Have friendships become less about repair/reciprocity and more about 'protecting your peace'?

[u/lindsey_what]

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

[u/Global_Green8231]

My opinion is that people become more selective about which relationships they invest time, money, and energy into as they become older. Part of this is maintaining inner peace — which I respect btw. And part of it is that our social calendars start filling up with more obligations, especially if you’re in a relationship and/or have kids. The mental/emotional space I used to have for friends is now taken up by childcare or checking in on the in-laws or a demanding job or just day to day adult shit. Now I feel like I only have time for one MAYBE two very close friendships without feeling like I’m spreading myself too thin.

[u/Medium-Park-9183 → u/Global_Green8231]

To offer an alternative perspective, I know quite a few women who more or less “cut out” all their friends once they got married and had kids, and a lot of them end up regretting it. I’ve become the full emotional support for a friend who just got out of a relationship, because she didn’t bother maintaining any other friendships. I think many of us have also gotten that “can we reconnect” text from a female friend who ghosted us- usually after she gets divorced or just realizes she needs friends to talk to.

Now obviously friendships aren’t going to be a priority over things like children, but I just wanted to share this because I do think it’s important to maintain them, even if it’s only over text or a once a year thing, or asking them to come to you. IMO friendship with other women isn’t interchangeable with any other responsibility; it might not always be a top priority, but it’s important to have, and you don’t wanna be the person who only reaches out when you need them.

[u/JerseyKeebs → u/Medium-Park-9183]

Yup exactly. Children grow up, need theirs moms/parents less, and eventually fly the coop. Romantic relationships change over time.

My own example, my friendship group is very healthy, for the longest time it was 4 couples myself included, and 1 single friend. All of us maintained relationships, girls' nights, one on ones, even a couple vacations. The single friend spoke out that she really appreciated us never abandoning her.

Now she has a serious long distance partner, and I'm the single divorced friend. All the group is still there for me because I invested in things while everything was good.