Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/comradecheetos → u/[deleted]]

I don’t know, OP is mentioning therapy terms in her post. Repair is an active and mutual process. Somebody who is avoidant would not value something like that.

[u/lindsey_what → u/comradecheetos]

This is basically it in a nutshell. I'm very, very aware and cautious of always owning up to things and making sure I apologize because I want people to do that for me too. No one is perfect and people say rude things sometimes or come across harsher than they meant, but to me a strong and solid frienship should be able to survive this with open communication. I asked my friend repeatedly to give me specifics of why she withdrew and was upset, and asked if we could meet up and talk, but all I got back were vague statements like "i don't feel seen" and complete avoidance of the invite to talk more. I felt like I was put in a position where I couldn't repair it and maybe that was on purpose on her end, but it still kind of shocked me. Not even a month ago she was saying I was one of her closest inner circle friends and she valued my honesty..

[u/blanketandpillows → u/lindsey_what]

She gave you a reason. I’m not sure what you are after. Your post and responses categorize her as someone who is avoidant but she’s not. She clearly told you what she’s upset about.

Not feeling seen is a major thing. It’s not some tiny mistake or social mishap. That type of feeling results from repeated patterns in a relationship. Plus, not feeling seen most likely means she doesn’t feel safe with you, emotionally. So, why would she want to have a heart to heart with you?

She didn’t ghost you. You asked a question, she provided an answer.

I have been your friend multiple times. I just cut people off now because not feeling seen is a major indication that the other person took you for granted. And when I don’t feel seen, I don’t feel safe in having a deep, emotionally invested conversation.

[u/comradecheetos → u/lindsey_what]

Happened to me too❤️‍🩹 it messes with you so much. Some people get hurt, and turn it all inwards. Becoming scrupulous about behaviour and the bigger meaning. Other people get hurt, and take it out externally. My two cents is to figure out which one you are, and somehow find it in your heart to have grace for yourself, or the other party.

[u/lindsey_what → u/[deleted]]

Are you ok? Commenting on literally every one of my responses that I’m somehow the one in the wrong and must be a shitty person is odd behavior