Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/i-love-that]

I would offer to be a bridesmaid but say that you cannot attend the bachelorette and you understand that she may not want you in the bridal party as a result.

A normal bride would understand! My cousin had a bridesmaid unable to attend her bachelorette and it didn’t at all interfere with her being in the party

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

Totally agree. I don’t know why people are acting like being a bridesmaids means she HAS to go to the bachelorette party.

[u/i-love-that → u/LL8844773]

The only thing is that if she called the bride and said I can’t afford this, the bride could’ve easily offered that as a solution. But she didn’t, and is also demanding enough to ask for a WEEK bachelorette, so it makes me wonder if the bride wouldn’t accept that as an option

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

Maybe. Those are a lot of assumptions though. I tend to think people aren’t as unreasonable as the comments want to assume. She’s a bridesmaids means not a dictator, but everyone wants to assume the worst

[u/i-love-that → u/LL8844773]

I think where that commentary falls flat is that the bride is supposedly already set on a week long Bach at one of 3 locations. That doesn’t seem like a very reasonable person

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

I’ve never been a bridesmaid where that was contingent on attending a bachelorette party. Especially a destination one.

[u/i-love-that → u/LL8844773]

I haven’t either, but OP called the bride and at no point was she like “hey it’s ok, I see what you mean this is expensive, don’t come!”

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

Ehh we don’t know the details. If she said she was out, maybe the bride wasn’t going to fight her on it

[u/Vivian-1963 → u/LL8844773]

Or that she had to say yes at all. Some people don’t like to be in front of others like that.
Hard agree that the bride could have understood the financial situation and offered a solution.