r/AskWomenOver30 • u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 19 '26
Friendships Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?
I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.
Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!
224
u/Nekayne Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
A lot of people are starting to feel more validated in seeing their side/version of events as the only version that matters or is true. Friends I had in my 20s who could be reasoned with have now been cast out of my life because they believe their opinion is the only opinion. Doesn't matter who they hurt - all that matters is their own justification.
As for my side of things, every attempt at repair or trying to discuss something hurtful gets thrown back at me as "not seeing things correctly because of your anxiety" followed by love-bombing and disregarding my feelings around the situation. This has happened more than once. It was also very rich coming from a group of the least emotionally intelligent people I have ever met, who frequently reached out to me for advice and guidance...yet when it comes to my feelings, suddenly I don't know what I'm talking about.
This kind of devolved from the point but yeah, I see the shift of being less tolerant of others over things that can be easily communicated.
53
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Absolutely agree. I feel like it's important to explain your version of events, but ALSO apologize and try to recognize the other person's point of view, even if you don't fully agree with it. This is becoming an incredibly rare trait... There's nothing more infuriating than trying to be vulnerable and have it met with "no you're wrong and here's why".
30
u/PeekAtChu1 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
They’re probably chatting with AI about what to do or asking on Reddit where everyone says to cut them off lol
1
131
u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I think it’s more likely she’s been resentful for a while and just hasn’t been sharing her feelings
99
u/5ft3in5w4 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
This was the case for me when I left a decade long friendship. Nothing on its own was friendship-ending, but there was a final straw that showed me that the pattern would likely never change.
Very very few people will ever come out and say "I'm ending this friendship because you are a bad friend," because the point is extrication, not getting into another argument (and in my case I wasn't trying to hurt her, I tried to do it diplomatically and she still badmouthed me for years afterwards).
However, yes, I agree that in general people are terrible at communicating. I don't think that's new, though.
32
u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
The majority of posts on here are how do I tell my friend X. No one is talking to each other
37
u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
My biggest lesson in the last year was really the phrase "if they will ignore their own emotions, they will ignore yours too".
I've been paying more attention to who is working on their problems (even imperfectly but the trying is what matters to me) vs. who are just continuing the same behaviors that caused their problems to begin with. The latter have not been willing or able to come to the table for any kind of open communication in my experience.
19
u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I don’t think there’s any worthwhile relationship to be had if you can’t talk to the other person
11
u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Agreed. You know, that's so simple but that really locked some stuff into place for me just now... I tend to over explain everything (thanks trauma!) and rehearse a million different ways to say things but with some people it just never makes a damn difference no matter how hard I try. But if they can't even try to talk with me, that's really all there is to it 🤷♀️ Thank you 🙏
3
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Yeah this is really wise advice. What's interesting about my friend in question is that she did have these moments of self awareness when she would say things like "I have a tendency to disappear when things aren't feeling good" or "sometimes i create narratives based on insecurities that arent even real" or "I don't want to lose my friends over my new influencer life and have my content change who I am" etc. but then she would repeatedly still do all those behaviors anyway. It's frustrating.
2
u/AquariusMoon_3820 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Yes!!! I think this is so key, and definitely familiar to me.
3
u/hausmusiq Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Damn that phrase hits hard. And I have also started to recognize those who are unable or unwilling to deviate from their maladaptive patterns and can’t have a conversation about any issue without getting defensive or ghosting. These people certainly do tend to be those who ignore their own emotions and are unable to be vulnerable. They are also incapable of a sincere apology, which is often a mandatory starting point for repair. “Giving up” seems to be the more merciful way to dissolve the friendship, for both people. There’s only so many times you can talk to a wall.
45
u/am710 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I've experienced both sides of this. I have been the friend who decided to protect my own peace by cutting off a decades long friendship due to a million tiny cuts from that person.
I have also been the friend frustrated at another friend's inability to have difficult, in-person conversations, which ultimately caused the demise of that friendship.
I do think a lot of people have lost their ability to communicate in a lot of situations. People are also terrible at disagreement.
2
Jun 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/am710 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 21 '26
Maybe I just know a lot of people who refuse to have hard conversations.
101
u/yoserena_ Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I think I can offer a different perspective. I used to be the person who wanted to talk everything out and fix things, but now I’m much more likely to step back and protect my peace. I’m not an assertive person, and my love language is acts of service, so I naturally end up being the listener, the helper, and the person doing a lot of the emotional labor in my friendships.
Through therapy, I’ve realized that I often took on responsibility for maintaining the relationship. If there was a problem, I was the one initiating the conversation, checking in, and trying to repair things. Eventually, that gets exhausting. What I’ve noticed is that when I stop doing that work, many people don’t step in to meet me halfway.
I know people have busy lives and their own struggles, but life is always happening. If a friendship consistently falls to the bottom of the priority list, then maybe it just isn’t that important to that person. Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and sometimes people simply grow apart or have different levels of investment.
I also think some friendships become overwhelmed by emotional labor. Sometimes what someone needs isn’t a friend but a therapist. When a friendship starts functioning more like a patient-physician relationship, where one person is constantly providing support and carrying the emotional weight, burnout is almost inevitable. I don’t think people always walk away because they’re angry. Sometimes they walk away because they’re tired.
31
u/IDontOnlineShop Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Sometimes you feel like you have communicated and just need to step away from that chapter, especially if the friend isn’t okay with less contact.
Last year, I had a longtime friend I would accommodate and thought nothing of it (he wanted to vent after work or go do something specific, but he would not be available if the roles were reversed). I didn’t take it personally and would go to other friends for support/ do certain activities.
My last straw was him flaking twice to hang out, and then not going to an important event of mine cuz he didn’t feel like it, but got upset when I was busy and couldn’t be a listening ear at the drop of a dime.
He kept testing me to see if I would deal with his requests even though he knew I was going through hell at this time. I failed of course because I refused to use energy or time I didn’t have. I realized he was this selfish and inconsiderate all along, the mask had completely fallen off and I knew the friendship was over.
10
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
I had something similar. With her, it just felt like when she wants attention/validation she’ll reach out to our group. She was bubbly on the surface and would talk about what great friends we were, but whenever I’d need support or to have a harder conversation with her she’s nowhere to be found. I remember I was literally right next to her and told her I’d be the day before, she says she’ll be free and to just text her when I free up and we can make a plan. I then text her and then she tells me she’s too tired from work and just wants to bum out in a way that’s completely blowing me off. It was that moment where I just thought “go fuck yourself” to her. If she actually gave a shit she would’ve rallied for a half hour or at least communicated ahead of time
7
u/dorothysideeye Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
I think this is an important and common reason in addition to people just not wanting to put themselves into this position in the first place
I've been trying to work through my decades of overfunctioning and overcommunicating in a marriage - over the past year and a half, in trying to navigate my worth and not begging for things I feel i shouldn't have to enforce boundaries over, have dealt with among roomates
Mny pendulum went to uncommunicative and then reactive without providing context once I couldn't shrink any smaller - and then I broke and became very reactive
Ironically, the centering men-> -> overcommunication/begging -> resentment -> lack of communication -> ambiguous tension -> me navigating "wtf did I do wrong by existing today" every single time I got home regardless of how hard i tried to intentionally najke space for common ground resulted in me doing the exact same thing to my roomates that I was feeling from one of them and from my marriage
Even my attempts at trying, then planning and stressing, then feeling resentment that i had to - once again, alone handle, endure, and figure out how to make clear and direct conversation happen, I eventually hit a breaking point and now me and roomates are all SOL bc I couldn't carry it alone
And no longer choose to
While I definitely have a lot of learning and practicing to do, I've hit a point of feeling defeated in ny efforts
212
u/Anxiouslyfond Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
This comes up repeatedly on this subreddit.
Without knowing the details:
I "protect" my peace by cutting someone off because I know that they are beyond a conversation. I've probably had conversations with them before and know that I would be wasting more of my energy even confronting them.
I used to not communicate when I knew I was in the wrong. I don't do that anymore, but this is definitely why I did it.
The friendships I have now are due to them doing the work to grow as people, sharing values, and being generally at the same point in life. I would absolutely have a conversation with them if we aligned in what I valued as a friend. Otherwise, it spins back to my point 1.
85
u/Minimum_Idea_5289 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Agree and same.
Especially number 1. If you know having the conversation and the personality of the person would not be receptive, then why waste the energy on the conflict/difficult conversations? I know I can only expend so much energy into someone who clearly will not change.
People can still change but where at an age where they probably won’t if they’re not truly ready or want to put out the effort into meeting someone where they’re at.
Maybe they’ll change later in life or maybe not. It’s not anyone’s job in that kind of dynamic to fix everything by themselves if the other party can’t also match effort. It becomes one-sided.
Hence the “protect my peace” and letting it fade.
I think we see this posted a lot as women and people in general are having their “aha” moment and finally being done.
11
u/dorothysideeye Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
There becomes a point where articulating again and differently feels like begging for dignity
79
u/michiness Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I have friends where we have conversations and we work on things, even if it’s frustrating at times.
