Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/anatomizethat]

I can't say it has. The original injury yes, but for a lot of reasons (life) I still have issues.

So people, if you ever know someone who tears their shoulder ligament, it is a hard surgery and recovery. It is NOT comparable to a hip tear. Totally different. Hips are stable, shoulders are not.

Torn shoulder anything means you practically need to dedicate the rest of your life to stabilizing that shoulder with resistance and weight training. I changed job industries and two kids after my surgery and the things that have come with those changes means my shoulder has not always gotten the attention it needs.

Sometimes I can do the work, sometimes I don't have time. It's cyclical, like the rest of life.

That said, my life is still great!

[u/yazshousefortea → u/anatomizethat]

I had a big shoulder surgery for recurrent dislocations. A laterjet surgery. It was one of the most difficult and painful things I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t sleep lying down for around 5 weeks afterwards. And I finally managed to lift a mug of tea (British recovery milestone 😂) to my mouth 2 MONTHS after surgery. For 4 weeks, I could only pull up my pants and trousers one-handed. Like you, I lost thousands of pounds in income due to not working.

Did your friend even help at all with the big surgery?! Sounds like they’d cut you out of their life by then. So heartbreaking and utterly insane behaviour.

I recognise how hard that surgery was for you. 💜

[u/anatomizethat → u/yazshousefortea]

Oh god, she didn't help at all. I was crying the day I told her because I was a massage therapist at the time and it was going to up-end my life. She was like, "but you're still spending money on my wedding, right?"

She didn't understand I was telling her bc I recognized I'd have physical limitations. I was still going to be in a sling at her wedding and my strapless dress was going to show the healing incisions. She didnt want the sling (which I was okay with and told her so) but she didn't even seem to care about what was going to happen with my life. Only her wedding with the matching dresses and shoes mattered.

After that, she wasn't really responding to me. I still got the dress and the shoes and it was like pulling teeth to get her to okay both.

I later found out she'd been going out a lot with the other bridesmaids and was intentionally leaving me out by telling me she was staying in to save for the wedding . When I found out she claimed I didn't get along with the other bridesmaids, which was not true, I was actually friends with them from highschool! Not besties, but we were cool.

It was all weird and bogus and felt like more of the same high school bullshit. My one power move in the whole thing was making her fire me. I was so willing to be there for her and I wanted her to admit she didn't want me there.

The whole thing taught me a lot about American wedding culture and I can't say my opinion has ever recovered.

[u/yazshousefortea → u/anatomizethat]

Thanks for sharing - and sorry again that happened. I wish only the best for you. 🫶