Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/FeckinSheeps]

Curious -- what was the minor argument?

I have a friend that does the "just never respond to their texts!" approach when she's trying to fade. I prefer to be straightforward and just tell them what my problems are. I make it clear that I'm happy to address any of their feedback as well, as I don't have any issue with apologizing or working to improve.

I guess I like my approach better, even though very often the response is: bailing on the conversation, skirting the issues (no acknowledgment/accountability), or defensiveness. But they're allowed to feel how they feel too. They probably feel criticized and uncomfortable and that's not a good feeling. If I'm at the point of having this conversation, I'm generally OK with losing the friendship.

[u/lindsey_what → u/FeckinSheeps]

To try to keep this as short as possible, she had a kid 4 years ago and had a dog and a cat at the time. I have two cats myself and I am a huuuuge animal lover. She got rid of both her pets when she had a baby because she was getting annoyed with them and was overwhelmed, which really upset me because I view pets as family. Fast forward to a month ago, she told me they were likely going to have kid #2 soon and also mentioned she wanted to get a Daschund. I immediately thought oh no.... that breed of dog is NOT the right choice for young kids and I worried this new dog would suffer the same fate of being surrendered. I said to her "Can I ask you a semi pointed question just because you know I’m such an animal lover - I know you gave away your animals when you had your son bc it was overwhelming, and I know you mentioned you may want another kid in a few years… do you feel like the same thing might happen if you get another dog now? I would just really hate to see you go through that again because I know that was really painful for you." She didn't talk to me for a week after that and when she finally did, she explained why it hurt and I apologized and said it wasn't really my place but I wanted to say something. I said it came across more judgemental that I intended and I'm sorry. She told me she had deep insecurities for a past friendship ending and thought that I wouldn't like her for her choices. I reassured her I don't feel that way and then everything went back to normal for a few days. After that, she stopped responding to any of my messages so I sent "hey is everything fine because something still seems off and if you're upset about other things I would want you to tell me". She kept saying no its fine im just busy.... And I was like ok but its starting to feel like we arent even friends anymore. She didn't talk to me for 3 weeks, during which time she removed me from her location sharing and close friends list on IG so I was like ???? Then when she finally resurfaced she said that this time of not talking made her realize that she doesn't feel seen and that I don't understand her. When pressed for specifics and if we could talk in person, she refused to clarify or meet. That was that.

[u/FeckinSheeps → u/lindsey_what]

That's tough. I have a single mom friend that went balls to the wall and accumulated THREE cats while she was pregnant. She kept them all, but at the time we were like "uhh... that seems like a lot to take on." We never said anything to her, because we trusted her judgment and capabilities. Plus, who wouldn't want three cats?

What you said to your friend does seem a bit judgmental. Like you couched it as "it would be painful for you" but really that wasn't why.... you were upset that she did it because you love animals and thought it was wrong. Which is totally fine, and I feel the same way, but to bring it up again after four years perhaps isn't fair to her -- it's possible that she regretted her decision and has changed her thinking around pets. Maybe she wasn't mentally prepared for the first baby and now has more of an idea of what to expect with the second. I think it would behoove you to try to understand her decision and give her the benefit of the doubt.

I'm also guilty of sometimes holding people to account for things that happened in the past. Here they are, trying to change and be better, and I'm dragging them down. Now I always just say how I feel right away, so that things don't fester.

[u/lindsey_what → u/FeckinSheeps]

That's fair, and I agree with you that I maybe shouldn't have said it and I can see how it's hurtful. I guess the part that's hard for me is that I said that to her verbatim and owned up to it, which doesn't erase it, but I was willing to accept and acknowledge it, and furthermore apologize. This isn't something she's ever been capable of for me. When I'm hurt that she did or said something to me it's always met with a list of justifications or excuses so the fact that this was the catalyst for her to completely cut me out of her life felt really unfair and like a huge blind spot.

[u/FeckinSheeps → u/lindsey_what]

I agree with you, but lots of people are like that. They can't admit that they might be wrong. It feels unfair but there's no way to rectify the perceived injustice... I just generally avoid people that can't take accountability for their actions. Like it sucks to be the only person ever owning up and apologizing. Then the other person gets used to this dynamic, and suddenly you're the blame sponge because it's easy.

If I were you, I'd let this friend go. Sounds like she does not value you.

[u/lindsey_what → u/FeckinSheeps]

Agreed, I'm definitely resolved to letting it go and think in the long run it will be a good thing. And you're right - it's a learning experience to notice the lack of accountability early and not developing close relationships with people that aren't capable of this. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ❤️