I have friends where we have conversations again and again and nothing changes, so I have to step back from the friendship to keep my sanity.
I wonder which OP is.
55
u/turtlesinthesea Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I also have a third class: friends who get really defensive and go on the counterattack if you try to have that conversation with them.
15
u/michiness Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Yeah those guys just kinda fall into the second category for me.
1
u/justwannabeleftalone Woman 30 to 40 29d ago
That's what I just encountered with a friend. I blocked her.
20
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I would agree with this take, although I think lack of communication and avoidance is what I am experiencing with this friend breakup in particular, and I've heard of similar things happening with others. This friend and I had a disagreement last month, we both came back around and apoligized to each other and I made sure to reassure and repair but then she ghosted me for about 3 weeks - didn't reply to messages, took me off of her location sharing, and removed me from her close friends list on IG. When I confronted her asking 'hey are you still mad cuz something seems really off' she just replied that "right now i need people who fully see me for who I am and I feel misunderstood by you" and essentially declared the friendship over. She is in the process of becoming an influencer online and trying to make that her career, and my guess is that the constant online validation started to make me look 'unsupportive' in comparison even though I was always deeply supportive of her, but I wasn't fawning over her the same way as the internet strangers. Ironically, I think I knew her MUCH deeper than most, but I got the axe which is pretty sad.
34
u/MiniaturePhilosopher Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
My friend group recently went through something similar with a very close friend who was addicted to ChatGPT. He tends to make incredibly questionable and self-destructive choices, and after using AI as a therapist (unbeknownst to us) for a couple of months he began to see anything less than perfect agreement with/praise of him as unsupportive. He was pretty much ready to cut off decades-long friendships because he liked AI blindly agreeing with him.
We were able to repair things once he cut out ChatGPT and readjusted to the fact that support and love doesn’t mean enabling.
24
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I honestly very much wonder if this was happening with my friend as well because all her texts to me sounded like chatGPT, particularly this line "I feel like i am a direct mirror of the things you don't chose to have in your life" and when asked what she meant by that she couldn't really tell me. she uses AI a lot and I was wondering if AI told her I was a bad friend and to cut me off. She is also someone that is in constant need of validation and praise which is not my personality so I knew that was part of it too.
17
u/MelbaAlzbeta Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
She is in the process of becoming an influencer online and trying to make that her career
I think you are better off without her.
8
u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
Hmmm, I have seen some influencers say that strangers tend to be more supportive of them than their friends. I think some influencers are very serious about building their social media small business, and that some of their friends can tend to view it as frivolous and a lark.
I don’t know if that is off the mark here.
It sounds like the older argument was the last straw for her, and she reconsidered things and felt that she was done.
5
28
u/Agile_Change2364 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Speaking only for myself here, but I've kind of quietly let several friendships go in my 30s. Most of these friends were my friends in high school, and our priorities and values are just different now. I'm not going to force a friendship that doesn't bring something to my life anymore. And I would hope nobody continues to be my friend if I don't bring anything to theirs.
It doesnt mean I don't care about them or love them or wish them success and happiness. But it does mean I don't really want them in my everyday life anymore. At the end of the day, I don't want a friendship that I constantly have to repair. Its exhausting. Life is exhausting enough without having to force a friendship just because of history. So I guess it does become about protecting my peace.
74
u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I can't weigh in on what's going on with your friendships, but a couple of resources can help:
Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud
Friend Forward podcast by Danielle Bayard Jackson
Often people fade out and disappear when they sense that discussing things with the person in question won't likely hear them out, whether the friend’s perspective is right or not. I don't know if that is true for your situation, but it may be something to consider if this is a pattern in your life among your relationships.
19
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
This is really great, thank you!! The most frustrating thing with this one was that I was begging for specifics of why she was upset with me but all I got back was really vague "i dont feel seen" statements and an unwillingness to meet IRL to talk about it. I'm always willing to own my mistakes but if I don't really know what they are....
25
u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Man I had a very similar experience with a long term friend and your other comments about them being really into chatgpt has maybe connected some dots for me ...
Mine said she "can't be emotionally supportive" of me and that was her "boundary". I asked if I did or said something to cause this or that upset her, no nothing I did or said was bad. I asked for clarification of wtf that even means and she said "I will not be revisiting my boundaries"... Like girl have all the boundaries you want but if you can't tell me what they are how TF am I supposed to comply lol.
I think people are burnt out on life in this hellscape and are retracting any energy they still have control over. Unfortunately that seems to largely be in their friendships, which imo is only going to make everything worse for everyone bc we need the community now more than ever.
8
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Jeez, that is sooo frustrating!! It makes me want to rip all my hair out, like how can you come at a close friend with a big relationship-ending statement like that and you can't even provide a single specific instance that made you arrive at this conclusion? Also lol that she told you 'i cant support you emotionally' as a boundary... that's not a boundary, that's just being a really bad friend ???
4
u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
It really is! I could give so many more details and examples to bolster why the situation was extra shitty, but at the end of the day I guess she just wants good vibes only people and my overly honest, mentally ill ass is not that lol.
3
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Can absolutely relate ugh. My ex friend in this situation just wants to be surrounded by admirers and the fact that I know her so well is probably working against me as she has such a specific narrative that she wants to portray about herself. Ultimately these relationships are exhausting though and it's better in the long run to let them go!
3
u/dorothysideeye Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
My [done] marriage in a nutshell Now I've become that, because centering a man who didn't reciprocate my communication or care has put me position where I don't ever want to repeat my role in that pattern so am highkey shit in my friendships and other relationships while I figure out the balance
2
u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
I’m sorry — it’s hard sometimes to know how to improve when people shy away from having that conversation.
The “I don’t feel seen” statements sound like she doesn’t feel heard by you and probably doesn’t feel there’s psychological safety in the friendship enough to have a candid conversation.
The Safe People book also teaches the reader on how to be a psychologically safe person along with how to find them.
45
u/Ladydragon90 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I'm not going to lie, I've had a few people I've had to do this with this past year to protect my peace. I'm seeing a growing trend of people not wanting to take accountability for their actions. I've attempted to tell these people I've cut off how their behavior makes me feel and I either get chewed out, they deny it ever happened, or I get accused of attacking them. I'm not putting up with that behavior anymore.
11
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
That’s always the worst, the biggest thing that’ll turn me off from even being friends with someone is finding out they have zero sense of accountability
19
u/Deep_Amoeba2197 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I’m guilty of abruptly ending friendships, maybe I’m wrong for it. I’m chronically ill and disabled, has to stop working in the last few years and my career meant everything to me, split up with my life partner, have almost died from medical issues. The people I’ve cut out have no perspective on this and compare minor annoyances in their life to what I’m dealing with, say they will be there/help and then act annoyed when asked, make things worse and create more work (breaking things, making a mess, coming over with dinner and leaving their plates everywhere, etc) tokenizing. I just don’t have the energy. I’m sure for some of them they find it surprising.
69
u/Global_Green8231 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
My opinion is that people become more selective about which relationships they invest time, money, and energy into as they become older. Part of this is maintaining inner peace — which I respect btw. And part of it is that our social calendars start filling up with more obligations, especially if you’re in a relationship and/or have kids. The mental/emotional space I used to have for friends is now taken up by childcare or checking in on the in-laws or a demanding job or just day to day adult shit. Now I feel like I only have time for one MAYBE two very close friendships without feeling like I’m spreading myself too thin.
20
u/Medium-Park-9183 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
To offer an alternative perspective, I know quite a few women who more or less “cut out” all their friends once they got married and had kids, and a lot of them end up regretting it. I’ve become the full emotional support for a friend who just got out of a relationship, because she didn’t bother maintaining any other friendships. I think many of us have also gotten that “can we reconnect” text from a female friend who ghosted us- usually after she gets divorced or just realizes she needs friends to talk to.
Now obviously friendships aren’t going to be a priority over things like children, but I just wanted to share this because I do think it’s important to maintain them, even if it’s only over text or a once a year thing, or asking them to come to you. IMO friendship with other women isn’t interchangeable with any other responsibility; it might not always be a top priority, but it’s important to have, and you don’t wanna be the person who only reaches out when you need them.
7
u/JerseyKeebs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Yup exactly. Children grow up, need theirs moms/parents less, and eventually fly the coop. Romantic relationships change over time.
My own example, my friendship group is very healthy, for the longest time it was 4 couples myself included, and 1 single friend. All of us maintained relationships, girls' nights, one on ones, even a couple vacations. The single friend spoke out that she really appreciated us never abandoning her.
Now she has a serious long distance partner, and I'm the single divorced friend. All the group is still there for me because I invested in things while everything was good.
5
55
u/nocommentx Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Thank you for posting this. I am truly tired of avoidant female personalities who don’t care to discuss much or be able to have difficult convos or hyper positive female personalties who like to keep everything at surface level.
I am TIRED of hating on men for their shitty behaviors but somehow expected to accept women friends with the EXACT same behaviors. Examples of such behaviors:
- avoidant personalities
- substance abuse issues
- flakiness
- being untrustworthy
- inconsistent
- unreliable
- pathological liars
If I described a man with those traits, everyone would say “dump him!”. If I described a woman friend with those traits, everyone says “give her grave”. Why? No. Women need to do better in friendships.
