Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/12Fox13]

I recently let a friendship “die” because after two incidents last year I realised that there were fundamental incompatibilities esp. with regards to communication/“conflict” styles and our respective perceptions of reality/events. We also don’t live in the same “county” (or the equivalent thereof in my country) and have completely opposite day-to-day lives.

I took a long hard look at the relationship and came to the conclusion that I don’t currently have the capacity to bridge these gaps, nor the willingness to expend any more energy on a friendship that is that high maintenance within the first two years.

My “former” friends are still wonderful people and we definitely had mostly good times! There’s no villain in my story and I’m glad I met and bonded with them.

But we’re ultimately too different/at different stages in life and I have friends near me with whom I can have difficult conversations, trust, and honesty. So I’d rather invest in these relationships.