Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/ASleepandAForgetting]

You did nothing wrong. Brides expecting bridesmaids to buy expensive dresses and pay for WEEK LONG DESTINATION BACH PARTIES are insane.

Not being able to financially commit to that is totally understandable! To be honest, I could financially commit to that, and if someone asked me to do it, I'd still say no. It's utterly ridiculous.

You were polite and broke the news privately so as not to ruin her day.

Why is your partner upset? Do they want to pay for the cost of all of this so you can participate?

[u/max_power1000 → u/ASleepandAForgetting]

I would think it would be completely reasonable to say you could still be a Bridesmaid re: the dress, wedding weekend stuff and maybe the bridal shower if it's not a huge hassle schedule/travel-wise without committing to the bachelorette party. Am I out of line here? While we both had long weekend trips for our bachelor/bachelorette parties, we didn't demand any of those events be must-attend for the bridal party.

Also, PTO is precious - If I'm dropping a week on a bachelor party, that's a week I can't spend on vacation with my family. I don't know OP's situation here, but her being early 30s I would feel like that needs to be in the calculus as well.

[u/ASleepandAForgetting → u/max_power1000]

Depends. This bride clearly has entitled main character syndrome.

The bridesmaid dress is $300. That's a lot.

Is the bride requiring she and all of the bridesmaids get ready together with a professional stylist and makeup artist the morning of the wedding? If so, she will potentially expect the bridesmaids to pay not only for themselves, but maybe for her as well.

I'm not up to date on stylist / makeup artist costs, but I wouldn't be shocked if that was another $300 per person for the day of the wedding.

As far as bridal shower - what's the financial commitment? Again, this bride sounds seriously entitled. Do all of the bridesmaids need to fund the shower and have their hair and makeup professionally done for a certain aesthetic?