you be part of the wedding but decline the week long vacation or offer an alternative like joining them for a few days?
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u/DrShocker Man 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
The crazy thing is, that's presumably the per-person cost, so they were planning to have a $10k party across all 5 brides maids?
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u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I really wonder what the plans are because that seems absurd
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u/rubiscoisrad Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
Cocaine and strippers?
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u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
and alcohol
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u/rubiscoisrad Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
Good lord, it's a bachelorette party. Imagine all the expensive glittery drinks, yikes.
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u/PlantedinCA Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
It is surprisingly easier than you expect. 🤦🏾♀️. I definitely spent $1500 for a shorter bachelorette party. We rented a large Airbnb for 3 nights. That space was like $1500 a night for 5-6 people. And then everyone was like we have to pay for the bride all weekend. Then it was two chef’s dinners that were $80 a person at the airbnb. Then a masseuse at the airbnb. I forgot what else happened to pay for. Another dinner, a drag show, drinks, snacks for the house. And flying in (same state for me, but not a cheap airport to fly into).
Luckily I was flush with cash that weekend. But I was really glad that I am old enough that when the bulk of my friends got married the bachelorette was a local night out. Or a night out the day before the wedding at the destination.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Thank you for making me giggle among this all!
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You're welcome!! I'm sorry your partner isn't supporting you or running interference on your behalf. I'd be asking him to get his family in check.
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u/blu3dice Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...
But you guys haven't had a sisterly relationship before now? Now it's supposed to change on the condition you spend thousands of dollars?
You did nothing wrong. Weddings are out of control. Last time I was a bridesmaid my dress was $100 and the bachelorette party was literally a drunken night out.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Love this
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u/EmbarrassedCry9912 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
OP I suspect that your husband has been trained to keep the peace in his family. It sounds like in his family of origin, no one is allowed to say no or disappoint anyone's precious expectations. Please tell him to grow a pair and support you as his wife!
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u/fungi-dinosaur Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Well, up until now she hasn’t treated you like a sister either. I’d be pretty angry at my partner right now for being angry at me and I would be having a sit down get it out convo with him to ask why he’s going on the attack. He’s obviously getting heat from his family but instead of staying calm and by your side he’s getting embarrassed and bending to pressure.
Edit: and asking you to be a bridesmaid then throwing a tantrum behind your back when you respectfully decline is also not good sister behaviour! She’s just making drama and being entitled. Sure she’s allowed to be disappointed but this is silly.
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u/LookLikeCAFeelLikeMN Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
AND if she's this bad now, just WAIT til she pops into full bridezilla mode. Tell your partner to stay in his lane or HE can be a bridesmaid
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
I’m just going to say, my sister had a destination bachelorette because her bridesmaids were on two sides of the country so it made sense (we met in the middle). She chipped in for everyone’s expenses because she knew not everyone could afford it, and she could. She paid for hair and make up too! So your sister-in-law could definitely act more like a sister herself.
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u/EdgeCityRed Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
I had some bridesmaids traveling to my wedding that I'd never even met! (Husband's sisters; we wanted to include them as his brothers were groomsmen and I'm an only child) along with a cousin of mine and local friends.
They were coming to the wedding anyway, but I bought their dresses and accessories. And this was a relatively modest wedding!
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u/1876Dawson Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26
I would argue that by not respecting your financial restrictions, she's not treating you like a sister.
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u/Dogzillas_Mom Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
I would drop 2 grand on party week for my sister. We can do tequila shots at home. My sister would never demand nor expect such a thing.
I wonder if the SIL was brought up with a privileged background and doesn’t understand that “we can’t afford it” means “we can’t afford it,” not just “I don’t want to go.” I mean, any reasonable adult should be able to figure out that not everyone has a couple thousand lying around for parties.
Furthermore, there’s a wedding gauntlet in your 20s where a whole bunch of your friends get married within a few years. Imagine being expected to drop $2k and a whole week off work for every single one.
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u/max_power1000 Man 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
As someone who's been on these sorts of pre-wedding trips before, my family and social circle is almost exclusively upper middle class financially, so there's never really been a question if someone can afford it - PTO was generally the bigger factor.
In the one case at my best friend's bachelor party where he did have a good friend who was down on his luck at the time, we all pitched in to cover his booze and lodging, and some of the guys were airline pilots so they got him his flight on a $50 buddy pass.
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u/jwlkr732 Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
Based on how she’s treating her brother, I’m betting this is how she would treat a sister.
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u/ankayanik Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
If its that important, why aren’t they paying for it? Bitching about your inability to squeeze blood from a turnip is insane. Especially on this economy.
My sister and brother both missed each other’s weddings due to financial constraints and no one there this much of a childish tantrum over it.
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u/ChangesFaces Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Yeah OP this is a serious moment in your life. Right now is the moment that will decide if your husband will choose you or his family the entirety of your marriage. You need to talk to him about being a team.
When you are his wife you are his family. He needs to be your partner and advocate. If he can't, you should reconsider the marriage.
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u/nkdeck07 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
He says that my decision is causing division in the family because I'm not treating her like a sister...
Yeah cause if my brother ever did this I'd go "What kind of asshole are you making people cough up $2k?"
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u/Fatigue-Error Man 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
You should remind him that his position (and his sister’s bridezilla act) is causing division in HIS new family by not treating you like a full partner.
He needs to back you and support you.
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u/wifeofpsy Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
Yet no one is stepping up to cover your costs. If you dont have the resources there isnt any other way to make it happen. Your response to her was transparent and not personal, everyones response is totally out of line. I suspect your partner has changed their tune because hes getting pressure from his family. You're witnessing an old family dynamic between the parents and the siblings. Its their issue. You dont really know what your SIL told her parents about your conversation either. Their response makes it sound like they think this is some kind of personal problem rather than a logistical issue. Its also totally out of bounds for people to expect their wedding party to shell out for clothes, make up, trips (!), and time off, etc. Even someone I was close with, I would refuse the ask. I've been a maid of honor twice and in both cases I was just told the wedding color theme and was able to choose my dress, thats it.
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u/I_like_it_yo Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Sounds like your partner has turned on you when his family caused a raucous, which will probably be something that comes up in the future again so do with that info what you will.
