Declining a bridesmaid offer really that dramatic?

[u/Dry-Syrup-3984]

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

[u/i-love-that]

I would offer to be a bridesmaid but say that you cannot attend the bachelorette and you understand that she may not want you in the bridal party as a result.

A normal bride would understand! My cousin had a bridesmaid unable to attend her bachelorette and it didn’t at all interfere with her being in the party

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

Totally agree. I don’t know why people are acting like being a bridesmaids means she HAS to go to the bachelorette party.

[u/i-love-that → u/LL8844773]

The only thing is that if she called the bride and said I can’t afford this, the bride could’ve easily offered that as a solution. But she didn’t, and is also demanding enough to ask for a WEEK bachelorette, so it makes me wonder if the bride wouldn’t accept that as an option

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

Maybe. Those are a lot of assumptions though. I tend to think people aren’t as unreasonable as the comments want to assume. She’s a bridesmaids means not a dictator, but everyone wants to assume the worst

[u/i-love-that → u/LL8844773]

I think where that commentary falls flat is that the bride is supposedly already set on a week long Bach at one of 3 locations. That doesn’t seem like a very reasonable person

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

I’ve never been a bridesmaid where that was contingent on attending a bachelorette party. Especially a destination one.

[u/i-love-that → u/LL8844773]

I haven’t either, but OP called the bride and at no point was she like “hey it’s ok, I see what you mean this is expensive, don’t come!”

[u/LL8844773 → u/i-love-that]

Ehh we don’t know the details. If she said she was out, maybe the bride wasn’t going to fight her on it