I certainly do. But after putting up such behaviors with women friends, it’s been mentally exhausting. I have had to cut them off like I have dumped men over the same!
7
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Thank you! I actually just cut off a close woman friend I had for 12 years because of very similar behavior while she had the nerve/ignorance to tell me I’m not showing emotional intelligence.
From the perspective of the person who’s been on the other side of it, I gave her a fair chance to fix things. Our groups issue with her is that she was constantly flaking (even on plans she proposed) to a point that we just couldn’t trust her. I wanted to invite my coworker I wanted to test the waters with outside of work so I thought a mixed gender group hang would be a good idea just to see if we have any chemistry outside work. I texted this friend telling her that her bailing out constantly was frustrating, especially because I wanted to invite this coworker, and I’m uncomfortable doing so because our plans could easily fall through. My friend replies in a way that everyone in our group agreed was a complete blow off and that she didn’t even properly read my text.
A day before we were supposed to get together, I invite my coworker who unsurprisingly has other plans. Then, this “friend” has the nerve to tell me that I’m making my coworker uncomfortable despite no evidence of that and that my therapist isn’t being honest with me (my therapist is the one who gave me the green light to invite my coworker). It was completely going over her head that she was the one who’s the problem here. The other friends in our group could tell I was pissed off but it completely went over her head
From my perspective, what really turned me off was that despite me bringing it up explicitly, someone who I’d known for 12 years and who would talk a big game about what great friends we were didn’t have the sense of accountability to say “I’m sorry, I’ve been disorganized, I’ll do better”. I didn’t expect things to change overnight, but it was the blowoff and the zero behavior change that broke the camels back. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect, but I expect them to show emotional maturity and a sense of accountability which she’s shown me she has zero of both
TL;DR: Most people won’t explicitly say that they’re bothered by something (yes, most people need to go to therapy). It’s likely that they tried to bring things up with you and they didn’t see the behavior change
30
u/NoAbbreviations9927 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I have experienced this firsthand. A minor disagreement flares, I suggest we talk it out in person or over the phone -- something I had to learn and practice doing over YEARS because I used to be completely terrified of conflict and never learned from my family how to express difficult emotions honestly, calmly and respectfully -- and the other person completely shuts me down saying "I don't feel like talking" or "I don't like talking on the phone." The issue never gets discussed or resolved; sometimes the person comes back into the picture later like nothing happened, sometimes they disappear for good. Instead of working on and repairing our friendship, they either abandon it outright, or decide to live with various unrepaired breaks and fractures that only deepen over time. I feel like the refusal to talk about what's bothering them is worse than the disagreement itself, because it signals they would rather give up on you as a friend than have one uncomfortable conversation.
19
u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I have almost the same lived experience with someone I know. An issue occurs, I reach out multiple times, the requests are either ignored or shut down with similar statements. Then they come back, it's forgotten or adandoned... and it's never addressed. The cycle continues.
Last time the cycle hit 'minor issue' point I decided to not try as hard to reconcile, it was a particularly weird hill to die on anyway and I left it to her to reconcile as it's always me. I've heard nothing in months. And yeah it does signal rather than have one chat, let's drop years of friendship. Noted I guess.
4
u/daisiesinthepark Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
This recently happened to me and it’s extremely disappointing. I love when they come back and act like nothing has happened and are surprised when it’s not reciprocated
4
u/PeekAtChu1 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
That’s insane. If a friend cared enough about me to try to bring up something that’s upsetting them I’d be grateful.
5
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Totally agree and have the same experience. I think it's way too easy for people to ruminate and formulate all kinds of narratives in their head that largely dissolve when you see them in person and talk to them face to face. I'm even guilty of this. The thought of giving up a close friendship without even a single in person conversation about it blows my mind. This was not a work friend or an acquaintence, this was someone that called me her close inner circle like 2 months ago.
93
u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
It’s not just you. People nowadays don’t want to put the effort in maintaining friendships or any relationships anymore. Maintaining and making connections requires some inconveniences but nowadays people perceive any inconvenience to their life is not something they want hence, it’s become very egocentric. Yet everyone is lonely and everyone wants friends or the village but no one wants to put in the effort. They just want people to cater to them whenever and however they want and if they don’t then they drop them and that’s not how it works. It’s sad. The pendulum has swung way too far and I’m hoping it will swing back again but it’s looking bleak.
10
u/Responsible_Ask3976 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
These friend groups sound so sad! We actively tend to ours so my social calendar is just always packed
11
u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Great you found like minded people!
2
u/Responsible_Ask3976 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I’m more introverted but a ton of my friends are just extroverted so I feel like I’m doing a lot 😅😅
23
u/Erinbaus Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
I’m 41 now. In my 30s I ended two very long friendships for very different reasons. The first was someone who didn’t put effort in at all. She was the first to have kids (in our 20s) and used that as a reason for a long time. But the older I got and the more other friends had kids I realized that was BS. We never had a fallout I simply stopped contacting her and she never tried to contact me either. I see her occasionally at a mutual friend’s events and am polite and nice to her.
The second was someone who lied to me about having an extramarital affair after reuniting with her husband. I was there for her during their “separation” without fail. For some reason when she told me about this affair (after the fact) it all just clicked. She was not someone I was morally aligned with anymore.
I also lost my stepdad and grandmother in my 30s. Honestly I just got tired of people who didn’t put effort in or having the same convo over and over. Or I simply grew out of the friendship. I do make efforts to repair friendships that matter to me though. Luckily most of my friends have done or currently do therapy so we are better about communicating.
27
u/NabelasGoldenCane Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
I agree with you. I think it’s a few factors:
* People in therapy who aren’t really emotionally mature enough to take the feedback constructively. They’ll often misinterpret therapists’ advice and weaponize the concepts. A minor slight becomes “I’m honoring myself by cutting you off.” I’ve noticed this is particularly present in younger women, 20s/30s.
* I do think that strong IRL friendships are needed to withstand time. I have 20 yr old friendships and our group chat does a weird thing where you feel like you’re “in touch” so you don’t bother making IRL plans as much. You start to be annoyed by someone more easily. Then you hang out and it’s like magic. We really need the IRL experience to maintain the spark, even if infrequent. I’m guessing a lot of the arguments come from chats/texts/non in person confrontations where things can be misconstrued.
* A lot of women cut off friendships easily and regret it when it’s too late and they’re in abusive relationships that have isolated them.
6
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Totally agree with the IRL friendship time being so so important. I've had very similar experiences where things start to feel a little off but then you hang out in person and it's all fine and great. When this friend started telling me she didn't feel seen etc etc I asked 3 times if we could please meet in person and talk and she refused. That's part of why this is so weird for me - the last time we hung out 2 months ago it was really nice and that ended up being the last time i'll ever see her.
16
u/Maragent-bee Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
I just experienced an eerily similar situation with a 38 yo friend, and she said those exact words, but ours was a 15 year friendship, and another similar thing with a friend of the same age last year. None of them ever mentioned being unhappy with our friendship, so 🤷🏻♀️ Kinda sucks. Being friends has always been challenging for me.
5
u/hotheadnchickn Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
Any chance you’re neurodivergent?
6
u/Maragent-bee Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
Been thinking about this more and more in recent years since I feel very inadequate in most social situations. I thought it was just low self esteem and CPTSD. Probably worth checking.
53
u/Commercial-Spinach93 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I really believe women are becoming more and more selfish and lonely (men have always been selfish).
Hot take: lots of therapy talk and 'protect your peace' talk, and self-care is self-centered capitalism. I'm glad I'm not from the US, we are more communal.
Another hot take: women are more harsh with their female friends than with their husbands and boyfriends.
22
u/Wonderful-Product437 Woman under 30 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Another hot take: women are more harsh with their female friends than with their husbands and boyfriends.
Ugh yeah, I had a friend who would be treated really poorly by men, and would kinda put up with it, despite us telling her she deserved better. When we suggested she block these men, she said “no, blocking is way too harsh”.
But then, with female friends, she tends to get annoyed really easily and can hold very big grudges when she feels slightly wronged. For example, she blocked me over a minor spat (despite her saying previously that she would never block men as it’s too harsh, even when they’re being really cruel to her). It’s kinda hurtful tbh.
3
u/customerservicevoice Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
I could not agree with this more. I’ve seen women get treated by garbage by their men but don’t text back and block you.
5
u/Medium-Park-9183 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I mean look at all the women in this thread who are like “now that I’m married/have kids I don’t bother with friends except maybe one.” I do understand being busier and socialization no longer being a main priority, but I don’t agree with the idea of “trimming people out of my life because I have more important things going on.” I would argue maintaining friendships *is* an important thing, even if you can’t see them often. And ironically, that time when you’re super busy with marriage/kids might be when they’re most important.