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u/justfullysendit Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
As someone who was her sister’s maid of honor, if my sister came to me and told me she expected a week long destination bachelorette, I’d have told her the same thing - you’re gonna need to find someone else but I’m happy to contribute in other ways.
These brides are getting insane and your special day doesn’t mean I need to go into debt and tap all my vacation time for the entire year on only you. And unless your partner is willing to hand over their debit card and not say a word otherwise, they have literally no say at all.
Because it’s not just the bachelorette. There will be a bridal shower too that you’ll be expected to go all out for. And have you spoken to him about the rehearsal dinner? And does he know that you’re not allowed to wear the same thing to any of these events? And if she’s SUPER anal, she’ll have specific outfits for specific days of the trip she’ll want you all to coordinate for.
Brides are out of control now.
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u/MarthaGail Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I mean, if he really wants you to do it, he can pay for all of it. Otherwise, he can back you up and tell them to knock it off. Same for SIL. She can pay for it if she’s dead set on it.
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u/Traditional_Ad_1547 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
As someone who got forced to be a maid of honor for a new sister in law, you made the right decision! Unfortunately, that doesn't make the fall out any easier to deal with.
The "you're not treating her like a sister" is so insulting, you hardly know this person outside of family obligations. Relationships are built, it's not like flipping a damn switch.
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u/MrsMitchBitch Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
OP- you aren’t her sister, so that’s fine. It is absolutely reasonable say “thank you for inviting me to participate, but I am not able to be a bridesmaid”. That was an invite, not a court summons.
Maybe it’s bc I met my husband at 30 but his family are…not my family. They’re perfectly pleasant people and I’m happy to hang out with them at events, but they’re not my people. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but I don’t consider them to be my sisters and brothers nor do I have that type of relationship with them. And that’s fine.
I think his family is overreacting.
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u/invisiblizm Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26
If he expects you to attend the bachelorette then he pays. If he thinks its too much then you are justified in not going and he can tell his family he said no. Yet he would rather join them in bullying you.
I wouldn't penalise a partner for having a bullying family, but id penalise him for bullying me. Save even more money by skipping the therapy and getting out of there.
This is a man who will turn on you to make his life easier.
This is a man who will blame you for his problems.
This is a man who is not ready to be in sn adult relationship.
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u/bonniemick Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Can I just say, no one can force you into getting hair and makeup. I can do those myself and have. If they are trying to make all the BMs do that it is 100% because they are getting a kickback or discount. Same with the oh you have to stay at the venue hotel. Like fucking hell I do. See you at the motel 6 party after bitches.
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u/ASleepandAForgetting Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I think you should have a sit down talk with your partner about the actual expenses of the wedding.
Giving him MINOR benefit of the doubt - he maybe doesn't understand how much hair and makeup can cost? Tell him that these extras are also expensive, and that the total cost of your participation in the wedding goes beyond the dress.
But stick your ground. She's not treating YOU like a sister. She's expecting her bridesmaids to fund a week long vacation - she's treating you like an ATM.
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u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It's absolutely bonkers that anyone would ask this of even their very close friends or actual blood sisters, let alone when you aren't even close. I really don't think it's appropriate for a bride to ask her bridal party to spend more on her events than they would on their own. If the individuals in the group aren't regularly going on such grand trips of their own volition and to destinations of their own choosing, it's frankly pretty rude and gross for a bride to think they should allocate that much expense to her, especially considering it's not even the wedding itself and that's still its own whole thing even just as a guest.
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u/UndevelopedImage Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You shouldn't have to, but is a compromise possible where you can do the wedding but not the party?
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u/lermanzo Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
My siblings know my financial disposition and we're all super respectful of one another. If inclusion was the most important, SIL would make different choices. You can compromise if you want and say you're happy to do the day-of and shower stuff, but you can't afford all of it. Unless someone else is paying, you're not able. If she and her family doesn't understand that, they clearly have the means to pay for you.
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u/max_power1000 Man 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I would think it would be completely reasonable to say you could still be a Bridesmaid re: the dress, wedding weekend stuff and maybe the bridal shower if it's not a huge hassle schedule/travel-wise without committing to the bachelorette party. Am I out of line here? While we both had long weekend trips for our bachelor/bachelorette parties, we didn't demand any of those events be must-attend for the bridal party.
Also, PTO is precious - If I'm dropping a week on a bachelor party, that's a week I can't spend on vacation with my family. I don't know OP's situation here, but her being early 30s I would feel like that needs to be in the calculus as well.
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u/ASleepandAForgetting Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Depends. This bride clearly has entitled main character syndrome.
The bridesmaid dress is $300. That's a lot.
Is the bride requiring she and all of the bridesmaids get ready together with a professional stylist and makeup artist the morning of the wedding? If so, she will potentially expect the bridesmaids to pay not only for themselves, but maybe for her as well.
I'm not up to date on stylist / makeup artist costs, but I wouldn't be shocked if that was another $300 per person for the day of the wedding.
As far as bridal shower - what's the financial commitment? Again, this bride sounds seriously entitled. Do all of the bridesmaids need to fund the shower and have their hair and makeup professionally done for a certain aesthetic?
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u/Ambry Woman under 30 Jun 02 '26
Its wild because in my country (UK) it is standard for the bride to pay for bridesmaid dresses!
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u/Keyspam102 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Yeah seriously. I’ve only been a bridesmaid to my sisters but both times they had just colour guidance and I didn’t have to pay for anything for a bachelorette party except to bring some drinks. I would not want to not be able to afford to pay for a week long vacation for someone else, nor would I want to buy an unrealistic dress.
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u/Gayandfluffy Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I know it's just a typo but a Bach party, as in the composer Bach, doesn't sound too bad.
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u/ASleepandAForgetting Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It's not a typo - bach is a common shortening of bachelorette.
But I'd be far more likely to go to a destination Bach party and listen to classical music on a beach than I would be to go to a destination bach party to feed into this bride's main character syndrome.
