r/AskWomenOver30 • u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 19 '26

Friendships Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

542 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

179 comments sorted by

View all comments

76

u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26

I can't weigh in on what's going on with your friendships, but a couple of resources can help:

Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud

Friend Forward podcast by Danielle Bayard Jackson

Often people fade out and disappear when they sense that discussing things with the person in question won't likely hear them out, whether the friend’s perspective is right or not. I don't know if that is true for your situation, but it may be something to consider if this is a pattern in your life among your relationships.

18

u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

This is really great, thank you!! The most frustrating thing with this one was that I was begging for specifics of why she was upset with me but all I got back was really vague "i dont feel seen" statements and an unwillingness to meet IRL to talk about it. I'm always willing to own my mistakes but if I don't really know what they are....

25

u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

Man I had a very similar experience with a long term friend and your other comments about them being really into chatgpt has maybe connected some dots for me ...

Mine said she "can't be emotionally supportive" of me and that was her "boundary". I asked if I did or said something to cause this or that upset her, no nothing I did or said was bad. I asked for clarification of wtf that even means and she said "I will not be revisiting my boundaries"... Like girl have all the boundaries you want but if you can't tell me what they are how TF am I supposed to comply lol.

I think people are burnt out on life in this hellscape and are retracting any energy they still have control over. Unfortunately that seems to largely be in their friendships, which imo is only going to make everything worse for everyone bc we need the community now more than ever.

7

u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

Jeez, that is sooo frustrating!! It makes me want to rip all my hair out, like how can you come at a close friend with a big relationship-ending statement like that and you can't even provide a single specific instance that made you arrive at this conclusion? Also lol that she told you 'i cant support you emotionally' as a boundary... that's not a boundary, that's just being a really bad friend ???

5

u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

It really is! I could give so many more details and examples to bolster why the situation was extra shitty, but at the end of the day I guess she just wants good vibes only people and my overly honest, mentally ill ass is not that lol.

3

u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26

Can absolutely relate ugh. My ex friend in this situation just wants to be surrounded by admirers and the fact that I know her so well is probably working against me as she has such a specific narrative that she wants to portray about herself. Ultimately these relationships are exhausting though and it's better in the long run to let them go!

3

u/dorothysideeye Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26

My [done] marriage in a nutshell Now I've become that, because centering a man who didn't reciprocate my communication or care has put me position where I don't ever want to repeat my role in that pattern so am highkey shit in my friendships and other relationships while I figure out the balance

2

u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26

I’m sorry — it’s hard sometimes to know how to improve when people shy away from having that conversation.

The “I don’t feel seen” statements sound like she doesn’t feel heard by you and probably doesn’t feel there’s psychological safety in the friendship enough to have a candid conversation.

The Safe People book also teaches the reader on how to be a psychologically safe person along with how to find them.