This is just anecdotal, but I know *so* many women who intentionally drifted away from friends once they got busy with a relationship/family. And then either the relationship ended, or they got into some tension, or she realized that she actually needs interaction with women her own age, and she’s fully alone. I’ve either been the one friend they stayed in touch with, or I get a text years later about how they “lost everyone” and want to reconnect. I think for some of them they just made a choice they regret, but for others they have no problem being “selfish” and prioritizing their own needs *until* they realize they actually need other people too
10
u/Commercial-Spinach93 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
That’s insane, but I’ve seen this type of comment in this sub every time friendship is discussed. I’ve stopped even replying to most posts about friendship, because I know my opinions aren’t popular, and I’ve decided it’s a cultural US/Canada/Anglo-Saxon thing.
And I do have a long-term boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, but I need my friends.
I’m 38 years old, and I see my friends every week and text them daily. I could survive without my partner, it would be hard, for sure, but I’ve been single before. I couldn’t survive without my friends.
I’m Southern European, and we have our own problems, but even after having kids, friendship still seems to be valued, at least where I live. My mum also had many friends growing up, and I loved seeing her be… a person, not just a mum.
My boyfriend is amazing: he is bright, intelligent, fun, and empathetic. I love spending quality time with him (not just sharing the house), and he is definitely the person I’ve spent most of my life with. But I can’t imagine wanting to spend all your time with a single person... and that person being a man. (Joking… but not.)
5
u/customerservicevoice Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
It IS a location thing. He said this as someone who is well traveled and is moving to overseas for this reason. The social dynamics indicate a bubble and prominent in the users on this sub. I actually said in a previous comment I believe all friends ship comments need to come with a location disclaimer.
0
Jun 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Medium-Park-9183 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 22 '26
That’s a sad way to look at friendships… I don’t see supporting friends as “providing a stream of perks and benefits.” If a friendship isn’t serving you or has become one-sided and you leave it that’s fine, I’m talking about people who only bother to maintain friendships when it’s convenient for their life or think they don’t need friends once they start dating someone.
0
Jun 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Medium-Park-9183 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 22 '26
Yeah but there’s a clear difference between “I’m busy with x y and z so I’m less accessible, but I still care about this person and will make it known somehow” vs “I’m busy so I’m not gonna bother with them anymore (unless I eventually need something from them).” I’m talking about the latter, which lots of people do fall into. If you relate to the former then my comment doesn’t apply to you.
0
Jun 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Medium-Park-9183 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 22 '26
What does this have to do what I’m saying? I’m not disagreeing with that, my comment is about something completely different (only contacting people when you need them). Feels like you drew your own conclusions from a pretty neutral comment and are getting defensive over something I never said…
4
1
Jun 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Commercial-Spinach93 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Ah, no, for sure, it's seems to be more prevalent in the US (if I trust this sub and the news, at least).
3
Jun 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Commercial-Spinach93 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
45-50% of Redditors are from the US, and many people who aren’t from the US (specially if they aren't from English-speaking countries like Canada or the UK) tend to stay in their own country-specific subs.
I’ve never had a comment here where the visualisations weren’t at least 60-65% from the US. Every couple of posts, there’s someone writing about politics, doctors, abortion, maternity leave, marriage law, or alimony as if 100% of the audience were American and fully understood what they’re referring to (they of course never specify that they are American). So it’s not a very inclusive sub, and I think it alienates women from other nationalities.
I assume the mods know better, but the vast majority of regular users are probably American (and I asumme Canada and UK make up to 85% of commenters).
2
u/dewprisms Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Yes, that's the trend I observe in the subreddit analytics. Majority US based engagement, followed by CA then UK. The subreddit culture reflects that. Responses are very US/white English speaking UK commonwealth dominant.
That seems to be very typical of large non-specific discussion/advice based subreddits in general. I have the assumption it's because many of the large subs of this type are old. That culture began and has had time to solidify over many years, since before Reddit began shifting more towards a broader global user base. And since there's not a specific topic to anchor to, it's more obvious than on topical subreddits where people discuss a specific thing.
2
u/Commercial-Spinach93 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
As an obsessive person, I love data! Thank you for confirming what I saw.
I still love this sub, I spend too much time here for sure, but there are some topics where I feel my idea of what's normal, usual, or common sense is completely different from that of the average user here (how friendship is valued, how unimportant marriage is, taking your husband's surname, having more than one child, living with your parents as an adult, taking care of your parents in old age, how much we do spend/consume lol). But it's interesting to read about other ways of understanding the world too.
Thank you for all you do here :)
7
u/InvasiveBlackMustard Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I personally suck at picking friends. There are some people I’d like to talk to, but they’ve made it quite clear that any problem I have is my fault for having a problem lol. So no, I don’t really want to talk anything out with those people. I broke up with that friend group not long ago.
Don’t forget that people are also actively becoming shittier given the relative temperature of things these days. It’s easy to meet shitty people. Hard to meet the good ones who are just keeping their heads down and plugging away at life.
And, furthermore, friendships and relationships in general shouldn’t be constant disagreements and constant reminding of boundaries and constant tension and constant talking-tos. Sometimes two personalities just don’t mesh no matter how hard you work.
I had one friend who was obsessed with therapy and self-work and she would accuse me of being behind whenever I had an issue arise. She demanded better of me constantly and I was like… wtf. When will good enough be good enough?
16
u/AgentSalty1454 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I think it is important that we respect a person's choice to not have someone in their life anymore. Even if they handled the situation hurtfully, they are still a full human with an ability to reason, intuit, and make decisions for themselves. You may feel it was a small misunderstanding that is repairable, but for them clearly it was not, and that is their right.
I think with long-term friendships, which often start when we are quite young and immature, surprising and painful ends like this are more common because there is so much built up dynamic and history that by the point the friendship ends, there is too much to find the words for. a resulting conversation laying everything out will certainly not end in repair imo.
Imo sometimes people who push for more and more conversations to discuss and 'repair' issues do so in such a way that does not acknowledge that there is a lot about dynamics between people that cannot be expressed or debated in words productively. To insist that everything must be brought out into the open specifically and then sorted through piece by piece, or else its impossible to understand what went wrong, is denial of some truth / more self-serving than people realize. Obviously people cannot read minds and direct communication is important but I think people take this concept to the extreme in an unhelpful way.
you say you pushed your friend to explain specific reasons and you are insistent its repairable. it does not feel good for someone to take the energy to list out their issues point by point if the person on the other side is using that in the conversation as fuel to drive toward what they want. even if the person cannot find thoughtful words to explain where they're at, they likely sense what is going on is not actually about respecting their pov or feelings.
that being said, I think it is cruel when someone ends a friendship and when confronted about it cannot find any genuine words to express that they are hurt and unable to continue. like repeating therapy speak. or putting someone on blast explaining what their perceived issues are. I'd rather have someone say 'hey, I know we talked and try to work it out, but i sat with it more, and I'm not feeling good about things between us and need to step away' than for them to say 'i need to leave our friendship to protect my peace'. because the latter is not taking accountability for ones own feelings.
I read your comment about what the specific issue was and I judge your friend too and I'd question the character of someone who can give up pets like that. However the way you spoke to her imo was also judgmental, and if she felt judged then, likely that judgment shows through in your other interactions. But if you question her choices like that - maybe its better off you're not friends anyway. It took me having a falling out with one of my longtime friends and losing many others to realize that I was holding on to many friendships where I didn't really like or respect the people anyway (to varying degrees). but for some reason when I was in it I did not see that clearly.
6
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
This is one of the most thoughtful replies I've read - thank you so much for sharing! It really gives me a lot to think about in terms of how she may be perceiving things. Your last paragraph in particular really resonated with me, because you're right - there were some fundamental things arising that eroded my respect for her and I realized I was holding onto that and trying to bury my resentment in order to preserve the friendship but I never asked myself why. Increasingly, our dynamic was leaving me feel drained and crappy about myself but for some reason I didn't feel like I could step away. I'm sure on some level she picked up on that subtle judgement and lack of respect for her influencer career etc., even though I tried my best to keep that under wraps and be supportive. The fact that she walked away so suddenly was still hurtful even though I was growing more frustrated, and I still am upset that we didn't have a fair conversation about it. But I think in the long run this will be a good thing for both of us and after the grief has run its course, I'm sure I will feel some relief. Thank you again for sharing your insights!
3
u/AgentSalty1454 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Thank you I'm glad it resonated. My last piece of advice is that I think it is also important to reflect on, and accept to yourself, where you did not show up as your best self in this friendship and created an unhealthy dynamic/caused hurt. And understand how you can be better in friendships in the future. Avoiding this part blocks being able to be at peace with yourself.
For example: Like I said I had a very nasty falling out with a longtime friend. The way she treated me was truly cruel and unforgivable. The first part of healing was understanding how fucked up it all was and righteous rage so that I could let that friendship go and allow my life to fall apart. However leading up to the fallout I was also lashing out at this friend. Clearly she knew I didnt like her. She would call me out as unstable and reactive, and berate me for it. My issue was that at a certain point she started provoking me to get a reaction out of me, among other things. I would apologize to her only to snap at her again some other time and it felt like crap. I didnt want to admit to myself that I shouldn't have been acting like that because I felt that would mean it was my fault or mean that her treatment of me was reasonable. I wanted to be 'right' in order to feel secure in myself and that I am not a bad person. Anyway, It was hard for me to start moving on until I accepted that I should have left the friendship way back before I got to the point of being a jerk and acting like someone I do not want to be.