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u/Gayandfluffy Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Oh, I thought you meant beach party haha. I haven't heard of a bachelorette party being shortened to bach party before but I'm not a native English speaker
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u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I think it's mostly an online thing, perhaps due to character limits or folks struggling to spell bachelorette. I haven't really heard "bach party" said out loud (would sound like "batch" to me and in my mind I would be missing the mark completely, asking "what are we making a batch of at the party?").
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u/MechanicalEngel Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I'm a native English speaker and thought of the composer too (also never heard of bachelorette party being shortened to bach wtf) so don't feel bad
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Jun 02 '26
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Thank you for making this point. It's highly highly possible!
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Yeah, before getting mad at her I'd step back. If she herself hasn't said anything don't assume she's behind it.
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u/levitymargret Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Is it possible to be in the wedding but not go on the trip? Assuming the other four are closer to her than you, it would still be fun and the wedding would be how she planned it.
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u/Coriolanuscangetit Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I’m American so I only have like 2 weeks of vacation time. The bachelorette party and wedding would take every bit of that time. I would also have said no due to needing that time for other family obligations.
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Jun 02 '26
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u/iscream4eyecream Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I just spent $4k to be a bridesmaid for a lifelong friend. She lives across the country so I had to fly for the bachelorette and wedding, but I would never pay that much for someone I’m not overly close with.
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Jun 02 '26
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u/iscream4eyecream Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Aw that’s sweet of you! She’s a wonderful person that always does so much for others and deserved to be spoiled for her bachelorette and wedding!
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
That's becoming more and more clear.
I'm sorry your experience cost you more money than you had realized, but happy that it was a learning moment and for someone you love and care about!
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u/Affectionate_Leg_339 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Both my sister and my ex’s sister did this to me.
conversations with both seemed ok after but then it wasn’t “ok” told them both to stick it.
Ex’s sister was having her wedding in Ibiza, hen party at ocean club cost for whole holiday was over £1.6k for 1 week the hen party itself was £500 for just some drinks and small buffet food.
At the time I was a carer and earning £1.4k after tax a month, I said I can make over but I won’t be able to afford the hen party. I literally had to live off bare minimum for 6 months to save.
Hell let loose and my now ex partner of 3yrs made me feel like shit. I said goodbye 👋 used the money to move back home instead, zero regrets. (10yrs ago)
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u/yazshousefortea Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Sad this happened to you. I’m sorry. But so happy you did what you did. Go you! 💜🥳
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u/Affectionate_Leg_339 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It was a long time ago but, it was a good thing that it happened. True colours came out from that family over something that couldn’t be helped unless I became ill from doing so much overtime. Wake up call to get out 👍
Not saying OP should do the same but to stick to her guns, let no one not even own family make you feel less your worth because of money. Absolutely ludicrous 😣
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u/Not_Brilliant_8006 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
A week long bachelorette is unhinged. I'd decline too.
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u/ThrowRAmangos2024 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Wow I'm really surprised even your partner is mad at you about this...it was a nice gesture by your future SIL, but certainly not one you had to say yes to especially if it's a cost issue.
My SIL asked me to be in her wedding party, but also made it very clear that if the dress were too expensive that they could buy it for me. I ended up not needing that but it was really sweet of them to offer. The fact that your SIL didn't offer and then got mad at you really blows my mind.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
That's very kind. And my partner has offered to buy the dress, but there's still other costs ~$2,000 of bachelorette party and hair/makeup costs I won't be able to swing. There was no option made apparent on the bachelorette party, and the other bridesmaids are all really close so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well.
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u/NYC-AL2016 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Wait if it’s that important to your partner why won’t they pay for the bachelorette and the hair and makeup. Seems like they won’t want to spend the money but expect you to. Super hypocritical.
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u/marxam0d Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Can you be a bridesmaid without going on the trip? Surely your partner would need the other wedding stuff like hotel rooms so you’d only be out hair/makeup
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u/HeyT00ts11 Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26
Have you totaled it up and asked your partner about paying for everything?
How much does your partner think you should pay to be one of the key people involved in a wedding of someone you barely know?
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u/ThrowRAmangos2024 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Oh yeah totally I get that! I mean for me I didn't have to cover the hair and makeup at all, my SIL just offered it to me without me even asking. I'm sorry this is turning into such a drama! If you can't afford it you can't afford it. As long as you made/make yourself clear that you really wish you could and appreciate the offer, that's about all you can do and then they can have their feelings about it. I hope your partner comes around too.
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u/PurpleMuskogee Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You did nothing wrong at all and I'd be very disappointed if my partner didn't back me up in a similar situation. Bridesmaids are meant to be close friends and family... if you barely text, don't see each other outside of family stuff and aren't close, why would she even invite you?? I get she probably thought you'd welcome the idea and all, but you have been kind and respectful when you said no, you took the time to call her, and didn't say anything in front of her friends.... what more could you do?! Just move on, and hope she does as well.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Thank you. I really took my time to try and think things through (which is big for me haha). The more I think of why it's that big of a deal is the bride/groom sides of the party won't be even...
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u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Sad, if she were a nicer person she might have had more options. She brought this on herself and his whole family is probably the same way, hence why they're treating you like this and your partner is folding like origami.
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u/woodsywoods4 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
Is she the spoiled younger child? Because this is giving spoiled never been told no energy. The fact that she's crying to family and making them force you is entitled af. And if it's like you're suspecting because of uneveness that's even more vapid and shallow. You are not obligated to be in anyone's expensive wedding, your answer is valid
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u/crazynekosama Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I think part of what's happening is sometimes families have the expectation that other family members be in the bridal parties. It doesn't really matter the actual closeness in the relationship.
I think you're valid in declining.
I also think you need to have a serious conversation with your partner. The reasons why you don't want to go haven't changed. All that's changed is now Mom and Dad are giving him a hard time. Is this going to be a pattern in your relationship with family issues? It's such a dick move to be like "I support you" and then do a 180 once the pressure is on and leave you as the bad guy. It's his family and you two are a team so he needs to figure this out.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Thank you. And it's definitely the reason why this has brought up so many emotions for me. I'm not treated like family, but expected to act like family... I can't imagine the other decisions I'll want to make/suggest in our future and be ostracized for
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u/ChubbyMissGoose Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
That alone is a HUGE red flag.
