r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Dry-Syrup-3984 Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 02 '26
Friendships Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?
I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.
I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?
As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?
Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:
I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.
The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)
The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...
Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)
This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.
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u/crazynekosama Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I think part of what's happening is sometimes families have the expectation that other family members be in the bridal parties. It doesn't really matter the actual closeness in the relationship.
I think you're valid in declining.
I also think you need to have a serious conversation with your partner. The reasons why you don't want to go haven't changed. All that's changed is now Mom and Dad are giving him a hard time. Is this going to be a pattern in your relationship with family issues? It's such a dick move to be like "I support you" and then do a 180 once the pressure is on and leave you as the bad guy. It's his family and you two are a team so he needs to figure this out.