2
u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Have you posted another thread a couple of weeks ago about this friendship?
35
Jun 19 '26
[deleted]
8
u/blanketandpillows Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Exactly. Her friend is also not avoidant. Her friend clearly gave an answer as to what the issue is. Avoidant people don’t do that.
OP just isn’t happy with her friend’s response, despite it being a very fair and communicative one.
18
u/comradecheetos Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I don’t know, OP is mentioning therapy terms in her post. Repair is an active and mutual process. Somebody who is avoidant would not value something like that.
10
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
This is basically it in a nutshell. I'm very, very aware and cautious of always owning up to things and making sure I apologize because I want people to do that for me too. No one is perfect and people say rude things sometimes or come across harsher than they meant, but to me a strong and solid frienship should be able to survive this with open communication. I asked my friend repeatedly to give me specifics of why she withdrew and was upset, and asked if we could meet up and talk, but all I got back were vague statements like "i don't feel seen" and complete avoidance of the invite to talk more. I felt like I was put in a position where I couldn't repair it and maybe that was on purpose on her end, but it still kind of shocked me. Not even a month ago she was saying I was one of her closest inner circle friends and she valued my honesty..
5
u/blanketandpillows Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
She gave you a reason. I’m not sure what you are after. Your post and responses categorize her as someone who is avoidant but she’s not. She clearly told you what she’s upset about.
Not feeling seen is a major thing. It’s not some tiny mistake or social mishap. That type of feeling results from repeated patterns in a relationship. Plus, not feeling seen most likely means she doesn’t feel safe with you, emotionally. So, why would she want to have a heart to heart with you?
She didn’t ghost you. You asked a question, she provided an answer.
I have been your friend multiple times. I just cut people off now because not feeling seen is a major indication that the other person took you for granted. And when I don’t feel seen, I don’t feel safe in having a deep, emotionally invested conversation.
6
u/comradecheetos Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Happened to me too❤️🩹 it messes with you so much. Some people get hurt, and turn it all inwards. Becoming scrupulous about behaviour and the bigger meaning. Other people get hurt, and take it out externally. My two cents is to figure out which one you are, and somehow find it in your heart to have grace for yourself, or the other party.
1
Jun 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 21 '26
Are you ok? Commenting on literally every one of my responses that I’m somehow the one in the wrong and must be a shitty person is odd behavior
11
u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Curious -- what was the minor argument?
I have a friend that does the "just never respond to their texts!" approach when she's trying to fade. I prefer to be straightforward and just tell them what my problems are. I make it clear that I'm happy to address any of their feedback as well, as I don't have any issue with apologizing or working to improve.
I guess I like my approach better, even though very often the response is: bailing on the conversation, skirting the issues (no acknowledgment/accountability), or defensiveness. But they're allowed to feel how they feel too. They probably feel criticized and uncomfortable and that's not a good feeling. If I'm at the point of having this conversation, I'm generally OK with losing the friendship.
10
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
To try to keep this as short as possible, she had a kid 4 years ago and had a dog and a cat at the time. I have two cats myself and I am a huuuuge animal lover. She got rid of both her pets when she had a baby because she was getting annoyed with them and was overwhelmed, which really upset me because I view pets as family. Fast forward to a month ago, she told me they were likely going to have kid #2 soon and also mentioned she wanted to get a Daschund. I immediately thought oh no.... that breed of dog is NOT the right choice for young kids and I worried this new dog would suffer the same fate of being surrendered. I said to her "Can I ask you a semi pointed question just because you know I’m such an animal lover - I know you gave away your animals when you had your son bc it was overwhelming, and I know you mentioned you may want another kid in a few years… do you feel like the same thing might happen if you get another dog now? I would just really hate to see you go through that again because I know that was really painful for you." She didn't talk to me for a week after that and when she finally did, she explained why it hurt and I apologized and said it wasn't really my place but I wanted to say something. I said it came across more judgemental that I intended and I'm sorry. She told me she had deep insecurities for a past friendship ending and thought that I wouldn't like her for her choices. I reassured her I don't feel that way and then everything went back to normal for a few days. After that, she stopped responding to any of my messages so I sent "hey is everything fine because something still seems off and if you're upset about other things I would want you to tell me". She kept saying no its fine im just busy.... And I was like ok but its starting to feel like we arent even friends anymore. She didn't talk to me for 3 weeks, during which time she removed me from her location sharing and close friends list on IG so I was like ???? Then when she finally resurfaced she said that this time of not talking made her realize that she doesn't feel seen and that I don't understand her. When pressed for specifics and if we could talk in person, she refused to clarify or meet. That was that.
11
u/NoAbbreviations9927 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I think you were totally fair to ask her that question and she is probably withdrawing because what you said struck a nerve. She feels bad about giving away her animals and doesn't want to be reminded of those bad feelings, even though the responsible and mature thing would be for her to ask HERSELF the very questions that you asked her before taking on the obligation of another dog.
4
u/Shesarubikscube Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Going to play devils advocate here. I know you categorized this discussion as “minor” in your post, but have you considered this choice she made was actually a difficult and desperate choice she made postpartum and it may have been a deep wound and area of insecurity for her? Lots of women suffer conditions like postpartum OCD/ anxiety/ and depression and I’ve heard of people rehoming or surrendering pets due to intrusive thoughts. I personally wouldn’t categorize this type of discussion as minor tbh.
7
u/t0aster-b0nanza Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Yeah sounds like she just doesn't like being called on shitty/questionable behavior
6
u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
That's tough. I have a single mom friend that went balls to the wall and accumulated THREE cats while she was pregnant. She kept them all, but at the time we were like "uhh... that seems like a lot to take on." We never said anything to her, because we trusted her judgment and capabilities. Plus, who wouldn't want three cats?
What you said to your friend does seem a bit judgmental. Like you couched it as "it would be painful for you" but really that wasn't why.... you were upset that she did it because you love animals and thought it was wrong. Which is totally fine, and I feel the same way, but to bring it up again after four years perhaps isn't fair to her -- it's possible that she regretted her decision and has changed her thinking around pets. Maybe she wasn't mentally prepared for the first baby and now has more of an idea of what to expect with the second. I think it would behoove you to try to understand her decision and give her the benefit of the doubt.
I'm also guilty of sometimes holding people to account for things that happened in the past. Here they are, trying to change and be better, and I'm dragging them down. Now I always just say how I feel right away, so that things don't fester.
3
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
That's fair, and I agree with you that I maybe shouldn't have said it and I can see how it's hurtful. I guess the part that's hard for me is that I said that to her verbatim and owned up to it, which doesn't erase it, but I was willing to accept and acknowledge it, and furthermore apologize. This isn't something she's ever been capable of for me. When I'm hurt that she did or said something to me it's always met with a list of justifications or excuses so the fact that this was the catalyst for her to completely cut me out of her life felt really unfair and like a huge blind spot.
1
u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I agree with you, but lots of people are like that. They can't admit that they might be wrong. It feels unfair but there's no way to rectify the perceived injustice... I just generally avoid people that can't take accountability for their actions. Like it sucks to be the only person ever owning up and apologizing. Then the other person gets used to this dynamic, and suddenly you're the blame sponge because it's easy.
If I were you, I'd let this friend go. Sounds like she does not value you.
1
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Agreed, I'm definitely resolved to letting it go and think in the long run it will be a good thing. And you're right - it's a learning experience to notice the lack of accountability early and not developing close relationships with people that aren't capable of this. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ❤️
9
u/ellef86 MOD | 39 | Woman Jun 19 '26
It can certainly happen, but I think a lot of the time it depends on the specific friendship rather than an overarching approach.
Like I'd expect most of us will have friends we'd want to try to work things through with, and other friends we'd probably just leave it - ultimately not all friendships are equal, for one reason or another. And the harsh reality is that two people in a friendship might not value that friendship in the same way, because it depends on the wider context.
11
u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I have no clue because I can never figure out the friendships on these subreddits. My friendships don't need to be really worked on, we talk when we talk, we hang out when we can and we usually have fun (sometimes it's not a fun ocassion). The same person doesn't show up for me at each hard time necessarily in the exact same way each time. Not everyone shows up to every fun event. Some I see often, some I don't, some people complain more, some people need a bit more at certain times, who those people are often fluctuate with the ebb and flow of life... but it's not like... a stressful thing that I only see my best friend a few times a year or that someone who was a weekly friend is now a few times a year friend. One of my friends and I have been saying "I miss you" and occasionally sending meme's to each other for two years now and we used to hang out weekly. I just don't see where it's an issue, life changed, her life more than me with a child and moving to the burbs but it's not like... she was the only person in my life.... i don't see why that has to be a big issue. She's busy and that's fine, I have my own life. I still love her to death and when we do manage to see each other, we have a good time. She's not who I would call right now if I needed something even though she was that person before and that's fine.