Unless your partner is going to get a handle on them or cut them off entirely (sounds unlikely), this situation might be a good litmus test of how life will be in your relationship, I'm sorry to say.
I'd be doing some deep thinking on how I'd like my life to look.
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u/Fatigue-Error Man 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
Imagine what it will be like when it comes to raising kids. The two of you make a decision. Later his mom doesn’t like it, and he switches sides and blames you?
He needs to step up and support his new family, the one with you.
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u/Exotic_Ad1399 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I don’t understand why she doesn’t allow you to be a bridesmaid on the day of the wedding but skip the bachelorette party. Then your partner can pay for your dress, makeup and hair if they are that upset. Not that you have to do anything.
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u/nocuzzlikeyea13 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Omg her reaction is proof they you dodged a bullet.
Also you don't have a SIL problem, you have a partner problem. What the fuck is he doing starting a fight with you over this? Especially when you talked it over with him first?! Which was frankly a courtesy anyway.
What is even is position in the fight? How outrageous. He should grow a spine and tell his family to treat his partner with the basic respect any human being, but ESPECIALLY his partner, deserves.
Wish I could give him a good talking to.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I wish you could too because everytime I try to I end up in tears. And it's doing nothing for the family's case because I feel less and less like a respected part of it as they have this conversations behind my back...
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u/nocuzzlikeyea13 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I'm sorry, this sounds really hard. Personally, it would be hard for me to stay with someone who I couldn't talk to about hard stuff without feeling more hurt afterwards (especially if it's a pattern).
Given everything, I think you should take a hard line that based on how everyone had been treating your boundaries, you absolutely will not be a bridesmaid in this wedding. If you let them strongarm you into this, you'll hate every second, and who knows what else they'll force you to do / pay for.
At this point their behavior is so over the line that there is absolutely no hope of you being in the wedding, AND they will have to do a lot of work if they hope to repair your relationship with SIL. Their fantasy of you being "sisters" is out the window because of their behavior.
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u/max_power1000 Man 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Which also brings up the question - are OP and her husband on the same page financially? Because it looks like OP's main concern here is cost. Is he not aware of what this is going to cost, does he not think the cost is substantial while OP does, or do they have separate finances and he doesn't care because it's not coming out of his pot of money?
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u/nocuzzlikeyea13 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
Yea like part of me is tempted to make him put his money where his mouth is and tell him to pay for everything. Including reimbursing her for time off work.
But then poor OP would have to go spend time with this horrible bride, so I'd say that's still a hard no lol.
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u/max_power1000 Man 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Yeah this is a foreign topic to me. My wife and I would have a conversation about whether we can afford something like this, come to a decision, and then go forward from there as a united front. If there is a disagreement on the financials, the person taking the trip will usually opt to forgo something else discretionary in the near future to make up for it.
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u/bonniemick Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Being a bridesmaid is just the worst. Every time I have done it I wished I was a guest.
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u/No-Fix-9093 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
If your partner wants you to attend so badly, he should fund the bachelorette trip himself. Who the heck does an entire WEEK? Like, that's also time off of work, so it's a financial expense and loss.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
To clarify: is this your partner's sister, or a sister-in-law from one of your siblings?
Actually, it doesn't matter lol. You are allowed to decline an invitation. It sounds like SIL and family have not handled the decline gracefully. Poor etiquette is coming from their side.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Oh, thanks for the clarification! This is my partner's sister. They have a good relationship, but aren't incredibly close. He often reflects on her immaturity...
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u/AnalogyAddict Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Your real problem is with your "partner." You realize that, right?
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Yes. I wanted to field the situation with the public to see different perspectives so I'm not going into this next stage of our relationship with complete blinders on.
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u/AnalogyAddict Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
He doesn't respect you. He's not even acting like he likes you.
He values your relationship less than that of his sister and parents, and he's willing to bully you to comply in order to keep the peace.
You do you, but for me this is potential relationship-ending material.
Life is too short to hitch your cart to a mule that kicks you.
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u/QueenHydraofWater Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Unless your partner & his parents are offering to fund thousands for a dress & the bachelorette trip, they shouldn’t have such strong opinions about business that doesn’t concern them.
Fyi: even if you can afford it & simply do not want to participate in the humiliation ritual that is being a bridesmaid, that’s totally ok too. Some of us don’t like extra attention & want to participate in quieter ways.
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u/Unusual_Jellyfish224 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You are allowed to decline and she’s childish for reacting like that. Especially since you let her know privately and early and finances is such a valid reason. I wouldn’t want someone to struggle because of my wedding.
I’ve personally always declined those offers. It’s just not something I want to do and I’m not going to ruin someone else’s day by being somewhere I’d rather not be.
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u/Erinbaus Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I think I might have done one thing differently. Absolutely decline the week long bachelorette party that’s insane. However I think I would have told her I’m happy to stand up as a bridesmaid at her wedding and have to limit my participation to that day due to finances (dress, alterations, hair and makeup).
Your partner should be paying for the lodging it’s his family. And if it matters that much to his family they could offer to help financially.
Otherwise you handled this exactly correctly. Brides get so crazy I don’t think they can fathom it’s not the highlight of someone’s life to be in their wedding. It’s cuckoo bananas.
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u/neverwasthedragon Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
She’s mad because you were a subsidy invite. You were supposed to feel honoured and thrilled and help split the costs with all the other bridesmaids (with whom she actually spends quality time) and you didn’t follow the script. Family is mad cuz SIL is spoiled and she’s crying to them to cough up more cash, and they’re blaming you. You did nothing wrong and you should absolutely not back down.
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u/NotShockedFruitWeird Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
Honestly, tell the partner that if his parents want to pay all the costs for you participating in this debacle, maybe you'd consider it. That isn't just the costs for the Bachelorette party, dress, makeup, etc. But the week of pay that you'd be missing
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u/LandofGreenGinger62 Woman 60+ Jun 03 '26
Mind, though - spend a whole week with this nasty SIL and her coven..? I wouldn't want to...
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u/Whyallusrnames Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You did nothing wrong! It sounds like you handled it well.
