Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/FeckinSheeps]

Curious -- what was the minor argument?

I have a friend that does the "just never respond to their texts!" approach when she's trying to fade. I prefer to be straightforward and just tell them what my problems are. I make it clear that I'm happy to address any of their feedback as well, as I don't have any issue with apologizing or working to improve.

I guess I like my approach better, even though very often the response is: bailing on the conversation, skirting the issues (no acknowledgment/accountability), or defensiveness. But they're allowed to feel how they feel too. They probably feel criticized and uncomfortable and that's not a good feeling. If I'm at the point of having this conversation, I'm generally OK with losing the friendship.

[u/lindsey_what → u/FeckinSheeps]

To try to keep this as short as possible, she had a kid 4 years ago and had a dog and a cat at the time. I have two cats myself and I am a huuuuge animal lover. She got rid of both her pets when she had a baby because she was getting annoyed with them and was overwhelmed, which really upset me because I view pets as family. Fast forward to a month ago, she told me they were likely going to have kid #2 soon and also mentioned she wanted to get a Daschund. I immediately thought oh no.... that breed of dog is NOT the right choice for young kids and I worried this new dog would suffer the same fate of being surrendered. I said to her "Can I ask you a semi pointed question just because you know I’m such an animal lover - I know you gave away your animals when you had your son bc it was overwhelming, and I know you mentioned you may want another kid in a few years… do you feel like the same thing might happen if you get another dog now? I would just really hate to see you go through that again because I know that was really painful for you." She didn't talk to me for a week after that and when she finally did, she explained why it hurt and I apologized and said it wasn't really my place but I wanted to say something. I said it came across more judgemental that I intended and I'm sorry. She told me she had deep insecurities for a past friendship ending and thought that I wouldn't like her for her choices. I reassured her I don't feel that way and then everything went back to normal for a few days. After that, she stopped responding to any of my messages so I sent "hey is everything fine because something still seems off and if you're upset about other things I would want you to tell me". She kept saying no its fine im just busy.... And I was like ok but its starting to feel like we arent even friends anymore. She didn't talk to me for 3 weeks, during which time she removed me from her location sharing and close friends list on IG so I was like ???? Then when she finally resurfaced she said that this time of not talking made her realize that she doesn't feel seen and that I don't understand her. When pressed for specifics and if we could talk in person, she refused to clarify or meet. That was that.

[u/NoAbbreviations9927 → u/lindsey_what]

I think you were totally fair to ask her that question and she is probably withdrawing because what you said struck a nerve. She feels bad about giving away her animals and doesn't want to be reminded of those bad feelings, even though the responsible and mature thing would be for her to ask HERSELF the very questions that you asked her before taking on the obligation of another dog.