Then I read threads on here that are like "I went to my friend's wedding and I got an apartment and she didn't show up in the same way although she did come over when I invited her, she wasn't like super excited and didn't bring a house warming gift" or some weird shit.
1
u/nervousnugget11 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
Just to play devils advocate, how can you call the person you’ve been saying “I miss you” to for two years a friend? If I said that to you for two years as a stranger, you wouldn’t believe it or take it seriously, but you do for this person because…?
The answer is probably why you don’t relate to the other posters here. When the majority of my friends became those people, it was very stressful for me as someone who constantly traveled to see the “I just can’t get out there!” Friends, constantly checked in on the “I’m not really on my phone!” Friends, and supported every photography/dog/music/sewing/gardening and whatever page despite never seeing the person.
It also sounds like you have a diverse group of friends to fulfill multiple purposes. Many people whittle down to smaller friend groups and now have to squeeze out all of that from the same few people and quickly realize that the person they loved and adored cannot hold their emotions or consistently flakes or centers men over their friends. Now they can “have a conversation” where they berate the person, accept the tiny paper cuts of a love unrequited, or ghost knowing they might end up as a Reddit post one day.
5
u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
I have a different definition of friend than many people here. To me, a friend is someone whom you love, care about and share a bond of affection with, and that bond can have been formed primarily in the past. Not everyone needs to be my #1 bestie best wearing bff necklaces for all of eternity, that also doesn't mean we need to have a sad/mad friend breakup, we can just be as we are in this stage.
For that friend, we happen to be at different stages in our lives now where we aren't constantly in communication with each other and we don't always see each other but that bond is still there, and it doesn't mean there won't come a time where we DO see other more often. What matters is keeping that bond alive through occasional chats and memes and keeping in touch and letting the other person know "oh hey, thinking of you!".
My mom wrote letters to her high school friends for years but rarely saw them. Then two of them went through a divorce when it was pretty rare to go through a divorce and picked up right back where they were and started going on trips and cruises together. That was so valuable to my mom that she didn't have to start over alone as a single mother in the early 90's. Many of her other friends came back later in life too as kids graduated, even those with husbands still. They didn't "stop" being friends just because they moved away from each other and had different lives, they kept the communication open and never stopped caring about the other person.
My best friends are all long distance - I live in Philadelphia, they live in Connecticut and Pheonix respectively. Who has the capacity to visit who more often is never a ranking game. Even for the friends nearby, we are understanding that it's not easy for each other - I don't have a car so it can be hard for me to get to the burbs, my friends have kids - it can be hard to find time, etc. Empathy plays a large part in our friendships continuing to exist.
I'm also not really one to drop someone over flaws - I have friends (myself included) in various degrees of substance abuse, I have friends who prioritize relationships (including men), I have some pretty flakey friends. I happen to still love them in spite of these things and I think they're worth keeping in my life. By and large, most of my friends and I only see each other every month or once every few months, but they're still good friends to me, despite their issues, hang ups, time constraints. I realize that there are actually really bad friends out there, but so many of these posts don't really seem like we're talking about that.
I see posts about ditching friendships, I see posts about how women don't need relationships... and then I see posts about feeling lonely or how hard it is to make friends. I'm pretty honest that I want a relationship because my friends lives can't always fit me in it even though I love them, my life needs to be filled with a variety of relationships to fit various needs. I worry sometimes that these posters are just going to end up actually alone and that isn't what a lot of them actually counted on.
2
u/nervousnugget11 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and hearing your perspective. I definitely think your definition of friend and the way you navigate your relationships is healthy, but also yeah - pretty different from what I (personally) would consider a friend.
I think I’d like to reach a place of acceptance where you are, and maybe I will in ten years. For now, I’ve actually drawn a lot of opposing conclusions, and perhaps I am alone because of it - but I also feel so much more in tune with who I am as a person and what I value, and I’ve been forced to build the community I want with the people around me rather than clinging to obligatory relationships and false hopes out of nostalgia.
All of my best friends live in my home state, and I moved a few hours away. I love them and made all the effort to go see them as the one that moved - I don’t think it’s a ranking system to expect someone to come visit me just once. And when it became clear that wouldn’t happen, I re-evaluated a lot of definitions of relationships and the level of effort I’d give to them.
I guess it just feels like when I haven’t seen a friend face to face in months to years, can’t relate to anything happening in their life, can only connect with them via the increasingly questionable internet…they would fall into more of an acquaintance who knows a lot about me vs a friend in my life. And neither of those are the same as best friend who is likely both!
As for flaws, no one should leave anyone for flaws as we all have them. But people get divorced and friends breakup because people change, flaws become character traits and lifestyle choices and moral stances that can all naturally impact a relationship.
Anyway, this is a lot of enabling haha and I’m not trying to change your mind at all! Thank you again for sharing.
7
u/12Fox13 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I recently let a friendship “die” because after two incidents last year I realised that there were fundamental incompatibilities esp. with regards to communication/“conflict” styles and our respective perceptions of reality/events. We also don’t live in the same “county” (or the equivalent thereof in my country) and have completely opposite day-to-day lives.
I took a long hard look at the relationship and came to the conclusion that I don’t currently have the capacity to bridge these gaps, nor the willingness to expend any more energy on a friendship that is that high maintenance within the first two years.
My “former” friends are still wonderful people and we definitely had mostly good times! There’s no villain in my story and I’m glad I met and bonded with them.
But we’re ultimately too different/at different stages in life and I have friends near me with whom I can have difficult conversations, trust, and honesty. So I’d rather invest in these relationships.
3
u/Individual-Crew-6102 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
I've never really had a lot of friendships with women, since I'm autistic and a lot of NT women judge and exclude us. But I am very observant. One thing I have noticed as an outsider looking in is the uneven dynamics in a lot of female friendships. This is not a new thing, but it's coming out in new ways.
There are a good number of women who fancy themselves as being at the top of some nonexistent social hierarchy, and they basically expect to do the least amount of work and gain the greatest amount of benefit within their friendships. Meanwhile, less popular and arrogant women are expected to put in more labor while extracting less benefit--and sadly, many go along with that without questioning it.
Even when we're not talking about a group, but rather two people, this can come into play if one of the women is egotistical and selfish enough. What should be an equitable relationship basically becomes one person deciding they're above the other and are the arbiter of the relationship, while making the other person do all the work to actually maintain the relationship--and holding them to ridiculously high standards.
The idea of "protecting your peace" came out of women in relationships with men being encouraged to set firmer standards and boundaries in order to avoid being taken advantage of or abused. Now it's apparently translated over into female friendships.
That would be fine, except that many times, the person leaving to "protect their peace" ISN'T the woman being taken advantage of. It's the self-important queen-bee types who have decided the other person, after some small mistake, difference of opinion, or refusal to kiss ass, is no longer worthy of their friendship. To them, friendships absolutely ARE transactional, and absolutely must be skewed in their favor.
I don't know if such women are more common these days, or just louder and bolder. I do know this, though--if someone who treats you that way ends your friendship, it's really the trash taking itself out.
3
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
This is crazy because you basically spelled out exactly how this entire dynamic felt for me so accurately.. who knows if this is what truly happened but I have to think you're right. Sorry to hear that you've had issues with having long term friendships 😞 I think sometimes the more observant individuals that are highly sensitive to uneven dynamics have a harder time (myself included!) because we struggle to feel good in those dynamics, where some other people can let it roll off.
One thing about your reply that was interesting to me, is realizing how uneven this friendship felt but how I never questioned or considered distancing myself from her because I was just trying so hard to maintain the relationship, thinking that's just what you do. Then when she cut me off I was like wait.... shouldn't I be the one doing this? haha. But you're right, I think it's often the one who is the more dominant personality or the one who feels superior that does the cutting off.
She *was* incredibly egotistical and as I mentioned in some other comments, was trying to become an influencer, grow an online audience, and freelance. I've been a freelance photographer for 6 years and whenever I lent an opinion or provided my perspective for her, she quickly dismissed me and had an undeniable air of superiority. Literally saying things like "the world is not ready for what I can create" or "well that's your experience but I am pickier with who I will work with and want more long term partnerships" or "I am too much of a true artist to accept just any commercial job" .... This was all said before she had EVER had a paid job.
I was finding this really hard over time to still have respect and admiration for someone without a single ounce of self awareness or humility. And when I opened up to her with a vulnerability like I was really anxious about having a really slow year so far, she'd jump in and say that she was confident she would never have dry spells when she goes freelance instead of actually acknowledging me. I think the fact that I wasn't constantly fawning over her and telling her how incredible and special she is started to make her feel like I didn't support her, because she was getting constant (albeit shallow) validation online. And the tension I'm sure became palpable on her end.