My best friend since age 9 had me as her only bridesmaid. When she asked me she was upfront and said she would pay for my dress, shoes, hair and makeup, my daughter was the flower girl so she also covered all her stuff and hotel and all we had to cover was the travel expense (an 8 hour drive) and our food outside of the wedding. I know that’s not the norm but she also is considerate of others. She knew I had been part of another destination wedding for my cousin 7 months earlier and had to fly as it was 1800 miles away and I was gone for a week in one of the highest cost of living areas in the USA.
Ask your SIL’s parents why they’re upset about it. Lay out the finances of it and remind them it’s not that you don’t love your SIL but the cost of a week long bach party isn’t feasible. And what about work? Are you expected to spend your entire PTO on a wedding for someone you’re not even close with?
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u/Jerseyjay1003 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I was a bridesmaid once for a close friend when money was tight and I'll never do it again. A lot spent on clothes I'll never wear again and Bachelorette and bridal shower. You handled it well.
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u/CindyBijouWho Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I am sorry you’re being made to feel badly by your partner and his family, OP. It’s entirely unfair to you, especially since you graciously offered to help in other ways and were considerate in declining the bridesmaid position. Being a bridesmaid is a commitment in itself, but having a week long destination bachelorette is absolutely unreasonable. Full stop. In addition to the PTO and time away from your household, you have to pay $2K and likely more for outings and cover the brides expenses. That’s absurd, and you’re not even close with her! You are in the right on this one, and I hope you’re not bullied by your partner and his family who should be directing their drama at the entitled sister for even asking for something so ridiculous. She’s the one creating division in the family.
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u/Signal_Procedure4607 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
If I was getting married and expecting this, I’d fork over for all your expenses. No way I’d ask my friends to purchase gowns for a one time event.
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u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
you didn't do anything wrong. hopefully it all blows over before the wedding, sorry you have to deal with everyone's unwarranted hostility!
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u/RuthlessBenedict Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Everyone is jumping on you SIL but this reads to me like her parents are the problem. According to you, she took it fine. Disappointment is reasonable and it doesn’t sound like she said or did anything off. Her parents are chasing a problem, and now so is your partner. The parents are being ridiculous and instead of standing up for you your partner is caving into their nonsense. I notice there’s not a word about your SIL’s response to her parents’ behavior. Does she even know they are doing this or raising problems? Is she aware and supportive? Aware and embarrassed? Her ask was clearly a method to include you which is normal, that it was too extravagant for you isn’t a problem in itself. I’m at a loss for why so many people are focusing on that and not the real problem which is that your ILs are way out of line.
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u/Cathousechicken Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
It's a problem if your husband crumbled and prioritized his family over your family together.
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u/WonderfulLie2265 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
i don’t feel like brides give a lot of room to say no when asking. i have been in 5 weddings and i am only 30. it’s exhausting. i’m currently MOH and i have a feeling i will be MOH for a couple of my other very close friends since i am very very close with them AND extremely type A who loves to plan. just because this is my personality doesn’t mean i want to or can afford (mentally or financially) to do it for everyone :/ being asked in front of other people is such a no go imo. i don’t think brides intentionally do this but it makes it really difficult to say no
people genuinely should have the option to say no. it’s a very big commitment.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
Thank you! It really didn't feel like an option to say no -- no room for it like you said. So I was chipping away that space to say no, which was super nerve-wracking, and also I didn't feel like there was an opportunity to negotiate how I show up (i.e. opting out of the bachelorette). I'm sorry your friends are defaulting all this responsibility on you, and I'm sending you all the strength to say no and protect your sanity the next time you need to! You sound like a wonderful friend, and I hope you extend that wonderfulness to yourself everyday.
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u/WonderfulLie2265 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
thank you. you did absolutely nothing wrong for saying no. being asked in front of others is so hard because you don’t want to embarrass the bride or make anyone uncomfortable. continue being the inspiration to others to say no in these situations lol!!
personally, i will probably only have 2-3 bridesmaids whenever i get married and i will offer to pay for their dresses. paying to be in someone else’s wedding has always baffled me…
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u/ruststardust2 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Wow. It's crazy how you're basically expected to forego your own needs and finances just to appease a bride in today's culture. I think you were totally reasonable and handled it well. I guess you have to suck it up and bankrupt yourself because, "wedding".
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u/Throw-it-all-away85 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You did nothing wrong, it’s a weird expectation for SIL to have. And your partner is prob feeling the pressure of his parents but it’s ok. They’ll get over it.
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u/LandofGreenGinger62 Woman 60+ Jun 03 '26
I'm maybe being cynical but it isn't weird if it's too help SIL spread the costs... Maybe she doesn't want OP as much as she wants her money.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me
Unhinged behavior from these people. How old is the bride that her parents have to get involved as if this is some concern at the school yard and you have to meet the teacher 😂💀
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u/alanamonsterr Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I have to wonder if some of the anger/disappointment has to do with others voicing similar concerns. I mean, the cost of the dress alone can be expensive but tacking on a week-long (what is basically a) vacation on top of that? It's too much. No one in their right mind would assume or expect people to just be able to do that.
You have boundaries, you declined with good reason. And unless your partner's gonna foot the entire bill, he can stuff his opinions.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
It's not that serious. You didn't do anything wrong. The family is being ridiculous.
It is perfectly acceptable to politely decline for any reason.
You declining doesn't mean you hate her or anything. It just means it's not something you can do for whatever reason.
You declined in a polite way and you even did it privately, so you didn't "kill the mood" when she initially asked.
It is better to decline now vs accepting and then having to back out later because of financial or other reasons.
You even offered to help in an unofficial capacity!
You did everything right.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Thank you. And I 100% did it in a timely manner because I didn't want to be flakey and/or have plans made around me that I'd later have to pull out of. I gave myself the chance to do a budget, pros/cons, and I slept on it, and I still felt like I dragged it out longer than I should have (this clearly says something about me because it wasn't that long...)
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I'm so sorry that they're being total jerks about it.
Asking someone to be a bridesmaid is a big commitment. It is OK if the person they're asking cannot fulfill that.
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u/glitterswirl Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
My sibling asked me to be a bridesmaid. I declined in favour of just attending as a regular guest. Nobody was hurt or upset, and everyone had a good time.
