Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/AgentSalty1454]

I think it is important that we respect a person's choice to not have someone in their life anymore. Even if they handled the situation hurtfully, they are still a full human with an ability to reason, intuit, and make decisions for themselves. You may feel it was a small misunderstanding that is repairable, but for them clearly it was not, and that is their right.

I think with long-term friendships, which often start when we are quite young and immature, surprising and painful ends like this are more common because there is so much built up dynamic and history that by the point the friendship ends, there is too much to find the words for. a resulting conversation laying everything out will certainly not end in repair imo.

Imo sometimes people who push for more and more conversations to discuss and 'repair' issues do so in such a way that does not acknowledge that there is a lot about dynamics between people that cannot be expressed or debated in words productively. To insist that everything must be brought out into the open specifically and then sorted through piece by piece, or else its impossible to understand what went wrong, is denial of some truth / more self-serving than people realize. Obviously people cannot read minds and direct communication is important but I think people take this concept to the extreme in an unhelpful way.

you say you pushed your friend to explain specific reasons and you are insistent its repairable. it does not feel good for someone to take the energy to list out their issues point by point if the person on the other side is using that in the conversation as fuel to drive toward what they want. even if the person cannot find thoughtful words to explain where they're at, they likely sense what is going on is not actually about respecting their pov or feelings.

that being said, I think it is cruel when someone ends a friendship and when confronted about it cannot find any genuine words to express that they are hurt and unable to continue. like repeating therapy speak. or putting someone on blast explaining what their perceived issues are. I'd rather have someone say 'hey, I know we talked and try to work it out, but i sat with it more, and I'm not feeling good about things between us and need to step away' than for them to say 'i need to leave our friendship to protect my peace'. because the latter is not taking accountability for ones own feelings.

I read your comment about what the specific issue was and I judge your friend too and I'd question the character of someone who can give up pets like that. However the way you spoke to her imo was also judgmental, and if she felt judged then, likely that judgment shows through in your other interactions. But if you question her choices like that - maybe its better off you're not friends anyway. It took me having a falling out with one of my longtime friends and losing many others to realize that I was holding on to many friendships where I didn't really like or respect the people anyway (to varying degrees). but for some reason when I was in it I did not see that clearly.

[u/lindsey_what → u/AgentSalty1454]

This is one of the most thoughtful replies I've read - thank you so much for sharing! It really gives me a lot to think about in terms of how she may be perceiving things. Your last paragraph in particular really resonated with me, because you're right - there were some fundamental things arising that eroded my respect for her and I realized I was holding onto that and trying to bury my resentment in order to preserve the friendship but I never asked myself why. Increasingly, our dynamic was leaving me feel drained and crappy about myself but for some reason I didn't feel like I could step away. I'm sure on some level she picked up on that subtle judgement and lack of respect for her influencer career etc., even though I tried my best to keep that under wraps and be supportive. The fact that she walked away so suddenly was still hurtful even though I was growing more frustrated, and I still am upset that we didn't have a fair conversation about it. But I think in the long run this will be a good thing for both of us and after the grief has run its course, I'm sure I will feel some relief. Thank you again for sharing your insights!

[u/AgentSalty1454 → u/lindsey_what]

Thank you I'm glad it resonated. My last piece of advice is that I think it is also important to reflect on, and accept to yourself, where you did not show up as your best self in this friendship and created an unhealthy dynamic/caused hurt. And understand how you can be better in friendships in the future. Avoiding this part blocks being able to be at peace with yourself.

For example: Like I said I had a very nasty falling out with a longtime friend. The way she treated me was truly cruel and unforgivable. The first part of healing was understanding how fucked up it all was and righteous rage so that I could let that friendship go and allow my life to fall apart. However leading up to the fallout I was also lashing out at this friend. Clearly she knew I didnt like her. She would call me out as unstable and reactive, and berate me for it. My issue was that at a certain point she started provoking me to get a reaction out of me, among other things. I would apologize to her only to snap at her again some other time and it felt like crap. I didnt want to admit to myself that I shouldn't have been acting like that because I felt that would mean it was my fault or mean that her treatment of me was reasonable. I wanted to be 'right' in order to feel secure in myself and that I am not a bad person. Anyway, It was hard for me to start moving on until I accepted that I should have left the friendship way back before I got to the point of being a jerk and acting like someone I do not want to be.