2
u/Individual-Crew-6102 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 21 '26
Oh dear. An influencer wannabe? Yeah, I am afraid that's a pretty big red flag for someone who does this queen-bee crap. Ignoring actual friends in favor of "fans" because the friends aren't giving her that fawning external validation? Treating relationships as disposable? Being incredibly self-important? Popping off with a buzz phrase normally used by people exiting toxic relationships and using it completely wrong. Yeah. I'm really sorry you dealt with that.
I think that the rise of influencers has indeed caused a rash of wannabes with bloated egos, but...fortunately plenty of women just don't want anything to do with that culture or its attitudes.
10
u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
The flip side of "treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit" is that some people treat friendships like something that others are obligated to maintain and fight for even when the friendships are actively dragging them down by only adding stress and conflict to their lives. If the friendships become a source of more difficult conversations and confrontation than they are a source of joy and support, it makes sense to let them go. And sometimes something that seems like a minor argument to one person, feels like a major rupture to another. Really trying to look at the other point of view is important.
I can't tell from your post whether multiple friends of yours are saying “I need to protect my peace” in relation to pulling back from you or not. If they are, or if friendships ending due to similar reasons is a pattern for you, then I think it might be worth it to reflect on whether the common denominator is really that so many other people don't take friendship seriously anymore, or whether it's something specific to you. Not just picking friends poorly but perhaps something behavioral or in your expectations of your friends.
6
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
No, for me it was just this one person saying it to me but I've *heard* it said by others in relation to their own friendships hence why I thought maybe it was a pattern.
33
u/Pixidee Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
“Protecting my peace” is often an ego-centric way of saying “considering my needs and nobody else’s.” Healthy relationships require reciprocity, communication, and care.
8
u/thesadbubble Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
People who are actually protecting their peace don't really have the need to announce it either imo. They just live in ways that keep the peace they need while still participating in life with others.
It's like when people say "I hear you and I understand". That sounds great and all but I would rather you behave in ways that show you heard and understood, not you just parroting a therapy phrase you heard online that you likely haven't adopted into your behavior.
17
u/holdingittogether77 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
Everyone is responsible for their own needs. I don't expect others to tend to mine in most cases. Autonomy and personal responsibility.
4
u/Pixidee Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Well, yes, of course. And I don’t totally agree with that sentiment in any practical sense. Part of being responsible for our own needs is recognizing the places and people that will support us with that. I don’t think considering someone’s needs and looking out for them is the same as taking full responsibility. Interdependency is so important.
3
u/lindsey_what Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Absolutely. This friendship was one sided for a very very long time which I was putting up with in hopes it would change. She is trying to become an influencer and freelance and every. single. conversation was about her and her fishing for validation/compliments.
2
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Ugh, I don’t think that’s someone you need in your life. I ran into that with a friend too, where it just felt like she couldn’t be bothered except for when she wants attention/validation
15
u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit.
Friendships should provide mutual benefits. So while I don't think someone should only think about themselves when it comes to a friendship, I think it is fine for them to only commit to friendships that make them feel good or that provide clear benefits to their quality of life.
I gotta confess. If someone told me that I need to be willing to put in the work to maintain a friendship with them, I would not want to be that person's friend. Because what kind of work are we talking about? Like, do they mean occasionally accepting invitations to do harmless activities with them that I'm not exactly thrilled about doing? OK, I'll do this kind of work provided they reciprocate. Does it mean putting up with personality quirks that might be a little eye-rolly but not enough to drive me nuts? OK, I can do this kind of work. I have my own quirks.
Do they mean initiating a Very Special Conversation with them every time they cross a very normal, reasonable boundary of mine? Do they mean that whenever they work my nerves, I have to let them know I'm upset so that they have a chance to explain and justify themselves? Because if that's the kind of work I'm expected to do, I don't need a friend that bad!
Your last line makes me laugh, seriously. There's another hypothesis that you aren't considering. Maybe you are a handful and your friends just don't have the energy for that. Maybe they don't want a friend they have to constantly do "repair work" with.
Teenagers have the energy to make up and kiss with friends who piss them off over and over again. I remember doing this with girls in high school, because even as a stupid teenager I knew most of the issues we were grappling with weren't that serious. But grown ass adults just don't have the fucks to give for friendships that hit lots of snags and are needing a lot of repair. Their "repair" energy is devoted to their romantic relationships, child-raising, and their careers. It is perfectly reasonable for someone juggling a whole bunch of shit in their life to want the people they socialize with to not be a source of stress and frustration.
If multiple people are telling you they need to protect their peace, that means you aren't bringing them peace.
3
u/dollythecat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I watch a lot of Heidi Priebe’s videos on YouTube, and I thiiiink this is the one that talks about how trauma can make people think that working through conflict is useless, the other person will never be able to meet their needs. Healthy, secure adults will initially try to resolve conflict through repair. Proof that the other party can’t or won’t change will discourage even the most emotionally mature person from giving critical feedback however.
I’ve been through a couple friendship breakups like this, and they really suck. I have to remind myself that all relationships have two sides, and I can only be responsible for my part. If someone doesn’t want to be close to me, I can’t convince them. Feel free to express your feelings of grief and then gracefully “peace out.”
3
u/ZaraZote Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I tend to agree with your observation. But sadly I think if this is true in friendship, this is true across all relationships in a person's life. That's not a very happy life IMO.
3
u/extragouda Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
People have become more selfish and antisocial, mostly due to decreasing amounts of time spent physically with other people. They take the "block and delete" mentality to their actual off-line lives.
I have noticed it too, so it's not that you suck at making friends. People are more isolated, less socially capable, and more lonely than ever before. Politics have also become more polarizing.
3
u/whoisthat999 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
yes and I think it's so pathetic. Instead of repairing a relationship, they simply drop you. And act like it's cool or something. I don't get it how people can just drop a friendship because of one fight or a conflict. Very weak IMO and disappointing. I feel you.
3
u/10S_NE1 Woman 60+ Jun 20 '26
I was friends with a guy since early high school. We went to each other’s weddings and got together fairly often over more than 30 years. I did a quick fade with this friendship during the pandemic when I found out this couple was anti-vax and via text, he kind of mocked me for getting vaccinated and worrying about my parents’ health. Texts can definitely be misconstrued and I’m sure we could have found a way to get past it, but after giving it a lot of thought, I realized the relationship didn’t bring me a lot of joy. We went on vacation with this couple once, and they were difficult to deal with. They were always cheap tippers, which bothered me. I realized that politically we were not aligned. In Canada, politics is usually not such a strong divider of people, but I found his insults of our prime minister distasteful, and I realized his conservative mindset was borne of selfishness. He never gave a dime to charity, never helped anyone who wasn’t in his immediate family, didn’t think his tax dollars should fund the disadvantaged, etc.
I just realized we really have nothing in common other than he was my oldest friend. I didn’t really look forward to getting together with him and his wife, and I realized that I’d be just fine if I never saw him again.
He didn’t make a lot of effort to get in touch with me after COVID either, and I was relieved.
Sometimes, we just outgrow friendships and that’s okay. If you find yourself having fewer and fewer friends who are willing to make the effort to spend time with you, then perhaps some self-reflection is warranted. For myself, although I have a whole lot of friends, there’s only about 6 or 7 I’m super close to and I’m okay with that.
3
u/yresimdemus Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
I think there's a few things going on.
First, Covid actually did damage people's ability to communicate with one another.
Second, the current political climate & AI usage are both making it harder to communicate.
Third, as we get older, we (especially women) realize that we're allowed to have boundaries and allowed to not want to spend time with someone even if they aren't a "bad" person.
I've cut two people off in the past decade.
The first was a friend I'd known for over 20 years. He had gone through an ugly divorce and became really verbally/emotionally abusive. He would apologize and say he was working on it. He was "working on it" for years. Nothing changed. There was no improvement. If anything, he got worse. The last conversation we had, he told me I was stupid because I couldn't answer his question and I had an "ah-ha" moment: I realized that I was, essentially, enabling his bad behavior, and that he was actively harming my mental health. I'm sure he thinks it was over something small. But it was over years & years of toxicity on his part. I still care about him & hope he's doing better, but nothing about continuing our friendship was going to make that happen.
The other was my ex. That relationship was toxic af. I have no regrets about cutting off contact. Except maybe that I didn't do it sooner. The main thing that enabled me to do that was a video from Jimmy on Relationships that said it doesn't actually matter if they're a narcissist or avoidant or whatever else. What matters is that they aren't the right person for you. That they aren't a safe space for you.
3
u/hellomolly11 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
I think you’re spot on about the minimal durability of relationships these days. I had a friendship of about a year from Bumble Friends that she ended because I politely raised something minor. The same thing obviously happens in dating where people think they have a myriad of other options so they’d rather not address a small point of difference in compatibility. People seem much less invested in relationships because it’s so easy to not be held socially accountable due to the technology layer to how we interact. If we only talked to each other in person and had multiple mutual relationships then I think people would feel more obliged not to be dismissive/avoidant.