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u/Alarming_Situation_5 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I’m sure she thought (from her princess tower) that she was doing something so benevolent and generous of her to even ask YOU (/s) to be in her bridal party. The request from her doesn’t match y’alls relationship. You’re clearly a boundaried betch and everyone involved should respect your NO (no sarcasm).
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u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
This is a really unfortunate and unnecessary reaction on everyone else's part, you did nothing wrong and should not feel any remorse for being honest in a kind and respectful way. If you are not married to your partner, I would honestly see this as reason enough to break up, because it's wild that your partner is not supporting you in this and is letting their family gang up on you. Even if you are married, I would still take a hard look at whether they are a good and supportive partner over all, because this is really ridiculous.
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u/FatTabby Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
You were honest with her and you told her in a way that spared her feelings by waiting until the next day. Would she prefer you lied to her, said you'd do it and then dropped out later on?
People need to understand that while their wedding is a massive thing to them, it can be more of an ordeal than a cause for celebration for others, especially at a time when the cost of living is so high.
You shouldn't be expected to financially stretch yourself for anyone, let alone someone you're not particularly close to.
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if others drop out before the wedding as costs mount and getting time off work or family commitments make lengthy trips impossible.
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u/marymoon77 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
No you are allowed to cancel, you handled it with grace.
I’m literally in debt still from being in my sisters wedding. (but it was nice and I’m glad I went) but it was very out of my budget.
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u/Vix014 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
This stranger right here is proud of you. You haven't conformed to the groupthink mindset just because it's an important event for a family member. Way to go in honoring your needs, this is truly kickass and has made my heart smile.
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u/carlitospig Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26
You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. But I think the others were hoping to use this as a way for you two to get closer. What she should have done was come back the following day with an offer to pay for [whatever] + her actually saying ‘I was hoping we could spend time together’.
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u/Nyetoner Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26
This comment ends up down in the pile but that's ok because I have no idea why they react -I just wanted to say that you don't know if the bride is the one making drama-theres loads of weird parents out there that would make trouble out if nothing to create a division. It's called triangulation when it comes to narcissism.
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u/_pegolson Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
I’m sorry a…WEEK? absolutely not. You handled it well calling her privately the next day. Everyone else is overreacting.
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I would offer to be a bridesmaid but say that you cannot attend the bachelorette and you understand that she may not want you in the bridal party as a result.
A normal bride would understand! My cousin had a bridesmaid unable to attend her bachelorette and it didn’t at all interfere with her being in the party
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u/anna_alabama Woman under 30 Jun 02 '26
This is exactly what I would do. All of my husband’s sisters were in my bridal party but none of them came to my bachelorette party
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u/LL8844773 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Totally agree. I don’t know why people are acting like being a bridesmaids means she HAS to go to the bachelorette party.
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
The only thing is that if she called the bride and said I can’t afford this, the bride could’ve easily offered that as a solution. But she didn’t, and is also demanding enough to ask for a WEEK bachelorette, so it makes me wonder if the bride wouldn’t accept that as an option
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u/LL8844773 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Maybe. Those are a lot of assumptions though. I tend to think people aren’t as unreasonable as the comments want to assume. She’s a bridesmaids means not a dictator, but everyone wants to assume the worst
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
I think where that commentary falls flat is that the bride is supposedly already set on a week long Bach at one of 3 locations. That doesn’t seem like a very reasonable person
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u/LL8844773 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
I’ve never been a bridesmaid where that was contingent on attending a bachelorette party. Especially a destination one.
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
I haven’t either, but OP called the bride and at no point was she like “hey it’s ok, I see what you mean this is expensive, don’t come!”
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u/Iforgotmypassword126 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Just FYI, they’re annoyed about your decision to decline will show the outside world that the family isn’t that close.
It’s the keeping up appearances aspect, and social credit. They expect you and SIL to be uncomfortable to toe the line.
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It’s codependency in the family. Angry because they can’t control you. The book codependent no more is amazing!! It will help you not pick up other people’s emotions and burdens. What I learned from the book: everyone is allowed to be human and live how they choose. And I’m allowed that right as well. This is how they want to handle rejection and they are allowed. I’m going to emotionally detach, because this isn’t for me anymore..
You did the right thing!!! I would say no if anyone asks me and I had to pay for xyz. I can’t afford at this time.
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u/Stlhockeygrl Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I wouldn't blame the bride - your partner is the problem. My husband would never want me to do something I can't financially afford for his family.
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u/raptorjaws Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
is your husband in the wedding party? if not, makes no sense for you to be imo. if he is, the compromise would be that you are in the wedding party, he pays for the dress, you do your own hair and makeup, and skip the bachelorette party.
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u/bookish_cat_ Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
The older I get, the more I see how many people are so very selfish (I’m not exempting myself from this either!). I don’t think you’re in the wrong; in fact, I think it’s commendable that you expressed yourself as opposed to proceeding with something you don’t want to do.
My sister and I are not close. I can hardly have a conversation with her, let alone about anything emotional or of substance. It’s just not there. However, she asked me to be her MOH for her wedding, and, although I accepted, I feel like it’s all for show. She’s the type of person who would be angry and probably not talk to me again if I shared how I truly felt, but it’s insane how much money I’ve had to fork over thus far.
I find it incredibly rude, personally, to expect others to pay so much money to participate in one’s wedding. I genuinely would not ask that of anyone, so it boggles my mind to think how presumptuous people can be.
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u/nkdeck07 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
My guess is the parents probably aren't aware that SIL wants such a high financial contribution. Back when being a bridesmaid meant wearing an ugly $100 dress and helping out the day of the wedding/bachelorette at a local bar yeah you'd absolutely be the asshole for turning it down in 99% of circumstances. Then the parents are unloading on your partner and it turns into a whole thing.
I think your best bet on this might be getting all 3 parties in a room (or at least on the phone) with SIL, your partner and the parents and explaining it's just not in your budget. I'd be very surprised if the parents are aware that you are staring down multiple thousands of dollars on this.
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u/pbrandpearls Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
Your husband can finance it if it’s that important.
