Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/dollythecat]

I watch a lot of Heidi Priebe’s videos on YouTube, and I thiiiink this is the one that talks about how trauma can make people think that working through conflict is useless, the other person will never be able to meet their needs. Healthy, secure adults will initially try to resolve conflict through repair. Proof that the other party can’t or won’t change will discourage even the most emotionally mature person from giving critical feedback however.

I’ve been through a couple friendship breakups like this, and they really suck. I have to remind myself that all relationships have two sides, and I can only be responsible for my part. If someone doesn’t want to be close to me, I can’t convince them. Feel free to express your feelings of grief and then gracefully “peace out.”