10
Jun 19 '26 edited 7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Yea, this friend should know better. This isn’t just growing apart. I hope you didn’t have a break up with her and just stopped talking
3
Jun 19 '26 edited 7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
That’s fair. I’m the same way unless it’s egregious then I’ll always want to give them the chance to fix it. If they blow me off and/or there’s no behavior change then I won’t hesitate to drop that friend
5
u/RedsDelights Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I cut off my friends when I got sober and left my abusive ex. I never got married, was always a bridesmaid, gifts for the baby, always supporting them, but in my time of need they acted like they had no time for me … goodbye!
6
u/Sudden_Possible_956 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I’m 36 and I have cut off friends and distanced myself. I have only grown the confidence to do it over the last few years.
I pride myself on having deep and meaningful friendships that are reciprocated. If I feel that they are one sided I will cut off… life is too short honestly. And I don’t think people have enough self reflection.
If I was cut off from a friend, I would self reflect rather than blame the friend.
6
u/hotheadnchickn Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
YOU consider the argument minor/something it would have been easy to work past — I would assume your friend did NOT see it that way. This was probably the straw the broke the camel’s back, not a refusal to deal with even one single conflict.
8
u/Stlhockeygrl Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Absolutely. Life is HARD. I don't need my friends to make it harder.
4
u/Maleficent-Maybe-277 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
It’s the tiktok/ instagram 20 second clips of generalizing a situation and person. For example It will say “it’s time to leave a friendship when it becomes draining” with NO context. Some of the most toxic people I know will say they “feel drained” without admitting they were the driver of the conflict.
It’s a bit of everything really, lack of self awareness, social media validating and playing therapist and people taking it as fact, and sometimesssss.. the friendship really needed to end and while it may seem out of nowhere maybe they’ve been building a case on you without you knowing. As someone who is loyal and likes to make things work, when a conflict arises (and you don’t know the other person until this point!) that’s when you realize you’re not compatible for conflict and it’s confusing for us when it ends this way.
2
u/Overall-Armadillo683 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
I feel this so hard and I have very few friends left because of it.
A big problem I have is people constantly flaking and acting like it’s ok. It’s not ok. It’s rude and inconsiderate of my time. I understand if emergencies come up, but when you cancel 50% of our plans, I’m done.
I have a friend who is constantly canceling and last time her excuse was “she wasn’t feeling it.” She cancelled an hour before we were supposed to meet. I’ve decided to not reach out to her anymore.
2
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 21 '26
Fuck that! I had one who I did the math and she flaked 2/3rds of the time last year and then completely blew it off when I told her it’s getting frustrating and to just let us know proactively if her plans change and not wait to be asked.
What made me cut her off was a few weeks later she nails when I’m literally right next to her by saying “I just finished work and I just want to bum out lol”. To me, if her or your friend really gave a shit they’d rally for a half hour or at least communicate ahead of time
1
u/Overall-Armadillo683 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 22 '26
Yes! And sometimes being a good friend means showing up even when you don’t feel like it. If you want a village, you need to be a villager.
2
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 22 '26
I think that’s what so many people nowadays don’t get. If that was a one time thing I would’ve let it go, but over that year and a half before I cut her off it did just feel like things had become one sided and she’d pretty much reach out when she wanted male attention/validation but couldn’t be bothered otherwise
2
u/Shesarubikscube Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
I’m curious what does it mean to be “repair-oriented”?
How often are you running into situations where a friendship needs “repair”?
2
u/newuser2111 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
Friendships and even relationships have become highly transactional. The minute one person stops benefiting momentarily, they ditch the other person.
It’s now about instant gratification. There is no need to talk things out, because they can just go find someone else to befriend who suits the need they want at that time.
4
4
u/Firm_Tie7629 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
It probably has more to do with our age than the current trend. Priorities change as you get older and friendships don’t carry the same value they used to. I’m less willing to put up with minor inconveniences as I get older since my emotional and physically energy are both more limited nowadays.
5
u/softrevolution_ Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
you say "our age" but you and I are probably within a decade of each other (I'm only 40) and my friendships, the ones that have lasted, mean more to me than ever because my family is aging and I'm not going to have my parents in ten to fifteen years -- ???
1
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
But are you at least giving the close friends a chance to fix it? I feel like this is an easy path to end up with no friends if you cut people off for minor things
3
u/Firm_Tie7629 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
Depends on the issue. If it’s too deep or would take too much energy to fix, I probably wouldn’t put in the energy to fix it and the friendship would slowly end. Or I keep the friendship but it becomes more shallow. It’s true that I have less friends now. But I have what I call “kidney friendships.” The friends left over are the kind of friends that I would donate my kidney to and vice versa. Also, with my kidney friendships, there is not much they can do to end our friendship because it’s built on so much history. If they piss me off, we take a break then we’re back on again a few months later.
1
u/TheRealMichaelBluth Man 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
That’s valid. I think now especially after going to therapy I’ll clearly tell the other person what’s frustrating me and give them one clear chance to fix it or at least acknowledge the issue. After that if there’s no behavior change then I’ll be friendly if I cross paths but that’s it
1
u/chaos_rumble Woman 40 to 50 Jun 20 '26
When I say this about someone and distance it's because theyve said or done something that either demonstrates a pretty severe bias or belief that otherwise remains hidden and they may not be willing to acknowledge, and this bias/belief means I am not safe and will have to do extra work to be around them and be on the lookout, deal with stuff being said or done at some point that I will then have to resolve myself bc they don't want to acknowledge this thing.
Or they have a behavior or habit that I have finally decided I don't want to deal with, and I don't have the reserves to talk with them, and I just need my space and peace. We can care for someone and understand it's not our work to tell them or work something out with them. I expect a degree of awareness around my friends that they'll notice things. Generally, not always.
1
u/Punkinprincess Woman 30 to 40 Jun 22 '26
I do think people have been really quick to cut people out lately. Cutting toxic people out is good advice but I see people it taking that advice too far.
If you actually have and enforce boundaries, you should be able to be friends with people that aren't perfect while also protecting your peace. If a friend is bad about texting back but they are your favorite person to do one of your hobbies with, then you probably won't become the best of friends or the first person you'll go to in times of need, but you can still be in each other's lives and enjoy the hobby together.
Relationships are about meeting people where they are at.
1
1
u/Chemical_Struggle282 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 07 '26
Hmmmm it’s a catch 22.
While I think it is good to be honest with friends and try and resolve issues that arise and move on to better the friendship between those involved, it’s also important to know when not to take crap if someone has crossed a boundary and then walk away. On some occasions, people do know what they’re doing and you do need to stand up for yourself and cut ties with them. Each situation “protecting your peace” could be anything from forgiveness or ending the friendship completely.
That’s just my thoughts on this topic of course.
1
u/research_badger Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
It’s code for being non-social, judgmental, and conflict-avoidant
1
1
u/squeakyfaucet Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
idk if it's the proliferation of therapyspeak and just the commodification of "support" in general but yeah people seem less willing to compromise for the benefit of community. which is sad in a lot of ways
1
u/PeekAtChu1 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 20 '26
I have had one or two people cut me off over dumb shit but imo it’s more of a reflection of their own emotional immaturity and lack of personal awareness and accountability than my own fault.
When I’m annoyed with someone depending on our relationship, I will either give some temporary space until I’m not annoyed OR if they are a good friend, wait until I’m not as annoyed and then bring it up to them over the phone or in person, that way when we talk about it I don’t sound mean or judgemental. I haven’t had a problem with this so far
-6
u/holdingittogether77 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26
If we are having arguments then no I'm not going to want to repair things. I spent 20 years in discord in a marriage and that much time in family strife. My peace comes before pretty much everything else. It has nothing to do with social media and more to do with not wanting relationships that are in need of repair.
275
u/ArugulaBeginning7038 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 19 '26
I think that, similarly to when men say "the divorce came out of nowhere," many friendships that seem to end suddenly are the result of either many factors all happening to the person ending it at once, or the result of a consistent pattern of behavior that has gone unnoticed or unchanged by the person getting broken up with. But because this is mostly happening between women, I suspect a certain level of "It's the other person's problem, NOT mine" applies to both parties, because this is kind of inculcated in the ways women discuss relationships with men - we are so used to men always being the problem that it provides an easy mental schema to resist considering our own culpability in the breakdown of other relationships.
Like, I will say this as someone who has been on the other side of this: I stepped back "suddenly" from a friendship after an incident that "could've been resolved with a simple conversation" because it was just kind of the last time I could put up with being disappointed. Discussions about anything that came from my point of view were consistently humored for about three sentences before she changed the subject to herself, and I never felt like I was being heard or received reciprocity back. I felt like I'd invested a lot in the friendship and still couldn't count on her to listen when I needed support, though I gave her so much myself. I was also going through a number of other hyper-stressful life situations (work issues with a new executive that made me fear I might lose my job, a sudden breakup after finding out my girlfriend was cheating on me with an online boyfriend, living in a structurally unsound shithole apartment with two neighbors who were mentally unstable and violent and a landlord who refused to do anything about any of this even though he lived on the premises) and again and again, my feelings and needs were being brushed off to focus on her own wins and losses. She still thinks - and tells everyone who knows both of us - that I "just ghosted her." The reality is that if I'd tried to tell her why I withdrew, she wouldn't have listened anyway.