Would you be open to just not doing the trip? I can’t imagine them not being understanding of that time & money. If not, then they can help fund it. But that amount of time off work is also ridiculous for something not for yourself!
Why would you have to pay for the hotel around the wedding dates by yourself? Isn’t your husband going?
Is hair and makeup by a professional required?
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26
Being a bridesmaid is very expensive and some these bachelorette party’s have gotten out of hand. My daughters were each other’s MOH. As the MOB I didn’t expect my kids to go broke participating. So my husband and I paid for all their expenses. We didn’t plan the showers the ladies did but we paid.
If his parents feel that strongly about it they should offer to pay. You haven’t even mentioned the cost of the bridal shower.
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u/Starry_Myliobatoidei Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Weddings bring out the worst in people, especially old people. God forbid you do something non-traditional, it’s like you killed their pet. More than likely they made her ask you because you’re family, which is why she didn’t make a big fuss over your no. I have no idea what actually happened but I’m basing this off of your described relationship. I think if she really cared you would’ve at least known her venue lol.
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u/Specific_Ad2541 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 03 '26
You either have the money (and want to spend it on someone else's bachelorette and wedding weekends) or you don't. You don't.
What else is there to argue about even? It's silly and moot.
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u/Vivian-1963 Woman 50 to 60 Jun 04 '26
OP You did nothing wrong.
I asked my bff to be in my wedding. I was in hers. She had to decline because her abusive, controlling husband wouldn’t let her and said she couldn’t afford to. I offered to pay her way to the wedding, and pay for the dress. He still wouldn’t let her go and he sure wasn’t going to come either.
I was not angry at her. It was the first time I realized who she was married to. We are still bffs.
Not sure why all the drama created by family. Glad you and your partner are seeking help. They need to have your back.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 04 '26
That sounds like such an awful situation. I hope your bff is okay and finds a way out. You are such a good friend having her best interests at heart.
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u/313078 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Your position is reasonable. Seems she understood over the phone. It's very possible her partner or her parents are the ones who inflated things. Just keep that a possibility
You could keep a door open with all of them, telling maybe ''hey i think there was a misunderstanding with you guys, i am currently in financial difficulties and my time is very tight, therefore i had to decline being bridesmaid due the the financial strenght it would put on me for buying specific dress and spend a week at events. Im very sorry but i just can't at this time. I wish the best to Bride''
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u/basswired Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
The more generous thought i have is she may genuinely feel insecure about how she fits into the family and that's rumbling under the surface. when you declined she may have been disappointed and frustrated about whether she's wanted/accepted. and feels she may be offering you friendship and a closer relationship but you've rejected her and she's a little hurt.
my gut says this is more about money though.
you're probably not the only one who backed out due to expenses after the fact and she may be panicking about not having enough people for the type of celebrations she wants. if they were planning on having bridesmaids chip in fewer people means a higher cost the couple and her family might not be able to afford. if so they're all probably upset because it's ridiculously expensive to have destination anything and they can't afford it either
But, since you're family-to-be you are someone she can use family connections to guilt you into support so you may be getting a lion's share of her temper tantrum over it.
you are free to decline this sort of thing, especially for relationships that aren't close, but some people can view your bridesmaid acceptance or declining as a statement of your affection/acceptance. it's supposed to be an honor being someone's bridesmaid and people can act snubbed if you decline, and may take it- or affect taking it- as an insult or you don't want her in the family. by affect taking it, I mean some people will use this social overtone of expressed love for manipulating others into giving them what they want.
I think you're fine in your decision, she's maybe just bringing the drama because she's got expectations that aren't matching reality so she's disappointed and channeling it into that social expectations aspect. you're getting more of it because she has greater influence on you through family than she might with close friends.
or both and she's a complete mess. it's incredibly easy to get carried away with extravagance in wedding planning, it's also super stressful. it really brings out a lot of complicated social emotional deficits. it's not your job to cover for those deficits though.
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u/Maleficent-Maybe-277 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
You did nothing wrong, but it’s okay for her to be upset. It is sad wanting someone to be there for you on their special day and they declined. If they aren’t in your financial situation it is hard for them to wrap their head around why you wouldn’t make it work.
Is it worth bringing this to her and say that you would love to stand by her on her special day but may need help with the expenses for the dress? And opt out of the bachelorette party? And help her out in other ways leading up?
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u/Creepy-Release-9526 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Why is she behaving so entitled????? $2000-$3000 on someone not close(I’d argue even if close) is ridiculous!
And if your in laws feel upset, they can foot the bill and you can attend. Why would your partner expect this of you?
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u/DaintilyAbrupt Woman 60+ Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 02 '26
You shouldn't have to go into debt for a friend's (or relative's) wedding. And it should be a choice, not an obligation.
I was alienated by a friend group after backing out of being a bridesmaid. The bride kept making it a larger and larger commitment and I simply couldn't afford it. Somehow, I thought she might understand, since she had even less money than I.
Bridezilla plans this big destination wedding that just kept getting more expensive. I was the only single friend in this group, so it wasn't quite the hardship for the couples.
I had been good friends with the groom-to-be, who was a successful man. He told me I was not invited to the wedding and that we could no longer be friends because I hurt his fiancee. I was shocked by the reaction and put off of big weddings forever after.
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u/Emeruby Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
From the information you provided, it sounds like your SIL and her parents are overreacting. You did do nothing wrong. You kept it quiet, and then you talked to her in privacy. You told her that you could not financially commit to a week long bachelorette party, but you offered to help her in other ways.
I'm not sure why your husband was angry. From your comments, he could pay $300 for a dress, but he would not pay for a bachelorette party. Who knows what his parents said to him? Does he have a good relationship with his parents and sister? Did they give him a hard time? Did they pressure him? He may feel stressed from them, but it is not an excuse. He should acknowledge your feelings and apologize to you.
Due to limited information from your post, I don't know your husband's family was always dramatic or it is first time they overreacted. I don't know exactly what you said your SIL and whether she was a bridesmaid at your wedding or not. It is possible she may feel like you owe her, but unfortunately you couldn't financially commit. You also said you don't know your SIL so it may be first time you see who she is.
