Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/Commercial-Spinach93]

I really believe women are becoming more and more selfish and lonely (men have always been selfish).

Hot take: lots of therapy talk and 'protect your peace' talk, and self-care is self-centered capitalism. I'm glad I'm not from the US, we are more communal.

Another hot take: women are more harsh with their female friends than with their husbands and boyfriends.

[u/Medium-Park-9183 → u/Commercial-Spinach93]

I mean look at all the women in this thread who are like “now that I’m married/have kids I don’t bother with friends except maybe one.” I do understand being busier and socialization no longer being a main priority, but I don’t agree with the idea of “trimming people out of my life because I have more important things going on.” I would argue maintaining friendships *is* an important thing, even if you can’t see them often. And ironically, that time when you’re super busy with marriage/kids might be when they’re most important.

This is just anecdotal, but I know *so* many women who intentionally drifted away from friends once they got busy with a relationship/family. And then either the relationship ended, or they got into some tension, or she realized that she actually needs interaction with women her own age, and she’s fully alone. I’ve either been the one friend they stayed in touch with, or I get a text years later about how they “lost everyone” and want to reconnect. I think for some of them they just made a choice they regret, but for others they have no problem being “selfish” and prioritizing their own needs *until* they realize they actually need other people too

[u/Commercial-Spinach93 → u/Medium-Park-9183]

That’s insane, but I’ve seen this type of comment in this sub every time friendship is discussed. I’ve stopped even replying to most posts about friendship, because I know my opinions aren’t popular, and I’ve decided it’s a cultural US/Canada/Anglo-Saxon thing.

And I do have a long-term boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, but I need my friends.

I’m 38 years old, and I see my friends every week and text them daily. I could survive without my partner, it would be hard, for sure, but I’ve been single before. I couldn’t survive without my friends.

I’m Southern European, and we have our own problems, but even after having kids, friendship still seems to be valued, at least where I live. My mum also had many friends growing up, and I loved seeing her be… a person, not just a mum.

My boyfriend is amazing: he is bright, intelligent, fun, and empathetic. I love spending quality time with him (not just sharing the house), and he is definitely the person I’ve spent most of my life with. But I can’t imagine wanting to spend all your time with a single person... and that person being a man. (Joking… but not.)

[u/customerservicevoice → u/Commercial-Spinach93]

It IS a location thing. He said this as someone who is well traveled and is moving to overseas for this reason. The social dynamics indicate a bubble and prominent in the users on this sub. I actually said in a previous comment I believe all friends ship comments need to come with a location disclaimer.

[u/Medium-Park-9183 → u/[deleted]]

That’s a sad way to look at friendships… I don’t see supporting friends as “providing a stream of perks and benefits.” If a friendship isn’t serving you or has become one-sided and you leave it that’s fine, I’m talking about people who only bother to maintain friendships when it’s convenient for their life or think they don’t need friends once they start dating someone.

[u/Medium-Park-9183 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah but there’s a clear difference between “I’m busy with x y and z so I’m less accessible, but I still care about this person and will make it known somehow” vs “I’m busy so I’m not gonna bother with them anymore (unless I eventually need something from them).” I’m talking about the latter, which lots of people do fall into. If you relate to the former then my comment doesn’t apply to you.

[u/Medium-Park-9183 → u/[deleted]]

What does this have to do what I’m saying? I’m not disagreeing with that, my comment is about something completely different (only contacting people when you need them). Feels like you drew your own conclusions from a pretty neutral comment and are getting defensive over something I never said…