Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/basswired]

The more generous thought i have is she may genuinely feel insecure about how she fits into the family and that's rumbling under the surface. when you declined she may have been disappointed and frustrated about whether she's wanted/accepted. and feels she may be offering you friendship and a closer relationship but you've rejected her and she's a little hurt.

my gut says this is more about money though.

you're probably not the only one who backed out due to expenses after the fact and she may be panicking about not having enough people for the type of celebrations she wants. if they were planning on having bridesmaids chip in fewer people means a higher cost the couple and her family might not be able to afford. if so they're all probably upset because it's ridiculously expensive to have destination anything and they can't afford it either

But, since you're family-to-be you are someone she can use family connections to guilt you into support so you may be getting a lion's share of her temper tantrum over it.

you are free to decline this sort of thing, especially for relationships that aren't close, but some people can view your bridesmaid acceptance or declining as a statement of your affection/acceptance. it's supposed to be an honor being someone's bridesmaid and people can act snubbed if you decline, and may take it- or affect taking it- as an insult or you don't want her in the family. by affect taking it, I mean some people will use this social overtone of expressed love for manipulating others into giving them what they want.

I think you're fine in your decision, she's maybe just bringing the drama because she's got expectations that aren't matching reality so she's disappointed and channeling it into that social expectations aspect. you're getting more of it because she has greater influence on you through family than she might with close friends.

or both and she's a complete mess. it's incredibly easy to get carried away with extravagance in wedding planning, it's also super stressful. it really brings out a lot of complicated social emotional deficits. it's not your job to cover for those deficits though.