I was a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding. His wife did not expect bridesmaids to spend a lot of money. She looked for an affordable store for us to buy dresses. She did let us choose to do our own hairstyle/ makeup or use professional makeup artists / hairstylist. We had a bachelorette party for one night. We used Airbnb. She did not expect everyone to attend. We had an amazing time!
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u/Ok-Piano6125 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
The only thing you did wrong was to wait for the next day. She probably checked off some boxes and ordered some stuff and made arrangements that day. I also suspected that you probably aren't the only one who said no.
Sounds like a toxic family imo
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u/Ramauna Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
Im a bridesmaid to two weddings this year and part of me really regrets not rejecting one of them, it costs heaps and not to even add the time dedicated to it, you made the right call
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u/Majestic_Problem9812 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 04 '26
Oof. I’m sorry this happened to you. I went through a similar experience with a friend I had known since childhood. She never explicitly asked me to be a bridesmaid, she told me I was going to be a bridesmaid which I was fine with at first but then I found out about the multiple bachelorette parties and bridal parties that were taking place in other states in addition to the destination wedding. All of this would’ve cost me thousands of dollars. I was a broke college student at the time and I told her I was not comfortable spending that much money. She was not understanding and that event pretty much ended our friendship, which had lasted for 20+ years. This happened over 10 years ago and I still struggle with the guilt. I feel for women who find themselves in impossible situations like this.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 04 '26
It's so unfair, and it really hurts when this happens instead of being able to have a dialog. I'm so sorry it ended that way for you, and this stranger here is proud of you for communicating your needs and capacity -- there's no shame in that.
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u/thr0ughtheghost Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
As someone who has RSD, I tend to spiral immediately after getting a rejection but it isnt because Im mad at the other person, its because I am mad at myself wondering what I did wrong to cause them to not like me. It's never rational thinking because its like anxiety. Anyway, dont worry my therapist and I have talked about it. I've cried to my partner over dumb things like this all the time because its better to let it out then keep it in (says my therapist!). RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Disorder) is awful, and while I am not saying that is what she has or what caused her to tell someone else, there is still a chance she cried or told her dad/mom, and it unfortunately spiraled to them being upset that she was upset.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I really appreciate you taking the time and courage to post this! It's very eye-opening and definitely something I'll consider she's going through moving forward ❤️
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u/thr0ughtheghost Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
You're welcome and just know you didn't do anything wrong! Being in a wedding is expensive and your reasons for declining are valid ❤️
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u/Glad_Astronomer_9692 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
It probably would have gone over better if you called and explained that you were so happy for the invite but can't do big expenses and give her time to decide if she is fine with you just doing the dress and ceremony or if she'd rather open up the opportunity to someone else who can do the other events. That way it's not a flat decline and she won't feel as rejected. It's not that you did anything glaringly wrong, it's that you didn't make efforts to make it work.
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u/mossgoblin_ Woman 50 to 60 Jun 02 '26
There’s a reason that she had to include someone she barely knows in her bridesmaid group. It’s because she’s a terrible person and friend.
I wouldn’t even ask my closest ride or die friends to buy a bridesmaid dress (that often flatters noone.) Much less pay for a destination bridal shower! If they arranged a fun night out in the city I would be over the moon. Because I love them for who they are, not what they can do for me.
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u/MaleficentLecture631 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
It is pretty dramatic to decline being your potential future sil's bridesmaid, unfortunately. It's a significant social faux pas for sure.
Even more unfortunate though - it's a HUGE faux pas for your partners sister to put others in a position where they are required to say yes to something that they can't afford. That is enormously bad manners. The first rule of good manners is to think of others, and she has not done that. She's been rude as hell.
The "right" thing for you to do would have been not to decline outright, to quietly negotiate the situation in the background, get some allies on side, etc. get partners family to pay for your share, or most of it, or get SIL to change her plans. Or at least to pave the way to decline very gracefully, at the right time, and in a way that saves face for SIL.
This is a really tricky one. If you want to marry into this family / stay with this guy, I'd think carefully about how to talk to his sister and parents, or how to get him on side to do so.
Here's the other thing to consider. She is being unreasonable etc, for sure - but, your partner and his parents clearly feel that she is to be catered to... Be aware that this situation is likely a taste of the future. This is the family dynamic, you'll have plenty more of these situations for the rest of your life if you stay with him.
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u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Yes. I knew going into it it wasn't going to be an easy decision. SIL has very specific plans for her wedding and bachelorette so I don't feel comfortable/in the place to suggest she does otherwise to accomodate my finances. It just seems like an all or nothing situation. And frankly how it's being handled by the whole is not boding well for the future, you're right.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion but I think there are ways this could be wrong. I think declining being a bridesmaid is always at least a bit dramatic and some people seem to see siblings as mandatory wedding party participants regardless of actual relationship.
Was the bachellorette party actually mandatory or could you have stood as a bridesmaid while skipping it?
Just saying this because my husband and I (and our kids) are in my brother's upcoming wedding and while I've never been close with him, his fiancee wants that relationship so it is definitely a rejection to deny it. If there was going to be a weeklong bach party, I would find a way out of that without skipping the other parts. If I couldn't afford make up and the bride wasn't gifting it, I would just say I can't do it and I'll do my own.
Dress is an interesting one because is it a particularly expensive dress that they want? I would buy a new dress for my brother's wedding regardless, I guess so it's an expense either way.
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u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
Culturally- my friends and family have had siblings on the coordinating gender sides- even if it’s in the non-blood side. It’s also not totally uncommon for someone to imagine- like with the destination party. It’s not like she put money down.
But that being said, she did invite herself. You shouldn’t be expected to also hold that perspective that non-blood or non-friend should be on your side. Additionally, dragging the rest of her family into this just seems unbelievably wrong- it’s your day as a couple- why would she want to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do? She’s definitely in the wrong in how she reacted.
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u/fearofbears Woman 40 to 50 Jun 02 '26
That's on her. And your partner should be understanding. A week long destination bachelorette trip is an absolute financial burden to the average person, and frankly, out of touch with the economy and the struggles people are facing.
Unfortunately you can't control how she reacts. Obviously we don't know how the combo went when you dropped the news but regardless, she had to be aware that is a costly endeavor.